Why would OW do this?

[Snowflower]

 

Add in the frequent hang ups from untraceable cell phone numbers to both our phones, unusual cars with tinted windows watching me walk into work and an exhorbitant number of strangers trying to befriend me on fb, I'd say the drama still lives on in her head for her and possibly her single or divorced friends.

 

 

 

 

Oh wow, Spark. That is weird what you describe here.

 

I take back what I posted earlier that you should just let it go. I mean, of course you should for you own sake. But geez, this is just kind of creepy.

 

I'm glad my H xOW lives far away. To my knowledge, she never tried to contact me or 'check me out.' Who knows though, maybe she did.

 

From what I have read here and on other threads, it is fairly common for the OW to want to know more about the BW. I guess your situation is no exception and might even be a little more unusual.

[Spark1111]

Interesting. Her motivation could have been ego boosting for her, attempt to develop a friendship with you, observe his reaction with both of you in his presence, or to see if your personality/looks matched her perception. I have no idea.

 

BS and I were close friends for years and I avoided her throughout the A. Only spoke to her when she called me, responded to her emails, and responded to comments/posts on fb. I never initiated contact with her and MM and I avoided any planning of our families gathering as we did often in the past. Although we were all friends, after several months into our A, we refrained from mentioning our spouses' names, only referring to them as "my W" or "my H." Most likely to eliminate the personal relationship. Like your H's xOW, I may have been more curious about his W if I did not know her. not sure.

 

Thanks Spoiled. That was honest. And I would understand curiousity. Hell, I was very curious about her when I discovered her existence. I did not remember her name and did not realize SHE HAD BEEN THE ONE until I had done some digging after DDAY.

 

But there were plenty of work-related events she could have espied me at. This seemed much more ....intentional on some level.

[PhoenixRise]

Oh jwi,jwi,jwi....I did for two years and then she waltzed back into our lives unannounced and uninvited and basically initiated inappropriate conversation with my husband about two months ago in his work place and I called her on it.

 

It's another thread somewhere here at LS. She seems to despise me: no remorse, regrets, or we fell in love, we never meant to hurt you; absolutely NONE of that at all.

 

Add in the frequent hang ups from untraceable cell phone numbers to both our phones, unusual cars with tinted windows watching me walk into work and an exhorbitant number of strangers trying to befriend me on fb, I'd say the drama still lives on in her head for her and possibly her single or divorced friends.

 

No. I am not one bit paranoid, really uncaring about it all and just more than a tad curious about the motivations some people may have for their actions.

 

I NOW feel she is the atypical OW, rather unstable, highly manipulative and a raging drama queen to boot.

 

But why should I have to justify this thread to you?

 

It's not like there are tons of WS, BS, or OW/OM to bounce my musings off of in my everyday life. Isn't that what LS is for?

 

OK this is a whole other level of crazy.

I am inclined to agree that she was playing a cat and mouse game and she got off on knowing that you were there being nice to her (buying her drinks) while she was efffin your H.

[freestyle]

OK this is a whole other level of crazy.

I am inclined to agree that she was playing a cat and mouse game and she got off on knowing that you were there being nice to her (buying her drinks) while she was efffin your H.

 

 

That's kinda the point I was trying to make. Sometime the OW is soooo

messed up mentally , emotionally, that she delights in feeling like she's holding something over you. It's the ageless catty female competitive crap...........

 

I've only encountered that here on LS a couple of times, most of the OW's here aren't that nasty, a lot of them got lied to and played. when I do read a post where an OW is smug about being able to hurt the BS, however, it makes me see red.

[Spark1111]

Oh wow, Spark. That is weird what you describe here.

 

I take back what I posted earlier that you should just let it go. I mean, of course you should for you own sake. But geez, this is just kind of creepy.

 

I'm glad my H xOW lives far away. To my knowledge, she never tried to contact me or 'check me out.' Who knows though, maybe she did.

 

From what I have read here and on other threads, it is fairly common for the OW to want to know more about the BW. I guess your situation is no exception and might even be a little more unusual.

 

Yes. I am beginning to think so too.

[Spark1111]

That's kinda the point I was trying to make. Sometime the OW is soooo

messed up mentally , emotionally, that she delights in feeling like she's holding something over you. It's the ageless catty female competitive crap...........

 

I've only encountered that here on LS a couple of times, most of the OW's here aren't that nasty, a lot of them got lied to and played. when I do read a post where an OW is smug about being able to hurt the BS, however, it makes me see red.

 

 

Well. yeah.

 

She tells my husband that her xH's family are all still on the other side of the pond, where she rescued him as some sort of gutter rat, brought him here and got him through law school while resuing him from drugs and alcohol occasionally. As he grew accomplished, according to her, he began to have many affairs and then divorced OW for his last affair partner. They now have a baby.

 

Guess what? Not only does he have cousins here, they all live in our hometown!

 

The xH lives one town over from us, but is in our school district. OW never told my husband that.

 

What is going on here????

[freestyle]

Well. yeah.

 

She tells my husband that her xH's family are all still on the other side of the pond, where she rescued him as some sort of gutter rat, brought him here and got him through law school while resuing him from drugs and alcohol occasionally. As he grew accomplished, according to her, he began to have many affairs and then divorced OW for his last affair partner. They now have a baby.

 

Guess what? Not only does he have cousins here, they all live in our hometown!

 

The xH lives one town over from us, but is in our school district. OW never told my husband that.

 

What is going on here????

 

 

She may have been using the same tactic that it seems a lot of MM use,..........

 

villifying her spouse, and playing the woe is me pity card, and just look how good I was to him.oh, poor,poor,me............

 

Specifically, in your case, maybe she wanted your H to be under the impression that her xH had no family about.........

 

perhaps to discourage your H from checking up, and hearing a story about her M that didn't jive with the one she told him?

 

hmmmmm...........

[Spark1111]

You know what Freestyle?

 

I think you are right. After DDAY, I only had empathy in my heart for a divorced mom raising a child. I know how lonely and vulnerable that life can be.

 

My anger was reserved totally for him. If you read my posts, they are heartfelt and full of kindness for her.

 

As time has gone on, so many things do not jive. Neither for me or for him.

 

For example:

 

If my husband cheated on me repeatedly and left me for her, I would have a whole passle of married friends who would circle their wagons around me after that heartbreak. Happily married people ARE judgemental, and tend to side with who they perceive the victim to be, IMO.

 

She had....none. Not one married girlfriend or couple from her many years of marriage, according to my husband.

 

Why?

[aeh]

My husband's OW had a Christmas party at her house that we were invited to. My H was one of the only people from work she invited. She kept asking him if we were coming. I think she just wanted to check me out.

[Lizzie60]

Why? Why did she do that? He was truly surprised she called him to join us.

 

I honestly don't know why she did that... I guess she was dying to see him... and it wasn't right... but I think the moron in all this ... is your H for allowing her to come over... that was utmost disrespect to you... he's got nerve...

 

Did she need to check out the competition? (ME)

 

Could be...

 

It's hard to say why she did this... most possibly out of curiosity... and to see him around you..

[Spark1111]

Lizzie, the way it played out, he didn't have a choice that afternoon.

 

Yes, he was a total moron for the affair, but that afternoon, he was blindsided by her....

 

To check us out as we were together?

 

Maybe....but she really wasn't around that long. It was a work group, albeit small and she worked with the group.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie, the way it played out, he didn't have a choice that afternoon.

 

Yes, he was a total moron for the affair, but that afternoon, he was blindsided by her....

 

To check us out as we were together?

 

Maybe....but she really wasn't around that long. It was a work group, albeit small and she worked with the group.

 

 

Then .. she probably had something she needed to check out.. who knows.. maybe they discussed something.. and she needed to see for herself...

 

It could be a zillion things..

[anne1707]

It seems to me that she was trying to check you out and also get some kind of pathetic little power kick by getting sympathy from you - all very distasteful

 

But this also shows that she saw you as a threat and that she felt insecure in her position. Whatever it was, it was low and cheap and says all you need to know about her.

[freestyle]

You know what Freestyle?

 

I think you are right. After DDAY, I only had empathy in my heart for a divorced mom raising a child. I know how lonely and vulnerable that life can be.

 

My anger was reserved totally for him. If you read my posts, they are heartfelt and full of kindness for her.

 

As time has gone on, so many things do not jive. Neither for me or for him.

 

For example:

 

If my husband cheated on me repeatedly and left me for her, I would have a whole passle of married friends who would circle their wagons around me after that heartbreak. Happily married people ARE judgemental, and tend to side with who they perceive the victim to be, IMO.

 

She had....none. Not one married girlfriend or couple from her many years of marriage, according to my husband.

 

Why?

 

This leads me to believe that there's a high likelihood that her story was full of holes. The kind you can drive a truck through.

 

Her actions and stories also lead me to speculate that she could have malignant narcissistic tendencies. People with severe NPD are prone to rewrite their marital history, painting themselves as the victim, and their spouse as the villain, completely flip-flopping the truth. And they are experts at using crocodile tears to manipulate.

 

They are also likely to engage in a smear campaign about their exes after a divorce.....(which you heard the first time you met her, she bashed her exH.....) And they will project their own vile behavior onto their victims. Happens all the time. Like a spouse always accusing the other spouse of cheating, when they, in fact, are the ones involved in an affair.........

 

And they are highly competitive.........

 

Just a theory......................

 

BTW, I've always thought highly of you for your empathy towards her, considering everything that happened. (tipping my hat to you...).

 

 

It does seem a little hinky that she had no support network after her marriage dissolved........Maybe she was the cheater.........

[JaneInVegas]

Spark, she did this for herself. She was trying to validate to herself that she's a 'nice person' because she was 'big enough' to talk to you, and be nice to you.

 

I did something similar once, and I know that for a short time I gave myself pats on the back for being so NICE to someone I should have hated.

 

Those who are not the type to need validation probably wouldn't understand, but I think it stems from self-esteem issues.

 

Let it go ... be glad it's all over with and you guys are back on track

[2sure]

I agree with a previous poster that said perhaps this was an OW of the pOaching variety. Checking out the competition.

 

Also..from reading here I have come to the conclusion that some OW seek out the drama. I just dont know why.

[silverplanets]

Spark, she did this for herself. She was trying to validate to herself that she's a 'nice person' because she was 'big enough' to talk to you, and be nice to you.

 

I did something similar once, and I know that for a short time I gave myself pats on the back for being so NICE to someone I should have hated.

 

Those who are not the type to need validation probably wouldn't understand, but I think it stems from self-esteem issues.

 

Let it go ... be glad it's all over with and you guys are back on track

 

Jane - I'd agree with this.

 

In a similar way the WS can hold kind of power over the AP which lingers on long after the A has ended. I felt this with my MW, just a lingering doubt that I could really tell her no if she pursued me again ... I cured it by meeting her and watching her try to throw herself at me again and learning I could (and did) say No and then walked away.

 

I knew then that she had no power over me other than what I gave her.

 

I know your situation is different but perhaps for her it was a way of proving to herself she was over your H.

 

UNless you've been an OW or OM it's difficult to undertand how much the experience can make you question your very soul ... part of healing it proving to ourselves that certain things have no more hold over us.

 

Just thoughts ...

[White Flower]

Okay, so we are two years since DDAy, happily reconciled, but still working through some issues. Normal, I hope.

 

Early in the affair (she was a work colleague), about 3 months after the onset, my WS and I are with another couple from his workplace at a beach bar.

 

His cell phone rings, he is very surprised it is her. He says, "Guess what? Blank is visiting her aunt nearby and I mentioned we may be here. Does anyone mind if she joins us for a drink?"

 

We say of course not.

 

She shows up and I am introduced to her for the first time. She seems very nice and I go and buy her a drink.

 

She whispers in my ear some cruel story about her xH preventing her son from joining her because it was the weekend and the xH had custody that day. The child is crying and blah, blah, blah.

 

I respond, "Oh, that is terrible to use a child as a pawn," or something to that effect. She stays a few more minutes, says good-bye, and returns to her aunt's home on the beach.

 

In retrospect: I thought she was nice. I thought it odd to confide something sooo personal to me the first time I meet her, but many people do. I never give her another thought until I discover she is the OW almost 13 months later.

 

Why? Why did she do that? He was truly surprised she called him to join us.

 

Did she need to check out the competition? (ME)

 

Did it empower her in some weird way to meet her lover's wife, have her be the one to buy her a drink?

 

Was it made all the more illicit once she had met me?

 

What possibly could be her motivation?

Hmm, interesting.

 

I think the story about her exH being cruel is ludicrous. I think she said it to make her look like a better mother who would otherwise be traveling with her child but since she is the victim of her evil exH she is faultless in your eyes and those of your H's.

 

She may also have wanted to learn whether you were a compassionate person upon telling her story to you. If you were compassionate about her and her child's supposed victimization perhaps you would also be compassionate toward her upon learning she was your H's OW?

 

True, she may have been checking out the competition. It is human nature even if some of us are more spiritual.

 

I don't see any empowerment here at all, at least not for me. Though, I would have bought my own drink.

 

I don't believe the A was any more illicit after meeting you in fact quite the contrary. Did meeting her spark any suspicion at all? She may have been trying to sense how naive you were as a wife whose H was having an A. Also, she may have wanted to demonstrate to your H how easy it was to be together whenever SHE wanted to be together--not only on HIS terms and HIS comfort level but on HERS. MM can be really afraid, ya know? They're all about taking risks but only behind closed doors. I think she was trying to teach him something new--to create more possibilities in the A.

 

I went to one event that was so huge I was seriously lost in the crowds. I called him by cell and he came to meet me for a few minutes. I did see them together and it just felt so wrong. I was very concerned she would see me, see him adoring me, and I didn't want to put her in that position so I never did it again. All OWs are different. I could never have an A with a man whose W was a friend of mine. That would be two betrayals and not just one. I do believe that would hurt more for the BS. I know this OW was not necessarily your friend, but she did try to befriend you.

 

Did you ever wonder or notice if she tried to reconnect with you again? Is it possible that she sized you up, thought you were too strong a foe, and backed off making an entrance (or imposing) like that again?

Edited January 22, 2010 by White Flower

[White Flower]

Oh snowflower, I am enjoying my new marriage.

 

And I no longer obsess about the OW, not since I spoke to her.

 

I just find her somewhat atypical from the postings I have read here from other OW I like and admire.

 

She seems a different cat to me, now.

 

Today, a conversation about heading to the beach when warm weather arrives triggered this old memory.

 

It seems to me, most OW would want to remain anonymous to the spouse. Why not this one? What was to gain?

 

Curious is all......

You know, my exMM had an OW once who was practically best friends with his W. I often wonder if she compared notes to what he said against what his W said. In a very real way, she could tell if MM was lying. I wouldn't have a clue, except for basic instincts and intuition, if he was lying to me.

 

My instincts are good, however, and he confessed all of his past to me.

 

Spark, I don't see you as obsessing. I see you as an intelligent woman who wants to understand the affair dynamic from all sides. I am the same way and we are on opposite sides of the spectrum, yet so similar in many ways. I really enjoy your threads.

[White Flower]

The dynamic is new to me also, OW! I have never felt THAT insecure, in wanting to keep a man....any man.

 

You make some excellent points, however. Whether consciously or unconsciously, it seems in retrospect pretty brazen to me now how she needed to infiltrate herself into the afternoon, since the affair had already started.

 

Most OW, while wishing to become the primary relationship, would not do this, I don't think, would they? Wouldn't they want to preserve their anonymity until the time is right?

 

Also interesting to note, she went on to hit the gym, lose a lot of weight...as if she percieved we were in a competition?

 

Is this all in the name of wanting to "win" or wanting to win the married man.

 

There is a difference between the two, I think.

There is a diffrence. There is the prize of the MM or the prize of beig thinner itself.

 

But actually, some MM prefer their OWs to be quite different from their BW. He may prefer someone more curvacious so competition isn't necessary at all with regard to working out. There may be other competing factors, however.

[White Flower]

Well. yeah.

 

She tells my husband that her xH's family are all still on the other side of the pond, where she rescued him as some sort of gutter rat, brought him here and got him through law school while resuing him from drugs and alcohol occasionally. As he grew accomplished, according to her, he began to have many affairs and then divorced OW for his last affair partner. They now have a baby.

 

Guess what? Not only does he have cousins here, they all live in our hometown!

 

The xH lives one town over from us, but is in our school district. OW never told my husband that.

 

What is going on here????

It may not have been important at all to indulge the ex living close by OR it may have meant she still had relations with him and didn't want your H to know?

[White Flower]

You know what Freestyle?

 

I think you are right. After DDAY, I only had empathy in my heart for a divorced mom raising a child. I know how lonely and vulnerable that life can be.

 

My anger was reserved totally for him. If you read my posts, they are heartfelt and full of kindness for her.

 

As time has gone on, so many things do not jive. Neither for me or for him.

 

For example:

 

If my husband cheated on me repeatedly and left me for her, I would have a whole passle of married friends who would circle their wagons around me after that heartbreak. Happily married people ARE judgemental, and tend to side with who they perceive the victim to be, IMO.

 

She had....none. Not one married girlfriend or couple from her many years of marriage, according to my husband.

 

Why?

Spark, I don't know how you quantify this but let's say it's true. Maybe she DID have M friends before her D. I'll tell you what. MANY of my M friends disappeared after my D. Many got D'd shortly thereafter (It has only been a year) and some must have chosen to cut me out simply because I am a new, hot cat and they don't want the kitty near their Hs. Of course this is ludicrous because I'm not going to hit up their H's but I have to wonder why I wasn't circled by my M friends. Sweetie, you would be surprised and I hope you don't have to find out.

 

I find that most people believe in love. When they see MM leave and marry the OW, as long as there is a happy ending people end up being happy for the new M couple. I have SEEN this happen IRL and know it to be true. When MM 'does the right thing' people tend to believe there was something redeemable and worthy for him to leave and so they accept her. This does not mean there was something wrong with the BW, just that she was wrong for HIM.

 

I do have a few M friends left who stay in my life and are not threatened by my being single. They do, as you say, support me as 'the victim' of my M and they do badmouth my ex but I'm not so sure they would do that to his face. I'm sure sometimes the 'support' is just lip service and if he had a chance to tell his side of the story they would 'support' him too.

[Spark1111]

Hmm, interesting.

 

I think the story about her exH being cruel is ludicrous. I think she said it to make her look like a better mother who would otherwise be traveling with her child but since she is the victim of her evil exH she is faultless in your eyes and those of your H's.

 

She may also have wanted to learn whether you were a compassionate person upon telling her story to you. If you were compassionate about her and her child's supposed victimization perhaps you would also be compassionate toward her upon learning she was your H's OW?

 

True, she may have been checking out the competition. It is human nature even if some of us are more spiritual.

 

I don't see any empowerment here at all, at least not for me. Though, I would have bought my own drink.

 

I don't believe the A was any more illicit after meeting you in fact quite the contrary. Did meeting her spark any suspicion at all? She may have been trying to sense how naive you were as a wife whose H was having an A. Also, she may have wanted to demonstrate to your H how easy it was to be together whenever SHE wanted to be together--not only on HIS terms and HIS comfort level but on HERS. MM can be really afraid, ya know? They're all about taking risks but only behind closed doors. I think she was trying to teach him something new--to create more possibilities in the A.

 

I went to one event that was so huge I was seriously lost in the crowds. I called him by cell and he came to meet me for a few minutes. I did see them together and it just felt so wrong. I was very concerned she would see me, see him adoring me, and I didn't want to put her in that position so I never did it again. All OWs are different. I could never have an A with a man whose W was a friend of mine. That would be two betrayals and not just one. I do believe that would hurt more for the BS. I know this OW was not necessarily your friend, but she did try to befriend you.

 

Did you ever wonder or notice if she tried to reconnect with you again? Is it possible that she sized you up, thought you were too strong a foe, and backed off making an entrance (or imposing) like that again?

 

Well, yes and no. There were a few company events I am sure she was at but I never saw her.

 

About 4 months before DDay, my FIL passes away, and many of my husband's work colleagues attend to pay their respects.

 

I realize she is there and go out of my way to say hello. In the confusion, she ignores me? Snubs me? I truly thought she hadn't heard me at the time and go on to thank all others for paying there respects to my FIL.

 

In retrospect, it was a definite snub. At the time, I thought she may be hard of hearing. hahahaha!

 

After DDAy, I was furious that she was there, snubbed me, and in some brazen manner felt she had attend to emotionally support him.

 

I have known my FIL since I was 15 and that man loved me! It was just sooooo wrong on so many different levels.

 

I told my husband, FU from the grave on that one, forever.

[Spark1111]

Friendly, warm, outgoing......and naive, WHO ME???? Hahahaha.

 

I always said this chapter in my life will be entitled:"I So Loved and Trusted My Husband That I Made it A Piece of Cake for him to Have and Affair."

 

WF - I now believe this woman was highly competitive with little 'ole me and believed she was not only the better choice for him, but that she would definitely be chosen by him.

 

And you know what? I still feel her pain when he did a 180 on her post DDAY.

 

Hell, now that I am thinking about, she was acting like the WIFE at FIL's funeral, not the mistress.

[White Flower]

Friendly, warm, outgoing......and naive, WHO ME???? Hahahaha.

 

I always said this chapter in my life will be entitled:"I So Loved and Trusted My Husband That I Made it A Piece of Cake for him to Have and Affair."

 

WF - I now believe this woman was highly competitive with little 'ole me and believed she was not only the better choice for him, but that she would definitely be chosen by him.

 

And you know what? I still feel her pain when he did a 180 on her post DDAY.

 

Hell, now that I am thinking about, she was acting like the WIFE at FIL's funeral, not the mistress.

Spark, you are one interesting human being. You once said you wished I was the OW in your story and I wish you were the BW in mine. You want to learn everything you can about this dynamic just like I do. Are we obsessed? No, I don't think so. I think we're just intelligent women who want to know all that we can in order to not repeat the history we are doomed to repeat if we don't understand it.

 

Why do you feel like she was acting like the W at the funeral? I'm surprised he allowed her to be there. I don't see my exMM allowing me to be there; however, he did have an exOW (one time very close friend of his W's) come to his FIL's funeral. He couldn't do much about it since she is a long term family friend. It wouldn't have made sense for me to attend since I am totally outside his circle of friends and family. And I'm not sure I would want to bring my presence into their lives on such an occasion.