So what would you do.....

[anne1707]

OK to those of you who seem to think I want to go this wedding - I don't and I have already said this. And those of you who think I am imposing this wedding on my H, again as I have already stated - it is he who has indficated that he wants to go. For those of you who say get another job - I am looking but as my level of seniority in a specialist sector and in this economy, there are very few that crop up. My H knows this (he works in the same sector) and knows I am looking and have applied for every potential vacancy that suited. He does not want me to sacrifice my career and can cope with the situation as it stands for now.

 

I don't need to be told how to do NC whilst still working with the ex-OM. I already do that. My H and I are in fact doing really well with our recovery and he has forgiven me. I appreciate more than words can ever express. He does not make me feel that I "owe" him anything other than being happy. However I know he has some strong views on this subject and I cannot just ignore that.

 

The options I put forward in my opening post are pretty much summaries of things my H has suggested - not me!

 

 

And yes - I know I have got a tad defensive but I am being accused of thoughts/feelings that definitely do not apply. I will take a bashing where its due but in this case, its not due.

[Snowflower]

 

 

And yes - I know I have got a tad defensive but I am being accused of thoughts/feelings that definitely do not apply. I will take a bashing where its due but in this case, its not due.

 

Your defensiveness is understandable. There was a lot of projection and assumptions being made by some who had their own agenda. I couldn't quite figure out where the accusations were coming from as I read through this thread. For some, they can't quite understand why a marriage would thrive after an A.

 

I'm glad your marriage is recovering well. I do think it is possible and sometimes WS truly regret their choice to have an A and work hard to restore the trust and faith they lost from their BS.

[anne1707]

Thank you Snowflower

[HappyAtLast]

Please stay home. Really, how could anything good come out of you going? Book a nice weekend with your husband, politely decline the invite (as is expected and requested that you do) and avoid allowing your husband to air your dirty laundry in public, hence embarrassing you professionally, which is never a good idea in this sort of economy. Never air your personal issues with business colleagues, or allow anyone else to do so.

[wuggle]

So, some perspective from a husband's point of view. Firstly I must point out to some posters who have made sweeping assumptions (perfectly normal and forgivable) my wife and I are recovering well, we both love each other, I AM happy that she is looking for another job (which IS difficult at the moment) and that she IS doing NC as far as possible whilst still having to work with the OM.

 

When my wife told me about the invite to the wedding and the request not to attend, it was me who (rather flippantly) said that we should go.

 

For my part, personal responsibility is very important. When someone does wrong they should own the mistake and try to correct it or limit the damage that has been caused. The OM has NOT, IMO admitted a mistake of any kind. He has made no attempts to find another job (unlike my wife) and periodically 'looks her up and down' even to this day. I do NOT believe that he has even told his wife to be about the affair that he had with a woman he still works with, let alone the fact that he still eyes her up or that he sometimes makes life difficult for my wife by playing games at work. Whenever he has seen me he has had a stupid smug grin on his face.

 

Now to my dilema. Whilst I have the ability to 'forgive' that would make even a buddhist look like a violent thug (only joking Tara ) I question wether it is in either the OM or his future wifes (or my own and my wifes) best interests to do nothing. To date the OM has suffered NO consequence for his actions, (indeed IMO is either a partial sociopath or just an incredibly arrogant and smug bas*rd) and I do not believe that his future wife has any idea at all that he had an affair with my wife or that he STILL eyes her up to this day.

 

So is it really best under these circumstances to NOT force him to accept some consequences and to let her know that the person she is planning to marry is a complete and utter sh*t ?? (like his previous 2 wives have !)

 

Maybe doing the wrong thing will be the right thing ?

 

What would you do ?

[HappyAtLast]

While I can completely understand how you feel, do you really want to cause a scene at an event which your wife's business colleagues will be in attendance? And, do you really feel that it is your place to make the other man suffer the consequences of his actions? Not suggesting that you forgive, but I think we all know that revenge is never a good plan either.

 

Of course, this is all just my opinion and I am not a big fan of folks bringing their personal drama into the lives of their business colleagues. Two completely separate issues, I believe.

[Lizzie60]

I would definitely stay home... I don't think it is a good idea to go.

 

The best 'revenge' is to move on... ignore them.

 

You'll save money...

[anne1707]

You'll save money...

 

As if I would spend any money on a wedding present

[wuggle]

While I can completely understand how you feel, do you really want to cause a scene at an event which your wife's business colleagues will be in attendance?

 

No, ideas that I have considered before are sending a letter to the wife to be BEFORE the wedding, so that she definitely knows, as I really believe she doesn't at the moment.

 

IF (as I flippantly said we should) we went to the wedding I am more likely just to attend to make HIM have bowel problems as hinted at by Tara earlier.

 

And, do you really feel that it is your place to make the other man suffer the consequences of his actions? Not suggesting that you forgive, but I think we all know that revenge is never a good plan either.

 

Yes, I think it MIGHT be my place. If not me who ? maybe I am shirking my responsibilities if i DONT make him suffer some consequences ??

 

Of course, this is all just my opinion and I am not a big fan of folks bringing their personal drama into the lives of their business colleagues. Two completely separate issues, I believe.

 

Generally agreed, work & personal lifes should be kept seperate but I'm not sure that applies now.

[PhoenixRise]

Wuggle

 

I understand how you feel. As far as I know my H's FOW went back to her life with few consequences. While my life, my, family had to deal with what felt like a atom bomb going off in our living room.

 

However, I don't think there is anything you can tell the future wife that she will want to hear or believe. In fact, what will probably happen is FMM will spin it around and make it seem like your wife is a stalker. This could easily boomerang to negatively affect your wife in the workplace.

 

The future bride is in love and you are not her friend. She has no reason to believe you over him.

[silktricks]

Yes, I think it MIGHT be my place. If not me who ? maybe I am shirking my responsibilities if i DONT make him suffer some consequences ??

 

JMO, but your recovered marriage is the important thing. Part of a recovered marriage is making the former OW/OM a complete non-entity - not important - not anything to the reality of your lives now.

 

If you intrude (and doing this would certainly be an intrusion), then you are in turn opening yourselves and your lives once again to this... creep .

 

If the woman he is marrying is or is not aware of his proclivities, it is not really any of your business to interfere in their life. If he had not had an affair with your wife, but rather someone else, and you knew of the affair - would you have this same desire to let his future wife know?

 

Sorry, but this smacks to me of revenge - and though revenge may be sweet, it is IMO not the way to continue with the growth of your own happiness.

[jwi71]

When my wife told me about the invite to the wedding and the request not to attend, it was me who (rather flippantly) said that we should go.

 

OK, the flippantly part was left out of her post. Or I missed it.

Given the tone you are conveying...I'm glad you realize that NOTHING good comes of going.

For my part, personal responsibility is very important. When someone does wrong they should own the mistake and try to correct it or limit the damage that has been caused. The OM has NOT, IMO admitted a mistake of any kind.

OK. Lets try and guesstimate his POV.

 

The A. Was it a mistake? NO. Not only in "pursuit and execution" but also in terms of HIS repercussions...of which there have been none. So, from HIS eyes...the A was a good time and that's that. So WHY apologize?

I hope you see what I'm driving at.

 

He has made no attempts to find another job (unlike my wife) and periodically 'looks her up and down' even to this day.

And clearly shows HIS character. Do you really expect more from him?

Given his behavior, past and present, do you THINK he will up and apologize or "Feel bad"? Of course not. I hate to say it...but he got what he wanted and moved on. As a single guy (at the time) its his "prerogative" to uh...be promiscuous. No repercussions to be faced by HIM for YOUR M.

 

Again...spoken from his POV..not yours. I hope you see where I am trying to go...

 

I do NOT believe that he has even told his wife to be about the affair that he had with a woman he still works with, let alone the fact that he still eyes her up or that he sometimes makes life difficult for my wife by playing games at work. Whenever he has seen me he has had a stupid smug grin on his face.

So what.

Not flippant...seriously...so what. Who cares what she does or doesn't know. So what the a-hole eyes your W. So what he plays games at work.

Maybe this helps...I'm sure your W draws a man's attention. Maybe just in the grocery store or wherever...she gets eyed. Does THAT bother you? Of course not. Given her title, I'm guessing she has dealt with jerks in the office before...again, no different.

 

What IS different is WHO. That's the issue here...not the incidents themselves. So...my question for you BOTH is:

 

Why cede to him this power and control?

He can only bother if you LET him...what can you do to release this grip he has on your M?

 

And, I'll briefly touch that last sentence. Here's his character on display...expect nothing better that what he has shown.

 

Now to my dilema. Whilst I have the ability to 'forgive' that would make even a buddhist look like a violent thug (only joking Tara ) I question wether it is in either the OM or his future wifes (or my own and my wifes) best interests to do nothing. To date the OM has suffered NO consequence for his actions, (indeed IMO is either a partial sociopath or just an incredibly arrogant and smug bas*rd) and I do not believe that his future wife has any idea at all that he had an affair with my wife or that he STILL eyes her up to this day.

No dilemma. You want revenge. You want to hurt the guy. I get it.

But don't. LET. IT. GO.

 

Why do YOU care he has not suffered? HE DOESN'T matter. Stop giving him this power. This ends when YOU decide it does.

 

Choose now.

 

Maybe doing the wrong thing will be the right thing ?

Never.

 

You haven't made peace with this my friend. Nowhere NEAR close.

Back to IC with you. Maybe MC if you think your W can help you...

 

What would you do ?

NOTHING. Not a damn thing.

I would accept the invite and let it known to ALL that for whatever reason (like previously scheduled romantic getaway) you CANNOT attend and wish them well.

 

Look...I've been where you are. My xWW was banging her boss. I KNOW how you feel. And now, not even two years out...I have NO hard feelings for them at all (they were dating...but dunno now). I only want them to be happy.

 

Get there. Its a WONDERFUL place to be.

[wuggle]

No dilemma. You want revenge. You want to hurt the guy. I get it.But don't. LET. IT. GO.

 

Good post. I THINK that I worked through the revenge issues about a year ago, however as what you say seems like common sense, I will sleep on this. At the moment, conscienciously (I know the spelling is cr*p), my motives for wanting to see him accept some consequences are NOT revenge, I do accept that this could just be my brain making excuses for itself.

[whichwayisup]

As if I would spend any money on a wedding present

 

Send a package of dog poops!

 

Here's the revenge. When you finally leave that job (hopefully soon) get your H to come pick you up on your last day....... You can fill in the blank..

[whichwayisup]

Bottomline, the exOM is scum and a piece of crap. Ofcourse you want to go to the wedding, make him squirm..Even if you don't say anything to him, just your presence with your wife WILL make his ass sweat in fear of "what you might do/say..." during their vows.. Might be worth (Possibly?) going to the ceremony (is it at a Church) and NOT go to the wedding reception. That is, if you still feel like showing up. Or maybe just thinking about the what's ifs are good enough.. Putting it into action and going might come back and haunt you two one day. Plus, do you need the drama and gossip?

[bittersweet memories]

No, ideas that I have considered before are sending a letter to the wife to be BEFORE the wedding, so that she definitely knows, as I really believe she doesn't at the moment.

 

IF (as I flippantly said we should) we went to the wedding I am more likely just to attend to make HIM have bowel problems as hinted at by Tara earlier.

 

 

 

Yes, I think it MIGHT be my place. If not me who ? maybe I am shirking my responsibilities if i DONT make him suffer some consequences ??

 

 

 

Generally agreed, work & personal lifes should be kept seperate but I'm not sure that applies now.

 

Wow..talk about low class, with all due respect.

 

He wasn't married to anybody at the time of the affair, correct? So why do you want to let the "wife to be" know? Thats the past..Im assuming she wasn't in the picture at the time of the affair. He has obviously moved on. You should too.

Edited January 21, 2010 by bittersweet memories

[wuggle]

Wow..talk about low class, with all due respect.

 

You have no idea !!!:):)

 

That anger should be addressed to your wife..she's the one who married YOU and then betrayed YOU for 3 years.

 

I know, silly b*tch she should have known better than marry ME :lmao:

[fooled once]

Anne,

 

I only read your original post so forgive me if I am being redundant...

 

but first of all, I admire you so much. I admire the strength and determination you and your H have worked together and for to make your marriage stronger, healthier and happier than ever before.

 

My thoughts....

 

GO to the reception for the free food and booze....then book a hotel room for your and H and enjoy each other after enjoying the free food and booze

[SimplyBeingLoved]

So, some perspective from a husband's point of view. Firstly I must point out to some posters who have made sweeping assumptions (perfectly normal and forgivable) my wife and I are recovering well, we both love each other, I AM happy that she is looking for another job (which IS difficult at the moment) and that she IS doing NC as far as possible whilst still having to work with the OM.

 

When my wife told me about the invite to the wedding and the request not to attend, it was me who (rather flippantly) said that we should go.

 

For my part, personal responsibility is very important. When someone does wrong they should own the mistake and try to correct it or limit the damage that has been caused. The OM has NOT, IMO admitted a mistake of any kind. He has made no attempts to find another job (unlike my wife) and periodically 'looks her up and down' even to this day. I do NOT believe that he has even told his wife to be about the affair that he had with a woman he still works with, let alone the fact that he still eyes her up or that he sometimes makes life difficult for my wife by playing games at work. Whenever he has seen me he has had a stupid smug grin on his face.

 

Now to my dilema. Whilst I have the ability to 'forgive' that would make even a buddhist look like a violent thug (only joking Tara ) I question wether it is in either the OM or his future wifes (or my own and my wifes) best interests to do nothing. To date the OM has suffered NO consequence for his actions, (indeed IMO is either a partial sociopath or just an incredibly arrogant and smug bas*rd) and I do not believe that his future wife has any idea at all that he had an affair with my wife or that he STILL eyes her up to this day.

 

So is it really best under these circumstances to NOT force him to accept some consequences and to let her know that the person she is planning to marry is a complete and utter sh*t ?? (like his previous 2 wives have !)

 

Maybe doing the wrong thing will be the right thing ?

 

What would you do ?

 

I don't see why whether the OM suffers consequences or has admitted any personal responsibility is your business anymore. Yes this was a huge impact on your marriage... but it's over. It isn't your responsibility to make the OM admit his responsibility. He very well may never ever do so, and that's his perogative.

 

To go to the wedding to try in some way to make him "own up" or mock him seems... like you still haven't moved past it. Understandable but a wedding isn't the time or place.

[fooled once]

Your ex-OM is QUITE CLEARLY telling you that, while you/your H may get an invitation under the "general invite for everybody at work" umbrella, you are most definitely NOT. WELCOME. He is laying it out for you in as diplomatic a manner as possible under the circumstances and you are not "hearing" what he is trying to tell you. You will get an invitation or be part of the general invitation so as to avoid the awkwardness of singling you out and not inviting you. But, you are being expected to politely decline to attend. He indicates that your attendance might spoil his wedding day.

 

Obviously. The new wife is "aware" of who you are and your role/prior role in ex-OM's life, and quite understandably, does not want you there. The ex-OM undoubtedly told his wife to be that he would clue you in to the situation and he has done so.

 

The future bride is not "perfectly happy" that you are still working with her future husband. She may have said that to save face or to be polite but she can't possibly be happy about it. You will always be perceived as her romantic rival, "ex" or not. You will always be perceived by her as a threat to her marriage.

 

Further, your H does NOT want to go to this wedding. However he wants to hear what YOU have to say about it. So yes this is a "test" of sorts for you.

 

Frankly, it boggles the mind that you would even be considering going, much less apparently enthusiastic about it. As soon as the ex-OM contacted you about this, all you needed to tell him was: "Hey, thanks for the heads up, but why would you think I would want to attend your wedding? We're over, remember? If we have to talk about business we keep it strictly business. I have no interest whatsoever in attending your social function although I certainly wish you and your brid well in the future and in your new marriage."

 

It actually sounds like you are still "mentally" or "emotionally" involved in some manner with your ex-OM. You are curious about his new bride, want to participate in "her" special day, knowing that it might cause "comment" etc. among those who are "in the know." And if it was a work affair, and the guests are all from work, that would most likely be close to 100% of all the guests, right?

 

None of this "mental" or "emotional" involvement is any good for your marriage. Your ex-OM should basically be a stranger to you other than mandatory contact which is directly work-related (and thus can't be avoided).

 

 

You don't have to say ANYTHING to colleagues about why you aren't attending. "We had other plans" (whether you did or not) is more than sufficient. However, if you "don't want to lie" then tell your colleagues the truth: "I cheated with this man for 3 years and therefore while I wish him the best I believe it would be highly inappropriate and a gross breach of etiquette for me to attend as a guest at his wedding and possibly be the subject of whispering amongst the guests and possible resentment by the bride. This is her special day and I want to do nothing which might detract from the luster of it."

Again you don't have to tell anyone anything. However if you want to tell them you are not invited and you are concerned about not lying to them, then tell them the truth: You had a torrid affair with this man and therefore it would be grossly inappropriate to attend his wedding--whether or not you were invited to it.

You are still way too invested emotionally in the supposedly "ex" OM. What do YOU get by doing something for the purpose of "stressing out" your "ex" OM? This sounds like something a jealous/jilted girlfriend would do in response to the boyfriend marrying someone else.

 

Again if you expect to be going for the purpose of stressing out your ex OM that is completely inappropriate and demonstrates you still have not left your affair behind you. Why would it give you satisfaction to stress out this man on his wedding day? You don't want to let him forget you, do you? The ex OM doesn't want you to attend because he is afraid you'll "spoil" the day and apparently you are admitting that your presence might indeed spoil things for him by causing unnecessary stress. This is kind of psychologically unhealthy on your part IMHO. You should be wanting only the best for your ex-OM not to cause him stress on his wedding day.

 

Move on, honey. It's time for you to move on.

 

 

 

O.K. now it actually sounds like you think your H might do something or say something inappropriate at the wedding, if this is even a remote possibility, of course you AND your H must NOT go. Do you like the idea even in fantasy of perhaps your H and the ex OM getting into an argument or a fist fight over you at the OM's wedding in front of his bride? What's going on inside of you?

 

 

 

No I don't think you should book a quiet weekend as a reaction to the OM's wedding unless you would have done it anyway. Do whatever you would normally do on a typical weekend and get the so called "ex" OM out of your head for Pete's sake. If you think you can.

 

I could NOT disagree more.

 

GO and enjoy watching him squirm and her be nervous.

 

Yes, you participated in the affair but so did he. I am willing to bet he didn't tell his new wifey everything

[fooled once]

So, some perspective from a husband's point of view. Firstly I must point out to some posters who have made sweeping assumptions (perfectly normal and forgivable) my wife and I are recovering well, we both love each other, I AM happy that she is looking for another job (which IS difficult at the moment) and that she IS doing NC as far as possible whilst still having to work with the OM.

 

When my wife told me about the invite to the wedding and the request not to attend, it was me who (rather flippantly) said that we should go.

 

For my part, personal responsibility is very important. When someone does wrong they should own the mistake and try to correct it or limit the damage that has been caused. The OM has NOT, IMO admitted a mistake of any kind. He has made no attempts to find another job (unlike my wife) and periodically 'looks her up and down' even to this day. I do NOT believe that he has even told his wife to be about the affair that he had with a woman he still works with, let alone the fact that he still eyes her up or that he sometimes makes life difficult for my wife by playing games at work. Whenever he has seen me he has had a stupid smug grin on his face.

 

Now to my dilema. Whilst I have the ability to 'forgive' that would make even a buddhist look like a violent thug (only joking Tara ) I question wether it is in either the OM or his future wifes (or my own and my wifes) best interests to do nothing. To date the OM has suffered NO consequence for his actions, (indeed IMO is either a partial sociopath or just an incredibly arrogant and smug bas*rd) and I do not believe that his future wife has any idea at all that he had an affair with my wife or that he STILL eyes her up to this day.

 

So is it really best under these circumstances to NOT force him to accept some consequences and to let her know that the person she is planning to marry is a complete and utter sh*t ?? (like his previous 2 wives have !)

 

Maybe doing the wrong thing will be the right thing ?

 

What would you do ?

 

I had no idea you were Anne's H !!

 

I agree with you -- I think those that do wrong need to OWN it and if they can't OWN it, then it is up to us, the other people in the world, to help them see the error of their ways!!

 

And I can I tell you -- I just love your wife's posts! She is an amazing woman and you must be an amazing guy and I wish you BOTH the best and from what I see in her posts, she will never give you a reason do every doubt her in the future. She loves you very much and she seems to be an amazing woman! I really admire her -- most importantly because she calls a spade a spade and when she screws up, she owns it and doesn't place blame on others.

 

That's all I wanted to say

[fooled once]

Finally read the whole thread and boy oh boy, you can sure see who the OW are on this thread :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[bittersweet memories]

Finally read the whole thread and boy oh boy, you can sure see who the OW are on this thread :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

Yes..the one who started the thread.. Let's be fair.

[Stung]

So, some perspective from a husband's point of view. Firstly I must point out to some posters who have made sweeping assumptions (perfectly normal and forgivable) my wife and I are recovering well, we both love each other, I AM happy that she is looking for another job (which IS difficult at the moment) and that she IS doing NC as far as possible whilst still having to work with the OM.

 

When my wife told me about the invite to the wedding and the request not to attend, it was me who (rather flippantly) said that we should go.

 

For my part, personal responsibility is very important. When someone does wrong they should own the mistake and try to correct it or limit the damage that has been caused. The OM has NOT, IMO admitted a mistake of any kind. He has made no attempts to find another job (unlike my wife) and periodically 'looks her up and down' even to this day. I do NOT believe that he has even told his wife to be about the affair that he had with a woman he still works with, let alone the fact that he still eyes her up or that he sometimes makes life difficult for my wife by playing games at work. Whenever he has seen me he has had a stupid smug grin on his face.

 

Now to my dilema. Whilst I have the ability to 'forgive' that would make even a buddhist look like a violent thug (only joking Tara ) I question wether it is in either the OM or his future wifes (or my own and my wifes) best interests to do nothing. To date the OM has suffered NO consequence for his actions, (indeed IMO is either a partial sociopath or just an incredibly arrogant and smug bas*rd) and I do not believe that his future wife has any idea at all that he had an affair with my wife or that he STILL eyes her up to this day.

 

So is it really best under these circumstances to NOT force him to accept some consequences and to let her know that the person she is planning to marry is a complete and utter sh*t ?? (like his previous 2 wives have !)

 

Maybe doing the wrong thing will be the right thing ?

 

What would you do ?

 

As a newlywed whose husband has a troublesome ex, this whole thread has made me shudder. I understand your position, wuggle, I do. You want this man who wronged you and makes your life and your wife uncomfortable to pay. Frankly I have no problem with that, you deserve whatever makes you feel better, you are the wronged party. Maybe you are even truly altruistic about the fiancee and think you are going to be cluing her in on something key, IDK. But if cluing her in is her goal, do not do it AT her wedding.

 

Whether she knows anything or not is debatable...it's certainly a fair interpretation to assume that she is behind the exOM's suggestion that you two NOT attend the wedding, and that therefore she is aware of the truth and unhappy about it. However, if she is in the dark and you want to bring her to the light, please look into some kinder method than showing up at her wedding and causing a scene, ambushing and humiliating her in public on a day she has been anticipating for months. She deserves the truth before making a lifelong commitment, but also: she is an innocent party in this and presumably as emotionally invested in her husband-to-be and her wedding day as most brides.

[OWoman]

Finally read the whole thread and boy oh boy, you can sure see who the OW are on this thread :

 

Yep - the ones with too much class to consider something like making a scene at someone else's wedding or attending a funeral simply to p*ss on the grave.