Morgued Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I'd like to start off by saying hello to any and everyone. I just found this site while trying to cope with my continious struggle for self assurance and peace of mind. This might be a little long, so make yourself comfortable . I have been dealing with the mental frustration and heartache that I know everyone has to go through at one point in time to another. I had been on and off with this one girl for about two and a half years. Now this "on again, off again" deal was always by my hand; this being due to either insecurity (I think), and difficult events I didn't know how to deal with (or I just tried to deal with them on my own to much.). We had started going out my junior year in highschool, and she had been a sophmore at the time. She had been someone I would have never thought I would end up with, we were introduced by each others friends. It started out as a normal friendship would, greeting each other as we passed by in the halls, hanging out randomly with other friends, even talking about our own relationships we had been having troubles with at the time. Well with both of us becoming single at one point we decided to give it a shot. Everything was going well for about 6 months, then for whatever reason, I decided it was best we be friends. Not even a week later we got back together (because it was awkward hanging out, without the normal relationship status.), and grew more attached the second time around. As time went by we both starting falling in love, and help each other out with many troubling events in our lives. About another six months had passed, and things started taking their toll on me. With my mother not working, and the bills not getting paid, things started to get shut off at the house. In an attempt to deal with this I eventually had to drop out of school, get a job, and support my mother and I. Along with this came a constant problem my EX had with her mother. She would always complain about her mother being a slave driver, and no matter what I did or said she would constantly bring it up. Well with all of that going on, along with a few other problems I told her it would probably be best to take a break (yeah I know it sucks being on the recieving end of that.). I explained why, and she agreed to it. We were still friends (with privleges), and after I believed I had gotten my mind straight, and I was on an emotionally stable ground we again got back together. We stayed together for another year, when I noticed she started to change. I believe that this was a little after she had turned 18 (me being almost 20). I say this because I had always told her to stand up to her mother, and tell her how she felt etc. She apparently felt that she couldn't do anything until after she reached 18 ("adulthood"), and finally started confronting her mother, and standing up for herself in general. This was a big change for her because she had always been a very shy/timid person; usually keeping her beliefs and thoughts to herself. This transformation soon led to other events that would soon lead me to become uncomfortable with our relationship. At times she would get extremely upset about a certain topic she disagreed with, and I would find myself asking her "Why are you yelling? Am I yelling?", which she responded with an "I don't know...I don't know why i'm like this." type of thing. Other times she would do things that needlessly wasted her time/money, and we would end up arguing over what she wanted to do, and what she knew she needed to do. Eventually her mood swings got the better of me, and I decided we needed time apart again. This however did not set well at all with her, and she began crying and yelling at me. We took our time apart, and again remained friends with privleges, and again after about a month we got together again, and lasted for about another six months. (There's a litte more info but i'm just trying to wrap this up ) During those last 6 months she had been beginning to go to clubs, with her friends, and her usual outlook on drinking had changed dramatically. I didn't give it much a second thought, telling her to have fun as long as she stayed safe. Along with doing this however her demeanor had yet again began to change. Our arguments became more common, and her so did her new found love for clubbing. Her attitude become more agressive as well, and I started feeling uncomfortable with the relationship again. She did make a positive step and said that she was looking into going to a good school in Vegas. (this will be brought up later in the story.) She at one point wanted to move in with me, and I had rejected it because of her recent attitude change. I didn't think it would have helped solving our problems. I was at that point trying to get into a trade school to make a better standing for myself; being that I didn't graduate high school this was a big step for me. She agreed and said she was proud of me for doing so. One afternoon a long time friend of mine that I had grew up with since childhood were up late gaming it up, when I started sharing with him what she had been acting like recently. He had been aware of our history and said that I should just break up with her once and for all. The thought had crossed my mind, but I didn't want that to happen again. He then brought up our whole past bit by bit and breaking up seemed like the best thing to do by the second. Fearing things would only get worse and that I wouldn't have the gumption to do it later I called her up and told her we needed to take another break. This of course was the final one... though I didn't know it at the time... I mistakenly and regretibly told her she needed to change herself because of how she was acting, and that I needed to focus on school. She agreed and we again remained friends with privleges. We did however agree to a "no dating other people" thing. After about a month we both took a trip to my friends house, and hung out for a little while. On our way back, she told me she had gone out on a double date, and kissed the guy she was with. I got upset and jealous asking why she was still hanging out with me if she had found someone new. She then tried to reassure me that it wasn't really a date, and that "he made the move" on her. After that I did what I knew wasn't the best Idea to do and looked into her e-mail account. She had apparently been talking to this guy long before we had broken up, and now since we had she was referring to me as "the a**hole ex", amongst other things. I never confronted her about this, knowing I was in the wrong for looking in the first place. Anywho, after about a month I believed I had made a mistake and told her I wanted her back. She to my suprise said that didn't think it was time for us to get back together, and with the natural tendency of wanting what I couldn't have, I began slipping into what I call the "Love shock". Mine however was a slight case. I didn't do the stalking, or gift giving, etc. I did overly text, call, and visit her though constantly trying to get back together with her. She then went to my childhood friend and started asking me why I was acting like this, and how to make me stop. This started a little cycle of her telling me things through him, and all that really did was upset me. I told her if she had something to say to say it to me and not to my friend. He eventually told her that in order to get me to stop, she needed to make me get to the point of hating her, which she was trying her best at. I called her one day again asking for her back again, and she replied with the statement "I do all theset things to make you hate me and you still keep coming back; Why?", in shock I told her that it was because I loved her and she said we wouldn't be getting back together anytime soon. She then tells me that she's going on a trip to Vegas to check out a school, I wish her well and she explains that we will talk more about thigns when she returns. Come to find out she actually went up there to see some guy. Upset, but trying to make things right I sent her an e-mail apologizing for the way I had been acting, and that I hoped we could talk more when she came back. This was never responded to, and I slipped into a deep depression. I started avoiding our mutual friends, which were pretty much all my/her friends, and everything I did and everywhere I went only reminded me of her. After a good three months of horrible depression I finally started getting better, and realizing I had to move on. This did not last long, as I later got a friend request from her on myspace. With this I asked her what she wanted, and she said she wanted to be friends, but it was no big deal if I didn't want to. Angered by the statement I thought of it as petty expecially when it was "no big deal" to her. I thought to myself "if it wasn't a big deal, then why did you contact me in the first place?" I kept my thoughts to myself,and tried to get some closure out of it. But seeing that my past attempts at trying to get closure had failed I deleted my myspace entirely and haven't talked to her since. (which was about October of last year.) In order to get away from everything, and hopefully cure myself of the heartache, I took a small vacation to TX where I am currently typing this out.) Although I have had some progress with my emotions, I still continue to find myself thinking about her and wanting her back. Though since then I have found she has state hopping to see new guys. (first vegas, then wisconsin.) I don't know what else to do, this seems to be a constant cycle of pain I unilntentionally keep putting myself through. I sometimes find myself looking at her myspace page, just to see how she's doing or whatever. I know I need to stop, but I still can't seem to totally get over all that happened between us. If I talk about her to long, or begin putting her on that omi-potent pedestal I have another breakdown, and it's another week before i'm fine again. I just want this to stop... --------------- Well thanks for reading, I know it was long but it does give a slight sense of relief jotting it all down.
EricaH329 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 First, i'd like to say that i'm sorry about all of the pain you are going through. It's tough, I know. Second, I know (as well as you do) that this girl has a lot of growing up to do. You both met at a young age, and she wasn't able to express herself the way she wanted to growing up. Now that she has the chance, she is going crazy with it. What drew me to your story, was the fact that i'm in a similar situation. And what i've learned, so far, from my experience is that once a person has the freedom to do or say whatever they like... it's like a brand new world to them. They feel rejuvinated in ways they haven't before. They do things that they wouldn't normally do. Along with that, i've learned that once they begin slowing down, they realize who really is important to them. Who really means a great deal, and who was there through the actual tough times in their life. Now, i'm not trying to get your hopes up by saying that, because with some people it takes longer to realize that. Your on again/off again relationship is unhealthy for the both of you. You crave her so badly now, because you cannot have her. For one second, i'd like for you to imagine a relationship with her. There would be another problem, once again. I know it's hard to imagine that, considering how much pain you are going through and how badly you wish to be with her again. But I promise you, that if it's not this issue... it's another. Some people are like bad addictions. You can't live with them, and you can't live without them. The only way to feel better about yourself is to try and put yourself in a third person perspective. You've basically told us the negatives to your past relationships with her... so why do you think that now, when she is the most unstable, it would work? I feel your pain hun, I really do. But this girl is not right for you. She might have been then, but she isn't the same person that she was then. She is a different person now. And all of the memories and hopes you are holding onto... are from the person that you used to know. Keep pushing through this. You will be much better when all of this is over. And I promise you, this will be over soon.
Author Morgued Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Thank you for taking the time to read through my long winded story. You are of course right about all that you've said. I need to keep running it though my head until I finally make it click. I will do my best to push through this like you said, and hopefully it will be over SOON.
EricaH329 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It'll be tough, definitely. But at the end, you'll look back and say "What the hell was I thinking?!". It happens to all of us. Good luck! And keep posting if it makes you feel better! This is a great community, and everyone is very supportive and helpful!
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