trail_blazers_7 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I've been dating the same girl for almost 8 months now. We love each other a lot and are currently in a temporary LDR. Her and I had a conversation a while ago about how many people we'd each had sex with in the past...in retrospect that was stupid and has only caused heartache for both of us. I lost my virginity in 2006 and she lost hers in 2008,... She's 20 and I'm 21, she has been with 14 guys and I have been with 8 girls. About half of the girls I've slept with have been while we were dating, the other half were one night stands or weekend flings; while most of the guys she slept with were one night stands, with only 1 or 2 being relationships. For some reason that bothers me. I understand completely that it is something that neither of us can change and I have accepted it and still love her just as much. But for some stupid reason I can't let it go. She told me today that she dated a guy who liked to go to orgies a lot and 'that inflated her number', and that she 'really regrets it', but that still doesn't change the way I feel. I love this girl very much and this is by no means going to change that, I just don't want it to bother me anymore. I want to ask everyone (preferably guys who have dealt with this or girls who are or have dated a guy with this problem) how they dealt with it.
seibert253 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I've been dating the same girl for almost 8 months now. We love each other a lot and are currently in a temporary LDR. Her and I had a conversation a while ago about how many people we'd each had sex with in the past...in retrospect that was stupid and has only caused heartache for both of us. I lost my virginity in 2006 and she lost hers in 2008,... She's 20 and I'm 21, she has been with 14 guys and I have been with 8 girls. About half of the girls I've slept with have been while we were dating, the other half were one night stands or weekend flings; while most of the guys she slept with were one night stands, with only 1 or 2 being relationships. For some reason that bothers me. I understand completely that it is something that neither of us can change and I have accepted it and still love her just as much. But for some stupid reason I can't let it go. She told me today that she dated a guy who liked to go to orgies a lot and 'that inflated her number', and that she 'really regrets it', but that still doesn't change the way I feel. I love this girl very much and this is by no means going to change that, I just don't want it to bother me anymore. I want to ask everyone (preferably guys who have dealt with this or girls who are or have dated a guy with this problem) how they dealt with it. She's 20 and been with 14 guys? Yes this should bother you. This is what we in the Law Enforcement community refer to as A CLUE. You heart is telling you all lovey dovey stuff about her, but your head is telling you otherwise. The heart is ruled by emotion, the head is ruled by logic. I think many of us would avoid alot of pain in relationships if we listened more to logic as opposed to emotion. I really don't have any advice for you, but whatever you do be careful. I really think you may have the potentional for getting hurt really bad, later on down the road, if you remain in this relationship.
Clep Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I've been dating the same girl for almost 8 months now. We love each other a lot and are currently in a temporary LDR. Her and I had a conversation a while ago about how many people we'd each had sex with in the past...in retrospect that was stupid and has only caused heartache for both of us. I lost my virginity in 2006 and she lost hers in 2008,... She's 20 and I'm 21, she has been with 14 guys and I have been with 8 girls. About half of the girls I've slept with have been while we were dating, the other half were one night stands or weekend flings; while most of the guys she slept with were one night stands, with only 1 or 2 being relationships. For some reason that bothers me. I understand completely that it is something that neither of us can change and I have accepted it and still love her just as much. But for some stupid reason I can't let it go. She told me today that she dated a guy who liked to go to orgies a lot and 'that inflated her number', and that she 'really regrets it', but that still doesn't change the way I feel. I love this girl very much and this is by no means going to change that, I just don't want it to bother me anymore. I want to ask everyone (preferably guys who have dealt with this or girls who are or have dated a guy with this problem) how they dealt with it. I am confused as to why it would bother you. You have had one night stands and so has she. How many each of you have had is irrelevant to me. So you have had "less" one night stands than she has, but you both have. Like you are more moral because you have a lower amount of poor behavior. Who cares. It sounds to me like you are judging her for the same behaviors you have had. If she says she regrets it she has probably learned a lesson and what is acceptable in her life has changed for her. You say that this isn't going to change the way you feel about her so maybe put yourself in her shoes and see how you would feel? I don't mean to sound rude but it seems like her shoes aren't much bigger than yours.
OnlyJake Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) I find it a little disturbing that a 20 yo has had 14 sexual partners in only 1 or 2 years. Why does this bother you? Is it just an ego thing because her number is higher than yours? Is it an ego thing because you have a double standard in regards to women and sex? If that's what your problem is, just get the hell over it or break up with her. Personally, the fact that she's had sex with 14 different people in such a short period of time would be a red flag for me, simply because I would wonder what was driving her behavior. I would worry that she has low self-esteem and self-worth, that she was looking for something that she was missing in terms of affection and closeness in the wrong places, and that perhaps she had some kind of deeper psychological problem. I would also be concerned about STDs.... Other concerns I would have would be if your sexual tastes and attitudes are too different. Example: the thing about orgies. She apparently doesn't have a problem getting passed around - nothing against her, to each their own, but that is an attitude toward sex that might cause issues in the future. I'm just saying, I would be concerned about open relationships and things like that because of her attitude being so different (apparently) from yours. And the way you phrased it, that she said the guy she was seeing liked to do it, implies that she just went along with it; she didn't say it was something SHE was into. So I'd be concerned that she would do anything to fit in, please someone, etc. regardless of her own needs, wants, desires and values.... Edited January 20, 2010 by OnlyJake
Author trail_blazers_7 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 let me clarify things a bit she grew up in a very religious household and left the church when she was 18. orgies aren't something she is in to, that's something her ex did so he could have sex with other girls and make it seem okay to her. clep: thanks for the advice. it helped a little bit and made me realize that we are both guilty of the same behaviors, she was just luckier than me
TheMastaPlan Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I've been dating the same girl for almost 8 months now. We love each other a lot and are currently in a temporary LDR. Her and I had a conversation a while ago about how many people we'd each had sex with in the past...in retrospect that was stupid and has only caused heartache for both of us. I lost my virginity in 2006 and she lost hers in 2008,... She's 20 and I'm 21, she has been with 14 guys and I have been with 8 girls. About half of the girls I've slept with have been while we were dating, the other half were one night stands or weekend flings; while most of the guys she slept with were one night stands, with only 1 or 2 being relationships. For some reason that bothers me. I understand completely that it is something that neither of us can change and I have accepted it and still love her just as much. But for some stupid reason I can't let it go. She told me today that she dated a guy who liked to go to orgies a lot and 'that inflated her number', and that she 'really regrets it', but that still doesn't change the way I feel. I love this girl very much and this is by no means going to change that, I just don't want it to bother me anymore. I want to ask everyone (preferably guys who have dealt with this or girls who are or have dated a guy with this problem) how they dealt with it. i had an issue with my ex about how many guys she slept with. SHe used to be pretty easy in her senior year in HS. Now this bothered me AT FIRST, i heard sotries, a lot which of werent tru, but still its hard to think the other way. Also in college she slepts with numerous guys as i did with girls (so to me it was whatever we both did **** we regret) but you have to understand A LOT of girls and i mean A LOT of girls will not say the number of guys they have slept with, if shes being completely honest with you it means she TRUSTS you and loves you enough to feel comfortable telling you that. NOW i asked my ex twice how many guys she slept with and both times i said NEVERMIND i DO NOT want to know, because number one itll make ur mind race, number 2 who cares, and number 3 all these guys she slept with and YOU ARE THE ONE she wnats to be with(well right now lol) - you gotta take that into consideration. be liek wow she could be iwth this dude or this dude, etc but she wnats to be with you, out of those 14 guys YOU are the best my man, she picks you at this moment and hopefully will stay with only you (as i assume you hope too). Take it as something you both know about each other and that you were comfortable with to tell each other. Mind you this was all done before you, if you had dated and hten she slept with 14 guys and hten wanted you again id be like eeehhhhh. You cant control who you love, everyone makes mistakes, regrets some things, hey we're all human. Tell her how you feel, open up to her, say ive been holding this back but id liek to tell you it makes me uncomfortable that you slept with 14 guys, IF you want to. you dont have to, i dont think iw ould i would just let is slip and think about what i told you above....good luck to you man, im going thru some tough stuff with my ex right now and its pretty hard. best of luck
Author trail_blazers_7 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 thank you very much for your words, MastaPlan. i never cared about it before, but now we are in a temporary LDR and i think that has just given me time to step back and see the relationship for what it is. we both realized the other day when i visited her that what we have is special, and not something that petty things from the past or being 800 miles apart can ruin.
OnlyJake Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 let me clarify things a bit she grew up in a very religious household and left the church when she was 18. orgies aren't something she is in to, that's something her ex did so he could have sex with other girls and make it seem okay to her. That's fine; none of that has any impact in regards to my post though. Good luck.
road Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Did she cheat on any of her boyfriends? If not then the problem is that you need to talk to a priest or councelor. It comes down to what you can handle. Can people get past this? Yes. You? Can't condem someone for doig what you have done.
Author trail_blazers_7 Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 i've come to grips with this. it's not something that bothers me anymore. all that matters is that we love each other, and i've had some things in my past that really bother her too. but we are both mature enough to realize that it is not important, all that matters now is me and her.
Clep Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Glad to see you have gotten over this. I wish you the best in your relationship.
Bleed Internal Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 i've come to grips with this. it's not something that bothers me anymore. all that matters is that we love each other, and i've had some things in my past that really bother her too. but we are both mature enough to realize that it is not important, all that matters now is me and her. unfortunately, this probably isn't true. i've been in your shoes (almost exactly, similar number of partners for me and my ex) and most guys who have had RJ issues will agree with me. if you really respect her and have it in you to get over her past, more power to you. that's something i was never capable of doing with my ex. once it got in my head that she was easy and slutty in her past, it NEVER left, despite how much i was in love with her. she wound up cheating on me too.
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