jackbaron Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Heres my story thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=209052 I have continued to see the new lady in my life and things are progressing so well and I am falling for her. Have continued to see the ex everyday (still on school holidays and we are both teachers) and spent a nice day with her and the kids today. After we got home i disappeared to call my friend (the ex knows all about her) and after a while the wife comes up angry that I have ruined the great day together. We had an extended conversation. After seeing signs from her that she would like to reconnect, now that I am ready to move on, I have been a little cautious as to not send her the wrong signals. She picked up on that today and thought I was a little cold towards her (She treated me like $hit for 6 months). Among other stuff, I asked her the big question - "Do you want to try again?" She said she does. I told her I couldnt, I have been too hurt. I still love her so much though, and now I am feeling the guilt, especially as there are 4 girls to think of too. Just when I thought I was getting it together, this happens. They only want you when your prepared to go and move on with your life. I know my new relationship is new and exciting, and its easy to think the grass is greener. I think I could be happy with my wife, I think we could work it out, but I dont know that I can recover fully what I felt for her because of what I have been through. It really was hell. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh :confused:
PWSX3 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Has she shown any signs of "her" changing? Me & my former W separated for 7 months, then we tried working things out but now looking back I know she finally started to miss me, but I really believe the biggest reason she wanted back was because she was in debt & was hoping getting back together would make it all better. My former W moved out over a year & a half ago, she filed over a year ago. I've since then started to date a wonderful person & yes at first the newness is so much fun, it's exciting & nice to know you still have it, but just like any relationship it will wear off & reality sets in. I can't tell you what to do, but in my case starting over with someone else is very hard once the newness wears off. You have to learn everything over. With you ex at least you do have a base to start from, but it needs to be rebuilt from the ground up which will take lots of time. You ask; am I happy with the new G/F? Yes I am, do I think about the former W? yes I do. I look at it this way, no matter which way you decide to go, it will take lots of hard work, dedication from both sides & is your wife willing to put in the work it will take???? You DO NOT want what you had before in your marriage, so you can't look at it as getting back together, you need to look at it as a new beginning with her even if go that route. My counselor suggested that I write down a list of things I would like in a partner and then look at that list & see how your wife or the other person does. In my case my G/F fills almost all of them, my former W still doesn't fall into the list.
scorpmale009 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 boss, whether it works with your new GF or not doesn't matter..., be single but not with your wife.... ...she is only doing it to ruin your new relationship...if she meets oOM in the meanwhile...you could do nothing about it(apart from coming to this forum again and again)...start the D
Woggle Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Tell her no. Women like her can't stand it when their man moves on with their life. Part of the fun of being a walkaway wife is leaving a heartbroken man behnd while they go and live a fabolous single life and you threw a wrenh in that outcome. If you take her back she will do the same thing again.
lkjh Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 You have nothing to feel guilty about, at the very least your wife engaged in a EA that caused you two to separate and now you are moving on with your life. Even if you two were to get back together she would have to come clean about everything especially the OM. That guy didn't break up with his gf to be with your wife unless he had reason to believe they would end up together. You are living your life which is fine considering the hurt your wife put you through
imagine Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I asked her the big question - "Do you want to try again?" She said she does. What exactly does she want you to try? Must you wait for her until she gets better. Must you wait until OM visits her again? Does she want you to continue to be a baby sitter until she decides to adapt to the old life or new life? You guys made a promise when you got married. She broke it. How can you trust that it will be any different in future. Bottom line: How can she prevent you becoming a doormat?
hopesndreams Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Spend all your time and energy on the new girlfriend. The woman that hasn't cheated on you. It's all just an unhealthy mix with all of you hanging out with each other. You'll probably end up with neither if this continues.
phineas Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Avoid the wife. There is no more "family" like there used to be. Mine pulled the same crap recently when she found out I had a few lady friends hanging around. nothing is going on. I would rather shovel out stables on a Sat night than go on a date right now. My STBXW just knows these women exist. She drove past the house quite a bit over the summer. And even though i've seen the bottle of lube she keeps on her dresser steadily empty she claims she is "just friends" with the man she left me for. I don't want her. Not after what she did to me. I'd rather be alone then deal with the lieing & cheating & overall constant bitching & moodswings I had with her the last 3 yrs (the same amount of time she was cheating on me) Plus, I can never be with someone who is so stupid to think i'm stupid enough to believe she isn't still with her OM. My take is OM doesn't pay enough attention to her anymore & I've realized she needs an unhealty amount of attention directed towards her. Stay away. seriously. As was said. Work on the Woman that hasn't cheated. Your kids will be fine.
tnttim Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 No matter what decision you make, you are going to question it. It's great you realize that your new relationship will take as much work as your first M did. I know in my case I thought of my girls. I thought how I would take a bullet for them without thinking about it. I also thought how girls almost always date/marry men that resemble their father. I recognized that my old M was dead and gone, and I had to start from scratch. I had a very hot, successful, and smart lady on the hook, but then my W started to come around. She showed remorse for the A, started changing her bad ways, and took on all her finances on her own. Now I had a very hard choice on my hand. I chose my W. We are all different though.
Kic Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I think you should explore the potential happiness with this new woman. Considering that your wife betrayed you, it is not asking much to have her wait a few more months or years for you to determine the best path. You may argue, as many have, that getting back with your wife will be better for the children. Well, they need to have a happy father, too. If the new woman ends up being best for your happiness, then your satisfaction will be apparent in your interactions with your daughters. If you discard the new woman before exploring her potential, then your resentment against your wife and regret of your own haste will likewise be apparent. It will be good for your wife to see what it is like to be alone. No other man, no you... to be in limbo as a single, divorced, mother of four. It won't be as romantic as she though it'd be, and if you find that it doesn't work out with the new woman, then this learning experience that your wife goes through will strengthen her appreciation of you and the marriage that she almost lost.
seibert253 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Heres my story thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=209052 I have continued to see the new lady in my life and things are progressing so well and I am falling for her. Have continued to see the ex everyday (still on school holidays and we are both teachers) and spent a nice day with her and the kids today. After we got home i disappeared to call my friend (the ex knows all about her) and after a while the wife comes up angry that I have ruined the great day together. We had an extended conversation. After seeing signs from her that she would like to reconnect, now that I am ready to move on, I have been a little cautious as to not send her the wrong signals. She picked up on that today and thought I was a little cold towards her (She treated me like $hit for 6 months). Among other stuff, I asked her the big question - "Do you want to try again?" She said she does. I told her I couldnt, I have been too hurt. I still love her so much though, and now I am feeling the guilt, especially as there are 4 girls to think of too. Just when I thought I was getting it together, this happens. They only want you when your prepared to go and move on with your life. I know my new relationship is new and exciting, and its easy to think the grass is greener. I think I could be happy with my wife, I think we could work it out, but I dont know that I can recover fully what I felt for her because of what I have been through. It really was hell. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh :confused: Move forward, not in reverse.
2.50 a gallon Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I had a similar experience, when the XW figured out that I had quickly found a new love interest, she was once again attracted to me. In away it was more painful than the break up. She only wants you back because in her mind you are still her property, yes there might still be some residual strings of love, but her actions have totally destroyed all that was in the vault. She has already proved that she can not be trusted. So why should you take a second chance with a proven cheater. I think she would only stay around until the new GF is driven off. The relationship with the new GF is still in the first couple of chapters, it is just begining to bud, while the blossoms in the old relationship are long gone, killed by her. Learn from the old relationship, what you did right and what you did wrong, and apply the lessons to the new relationship.
Brooke79 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Typical woman answer-- Think long and hard about your situation, search your heart and soul and-- Follow your heart! Most of the time we are creatures of emotion and base decisions off of those emotions sometimes that's a good thing and other times as you know its not. Typical man response will be centered and based solely on logic. You plus her has equaled hurt in the past, chances are that's how it will be in the future. It would not be a logical thing to put yourself in a position that you know would make you vulnerable and you know that with her you will be. Both answers could be right, but you have to make it. I think that you should give it time, please proceed with caution and do not hurt the new woman in all this. Take your time and figure it out, and just make sure you are honest with yourself so that you can be honest with everyone else.
scorpmale009 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 follow your brain,not the heart which will not deceive you in anyway..... think about these things... would you be able to trust your wife again let me bifurcate further lets say your wife said she is at a shopping mall,but some how she turned up at a movie(back then it wasn't unusual or wrong ),but now you get the paranoia you will start to analyze every minor thing you could think of.... think hard...would you want to live like that for the rest of your life....use your head(not any other part)
jesslindy Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 DO NOT FOLLOW YOUR HEART!! Use your head, not your heart. There is a reason your brain is in your head, not your heart. You have to take stock of everything that has happened to you, and ask yourself "Can I live with this cheating and breaking up again?". Because more times than not, it does happen again. It all boils down to what a cheater has inside of them. Like most things in the world, there are 2 ways to be. A cheater, and a non-cheater. A cheater is capable of lying in any way necessary to you. A cheater is very SELFISH. A cheater will think anyway they have to justify how empty they are inside. A cheater is always formulating an exit strategy. A cheater most times cannot be pacified by anything you do. Most cheaters are victim personalities, and they typically cannot be pleased with anything that there partner does for them. Ask yourself if you can live like that, the answer should be no. Get a divorce (Sorry if you already are couldn't tell from either of your threads) and find a dime piece that will do you right.
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Do not go back Jack and do it again. Explore the new GF relationship... Trust me - I am in the same situation and I KNOW!!!
Steadfast Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 When I met my girlfriend I was still, occasionally seeing my ex. But her distance; a certain, non committal attitude made a visible gap. Was she keeping her options open? Probably, but I didn't push it and did the same. When it became obvious to me that I was developing feelings for this new women, I buried any romantic hopes and dreams I had of my ex wife. Be warned however, that getting to the point of actually making this kind of decision was hard earned with plenty of alone time, introspection and work. I'm pretty sure that a year earlier, I could not have made that decision. If you're to the point where you neither care about who she's seeing or her possible reaction, then you're probably in a good place. I went with the new lady because it was pure. She's a sweetheart and treats me well. Will it last? I only know as much as anyone can know after five-months of dating. If you're split or suffering, it's too soon and you're better off alone.
Author jackbaron Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Well Im as confused as ever now. When I started seeing the new lady I decided I would be 100% honest with her about my situtation - regardless she is perceptive and knows when somethings up. Ater telling he about the Ex wanting to come back, and that I had chosen her, she seemed OK, and happy. But after sleeping on it (a sleepless night for her) she told me yesterday she couldnt see me any more. She had promised herself if there was ever a chance of reconcilliation for me then she would walk away. She told me I have to give my family a chance, the 4 girls and my ex deserve that. She is such a lovely person she is even concerned for my ex. I told the ex and she was happy. But I am not. I love my ex, but I know I have a lot of healing to do before I can feel that romantic love for her again. It is am old love based on the past and the kids and compasion for her and her well being. The love I have for the new gf is new and exciting and when I am with her I have no doubts she is who I want to be with. When Im with the ex I find myself thinking about the GF constantly. Its amazing how the situation has now turned around 180 and I could be concieved as being the person who decided to end this. I believe my wife when she tells me she never wanted a relationship with the OM. I know that aspects pf their friendship were wrong, and I know and she admits he was persuing her. I know her escapist behaviour was a result of her low self esteem and the terrible hurt she has had through her life. I dont want to be the source of even more hurt for her. But I was hurt so badly by her. I had given up all hope and that allowed me to feel something for someone else. I let meself be vulnerable to my feelings and once more I have a broken heart. I was out with friends last night, but wasnt a lot of fun, but was a birthday dinner I had commited to a long time ago. When I got home I told my ex that I needed a couple of days away to help sort myslef out a bit. She said that is fine and she she will only come back when Im sure, and if I choose not to be with her she will support me in any decision I make. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore, but I want to be happy. I know how it feels to be rejected by someone you want so badly. I dont know why now she wants to return, expecially when I know she has done no healing of herself in her time away from me. What a mess.
imagine Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Jack, I respect your girlfriends decision. No one should interfere while you are still married. I wish that your wife would have had the same feelings before she initially walked away. Would your wife do a polygraph test to prove their was no PA? Healing requires absolute honesty!
Steadfast Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I apologize, for I did not know you were still married when I posted on this subject. I should have read the whole thread because my view is different. Although you and your family were victims of your wife's actions and decisions, you had absolutely no business getting involved with someone else until your divorce was final. No dating during a separation either. None. Even if the marriage is over for her, it isn't for you until the legal part is done. Not only that, but you're not emotionally ready for a relationship...I don't care who you are or how wonderful the new lady is. Now, there's four people involved where there once was just two. It's wrong. You may be co-dependent, which needs to be resolved before you can move on. Your pain and confusion is an example of why people are advised to wait. My advice is to tell your wife you need time (more than a few days...more like a few weeks, minimum) and explain this to the new lady too. If the wife balks, that's a red flag she's interested in controlling and (another) good reason to show her the door to forever. A forever without you. It is best if families stay together, but remember this old saying; It's better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one. Take care of your business, your kids, and let the dust settle. Closely gauge and monitor the actions and reactions of your wife to see if this is the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And keep in touch-
Author jackbaron Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 My wife and are currently separated. I didn't plan on meeting anyone else, I got to a point where I had given up all hope of reconcilliation, and decided to so things for me. Go out a bit more, more quality time with kids etc. The very first night out I met this lady, and we both just clicked. My wife is still living away from home now. I know she would come home if I asked her too, but she will only come home when I am sure. I will spend these next few days away, and then concentrate on me and the kids and work, while I try and figure out if I can be happy with the ex again. I did pop into see the gf, and it was a good reminder if how wonderful she is. She doesn't feel any differently about me, just thinks it is the right thing to do and doesn't want to be a part of a choice. My biggest question of my ex right now is why now?
imagine Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Pal, at the risk of repeating myself -you are married. Divorce if you want to pursue the g/f. Divorce is a slow process. This process is there so that you do not make a mistake. Marriage is a commitment and divorce is a process based on infidelity or abuse to the relationship. Are you ready for divorce. OW must stay out of the picture when you make this decision!
hopesndreams Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 My biggest question of my ex right now is why now? Maybe because she's lonely and jealous of your new gf.
jesslindy Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 (edited) I dont know why now she wants to return, expecially when I know she has done no healing of herself in her time away from me. What a mess. I think your answer is right here. If the above is true, past behavior WILL predict future behavior. She's lonely, hurt you are moving on. If she has done no work on herself, which is impossible by the way if she was seeing someone, than the roadmap for her to do this again is already set in place. TRUTH Edited January 23, 2010 by jesslindy
WTFO Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 My biggest question of my ex right now is why now? Maybe because she's lonely and jealous of your new gf. Wow, I'm in the same situation. I got a call from the stbx saying shes not compatible with anyone else and wants her old life back. Meanwhile she knows I have been dating someone new that my kids like a lot. Its weird, now that I've excepted the separation and moved on this sh*t happens.
Recommended Posts