4givrnt4gtr Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 So yesterday was my birthday. I havent been particularly too thrilled about it but whatever. Saturday night i went out with some friends, had a few drinks and thought to send my ex boyfriend a message on FB. Thankfully, my pride stopped me on my tracks and didnt do it, but the idea stayed in my head. Now, I stop contacting him since maybe early november. I sent him a message telling him I had to delete him from my facebook friend's list because I needed to move on. He never responded to that message and just pretty much let me go, however, after a few weeks he opened up his page and I being the stalker that I am, was able to see what he posted. I saw he posted about 4 or 5 songs about break ups and how much he wanted "someone" (not gonna make assumptions here) back, and to "come back" etc etc....the last one was posted last week. So anyhow i let it go and figured that if he really wanted me he would contact me right? right., So Holidays passed, not a word from him. I kept telling myself that given that he didnt even care to say merry christmas to me, he didnt care. So yesterday, despite evidence that he DOESNT care, i kept hoping he would at least care enough, even as a friend, to say happy birthday. Ofcourse he didn't and I was pissed, but not really surprised. Actually, ever since the whole holidays thing I keep thinking that he probably doesnt say anything because I basically told him to let me be. But I guess i dont want to be a fool so I rather think he just doesnt care. Anyhow, I went to dinner with my friend, and on the way I had this horrible urge to send him a message telling him that I was thinking about my last birthday and how great it had been to have spent it with him. that i hope he was well and that i miss him. My pride broke out in a tizzy and I started fighting with myself, about how thats dumb, makes no sense, its my bday, hes supposed to call ME. My friend was late so I toyed more and mor with the idea...thankfully she came just at the nick of time. Well, so I thought. We talked about it and she asked me why I would think he would contact me when I broke it off with him and then on top of it I closed the door on any possibility by telling him i needed to defriend him and basically good bye? It made sense. She then told me to stop playing games, to tell him how I feel and see what he says. Well thats all I needed. I sent him a message on facebook, readding him and telling him what I wrote up there. Honestly I thought he would ignore me completely, as this is the, what, third time I readd him? So this morning I woke up with the mentality of "ok this is it, I just need to close any hope that we might work out after all once I move to his city, its just a way to really have closure". Well not so much. He added me, to my surprise...but he didnt say anything, not even happy birthday, which, honestly, was the reason why all this started (me wanting him to wish me happy birthday). So now, Im wondering....wtf. He could have easily ignored me, I would have, if i didnt want anything to do with me. But he didnt. Now why did i have to go and do that??? I mean I dont feel too bad though, cuz the most rational thing to think is that he didnt want to be rude but didnt want to say anything to give me hope. But honestly to me it just looks weird, especially because I know he deliverately didnt say anything (he usually used to say something, neutral, but something!) But honestly, wtf....I dont know...men are strange strange creatures...
sedgwick Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Wait...you're the one who broke up with him?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Wait...you're the one who broke up with him? Technically, yes....I mean i pulled the plug, but he kept pushing me away. The day we broke up he kept saying he was oh so busy with school, that he was afraid he would get so busy that our relationship would not last, that on top of that he felt like he was holding back (which I had been hearing for the past 9 months) and that he didnt know why, that he was afraid I would get tired of it, but he didnt know if he was going to be able to keep it together. Now all that after I flew to see him and he treated me like I was getting in the way. Actually the reason why i flew in was because I felt he was getting more distance every day and I was trying to salvage our relationship. (our R had become LDR maybe a month before we broke up, and the plan was that I would move to his city once i was done with school in 10 months...apparently this was too much for him) In any case I told him we had been together for 9 months already and he seemed to not be able to feel what he wanted to feel for me. In my point of view, you either feel it or you dont and forcing yourself to feel love for someone just doesnt work. He agreed with me but said he was dissapointed because he wanted us to work out, we get along so well and we are, or at least were, when we lived nearby, very happy when we were together. I said that it was best for us to stop dragging things along otherwise I would start resenting him for not caring enough and he will resent me for feeling like im holding him back. He agreed, said I was the best girlfriend he's ever had and he knew he had to deal with his mess (he was still dealing with trust issues due to his ex cheating on him). SO yeah i broke it off, but i didnt want to...i just had no choice... thus the reason why i didnt want to contact him. I wanted him to contact me if he ever felt like he was ready to really let himself trust and allow himself to love again. Funny cuz a few maybe weeks after that he posted a song about how he had asked me to be patient and he knew his past had ruined the present.... anyhow......seems like he still not caring enough so.....i dont know
ginyi1111 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Maybe he accepted your friend request on FB because he has moved on??
Beeotch Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 If you broke up with him...whether he pushed you or not...you take that role as dumper. If you told him to leave you alone so that you could move on, then he is perhaps thinking what you're thinking, that he will leave you alone, you don't want him and he is going to try and let you be. But your case in point shows the irrationality of these break up scenarios. Often ppl on LS love to paint these black & white scenarios, when time and again and the very nature of life, shows that human beings are messed up creatures and what we say is different from what we do and we often complicate things in all sorts of ways so there is often no set script for how ppl are feeling or thinking. Here you are the dumper, who is singing the plight of the dumpee....and you are just one example of millions to show that things aren't always how they seem and we all have protocol in our heads or OUR version of events and reality....but the other person may see it in a completely different way.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 If you broke up with him...whether he pushed you or not...you take that role as dumper. If you told him to leave you alone so that you could move on, then he is perhaps thinking what you're thinking, that he will leave you alone, you don't want him and he is going to try and let you be. But your case in point shows the irrationality of these break up scenarios. Often ppl on LS love to paint these black & white scenarios, when time and again and the very nature of life, shows that human beings are messed up creatures and what we say is different from what we do and we often complicate things in all sorts of ways so there is often no set script for how ppl are feeling or thinking. Here you are the dumper, who is singing the plight of the dumpee....and you are just one example of millions to show that things aren't always how they seem and we all have protocol in our heads or OUR version of events and reality....but the other person may see it in a completely different way. I agree, which is why I kind of cringe when I see the "total nc! Wait 4 dumper to contact u! And even then unless he/she is begging u back don't even answer!" In my case though I made the final decision I don't feel like the dumper and itlll be a Very cold day in hell the day I beg him back. I am all up for opening the door of communication and even that was hard given how I see the situation. But I don't know how he sees it and for all I know he might be following the "unless she begs" advice which will put us in a stand off. I guess that's what my friend made me see, which is basically the opposite of what I've heard here for the past 4 months
Beeotch Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I agree, which is why I kind of cringe when I see the "total nc! Wait 4 dumper to contact u! And even then unless he/she is begging u back don't even answer!" In my case though I made the final decision I don't feel like the dumper and itlll be a Very cold day in hell the day I beg him back. I am all up for opening the door of communication and even that was hard given how I see the situation. But I don't know how he sees it and for all I know he might be following the "unless she begs" advice which will put us in a stand off. I guess that's what my friend made me see, which is basically the opposite of what I've heard here for the past 4 months Communication has to occur if things are going to be fixed/you want another chance....and someone has to initiate it. The "normal" protocol is that the person who ended it esp if it seems for no reason or they needed time or something other than cheating should be the one to open up communication again. But that is not black and white either. Because as you said, if the person was engaging in behavior that made you dump them, then it goes against your sensibilities to try to in initiate communication. It is kind of about who is right and who was wrong and the wrong person being made to do most of the work. But many times it is BLURRED. Both people could be wrong or you're not sure or various things. So SOMEBODY has to make the first move. I'm all for communicating esp when you first break up....then after wards letting it be. If two ppl are stubborn or trying to be right or punish the other, nothing will be accomplished. Put your cards on the table I say in the beginning or at some point and say what you want and need and hope for and open communication then AFTERWARDS if the person chooses not to respond or not to do anything, you can be confident that it was not because of confusion or mixed signals or anything but more than likely there conscious decision not to follow up.
D-Lish Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I broke up with a guy over a year ago in the same situation as you. It was obvious I liked him more than he liked me and I felt like I had no choice. He still contacts me, he still monitors my facebook and comes on strong if he sees me adding new men or posting pics of nights out. But, the bottom line is that he has still never made the move to get back together. We still have dates, we still hang out, he still texts me regularly- he goes through stages where he begs me to come back- but the bottom line is that he isn't into me enough to get serious about me. You did the right thing by breaking up with someone who couldn't invest enough to follow through with the important stuff. Now it's up to you to follow through. You can keep expecting and hoping, or you can take a stand.
dietpepsi Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 do you want to be with this guy or not? This a very good question, also you shouldn't expect the dumpee to reach out to you, especially after saying you wish not to have contact. If you want him back that is a different story, it is your responsibility to end the silence, because you did ask for it, but i know thats hard to do for some people, on either side of the aisle. But a happy birthday just for happy birthdays sake you probably shouldn't expect, you may end up feeling better, but he may end up feeling worse.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 This a very good question, also you shouldn't expect the dumpee to reach out to you, especially after saying you wish not to have contact. If you want him back that is a different story, it is your responsibility to end the silence, because you did ask for it, but i know thats hard to do for some people, on either side of the aisle. But a happy birthday just for happy birthdays sake you probably shouldn't expect, you may end up feeling better, but he may end up feeling worse. Yes i do want to be with him but I want to be with him because he loves me, for real. I will not deal with anymore "im not sure" and "i feel like im holding back" bs. Thus the reason why i ended it in the first place. I did reach out to him, told him i miss him and hope he was doing well. I didnt get any answer from him other than adding him in facebook again....so I guess THAT is my answer. Im not sure i can go any further than that. IF he had said anything, even yeah Im doing well or whatever I would have continued trying to talk to him but without any encouragement, I have no option but to lay low.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Im confused..... you say.... the bottom line is that he has still never made the move to get back together. yet.... he goes through stages where he begs me to come back- What else do you want him to do??? See this is what im kind of nervous about...unless a "dumper" goes on their hands and knees up and down your block for a year you wont allow them a chance to rectify their mistake or even clear the air/clarify miscommunication that might have led to the breakup or whatever..... I know being dumped hurts....but sometimes the whole holy than thou stand might hurt you more than being true to what you feel.
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