PWSX3 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 It doesn't matter how long you have been with someone you will always miss them & there is a chance she just misses you & the family, especially if she hasn't been doing any self help.... I would like to suggest that you ask her to go to counseling together, do some of the work that needs done while you are still separated. You CAN NOT go back to what you had, you have to rebuild a new relationship which means you will need outside help in my opinion. She needs to figure out what it is that made her leave in the first place and most of the time it's not because she doesn't love you anymore. By they way, all most all of the stories I have heard when someone gets into another relationship soon after a separation/divorce they say; oh this is the one, we just connected & are perfect for each other, etc. etc. Part of the reason is you are willing to talk to the other person & most of the time you didn't do that in your marriage. You share your feelings & hurts which you might not have done in your marriage. You are more open with that other person & they are paying attention to you so you are enjoying that someone cares for you, gives you the attention. Take those out of the equation & see what you have.
lkjh Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 stop being so damn passive, either leave the ex or dont. She cheated on you and you are still treating this as if the two of you are just in some conflict
Author jackbaron Posted January 24, 2010 Author Posted January 24, 2010 Wow it is so interesting to hear all the differing perspectivess on this, and really brings home that every situation is different. I remember being told that she was gone, get ready for the rest of your life without her, move on, start dating, etc etc, and now some are happy to remind me I'm still married, I never should have started seeing someone else etc. Different societies and different personalities obviously consider divorce differently-some focussing on the lagalities, others on just knowing your marriage is over, without really needing a piece of paper to say so. The new lady was divorced for 7 years before the legalities went through (or were even started).
Steadfast Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Ir isn't a legal issue, it's an emotional one. How long were you (happily) married? And you're still struggling with feelings for her. These are all natural, normal things...including the need for some loving attention. But you must separate and deal with the normal heartache from the demise of your marriage before starting something new. It isn't fair to you or the new person in your life. When it's a rebound, one day you'll wake up, think of the new person and say to yourself; 'I can't do this.' Your heart is torn and you have more problems than ever. The advice is for you. It's for your own good.
mem11363 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Your wife blatantly began forming an EA/emotional affair/emotional attachment with another man WHILE you two were married. She then moved out. She showed NO real concern for how much this hurt you. She has never said sorry/begged forgiveness. And now that her new life is not panning out so well she wants to come back home AND break up your new relationship. If your wife flakes out again YOU may not find someone else that is really great again. Why does she deserve a second chance? I can forgive almost anything but the person has to ask for forgiveness and show remorse AND do some pennance. Real world pennance - like give you a back massage every night for a month - sex is up to you each night. Heres my story thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=209052 I have continued to see the new lady in my life and things are progressing so well and I am falling for her. Have continued to see the ex everyday (still on school holidays and we are both teachers) and spent a nice day with her and the kids today. After we got home i disappeared to call my friend (the ex knows all about her) and after a while the wife comes up angry that I have ruined the great day together. We had an extended conversation. After seeing signs from her that she would like to reconnect, now that I am ready to move on, I have been a little cautious as to not send her the wrong signals. She picked up on that today and thought I was a little cold towards her (She treated me like $hit for 6 months). Among other stuff, I asked her the big question - "Do you want to try again?" She said she does. I told her I couldnt, I have been too hurt. I still love her so much though, and now I am feeling the guilt, especially as there are 4 girls to think of too. Just when I thought I was getting it together, this happens. They only want you when your prepared to go and move on with your life. I know my new relationship is new and exciting, and its easy to think the grass is greener. I think I could be happy with my wife, I think we could work it out, but I dont know that I can recover fully what I felt for her because of what I have been through. It really was hell. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh :confused:
Author jackbaron Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 An Update. I have made the decision to not take my wife back. I have already forgiven her for what she put me through (despite her now downplaying everything that went on) and have decided to continue moving on with my life. I made this decision as independent of the new lady in my life as I could. I am really worried for my wife though. She is in a terrible state right now, and her inability to try and do things to help herself, accept the help and advice of others, and put the correct priorities into her life are a big part of the reason I am not prepared to try again. She is devastated not living at home with the kids, and I know I am foolish for doing this but am thinking of letting her move back in, and I will move next door. I will still get to see the kids each day and be with them (within reason) except at bed time, but think this may make the situation better for my wife. I hate seeing her so upset - it is heartbreaking but I know to try now with her wouldnt work when she is unwilling to get help. I know I am showing a lot more compassion for her now then she ever did when she was treating me like $hit.
Woggle Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 You should worry about her as much as she worried about you.
PWSX3 Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 I believe we need to be the better person & do the right thing but I have a feeling this one might just back fire on you. I feel she has been a player & is just playing you again, I hope I'm wrong.
2.50 a gallon Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Don't you have custody of the children? Not sure, about the local laws, but in many places, should you move out, she can claim abandonment, and put that custody in jeapardy. Also, she put herself where she is, she has to hit rock bottom to start the climb back up, by letting her move in you will be enabling her to not face her own demons
woe_is_me Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 An Update. She is devastated not living at home with the kids, and I know I am foolish for doing this but am thinking of letting her move back in, and I will move next door. I will still get to see the kids each day and be with them (within reason) except at bed time, but think this may make the situation better for my wife. I hate seeing her so upset whoa dude.. you really do need to start putting YOURself first... how will your new woman appreciate her living next door to you? my guess is .. not a great deal.. she won't find a better man than you .. i hope you make the right choice for yourself what a heart wrenching thread
woe_is_me Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 what happens when she (stbxw) wants the divorce asap? and you sell the home you once lived in .. you buy her out and buy yourself another home and the children CHOOSE to go with you (because you're the stable parent). Then xW decides 3 years later that the grass isn't greener and she's not 'managing' the rent and bills by herself etc... and dumping guilt on the children that SHE moved out on ??? what an awful predicament to be in..
phineas Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 An Update. I have made the decision to not take my wife back. I have already forgiven her for what she put me through (despite her now downplaying everything that went on) and have decided to continue moving on with my life. I made this decision as independent of the new lady in my life as I could. I am really worried for my wife though. She is in a terrible state right now, and her inability to try and do things to help herself, accept the help and advice of others, and put the correct priorities into her life are a big part of the reason I am not prepared to try again. She is devastated not living at home with the kids, and I know I am foolish for doing this but am thinking of letting her move back in, and I will move next door. I will still get to see the kids each day and be with them (within reason) except at bed time, but think this may make the situation better for my wife. I hate seeing her so upset - it is heartbreaking but I know to try now with her wouldnt work when she is unwilling to get help. I know I am showing a lot more compassion for her now then she ever did when she was treating me like $hit. Don't do that. She is down-playing the whole affair thing right? Which means she hasn't learned a damn thing. If she can't take care of herself, how the hell can she take care of the kids? you move out of that house & you can kiss it goodbye.
ann09 Posted February 12, 2010 Posted February 12, 2010 Tell her no. Women like her can't stand it when their man moves on with their life. Part of the fun of being a walkaway wife is leaving a heartbroken man behnd while they go and live a fabolous single life and you threw a wrenh in that outcome. If you take her back she will do the same thing again. Women like her, yes. But not all women. I don't get enjoyment of leaving my heartbroken husband - and never will. If he finds love again, I will be ecstatic for him and truly would love to see him with someone he deserves. I agree that it sounds like this woman is jealous and can't handle it. But not all women that end their marriage are like this.
Author jackbaron Posted February 14, 2010 Author Posted February 14, 2010 (edited) Message deleted Edited February 14, 2010 by jackbaron
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