So what would you do.....

January 21, 2010

OK, the flippantly part was left out of her post. Or I missed it.
Given the tone you are conveying...I'm glad you realize that NOTHING good comes of going.
OK. Lets try and guesstimate his POV.

The A. Was it a mistake? NO. Not only in "pursuit and execution" but also in terms of HIS repercussions...of which there have been none. So, from HIS eyes...the A was a good time and that's that. So WHY apologize?
I hope you see what I'm driving at.

And clearly shows HIS character. Do you really expect more from him?
Given his behavior, past and present, do you THINK he will up and apologize or "Feel bad"? Of course not. I hate to say it...but he got what he wanted and moved on. As a single guy (at the time) its his "prerogative" to uh...be promiscuous. No repercussions to be faced by HIM for YOUR M.

Again...spoken from his POV..not yours. I hope you see where I am trying to go...

So what.
Not flippant...seriously...so what. Who cares what she does or doesn't know. So what the a-hole eyes your W. So what he plays games at work.
Maybe this helps...I'm sure your W draws a man's attention. Maybe just in the grocery store or wherever...she gets eyed. Does THAT bother you? Of course not. Given her title, I'm guessing she has dealt with jerks in the office before...again, no different.

What IS different is WHO. That's the issue here...not the incidents themselves. So...my question for you BOTH is:

Why cede to him this power and control?
He can only bother if you LET him...what can you do to release this grip he has on your M?

And, I'll briefly touch that last sentence. Here's his character on display...expect nothing better that what he has shown.

No dilemma. You want revenge. You want to hurt the guy. I get it.
But don't. LET. IT. GO.

Why do YOU care he has not suffered? HE DOESN'T matter. Stop giving him this power. This ends when YOU decide it does.

Choose now.

Never.

You haven't made peace with this my friend. Nowhere NEAR close.
Back to IC with you. Maybe MC if you think your W can help you...

NOTHING. Not a damn thing.
I would accept the invite and let it known to ALL that for whatever reason (like previously scheduled romantic getaway) you CANNOT attend and wish them well.

Look...I've been where you are. My xWW was banging her boss. I KNOW how you feel. And now, not even two years out...I have NO hard feelings for them at all (they were dating...but dunno now). I only want them to be happy.

Get there. Its a WONDERFUL place to be.

Good post!

January 21, 2010

Yep - the ones with too much class to consider something like making a scene at someone else's wedding or attending a funeral simply to p*ss on the grave.

As the BS, my H has not intruded on anybody else's personal life (unlike the ex-OM) and is only considering attending the wedding because he has, in my opinion, perfectly understandable feelings towards the ex-OM. He would not want to cause a scene - particularly for my sake rather than anybody elses. He does not want to hurt the bride although he does believe that whe will eventually be hurt by her future husband. My H would also never attend a funeral as you have implied here.

My H does have class, dignity and self-respect. He has behaved in a totally fair and considerate manner throughout all of this and does not deserve this criticism.

January 21, 2010

I agree that I think you have an amazing husband. You are extremely lucky. I wonder if you would have shown such enormous forgiveness if the roles had been reversed and he was cheating on you for 3 years and putting your health at risk for STD's behind your back?

January 21, 2010

OK, I have to ask....Why are people beating up on Anne, when both she AND her husband have posted in this thread?

have you read his comments, Bryan?

if he's ok with the way things have progressed, why are you nailing her?

And if you're so interested, why not ask him?

he's in this thread too....

Anne, pass this one over to him.

I'm sure he'd be happy to respond to Bryan, himself.....

January 21, 2010

I have to admit, its hard to understand how passive many of you seem to be. As a BH, I view what happened as a PERSONAL INSULT to me and I have found no benefit in "turning the other cheek" when working on R with my FWW or towards the OM.

I've found that we make progress when I assume a strong, confident position of strength and don't tolerate any disrespect or BS. From reading his comments, wuggle appears to have a similar view, and has a strong desire to face OM and cause him discomfort, and I commend him for that stance.

I also get the impression that anne appreciates wuggle's strength in facing this issue, and will support him. Kudo's to you, anne, I have a better opinion of you after I've read your BH's thoughts.

I still stand behind my original point ... this is WUGGLE'S decision to make ... based on whatever HE thinks is best for HIM, and anne OWES him as much.

CLEARLY, not every BH has the "stones" to stand up for themselves, and to advise them to be strong is pointless, but for those like wuggle's, who are determined to reclaim their self-respect, are MEN among men in my book.

January 21, 2010

mmmmm ...

If you are going to prove to each other that your love is strong enough and he has no hold of you then ok , go , stay a little while, be dignified, stay long enough so you feel you've made your point to each other that he has no hold of you, then for goodness sake leave the damn wedding (which is all about him) and go somewhere for you guys ... and never look back

If you're going with the intention of deliberately humiliating him to make you feel better then I feel sad for you two (not him) as you're the only ones going to get hurt by it.

I don't know the OM's character but have you really thought it through:

Say you did this at my wedding then maybe I'd say "yup it's true ... I was foolish, she (your wife) threw herself at me and I was lonely ... it was wrong and out of it I realsied how much I love x (my new wife)"

If you took a swing at me aswell then I'd say the above AND lodge a police complaint (so you now have a police entry to worry about )...

If you bad mouth me to my colleagues then i'd just say "sorry guys, he's just pissed because I made a silly mistake and slept with his wife. I understand how he feels, but it's her he needs to work it out with not me. I'm just glad my new wife hasn't been sleeping with anyone else."

etc, etc, etc

So ultimately everyone would know that a) your wife was unfaithful, b) it still bothers you and c) I (ie him) am SO happy to have found a decent wife of my own ..

I might come out smelling or roses and anything you deny would be pointless as if I truly didn't matter to you then you wouldn't have needed to come to my wedding !!!!

So back to the point - if you go, surely it's best to go purely to prove to yourselves that HE has no hold of you and you have nothing to fear ... so go, keep it short and sweet, no bitching and walk away with your dignity intact and knowing that you (as a couple) were strong enough to do that ...

OK, If i've got anything wrong/mis-read then sorry ... at work here and just wanted to say how concerned I'd be about how you'd look after anything happenned ...

Be safe

Chris

January 21, 2010

OK, I have to ask....Why are people beating up on Anne, when both she AND her husband have posted in this thread?
have you read his comments, Bryan?

if he's ok with the way things have progressed, why are you nailing her?
And if you're so interested, why not ask him?
he's in this thread too....

Anne, pass this one over to him.
I'm sure he'd be happy to respond to Bryan, himself.....

Completely agree. I have no idea why people are having a pop at Anne or going off on one about OW etc. It was me who was toying with the idea of attending the wedding, not as some have said to make a scene and ruin the wife-to-be's day, but more to make the other man feel bad. I wouldn't have actually done or said anything, I probably wouldn't need to, he would probably have had bowel problems me just being there. Let me be clear, I harbour no ill feelings at all to the wife to be, quite the opposite. My issues are about people not suffering any consequences for their actions whilst other people suffer enormously. The injustice cripples me.

That being said, as JW171 has made me realise, altough I think I have got past most of the revenge and hate issues, I cannot be sure enough that I have, so until I am am completely sure that my motives are purely altruistic I agree I should do nothing. I will need to think about that some more. I certainly think that we should let the former OM (or d*ckh*ad as we know him in our house) THINK that we plan to attend, just to spoil his time between now and the wedding.

I agree that I think you have an amazing husband. You are extremely lucky. I wonder if you would have shown such enormous forgiveness if the roles had been reversed and he was cheating on you for 3 years and putting your health at risk for STD's behind your back?

I agree, I am wonderful, but then so is my wife we both still love each other very much and we will BOTH continue to work on us.

Just to put the record straight, I am pretty sure that Anne would have forgiven a 3 year affair, she HAS already forgiven MY affair of several years earlier, albeit a much shorter one, no less selfish, risky or wrong.

We all f*ck up, we all own our issues and try to deal with them. That surely is the beauty of sites like this, at least they help people work stuff out by talking it through.

But in this instance please stick to having a pop at me and calling me names as I think most of the issues being discussed here are mine.

January 21, 2010

I have to admit, its hard to understand how passive many of you seem to be. As a BH, I view what happened as a PERSONAL INSULT to me and I have found no benefit in "turning the other cheek" when working on R with my FWW or towards the OM.

I've found that we make progress when I assume a strong, confident position of strength and don't tolerate any disrespect or BS. From reading his comments, wuggle appears to have a similar view, and has a strong desire to face OM and cause him discomfort, and I commend him for that stance.

I also get the impression that anne appreciates wuggle's strength in facing this issue, and will support him. Kudo's to you, anne, I have a better opinion of you after I've read your BH's thoughts.

I still stand behind my original point ... this is WUGGLE'S decision to make ... based on whatever HE thinks is best for HIM, and anne OWES him as much.

CLEARLY, not every BH has the "stones" to stand up for themselves, and to advise them to be strong is pointless, but for those like wuggle's, who are determined to reclaim their self-respect, are MEN among men in my book.

Trust me, having the 'stones' to hurt him isn't the issue, I could sort that out whilst asleep:laugh:. If only life were that simple. I am more concerned with what is right and wrong. Morality, what a bummer...

January 21, 2010

I have to admit, its hard to understand how passive many of you seem to be. As a BH, I view what happened as a PERSONAL INSULT to me and I have found no benefit in "turning the other cheek" when working on R with my FWW or towards the OM.

I've found that we make progress when I assume a strong, confident position of strength and don't tolerate any disrespect or BS. From reading his comments, wuggle appears to have a similar view, and has a strong desire to face OM and cause him discomfort, and I commend him for that stance.

I also get the impression that anne appreciates wuggle's strength in facing this issue, and will support him. Kudo's to you, anne, I have a better opinion of you after I've read your BH's thoughts.

I still stand behind my original point ... this is WUGGLE'S decision to make ... based on whatever HE thinks is best for HIM, and anne OWES him as much.

CLEARLY, not every BH has the "stones" to stand up for themselves, and to advise them to be strong is pointless, but for those like wuggle's, who are determined to reclaim their self-respect, are MEN among men in my book.

mmmmm .. when the H of a MW I was seeing tried to cause hurt to me in this way I forwarded him (and her) a large proportion of the emails she had send me with the comment "I understand how you feel but you need to talk to your wife not me"

I then lodged ALL the emails with my lawyer and (to this day) they have written instructions to forward them to the police should anything happen to me.

Up until he escalated I was happy to walk away (she had told me that she was going to leave him) and if they wanted to try again then OK I accepted that.

But HIS escalation tried to make it personal, so I responded in a like manner.

and yes, btw, the emails i DID forward were the ones where she said she'd faked it on the wedding night, that she was never attracted to him as he was short ... etc etc

and NO, I did not forward him the emails in which she said that she had named their second son after me nor the ones in which she talked about his dying mother ...

My point is I had no desire to be cruel and only retaliated to make the point ...

So whilst I understand the desire to "hurt" someone else .. the reality is that none of it will change the fact that your wife was a more than willing participant/maybe even instigator???

If it's done, it's done .... leave it alone or be prepared that opening it up again will not go as you plan ...

... btw I doubt I'm the only AP who keeps ALL the emails they are sent !

Not trying to annoy with this post, just making the point .. right now it's ended as well as it can .. . think carefully before stirring it up again !!!

January 21, 2010

We all f*ck up, we all own our issues and try to deal with them. That surely is the beauty of sites like this, at least they help people work stuff out by talking it through.

I agree 110%

We all make mistakes ...

and we're all capable of hitting back if someone comes at us to really grind our faces in them !!

You have the high ground, your wife and your love for each other

What more do you need?

January 21, 2010

I am willing to bet he didn't tell his new wifey everything

And if that holds then it also holds the OP hasn't told everything (and that's not a BAD thing !)

This macho "hit them" advice sounds good until they hit you back with something really bad (and trust me after a decent length affair there will be detail that should NEVER see the light of day !!!)

January 21, 2010

It was me who was toying with the idea of attending the wedding, not as some have said to make a scene and ruin the wife-to-be's day, but more to make the other man feel bad. I wouldn't have actually done or said anything, I probably wouldn't need to, he would probably have had bowel problems me just being there. Let me be clear, I harbour no ill feelings at all to the wife to be, quite the opposite. My issues are about people not suffering any consequences for their actions whilst other people suffer enormously. The injustice cripples me.

.

I can completely understand this impulse. It's one I would for-sure struggle with in your shoes, as forgiveness does not come easily to me and I hate to be seen as a pushover. However it is my belief that simply being there at the wedding without ever saying or doing anything untoward would have great potential to bring the innocent bride down, cause her a great deal of stress. Obviously, if she does know about her fiance's past with Anne. Less obviously, even if she doesn't...surely she will sense that her groom's focus is not on her but on another woman/couple, that he is stressed and unhappy? What bride would not feel like crap seeing her groom visibly stressed and unhappy on their wedding day? Wouldn't she begin to question him, feel like she is in the dark about some integral part of her own wedding day?

I'm glad you are leaning away from attending, not because I give two figs about whether it's 'your place' to do anything with the OM, simply because I empathize with the bride.

I wish you and your wife luck on your continuing journey with each other.

January 30, 2010

Wuggle,

Why not tell the OM that if he doesn't find another job you will tell his future wife about the affair. This would allow your wife to keep her current job. It would allow you both to attain legitimate NC. And the OM would at last be forced to deal with consequences of his actions.

January 30, 2010

First some background information - I had a 3 year affair with a work colleague which ended 18 months ago. My H and I are still together and doing well in our recovery.

The ex-OM has just told me that he and the woman he started seeing after the affair ended are getting married in a few months time. He will be sending a general invite to the wedding for everybody at work but he thinks its best if I don't go. He hasn't said I am not invited but he thinks it would not be a good idea and he does not want anything spoiling his wedding day. I am assuming partners will be invited and my H is fully aware of the situation - and wants to go!. The future bride is also allegedly aware of me and is "perfectly happy" about the ex-OM and I working together (unlike my H and I - I am looking for another job).

So what would you do:

Just not go and just say to colleagues that I can't make it, etc - probably the most civilised thing to do but why should I lie to protect the ex-OM
Not go and tell people that I am not invited!
Accept the invitation when it comes out, let the ex-OM stress about it in the build up to the wedding but just not turn up on the day
Accept and go but be perfectly pleasant and polite - whilst ex-OM stresses himself
Accept and go - and my H then makes it known to either bride or groom that he has "strong views" about the ex-OM
I know that my H feels as if the ex-OM got through the affair unscathed whilst we went through hell together and that my H obviously harbours some resentment for the ex-OM (fair enough).

I am actually tempted to book a romantic weekend away for my H and I - but my H may feel differently so I am wondering what others may do/recommend in this situation.

I would not go (no need to explain why).

Book another get away with H.

Have a great time e:D

March 2, 2010

Hey Wuggle an anne1707

Read thru all the threads on anne and I must say that I was in shock and amazed. Wuggle you did wrong by cheating and anne forgave you for this. However then anne has a long term affair and then is forgiven also. Both of you really sunk low, however then you show some amazing highs too. Forgiveness for infidelity is a really difficult thing to do and I am impressed at anyone who can forgive. I had been cheated on myself (thankfully not married at the time) and the one time I tried to forgive didn't work at all for me.

Still had certain issues that came up even after meeting up with my wife. Thankfully my wife understood that I'd been hurt badly in the past and has done her best to make me feel secure. Thankfully my wife and I have not had to deal with infidelity at all.

I hope that you both recover from this and are happy together. Again I am very impressed that you two are sticking together and making it. Just remember that infidelity is not something you say "I'm sorry" for it is an ongoing amends that you make to your spouse.

Think of doing these things for her,

buy her flowers,

write her a poem,

buy her jewelry,

give her a back rub,

For him,

show up at the door nude,

bring beer

Wish the best for both of you, good luck.

March 2, 2010

I liked the first suggestion you received on this thread. I would not attend the wedding. It would not even be a consideration for me. I would not offer explanations to anyone. If they do ask, just say you can't make the wedding as you have plans. Make plans and it's the truth.

March 2, 2010

First some background information - I had a 3 year affair with a work colleague which ended 18 months ago. My H and I are still together and doing well in our recovery. --> It is most of all your husband's recovery rather than yours I imagine because you are the one bringing a bit of flavor to your relationship. You are very lucky to have such a hubby taking that s..t

The ex-OM has just told me that he and the woman he started seeing after the affair ended are getting married in a few months time. He will be sending a general invite to the wedding for everybody at work but he thinks its best if I don't go. He hasn't said I am not invited but he thinks it would not be a good idea and he does not want anything spoiling his wedding day. I am assuming partners will be invited and my H is fully aware of the situation - and wants to go!. The future bride is also allegedly aware of me and is "perfectly happy" about the ex-OM and I working together (unlike my H and I - I am looking for another job).

So what would you do:
Just not go and just say to colleagues that I can't make it, etc - probably the most civilised thing to do but why should I lie to protect the ex-OM
Not go and tell people that I am not invited!
Accept the invitation when it comes out, let the ex-OM stress about it in the build up to the wedding but just not turn up on the day
Accept and go but be perfectly pleasant and polite - whilst ex-OM stresses himself
Accept and go - and my H then makes it known to either bride or groom that he has "strong views" about the ex-OM --> You can do whatever you want as you got your hubby agreeing on any decision you take as well. As far as I can see you still not done with the OM as you are thinking of this still
I know that my H feels as if the ex-OM got through the affair unscathed whilst we went through hell together and that my H obviously harbours some resentment for the ex-OM (fair enough).
--> I think hubby is wrong in who to resent here - ex - OM ? Or you?

I am actually tempted to book a romantic weekend away for my H and I - but my H may feel differently so I am wondering what others may do/recommend in this situation.

--> You can call OM & his g/f as well

Great that you can be so frank though -

Cheers

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