Why would OW do this?

[SuburbanOblivion]

MY SO and I were the other person in each other's relationships before we each got divorced. At the time it was only an EA(long distance), but an affair it was.

 

In that time I started reading a LOT of the OW message boards. My take from my own experience and that I have read is this..

 

Most MM will tell the OW everything she wants to hear. How beautiful she is, how different she is from his wife, how he wishes he could be with her, etc. Whatever it takes to get what he's after.

 

Naturally he can't do this without villanizing the BS to some degree. She's fat, she's lazy, she ignores him, she doesn't put out anymore...You name it. The OW eats it up because she wants to believe what he says. He wouldn't go to the trouble to see her if she wasn't special, right?

 

Over time, the things he says starts to unravel. She finds out the wife he claims ignores him buys him some special birthday gift. The wife who he swears doesn't have sex with him gets pregnant. He plans a vacation with the wife (because he has to, always..LOL) after for months he says they live like roomates.

 

It's really no surprise the OW wants to see or meet the BS, because it's a fairly easy way of sizing up the situation and see if what he's been telling her matches up with the truth.

[Spark1111]

Spark, you are one interesting human being. You once said you wished I was the OW in your story and I wish you were the BW in mine. You want to learn everything you can about this dynamic just like I do. Are we obsessed? No, I don't think so. I think we're just intelligent women who want to know all that we can in order to not repeat the history we are doomed to repeat if we don't understand it.

 

Why do you feel like she was acting like the W at the funeral? I'm surprised he allowed her to be there. I don't see my exMM allowing me to be there; however, he did have an exOW (one time very close friend of his W's) come to his FIL's funeral. He couldn't do much about it since she is a long term family friend. It wouldn't have made sense for me to attend since I am totally outside his circle of friends and family. And I'm not sure I would want to bring my presence into their lives on such an occasion.

 

WF....I agree! I have overcome so many trials and tribulations in my life through understanding the dynamics and the possible motivations of the player's in my own life story.....starting with good ole mom and dad.

 

Also, as a former investigative journalist, research, reading, and writing come somewhat naturally to me. It is/was what I do. Yes, trying to find my personal truths and the truth WILL set me free.

 

In retrospect, there were many aspects of his affair that are somewhat manipulative on her part, like attending FIL's funeral as a "friend" but then snubbing me.

 

Could she have been trying to force a DDAY? Perhaps confident that she would be the one chosen by him?

 

Who knows......

[Spark1111]

MY SO and I were the other person in each other's relationships before we each got divorced. At the time it was only an EA(long distance), but an affair it was.

 

In that time I started reading a LOT of the OW message boards. My take from my own experience and that I have read is this..

 

Most MM will tell the OW everything she wants to hear. How beautiful she is, how different she is from his wife, how he wishes he could be with her, etc. Whatever it takes to get what he's after.

 

Naturally he can't do this without villanizing the BS to some degree. She's fat, she's lazy, she ignores him, she doesn't put out anymore...You name it. The OW eats it up because she wants to believe what he says. He wouldn't go to the trouble to see her if she wasn't special, right?

 

Over time, the things he says starts to unravel. She finds out the wife he claims ignores him buys him some special birthday gift. The wife who he swears doesn't have sex with him gets pregnant. He plans a vacation with the wife (because he has to, always..LOL) after for months he says they live like roomates.

 

It's really no surprise the OW wants to see or meet the BS, because it's a fairly easy way of sizing up the situation and see if what he's been telling her matches up with the truth.

 

I get that. I just think 25 minutes with a small group of work colleagues and one brief conversation with me, couldn't have provided all she needed to know.

I feel it was more about her own power play in her own mind.

[White Flower]

WF....I agree! I have overcome so many trials and tribulations in my life through understanding the dynamics and the possible motivations of the player's in my own life story.....starting with good ole mom and dad.

 

Also, as a former investigative journalist, research, reading, and writing come somewhat naturally to me. It is/was what I do. Yes, trying to find my personal truths and the truth WILL set me free.

 

In retrospect, there were many aspects of his affair that are somewhat manipulative on her part, like attending FIL's funeral as a "friend" but then snubbing me.

 

Could she have been trying to force a DDAY? Perhaps confident that she would be the one chosen by him?

 

Who knows......

Ha ha, now it all makes sense! I don't write for a living, but I do edit. I guess it is the writers in us that drive us to understand everybody's actions and not just try to police them. I see too often that BS want to stop behavior and keep it stopped but they do nothing to understand what they call 'psychobabble', or psychology, in order to prevent it from happening again. I believe it is so much better to prevent than to try to stop.

 

In my A I let MM do all the manipulating on his end so that I was completely out of it. The guilt is all his. I know some BS will disagree but I stand firm. If I don't know her, I am not accountable to her.

 

Yes, H's exOW could have been trying to force a Dday. That is some kind of manipulation! I don't need to force or scare anyone to be with me! If they want me, they know where they can find me.

[HeartbrokenK]

Wow, at least most of you only met her the one time. I got to see the OW on a bi-weekly basis when I went out to bars with H's friends. She always sat with me, sometimes we barely spoke because I had nothing to say to her. But I would make sure to ask her about her kids, we'd talk about sports we both played in high school, etc. It was the weirdest thing, she's older than me and I actually wanted to be more like her.

 

But looking back, there were moments that I can see now I should have woken up and known. I would pull another one of the girls we were with into a bathroom to stop her fighting with her boyfriend, and OW would follow us in, not speak, not make eye-contact with me, just stand there frozen when I compared the other couple's relationship problems with ours. I jokingly dissed the stupid 80's mix of music that my H has had forever, talking about how sick I was of listening to it. She shot me this nasty look and said "Oh I love 80's music." I felt like a rubber band had been snapped on my tongue, and that was before I knew anything about their A. She even braided my hair once, just on a lark. Right in front of my H. It disgusts me that she touched me, it makes me sick to my stomach now. I can imagine the looks she was shooting him, standing over me, her fingers tangled in my hair. Disgusting. And HIM, how could he do that to me with no concern for my feelings??

 

It's hard for me to understand how they could both play these games with me, they did it for 2 straight months. Straight faces. There was one night I went home before my H, grabbed our dog and walked back (it was only 2 blocks away from our home), and watched them play with our dog, him showing off to her, being all cutesy cutesy. I used to watch the show Big Love on HBO, and I remember thinking in that minute, if I had to live in polygamy, I wouldn't mind her. I don't know what the hell made me think it, I have no desire to live that way, but I saw how happy he was around her and I was glad he had her as a friend. I think it hurts more to be played with that way, than just meeting her once.

Edited January 24, 2010 by HeartbrokenK

[mybrowneyedgirl]

forgive me if this has been said but i only read the first couple of posts. i was around his W on several occasions. never wanted to be, only because he sort of forced it and brought her around me or vice versa. he claimed he wanted to see me so badly that he would come to functions with her by his side. i hated it. wished i had never met her but i did. this certainly wasnt ok with me.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

this certainly wasnt ok with me.[/

 

but shagging her H was?

[tami-chan]

Oh jwi,jwi,jwi....I did for two years and then she waltzed back into our lives unannounced and uninvited and basically initiated inappropriate conversation with my husband about two months ago in his work place and I called her on it.

 

It's another thread somewhere here at LS. She seems to despise me: no remorse, regrets, or we fell in love, we never meant to hurt you; absolutely NONE of that at all.

 

Add in the frequent hang ups from untraceable cell phone numbers to both our phones, unusual cars with tinted windows watching me walk into work and an exhorbitant number of strangers trying to befriend me on fb, I'd say the drama still lives on in her head for her and possibly her single or divorced friends.

 

No. I am not one bit paranoid, really uncaring about it all and just more than a tad curious about the motivations some people may have for their actions.

 

I NOW feel she is the atypical OW, rather unstable, highly manipulative and a raging drama queen to boot.

 

But why should I have to justify this thread to you?

 

It's not like there are tons of WS, BS, or OW/OM to bounce my musings off of in my everyday life. Isn't that what LS is for?

 

 

Really, Spark? are you forgetting something? let me refresh your memory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t189286/

 

Major step to healing....be truthful to yourself.

[Spark1111]

Really, Spark? are you forgetting something? let me refresh your memory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t189286/

 

Major step to healing....be truthful to yourself.

 

Tami, keep up please. hahahaha!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t210935/

[Spark1111]

Ha ha, now it all makes sense! I don't write for a living, but I do edit. I guess it is the writers in us that drive us to understand everybody's actions and not just try to police them. I see too often that BS want to stop behavior and keep it stopped but they do nothing to understand what they call 'psychobabble', or psychology, in order to prevent it from happening again. I believe it is so much better to prevent than to try to stop.

 

In my A I let MM do all the manipulating on his end so that I was completely out of it. The guilt is all his. I know some BS will disagree but I stand firm. If I don't know her, I am not accountable to her.

 

Yes, H's exOW could have been trying to force a Dday. That is some kind of manipulation! I don't need to force or scare anyone to be with me! If they want me, they know where they can find me.

 

I so agree WF. Reading, researching, examining from all sides has worked for me to understand and heal from pain....starting with good 'ole Mom and Dad. Discovering my truth will help set me free!

[Spark1111]

Wow, at least most of you only met her the one time. I got to see the OW on a bi-weekly basis when I went out to bars with H's friends. She always sat with me, sometimes we barely spoke because I had nothing to say to her. But I would make sure to ask her about her kids, we'd talk about sports we both played in high school, etc. It was the weirdest thing, she's older than me and I actually wanted to be more like her.

 

But looking back, there were moments that I can see now I should have woken up and known. I would pull another one of the girls we were with into a bathroom to stop her fighting with her boyfriend, and OW would follow us in, not speak, not make eye-contact with me, just stand there frozen when I compared the other couple's relationship problems with ours. I jokingly dissed the stupid 80's mix of music that my H has had forever, talking about how sick I was of listening to it. She shot me this nasty look and said "Oh I love 80's music." I felt like a rubber band had been snapped on my tongue, and that was before I knew anything about their A. She even braided my hair once, just on a lark. Right in front of my H. It disgusts me that she touched me, it makes me sick to my stomach now. I can imagine the looks she was shooting him, standing over me, her fingers tangled in my hair. Disgusting. And HIM, how could he do that to me with no concern for my feelings??

 

It's hard for me to understand how they could both play these games with me, they did it for 2 straight months. Straight faces. There was one night I went home before my H, grabbed our dog and walked back (it was only 2 blocks away from our home), and watched them play with our dog, him showing off to her, being all cutesy cutesy. I used to watch the show Big Love on HBO, and I remember thinking in that minute, if I had to live in polygamy, I wouldn't mind her. I don't know what the hell made me think it, I have no desire to live that way, but I saw how happy he was around her and I was glad he had her as a friend. I think it hurts more to be played with that way, than just meeting her once.

 

 

Heartbroken, this is just twisted. Obviously it was some sort of sick thrill for them, or maybe, they needed to guage how little you knew of the affair. Either way, yuck!

 

When you had that fleeting thought of polygamy, that was your gut trying to tell you the truth. Know you can always rely on that.

[tami-chan]

Tami, keep up please. hahahaha!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t210935/

 

Exactly, Spark. You haven't let go and frankly, you have been practically hounding her...you wanted her back in your lives-dare I say, obsessed? So she didn't exactly just surfaced in your lives without provocation, no? So, until you can acknowledge that she fills your mind...and perhaps work with that...well, you know the rest....

[Spark1111]

Tami...I find your response laughable.

 

She breaks two years of NC, lies, manipulates the situation, blah blah blah.

 

I stand by my gut reaction....now: She is not your typical OW, as many other OW here at LS have attested to.

 

Whatsamatter? Need to pick a fight today, Tami?

[Spark1111]

forgive me if this has been said but i only read the first couple of posts. i was around his W on several occasions. never wanted to be, only because he sort of forced it and brought her around me or vice versa. he claimed he wanted to see me so badly that he would come to functions with her by his side. i hated it. wished i had never met her but i did. this certainly wasnt ok with me.

 

MBEG, this just smakcks of mommy issues to me: Look mommy, (now wifey) I can be a bad boy right under your nose and you don't even know about it. Try to punish me now, mommy.

 

I have read your posts and have seen you start to realize he uses his relationship with you as "leverage," with the xW. This dynamic, IMHO, is more about vengence against the big, bad, mommy figure in his life now, (the xW) than with romantic feelings towards you.

 

Just my opinion. Have you broken up with this jerk yet?

[tami-chan]

Tami...I find your response laughable.

 

She breaks two years of NC, lies, manipulates the situation, blah blah blah.

 

Were YOU not the one who called her and she ignored you?

 

I stand by my gut reaction....now: She is not your typical OW, as many other OW here at LS have attested to.

 

Many on LS have attested to? and that is what? based on YOUR description of her? I am sure that is not biased.

 

Whatsamatter? Need to pick a fight today, Tami?

 

are you threatened or feel challenged? because that is not my intention...just for you to do some soul-searching and for you own good....move on...and stop reliving the past.

 

BUT, if you continue to delude yourself on thinking the xOW does not fill your days (and nights, apparently)..well..go on...maybe you feel comfortable always playing the "victim".

[Spark1111]

Were YOU not the one who called her and she ignored you?

 

 

 

Many on LS have attested to? and that is what? based on YOUR description of her? I am sure that is not biased.

 

 

 

are you threatened or feel challenged? because that is not my intention...just for you to do some soul-searching and for you own good....move on...and stop reliving the past.

 

BUT, if you continue to delude yourself on thinking the xOW does not fill your days (and nights, apparently)..well..go on...maybe you feel comfortable always playing the "victim".

 

Tami....just some advice:

 

Read the threads in its entirety:

 

Then feel free to offer your advice or opinion in a respectful, supportive manner.

 

If you cannot do that, then please feel free to move on and "challenge" anyone you wish to.

[tami-chan]

Tami....just some advice:

 

Read the threads in its entirety:

 

Then feel free to offer your advice or opinion in a respectful, supportive manner.

 

If you cannot do that, then please feel free to move on and "challenge" anyone you wish to.

 

No need to challenge anyone...that's not the point, as I have said...but apparently you feel that way <shrug> ..nothing I can to about it.

 

I stand by my observations, you are obsessed by the OW and you like the drama she brings...you do not want to let it go...it is like some form of a sick punishment to your H to keep her (xOW) current in your lives.

 

You know how the xBS say "tough love" to the OWs...well...this is "tough love"...seriously, let it go....

[Spark1111]

Were YOU not the one who called her and she ignored you?

 

 

 

Many on LS have attested to? and that is what? based on YOUR description of her? I am sure that is not biased.

 

 

 

are you threatened or feel challenged? because that is not my intention...just for you to do some soul-searching and for you own good....move on...and stop reliving the past.

 

BUT, if you continue to delude yourself on thinking the xOW does not fill your days (and nights, apparently)..well..go on...maybe you feel comfortable always playing the "victim".

 

Tami, Tami, Tami.....

 

You jump on this thread accusing me of lying, but you haven't kept up with the most recent turn of events in my life.

 

You then claim she has not re-entered my life unprovoked.(HAHAHAHA)

 

I even send you the link and YOU STILL DO NOT READ IT IN ITS ENTIRETY.

 

Yes, the people I have spoken with here on a regular basis, seem to trust my new assumptions of this woman.

 

Yes, because I say so.

 

They have taken the time to hear me through my writings of the last 18 months, and have supported and validated many of my thoughts and feelings. If not that, then they have expressed their opposing viewpoints with some kindness and tact.

 

Unlike you. They acutally cared enough to address some of my experiences from their own lives, and I greatly value their opinions.

 

You either do not read, or prefer to provoke. Your words are not kind because they show a complete lack of understanding of the thread, past threads, and where I, or many others, are in their healing process.

 

Go challenge someone else.....or come back and challenge me, when you have read the facts in hand....so you may actually be helpful to other posters here at LS.

[tami-chan]

Oh I have read the link you posted....so what? YOU instigated it...YOU had to talk to her after so long and so she found an avenue to AGAIN contact your husband...see? it backfired. Besides, you continue to talk about her...and wonder...why did she do this two years ago? why , why, why...I mean, c'mon...why do YOU want to relive these episodes? why? I bet you won't answer that.

 

Spark, you will never understand, you need to just leave the past be. It does not matter whether the xOW will give you a perfectly sensible answer, I am almost sure you will still find something wrong with it and it will still not be an acceptable answer.

[Spark1111]

Oh I have read the link you posted....so what? YOU instigated it...YOU had to talk to her after so long and so she found an avenue to AGAIN contact your husband...see? it backfired. Besides, you continue to talk about her...and wonder...why did she do this two years ago? why , why, why...I mean, c'mon...why do YOU want to relive these episodes? why? I bet you won't answer that.

 

Spark, you will never understand, you need to just leave the past be. It does not matter whether the xOW will give you a perfectly sensible answer, I am almost sure you will still find something wrong with it and it will still not be an acceptable answer.

 

Here is where you are wrong Tami.

 

I envisioned her one way.....and guess what? So did he. I only had empathy for a vulnerable single mom, assumed she must be a decent person, and reserved my anger and hard work and counseling and so on and so on and so on to restore our marriage.

 

Guess what? I and he were both wrong!

 

(And they say affair fog doesn;t exist!)

 

Now we go back and try to repiece a timeline, with events, to try to understand it in a way that makes sense and what the possible motivations could be.

 

I also post at loveshack and have gained a lot of understanding from those who also post here.

 

I find your opinions often unkind, uninformative and extremely judgemental. You are very quick to attack others, to assume information that is either untrue or has changed, and often perceive insult where none is intended, IMHO.

 

It IS a public forum and it is your right to do so, I guess. I just do not find your slant on many posts, not only mine but others as well, particularly helpful, insightful or of a quality that promotes healing.

 

For all of your life experience.....you often seem angry to me.

 

And that is my opinion on my thread.

[tami-chan]

I envisioned her one way.....and guess what? So did he. I only had empathy for a vulnerable single mom, assumed she must be a decent person, and reserved my anger and hard work and counseling and so on and so on and so on to restore our marriage.

 

and you provoked her because you wanted to destroy your H's image of her. Understandable, but you know, she is also a broken woman-lied to, and yes, betrayed by your H, so you are finding out a different woman, no? The woman your H knew is not this broken, angry, bitter woman, I would surmise.

 

Here's the thing that I noticed about you, though...every time somebody suggests that you let it go...you make all kinds of excuses to keep it going.

 

I do certainly hope that since you have succeeded in proving to your H that the xOW is unstable ( among all other negative traits) that you will heal...not only the marriage, but you, yourself.

[freestyle]

For what it's worth , Spark:

 

I've observed a handful of posters here admonish you to let it go, let it go...............ad nauseum.

 

Based on what I've read about recovering from infidelity, it can take anywhere from 3 to 5 years for successful reconciliation, and recovery.

 

In the meantime, a BS will be triggered and haunted by intrusive thoughts,troubled dreams, and obsessive thoughts about the AP, and the affair itself.

 

It's normal. A completely justified and understandable reaction to the extreme trauma of being betrayed by the one person you assumed you were safe with.

 

It's absolutely normal for you to have questions about the AP, considering

how much impact she had on your life...(without your permission) Hell, I'd

love to see a complete psychological profile on the OW in my story.I've got a million questions.............

 

When the questions are answered, when safety is re-established in the M,

then, perhaps, you can move on............according to whatever timetable is right for you.

 

I think what triggers me, personally, when my friends IRL lecture me to "get over it".....................................

 

..........is that I heard the exact same line...from my WSO, when I was trying to get to the bottom of the truth about his EA. He wanted to just sweep it under the rug, as if it never happened.Didn't want to be reminded of his bad behavior. It felt very invalidating to me, as if my pain was something to be shrugged off.

 

I see a lot of BS's here getting that same line from their WS's. It's insult on top of injury. First deception, betrayal, and then the invalidation is the cherry on top.................

 

Being only two years past Dday, Spark, I believe I can see how you're feeling. Another woman tried to usurp your role in your H's life, it's natural

to want to know your enemy.

 

And you will get over it, when it feels right to you..............

[silktricks]

Being only two years past Dday, Spark, I believe I can see how you're feeling. Another woman tried to usurp your role in your H's life, it's natural

to want to know your enemy.

 

And you will get over it, when it feels right to you..............

 

Right on the mark FS . Like all of us Spark, you will be able to let it go when you really can "let it go". Each of us gets there on our OWN timetable, not the timetable of some former OW or BS on an anonymous site.

 

Feeling (and knowing) your marriage is good now is not the same as just not giving a flying fig about anything the OW thinks, says or does. BUT, someday it will be.

[Spark1111]

For what it's worth , Spark:

 

I've observed a handful of posters here admonish you to let it go, let it go...............ad nauseum.

 

Based on what I've read about recovering from infidelity, it can take anywhere from 3 to 5 years for successful reconciliation, and recovery.

 

In the meantime, a BS will be triggered and haunted by intrusive thoughts,troubled dreams, and obsessive thoughts about the AP, and the affair itself.

 

It's normal. A completely justified and understandable reaction to the extreme trauma of being betrayed by the one person you assumed you were safe with.

 

It's absolutely normal for you to have questions about the AP, considering

how much impact she had on your life...(without your permission) Hell, I'd

love to see a complete psychological profile on the OW in my story.I've got a million questions.............

 

When the questions are answered, when safety is re-established in the M,

then, perhaps, you can move on............according to whatever timetable is right for you.

 

I think what triggers me, personally, when my friends IRL lecture me to "get over it".....................................

 

..........is that I heard the exact same line...from my WSO, when I was trying to get to the bottom of the truth about his EA. He wanted to just sweep it under the rug, as if it never happened.Didn't want to be reminded of his bad behavior. It felt very invalidating to me, as if my pain was something to be shrugged off.

 

I see a lot of BS's here getting that same line from their WS's. It's insult on top of injury. First deception, betrayal, and then the invalidation is the cherry on top.................

 

Being only two years past Dday, Spark, I believe I can see how you're feeling. Another woman tried to usurp your role in your H's life, it's natural

to want to know your enemy.

 

And you will get over it, when it feels right to you..............

 

I have to tell you.....thank you!

 

I thought she was "one" way......and so did he.Sweet, vulnerable, lonely, but basically a KIND PERSON LIKE ME.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth, as both he and I assumed it was.

 

That impeded our healing as he could never seem to understand some of the things she did or the way she did them. Neither could I.

 

It remained the great unkowns in our reconciliation.

 

I put my faith in his recollection of her, and because she told him he was soooo wonderful on a daily basis, he assumed she felt guilt and shame, as he did from the affair.

 

After I finally spoke to her, she felt NOTHING of the sort. Angry, nasty, superior, contemptuous; she was nothing like I, or he thought she was.

 

So, we are back to square one; trying to reassess our experience with his perceptions of her at the time.

 

And there are many things, situations, conversations, actions that do not make sense to BOTH OF US.....NOW.

 

It is like looking at the affair through a prism at first....and now examining it through clear glass.

 

She was not the person he or I THOUGHT SHE WAS, and that has been mind-blowing.

 

And I know she is not the TYPICAL OW, so OW stop trying to defend her. I am not attacking you. I NEVER have. Read my posts.

 

I am here to heal.....that's all.

[Spark1111]

Right on the mark FS . Like all of us Spark, you will be able to let it go when you really can "let it go". Each of us gets there on our OWN timetable, not the timetable of some former OW or BS on an anonymous site.

 

Feeling (and knowing) your marriage is good now is not the same as just not giving a flying fig about anything the OW thinks, says or does. BUT, someday it will be.

 

Silk, thank you.

 

The marriage is amazing; the remorse true, the love and passion strong.

 

I am over it, have been for awhile.

 

Just have come to believe, after all my empathy and sympathy for HER, she has turned out to be so much more calculating, more manipulative than either he or I had ever attributed to her from the get go.

 

Not your typical OW! Why does that offend so many here that DO NOT KNOW ME??????

 

Some people feel that is a bash. It is not. I do not have a punishing bone in my body. Never have.....read my posts.

 

This is now becoming my truth as I move resoundingly to healing.

 

Thank you, LS, and the many friends I have made here.

 

As BSs are not the same, neither are OW.

 

Deal with it.