New Relationship Anxieties

[Elemental75]

Three months ago I started seeing a guy I met online (discussion forum, not a dating site).

 

A bit of background: we are both in our thirties, and I have been single for about 4 years after a very traumatic break-up of a long-term relationship which included my ex cheating on me over a long period. He was in a relationship (on-again, off-again) until about September of last year.

 

This is an LDR as we live in different cities and both have work commitments that keep us occupied during the week so we see each other at the weekends.

 

He came on VERY strong at the beginning (wanting to make plans etc., said he loved me within about two weeks(!)) whereas I was more cautious. We e-mail/talk on the phone every day. He knows I have trust issues and insecurities from my previous experiences and the LDR can make that more difficult. There have been occasions already where I get very anxious if he doesn't text or reply to an e-mail 'quickly enough'. I try not to be a pain in the neck about this, and certainly don't sent anxious e-mails or texts saying 'is everything ok?' or anything like that

 

The thing is, he seems to have cooled since the very beginning. He e-mails/texts me with less urgency now. He talks less about future plans and so on. Part of me is not surprised, since I took his love-bombing at the beginning with a grain of salt - it takes time to get to know someone, after all, but part of me is annoyed and fears that this is the start of neglectful behaviour.

 

I can't seem to separate out my insecurities from a genuine assessment of what is appropriate behaviour to expect. I know that some cooling from the initial rush of feeling/infatuation at the start of a relationship is normal, but it makes me anxious all the same. My big fear is being manipulated, as my ex was an arch manipulator who would blow hot and cold to keep me panting like a puppy dog.

 

Is it perhaps wise to be deliberately unavailable at times, or to deliberately take my time replying to his e-mails/texts? I don't usually hold with playing games (goes against all my instincts) but the last thing I want is for him to take me for granted or to annoy him with neediness. Any advice?

[Rainman760]

What are your thoughts about him saying "I love you" after only two weeks? Was it sincere, assertive, insecure or perhaps manipulative? Do you think it's likely or even possible after two weeks? What was your response? What was his reaction?

 

The answers to these questions are a big part of your understanding of this, imo.

 

I think sometimes people confuse 'playing games' with the art of seduction and courtship. These behaviors may seem unnecessary and convoluted but for some reason this little dance seems to be needed in order to pique and sustain interest in the early stages of attraction. People rarely lay all their cards on the table at the outset; perhaps it would be so much easier if we did!

[Elemental75]

Hmm, how do I feel about him saying that. I was worried about it being so soon. I think you need to know somebody before you can say it with confidence, and it's easy to confuse strong attraction/apparent initial compatibility with 'love', which is something that must be earned. So his saying it early like that made me a bit insecure, because my unconscious thought was 'it's all downhill from here; he'll see more of me and change his mind'

 

I have said it back to him, but I said it later, and not in response to his saying it first. I think he was fine with me not saying it back straight away.

 

My insecurities stem partly from a belief that it is *not* possible or likely after two weeks (even if we'd corresponded online for a considerable time before that)

 

Having said that, there *is* a lot of common ground and growing affection on both sides, I think. So I was prepared to 'wait and see'. I initially worried that he was being manipulative, and suspect it may have arisen out of an insecurity on his part (btw I've no problem with a guy being a bit insecure early in the relationship; I understand where that comes from!). I think he was anxious to demonstrate strong feeling towards me at the beginning because he was worried I'd back off. And he is someone who seems to have no difficulty with expressing emotion, which is a rare trait in a guy and something I like and respect about him. And actually, I appreciate the attentiveness and need the reassurance. It's my instinct to do the same with him.

 

I agree about the seduction game - actually it is agonizing! I envy people who can just be in the moment and enjoy it without worrying about the outcome My instinct is that he is a really decent guy (his past relationship history would seem to bear this out, too) and the fact that my feelings for him are growing makes me feel...insecure when I perceive a lack of urgency to reply to my messages etc., just because he was more attentive in the beginning. I have a horror of coming off as needy, though.

Edited January 20, 2010 by Elemental75

[Rainman760]

Well, you're in it now sister! It seems like you've made your call about him based on your instincts and that's fine. In the early stages when things are still a bit unsure, I've learned to try to avoid the tendency of obsessing about the other persons behavior to make it fit in with my desires. It's so easy to loose some of our objectivity when these feelings are so prevalent. Couple that with our own insecurities and then the mulling and pondering starts! Plus, in your case, the inherent adversity of the LDR isn't the best environment for contentment; in fact it's one of the classic scenarios that creates this unsure anxiety in relationships. Is he busy? What is he doing that he hasn't called back? etc.

 

But it seems like you have a good foundation to build on and maybe your own insecurities are driving the bus right now. Keep your powder dry, and I would try not to over-analyze the minutiae. Maybe after spending more time together things with come into focus with time and communication.