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So what would you do.....

anne1707

By anne1707
in Infidelity

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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

First some background information - I had a 3 year affair with a work colleague which ended 18 months ago. My H and I are still together and doing well in our recovery.

 

The ex-OM has just told me that he and the woman he started seeing after the affair ended are getting married in a few months time. He will be sending a general invite to the wedding for everybody at work but he thinks its best if I don't go. He hasn't said I am not invited but he thinks it would not be a good idea and he does not want anything spoiling his wedding day. I am assuming partners will be invited and my H is fully aware of the situation - and wants to go!. The future bride is also allegedly aware of me and is "perfectly happy" about the ex-OM and I working together (unlike my H and I - I am looking for another job).

 

 

So what would you do:

  1. Just not go and just say to colleagues that I can't make it, etc - probably the most civilised thing to do but why should I lie to protect the ex-OM
  2. Not go and tell people that I am not invited!
  3. Accept the invitation when it comes out, let the ex-OM stress about it in the build up to the wedding but just not turn up on the day
  4. Accept and go but be perfectly pleasant and polite - whilst ex-OM stresses himself
  5. Accept and go - and my H then makes it known to either bride or groom that he has "strong views" about the ex-OM

I know that my H feels as if the ex-OM got through the affair unscathed whilst we went through hell together and that my H obviously harbours some resentment for the ex-OM (fair enough).

 

I am actually tempted to book a romantic weekend away for my H and I - but my H may feel differently so I am wondering what others may do/recommend in this situation.

silktricks Established Member

silktricks

Posted
Posted

I'd choose to not go, and not explain myself tto anyone, and also book something cool to do with my husband.

  • Like 1
imagine Established Member

imagine

Posted
Posted
I am assuming partners will be invited and my H is fully aware of the situation - and wants to go!. .

 

Did he express what exactly he wants to do at the wedding

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

Posted
Posted

I would book a trip with your husband. Do you realize how lucky you are? I don't think many men would wish to stay with a wife who had a 3 year affair. I am just curious but if the roles had been reversed would you have wished to stay with your husband knowing he was sleeping with his lover for 3 years?

  • Like 1
reboot Established Member

reboot

Posted
Posted

An ex-affair partner attending his wedding seems tacky to me.

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted

Attending would be in poor taste

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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Don't go. Not only out of respect for this guy's future wife, but for your husbands sake.

 

Go away with your H and forget about exOM and his fiance.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted (edited)

Do YOU want to go?

 

in my ever-so-humble opinion, I really think "discretion is the better part of valour" here.

If you both go, examine your motivations for wanting to attend.

If it is in any way to make a point about something, rthen the motivation isn't sound.

If you genuinely want bygones to be bygones, and sincerely and truly wish them wll in their marriage, then that's another matter.

But it doesn't quite sound as if your H is on that page yet.

And that's not a criticism. That's just an observation based on what you've written here.

It would be tempting to say that if the ex-OM is feeling 'antsy' about it, then it's his problem, and his hang-up...but really, I think it's slightly more complex than that.

I think you need to maybe tell discuss with your H that really, if things are to make progress, as much as you understand his feelings that the OM has come though things unscathed, this is not the time to consider how that imbalance might be redressed.

Besides, the simple fact that the OM feels discomfort at the possibility of your attending, is proof enough that he finds things difficult to face up to.

Maybe go ahead with your plans to have a wonderful weekend away with your H.

Just don't tell the OM what you're going to be doing....let him keep thinking you're intent on going.

That might loosen his bowels a bit..... :p:D

Edited by TaraMaiden
1Angel Established Member

1Angel

Posted
Posted

Your husband is showing much compassion in his forgiveness and willingness to work on the marriage. Why put him through any more by attending this wedding with him? Put the effort into your marriage instead of om's wedding and reception.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted

Wow Anne...tough one.

 

I think your husband has some unresolved issues with the xOM, and I can totally relate to him.

 

But a wedding is not the day to do so!

 

Decline at the last minute and book the trip!

 

Better yet, have your husband call him, expressing how you as a couple remain unsure what to do, and why. Maybe your husband can find some closure talking with him. Maybe not. And then call back to decline.

 

And then go have some fun.

PhoenixRise Established Member

PhoenixRise

Posted
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Skip the wedding.

 

Absolutely do something romantic and fun with your H.

A much better use of your time.

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
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If I was in your shoes, I definitely wouldn't go.

 

I could be wrong but from your OP it seems like you want to attend. Why? Is it to make everything look normal in front of your work colleagues? Because you H wants to go? You don't have to answer these questions here but please examine your reasons for even considering attending this wedding. Why would you even want to? I thought I remember reading that you didn't even like seeing the xOM at work.

 

I would find something better to do with your husband that day and forget about the wedding altogether.

Church Bells Established Member

Church Bells

Posted
Posted

anne,

 

Speaking as a BH, I don't think you get a vote. This is your BH's call ... if he wants to go ... you go with him and SUPPORT HIM FULLY.

 

If he wants to stand up in the middle of the ceremony and humiliate the OM in front of all his family and friends ... he's EARNED that right.

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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I am not keen on going. It would be uncomfortable and to be fair to the bride, the fact that she is marrying an **** is her problem, she is welcome to him. She can find all this out without any help from me.

 

It is my H who has expressed the desire to go and understandably he does not like the ex-OM (if ever there was an understatement). My H and I have been texting each other about this thread so he is aware of the discussion and I kind of hope it will help him decide not to go.

 

It will probably look odd that I don't go which is why going away will help as there will be a reason for not going plus I would just rather spend the time with my H then spend my weekend in the presence of the ex-OM - its bad enough seeing him at work.

 

Though I do like Tara's idea of causing the ex-OM some bowel problems :lmao:

  • Like 1
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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
  • Author
Posted
anne,

 

Speaking as a BH, I don't think you get a vote. This is your BH's call ... if he wants to go ... you go with him and SUPPORT HIM FULLY.

 

If he wants to stand up in the middle of the ceremony and humiliate the OM in front of all his family and friends ... he's EARNED that right.

 

 

See this is part of my problem where I feel my H has a greater say in this than I do.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

And I happen to think you're wrong.

 

You had an affair.

Ok.

But you AND your husband are working on a day-to-day basis on making your relationship better than ever, and are doing a stirling job.

BUT:

It has to be done on equal terms, because - as you well know, I have said many a time - whilst the blame for the affair, may lie with you - the responsibility for the upkeep, maintenance, continuation and improvement of the relationship lies with you both.

You showed guilt, regret, remorse.

He forgave you.

So now, to consider that he has 'more say than you do' is tipping the balance again, and sounding as if you still owe him.

Well, if he's forgiven you - why would you still 'owe' him?

You don't.

You agreed to make efforts to renew your commitment. your marriage picked up again - on a clean slate - when you both realised it was worth too much to throw away, and you both agreed to start again, and re-build.

You're on the same page with this, so really, to say he has more say than you do, puts you a paragraph behind.

And that's not fair.

It has to stop somewhere.....

Church Bells Established Member

Church Bells

Posted
Posted
See this is part of my problem where I feel my H has a greater say in this than I do.

 

In all seriousness ... HE DOES.

 

In effect, you made a unilateral decision to engage in a 3 year A that turned his whole world upside down. I can tell you from personal experience that what he experienced is CRUSHING to the male ego and self-confidence. If your BH feels some sort of "need" to reclaim some measure of his self-respect by confronting the OM in the most humiliating way possible ... just like he was HUMILIATED by your and OM's A ... then he has EARNED the right to make a unilateral decision on this issue, and if you are truly remorseful for your past actions, you will fully support his decision and stand by him faithfully.

 

I understand that not everyone will agree with my thoughts, but I come from a family and an area where grudges are held forever, and personal revenge is the proper response to being personally wronged.

 

If your BH believes the same way as I ... allow him the satisfaction of what he NEEDS to move forward with his head held high. I know it will be uncomfortable for you, but think of it as a form of "just compensation" for the comfort you took from your BH.

Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted
See this is part of my problem where I feel my H has a greater say in this than I do.

 

Yes, your husband does definitely have a say and I'm glad you are giving your H the choice and knowledge about attending. Speaks very well of you, anne :).

 

However, IMO your H also doesn't have a right to disrupt someone else's wedding (not saying that he was actually intending to do this). Life has gone on...for you, your husband and the xOM. Leave the A and the xOM in the past where it belongs and do something together--you and your H that day.

Church Bells Established Member

Church Bells

Posted
Posted
So now, to consider that he has 'more say than you do' is tipping the balance again, and sounding as if you still owe him.

Well, if he's forgiven you - why would you still 'owe' him?

You don't.

You agreed to make efforts to renew your commitment. your marriage picked up again - on a clean slate - when you both realised it was worth too much to throw away, and you both agreed to start again, and re-build.

 

I'm going to disagree for two reasons.

 

1. This was a 3 year betrayal and just saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough, but more importantly.

 

2. Anne's BH is STILL suffering BECAUSE she has continued to maintain contact. While she says she's looking for another job ... it hasn't happened in 18 MONTHS. Actions vs. Words.

 

Indeed, Anne OWES her BH a lot. She's got 3 years + an additional 18 months to make up for, and if she's still trying to infuence her BH's decisions on the subject, they are far from having a "clean slate".

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Meh.... I believe he no longer has that right....

 

I don't know whether he and you decided to rebuild your marriage, and he imposed conditions on you...I'm sure there were some agreements to be made, but that probably this kind of thing wasn't one of them.....

There comes a time when you have to let go of things like this, because holding on to these kinds of sentiments can eventually prove detrimental....

up to you guys really... and whatever your decision, jointly, I'm sure it will be best for you two, and constructive as well....

 

be well. :love:

OWoman Established Member

OWoman

Posted
Posted

Personally, I wouldn't attend any wedding if it wasn't to wish both the bride and the groom well. That clearly isn't the case in this instance, so why go? To me, that would be like attending a funeral simply to p*ss on the grave.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
See this is part of my problem where I feel my H has a greater say in this than I do.

 

Why do you feel this is a problem? Reverse the situation, say it was your H who cheated and the exOW was getting married. Wouldn't you want to have 'final say'? I really hope you're not pondering this, going to the wedding.

 

You owe exOM nothing. Infact, not even an explanation is necessary, he should just "KNOW" why you and your H aren't going to go to the wedding.

Confused4Now Established Member

Confused4Now

Posted
Posted
In all seriousness ... HE DOES.

 

In effect, you made a unilateral decision to engage in a 3 year A that turned his whole world upside down. I can tell you from personal experience that what he experienced is CRUSHING to the male ego and self-confidence. If your BH feels some sort of "need" to reclaim some measure of his self-respect by confronting the OM in the most humiliating way possible ... just like he was HUMILIATED by your and OM's A ... then he has EARNED the right to make a unilateral decision on this issue, and if you are truly remorseful for your past actions, you will fully support his decision and stand by him faithfully.

 

I understand that not everyone will agree with my thoughts, but I come from a family and an area where grudges are held forever, and personal revenge is the proper response to being personally wronged.

 

If your BH believes the same way as I ... allow him the satisfaction of what he NEEDS to move forward with his head held high. I know it will be uncomfortable for you, but think of it as a form of "just compensation" for the comfort you took from your BH.

I'm so in agreement with this!!! 18 months since the affair was over...puhlease. I wouldn't put it pass the H just to see you wouldn't want to go just as a test and maybe the H still has issues but I would like to see if my wife still had feelings for the OM. Maybe at the last minute he decides he doesn't want to go....cause she didn't react a certain way so maybe he got his answer.

Spoiled Established Member

Spoiled

Posted
Posted

Schedule the trip with your H during the weekend of the wedding. Even if you have nothing to do, do not attend the wedding.

 

My xMM and I were close prior to our weddings. Outside of our lunch dates and conversations, there was one inappropriate incident between us. My H(then fiance) was unaware of that incident and was looking forward to attending their wedding. I did not feel my attendance was appropriate and did not go.

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

Posted
Posted

So what would you do:

  1. Just not go and just say to colleagues that I can't make it, etc - probably the most civilised thing to do but why should I lie to protect the ex-OM
  2. Not go and tell people that I am not invited!
  3. Accept the invitation when it comes out, let the ex-OM stress about it in the build up to the wedding but just not turn up on the day
  4. Accept and go but be perfectly pleasant and polite - whilst ex-OM stresses himself
  5. Accept and go - and my H then makes it known to either bride or groom that he has "strong views" about the ex-OM

1) You're NOT lying to protect him.

MY guess is your OM HAS to issue you an invite and really WANTS you to NOT appear. Because if he DOESN'T invite you...people will wonder. He's asking you nicely to NOT appear.

 

So be nice and SKIP the wedding.

 

2) This isn't junior high.

 

3) Enough games. Just accept the invitation and not be there. Let him know upfront so THEY (you know, his innocent fiancee and HER big day) don't sweat it.

 

4) Oh for Pete's sake. DON'T go. Why in the hell would you WANT to go?

 

5) And I guess we will be seeing your H on the new Fox Reality Special "When good weddings go bad".

 

Graciously accept the invite and let it be known you cannot make it.

 

Stop there.

 

Nothing else matters.

 

No need to act like children or further debase yourself.

 

My .02

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