Why would OW do this?

[Spark1111]

and you provoked her because you wanted to destroy your H's image of her. Understandable, but you know, she is also a broken woman-lied to, and yes, betrayed by your H, so you are finding out a different woman, no? The woman your H knew is not this broken, angry, bitter woman, I would surmise.

 

Here's the thing that I noticed about you, though...every time somebody suggests that you let it go...you make all kinds of excuses to keep it going.

 

I do certainly hope that since you have succeeded in proving to your H that the xOW is unstable ( among all other negative traits) that you will heal...not only the marriage, but you, yourself.

 

 

Tami....if you want to give me advice, DON"T START BY ACCUSING ME OF LYING.

 

Read the threads, please!

 

we thought se was one way.....

 

Two months ago, she proved to be a different way.....

 

Both he an I are dealing with our formerly held allusions of her!

 

BOTH OF US!

 

SHE IS NOT a nice person, not vulnerable, lonely and needy.

 

She is a manipulative, calculating nasty person.

 

Still sweet to him, but villifying of him to me. Contemptuous to me regarding him, but still seeking if he is interested in her.

 

Give me a break here!

It as if we are both dealing with a new OW, one who pretended to be sweet and kind but remains manipulative, controlling and deceptive about her true motives.

 

It happens. Deal with it.

[tami-chan]

Tami....if you want to give me advice, DON"T START BY ACCUSING ME OF LYING.

 

Did you or did you not try to contact her(not once, a few times) and got upset when she did not respond? It's a yes or no answer.

 

You said earlier that "...after 2 years she waltzed back, uninvited, etc..." really? you did not call(more than once) because you wanted to talk to her? no matter how long it took her to respond...YOU initiated contact.

 

Look, I am not going to go where you went by saying all those awful things you said about me...I understand why you felt the need to do that, but I will say this: while you can take as much time as you need to heal, in my opinion it is counter-productive to keep re-hashing the past. That's all. I sincerely hope that you will heal-truly heal...even though I think somewhere you said you and your husband are, right? I could be wrong.

[silktricks]

while you can take as much time as you need to heal, in my opinion it is counter-productive to keep re-hashing the past.

 

Tami, I respectfully disagree with you. I don't think there is any other way for a BS/xMM to TRULY heal, other than by re-hashing the past - until they both understand everything about the past - including the OW's personality as it pertains to them - both of them.

 

That appears to be what Spark is talking about here. They both thought they understood the OW, and all of a sudden they found that neither of them did. That discovery set them (both of them) back somewhat on their recovery road.

 

It happens.

 

Letting it go before you are really ready to "let it go" doesn't resolve anything. It's like saying you're over the flu and going back to work when you still have a fever. Going back to work as if you are well doesn't make it so.

[tami-chan]

Tami, I respectfully disagree with you. I don't think there is any other way for a BS/xMM to TRULY heal, other than by re-hashing the past - until they both understand everything about the past - including the OW's personality as it pertains to them - both of them.

 

Maybe....but she did initiate contact after 2 years...why? conventional wisdom says no contact is no contact..you know why? precisely because 1)possibility of rekindling the relationship or 2) backlash like she and her husband are experiencing right now...

 

 

Letting it go before you are really ready to "let it go" doesn't resolve anything. It's like saying you're over the flu and going back to work when you still have a fever. Going back to work as if you are well doesn't make it so.

 

Ahh...good example....you also do not re-visit the source of the infection...right?

[bentnotbroken]

Hey Spark, is talking this out helping you to re-establish the dynamics of the triangle? Do you think that as things clarify you are able to place another piece of the puzzle in it's proper place and move to the next?

[NoIDidn't]

Spark,

 

You know I was one of the "let it go" voices, but you did what you felt best for you. It seems to have been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you get to see her for what she is. A curse because it reopens old questions. But I get it. Recovery is like that. Only a person in deep denial of their feelings and reality would want to claim that they can just "get over it" and never once wonder about things from the past. Recovery is a three steps forward, two steps back process. Don't worry about it.

 

I told you in a PM that the OW contacted my H late last year. I was going to post it in its own thread, but I decided not to because I really didn't want to think about her. Yet, I am finding myself nearing the five year recovery mark and thinking about the affair again. Not in a bad way. Its usually my H bringing it up these days. He wants to talk about it and what it did to our relationship. I thought it was the state of our marriage that caused it. He says it was just him. Just his warped thinking. And she reminds him of greatest regret, something that he feels I never deserved from him.

 

I don't understand why the OW in my case seems to think that she and my H are or can possibly ever be "friends", but she tries. They knew each other barely a year, and yet she seems to react as if they are the best of friends. She never says anything bad about me when she contacts him. She actually asks him how me and the kids are doing??!!! I'm like, its none of her business. She has sent him emails. She has contacted him on FB. She has tracked him down to events where she knew he was performing and waited near backstage to speak to him. There are witnesses to the public actions she has taken to contact him. She hasn't done it since the last time as I think she realized how the others around felt about it finally.

 

I totally understand you bringing up old deeds of this OW. They make it very hard for you to forget about them when they decide to see if they still have an effect on our Hs. I still maintain that my H's former OW is young and ignorant (not meaning stupid). She lost a lot following the EA. She told my H her life story since the EA has been over. The people standing around where embarrassed for her, having not even known of the situation from before. It seems to me that many OW need the validation from their former MM that the A, whatever type it was, continues to mean something to them, or at least that it did. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But I think they fail to see how that need to "matter" just doesn't help in their recovery or in the former MM's.

 

Oh well. You do, within reason, what helps you heal. You aren't bothering anyone by posting about it here. That's what this forum is for. The heading says "Share your experiences and concerns here". I, too, am a person that needs to understand all of what has affected my life before I move on from it.

[White Flower]

NID and Spark,

 

I just want to say that everyone does what they need to do to heal and it's not the same for everyone. Keep on keepin on.

[Spark1111]

Hey Spark, is talking this out helping you to re-establish the dynamics of the triangle? Do you think that as things clarify you are able to place another piece of the puzzle in it's proper place and move to the next?

 

Thank you....yes it does.

 

I do not have to tell many BS that making the pieces of the puzzle fit validates both my intuition and restores my trust in my judgement; something that took a profound hit after the affair and is now righting itself like the keel of a sailboat.

 

It feels good.

 

It rings true.

 

And what is highly helpful....it is starting to ring true for both of us. It is filling in holes, so to speak.

[Spark1111]

Did you or did you not try to contact her(not once, a few times) and got upset when she did not respond? It's a yes or no answer.

 

You said earlier that "...after 2 years she waltzed back, uninvited, etc..." really? you did not call(more than once) because you wanted to talk to her? no matter how long it took her to respond...YOU initiated contact.

 

Look, I am not going to go where you went by saying all those awful things you said about me...I understand why you felt the need to do that, but I will say this: while you can take as much time as you need to heal, in my opinion it is counter-productive to keep re-hashing the past. That's all. I sincerely hope that you will heal-truly heal...even though I think somewhere you said you and your husband are, right? I could be wrong.

 

Yes I did Tami...like a grown up I called her three times in 24 hours to lay it all to rest. They work for the same company and geographically, the possibility of bumping into her is great. I told her what times she could reach me and she never did return my calls.

 

When she entered his office, finally having a reason to go to HQ, she tells him she would never return my calls as I was "viscious."

 

She lied.

 

Rehashing the past, counterproductive? Perhaps in certain cases it might be.

 

But not when the past as one or even two people thought of it not seems radically different. Then I believe it is necessary.

[Spark1111]

Spark,

 

You know I was one of the "let it go" voices, but you did what you felt best for you. It seems to have been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you get to see her for what she is. A curse because it reopens old questions. But I get it. Recovery is like that. Only a person in deep denial of their feelings and reality would want to claim that they can just "get over it" and never once wonder about things from the past. Recovery is a three steps forward, two steps back process. Don't worry about it.

 

I told you in a PM that the OW contacted my H late last year. I was going to post it in its own thread, but I decided not to because I really didn't want to think about her. Yet, I am finding myself nearing the five year recovery mark and thinking about the affair again. Not in a bad way. Its usually my H bringing it up these days. He wants to talk about it and what it did to our relationship. I thought it was the state of our marriage that caused it. He says it was just him. Just his warped thinking. And she reminds him of greatest regret, something that he feels I never deserved from him.

 

I don't understand why the OW in my case seems to think that she and my H are or can possibly ever be "friends", but she tries. They knew each other barely a year, and yet she seems to react as if they are the best of friends. She never says anything bad about me when she contacts him. She actually asks him how me and the kids are doing??!!! I'm like, its none of her business. She has sent him emails. She has contacted him on FB. She has tracked him down to events where she knew he was performing and waited near backstage to speak to him. There are witnesses to the public actions she has taken to contact him. She hasn't done it since the last time as I think she realized how the others around felt about it finally.

 

I totally understand you bringing up old deeds of this OW. They make it very hard for you to forget about them when they decide to see if they still have an effect on our Hs. I still maintain that my H's former OW is young and ignorant (not meaning stupid). She lost a lot following the EA. She told my H her life story since the EA has been over. The people standing around where embarrassed for her, having not even known of the situation from before. It seems to me that many OW need the validation from their former MM that the A, whatever type it was, continues to mean something to them, or at least that it did. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But I think they fail to see how that need to "matter" just doesn't help in their recovery or in the former MM's.

 

Oh well. You do, within reason, what helps you heal. You aren't bothering anyone by posting about it here. That's what this forum is for. The heading says "Share your experiences and concerns here". I, too, am a person that needs to understand all of what has affected my life before I move on from it.

 

Yes, NID, I agree it is three steps forward and two steps back....

 

But it is all good.

 

There were questions he could not answer for a very long time and I thought he was trickle truthing to a) drive me crazy or b) preserve the affair memories.

 

I now realize how much he could not answer because he did not know; did not think about it; or it was not important enough for him to examine because it was not important to his dynamic in the affair.

 

Many things are now starting to make sense to the BOTH of us and that is all to the good in our relationship.

[Spark1111]

NID and Spark,

 

I just want to say that everyone does what they need to do to heal and it's not the same for everyone. Keep on keepin on.

 

Ain't that the truth, WF!

 

If we aren't looking to heal.....what the hell are we all doing posting on LS?

[freestyle]

The mere fact that she lied about you,to your H, (grrr.)gives you

plenty of justification , not only to be livid, but to wonder why on earth

she would be so nasty. It does add a whole new layer of insult upon injury.

 

It's really hard for decent people to wrap their brains around that type of behavior.

[Spark1111]

The mere fact that she lied about you,to your H, (grrr.)gives you

plenty of justification , not only to be livid, but to wonder why on earth

she would be so nasty. It does add a whole new layer of insult upon injury.

 

It's really hard for decent people to wrap their brains around that type of behavior.

 

My point exactly, Freestyle....something he NOW realizes too!

 

So the next natural question becomes.....What else did she lie about? And what was for her to gain? What was her motivation to do so?

 

This is NOT your typical OW, and that has caused us to think really hard.

 

And that has been helpful to US!

 

Yes....in retrospect, possibly mate poaching. Thanks for the heads up on that!

[silktricks]

Maybe....but she did initiate contact after 2 years...why? conventional wisdom says no contact is no contact..you know why? precisely because 1)possibility of rekindling the relationship or 2) backlash like she and her husband are experiencing right now...

well, conventional wisdom says lots of things. But each of us still must muddle through our lives the best we can. Spark attempted to speak with the woman who both she & her H thought they were dealing with. Turned out they were wrong. A phone call from person A, does not invite a visit to person B some 6 months later - not for most people.

 

 

 

Ahh...good example....you also do not re-visit the source of the infection...right?

:) well, you must be unusual. . I generally get the flu either at work or while commuting - once in awhile from my grandkids . I've never had the luxury of not revisiting the source. Of course, as I understand the concept of vaccinations, once you've had a strain of the flu, you don't get it again anyway, so possibly it just doesn't really matter. :)

[bentnotbroken]

NID and Spark,

 

I just want to say that everyone does what they need to do to heal and it's not the same for everyone. Keep on keepin on.

'

So true. Some BS don't want all the gory details, I wanted them all. My imagination is so much worse than the actual details. So for me talking with ow, confronting them both (more than once), continued digging until I was satisfied, was more beneficial.

[silktricks]

'

So true. Some BS don't want all the gory details, I wanted them all. My imagination is so much worse than the actual details. So for me talking with ow, confronting them both (more than once), continued digging until I was satisfied, was more beneficial.

 

Same for me. I wanted to talk to the OW, but she refused my call. I didn't attempt again - but that didn't stop her from 2 more years of attempting to contact my husband -- with occasional "reminders" even as much as 4+ years later. Sometimes it's really not the BS or the MM. Sometimes it's the OW.

[Spark1111]

'

So true. Some BS don't want all the gory details, I wanted them all. My imagination is so much worse than the actual details. So for me talking with ow, confronting them both (more than once), continued digging until I was satisfied, was more beneficial.

 

Yes, me too Bent. My imagination is/was so much more graphic than the actual details and I too, needed it all.

 

It was so hard not to get them, but in retrospect, her details were not all that important to his affair dynamic at that time.

 

A + B was not equalling "C" in my timeline. We now realize certain actions on her part were highly manipulative....and not in an essence of behavior for most of the OW I read who post here and empathize with.

[Spark1111]

Same for me. I wanted to talk to the OW, but she refused my call. I didn't attempt again - but that didn't stop her from 2 more years of attempting to contact my husband -- with occasional "reminders" even as much as 4+ years later. Sometimes it's really not the BS or the MM. Sometimes it's the OW.

 

 

Agree with you Silk! And have had the same scenario as you too.

 

Wonder what, if anything, the future has in store.

 

Four years later?

 

Jeez.....hope not.

[Snowflower]

Hey Spark, I don't remember what you posted as to why the OW in your situation visited your H's office...but something tells me that she would have done this regardless of whether you had contacted her or not.

 

It seems like many times that some xOW look for the smallest excuses to contact their former MM. Not all xOW do this of course, but it seems that many do...NID summed it up well.

 

Just do what it takes to help you heal, within reason of course, and you appear to be doing that! And if some here have appear to have an issue with how you have handled your healing and reconciliation, that is more a reflection of their issues than what you have wrote. Sometimes our words here will have an unexpected impact on others--even when we don't intend for this to happen.

[PhoenixRise]

Thank you....yes it does.

 

I do not have to tell many BS that making the pieces of the puzzle fit validates both my intuition and restores my trust in my judgement; something that took a profound hit after the affair and is now righting itself like the keel of a sailboat.

 

It feels good.

 

It rings true.

 

And what is highly helpful....it is starting to ring true for both of us. It is filling in holes, so to speak.

 

 

Spark

 

I don't think this can be emphasized enough. Regaining your ability to trust your own judgment is one of the most important things a BS can do after dday. IMO is is impossible to heal until you relearn that your intiuitions and judgments ARE an accurate reflection of reality

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with excavating your own history to do this.

[OWoman]

When she entered his office, finally having a reason to go to HQ, she tells him she would never return my calls as I was "viscious."

 

Spark - I doubt anyone would believe you were vicious. She shot herself in the foot on that one...

[Spark1111]

Hey Spark, I don't remember what you posted as to why the OW in your situation visited your H's office...but something tells me that she would have done this regardless of whether you had contacted her or not.

 

It seems like many times that some xOW look for the smallest excuses to contact their former MM. Not all xOW do this of course, but it seems that many do...NID summed it up well.

 

Just do what it takes to help you heal, within reason of course, and you appear to be doing that! And if some here have appear to have an issue with how you have handled your healing and reconciliation, that is more a reflection of their issues than what you have wrote. Sometimes our words here will have an unexpected impact on others--even when we don't intend for this to happen.

 

The opportunity finally arose for her to do so, IMO. A meeting at HQ put her in physical proximity to his office....and she saught him out at his new office in the building NEXT DOOR.

 

Not accidental at all.....

 

As for others, yes....we all bring our perspectives to these boards and that is the beauty of it.

 

But there may be few like me and you who post here: happily reconciled, healing, with a marriage stronger than ever.

 

Many do not want to believe that is possible; many do not want to believe a marital relationship can overcome an affair to be more passionate, more intimate and happier than ever before.

 

It's their loss, IMHO.

[Spark1111]

Spark

 

I don't think this can be emphasized enough. Regaining your ability to trust your own judgment is one of the most important things a BS can do after dday. IMO is is impossible to heal until you relearn that your intiuitions and judgments ARE an accurate reflection of reality

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with excavating your own history to do this.

 

Now imagine you have, in the past, made a decent living from being a journalist where your objectivity, neutral observations, and intuition have served you so well that you GET PAID FOR IT!

 

It went to the core of my being that I had been so blind, and so blind-sided....by love.

 

Feeling stronger every day. It is all good.

[Spark1111]

Spark - I doubt anyone would believe you were vicious. She shot herself in the foot on that one...

 

Hahahaha! Thank you OW!

 

And it seems it is so radically different from my true nature, that I always misspell it too!

 

Yes...she did shoot herself in the foot with that one. It definitely was a turning point.....for HIM, in that why would she DELIBERATELY LIE about this?

 

So then we looked at each other and the natural progression of thought became: "Well, what else did she lie about?" and "WHY?"

 

It seems..... a lot.

[Brokenlady]

Hahahaha! Thank you OW!

 

And it seems it is so radically different from my true nature, that I always misspell it too!

 

Yes...she did shoot herself in the foot with that one. It definitely was a turning point.....for HIM, in that why would she DELIBERATELY LIE about this?

 

So then we looked at each other and the natural progression of thought became: "Well, what else did she lie about?" and "WHY?"

 

It seems..... a lot.

 

Spark,

It sounds like you and your H have now come to the seemingly common spot wherein you bond over your mutual dislike of the OW. Is it really helpful to unite in this way? It seems like that would just keep her relavent in your M, while you are hoping to keep her out of it.

 

Of course you are not vicious - but its possible your H portrayed you to her that way. Or maybe she felt attacked by your protective orders to "stay away from your family". Who knows?