absoluttifftiff Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 There are so many problems right now between me and my boyfriend that I could probably write a novel, so instead I'll break down each separate problem. I just don't know how to solve them and/or if I even should try anymore. Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Problems: 1. He's started smoking weed practically 5 times/day. He always smoked, but it's to the extent now that I think he's addicted and it bothers me. If he doesn't have any, he gets irritable. One day he attempted to take his weed pipe to work and I caught him and it wasn't until I yelled at him that he came up with some stupid lie and put it back. I don't smoke weed. 2. I recently quit smoking cigarettes. Since we live together, I made him start smoking his cigarettes and weed outside. I've started thinking about the future and this eventually will not be enough. I don't want someone who's gonna smoke (anything) forever. 3. He told me that he's not going to stop smoking unless he's coughing up blood. This not only angered me because he has no plans to quit...ever...but also because it's just such an idiotic and crazy statement. Who says that?! Please also know that his grandfather had both legs amputated due to smoking and that hasn't stopped him, so I believe him. 4. I've never really felt that he was attracted to me. He's always looking at MILF porn (which I will not be anytime soon. I'm 25 and have no plans for kids aaaaany time in the near future). At one point I had to make him stop talking to my ex roommate because I could tell he had a thing for her because she always dressed really provocatively and was just really...well...slutty and frankly after I moved out, why were they still talking on the phone and in person?? That was MY roommate and I didn't talk to her. I've also noticed that he's into bigger women. I saw a text to his ex about two months ago saying that she looked good and he admitted to me that he thinks that she still looks good and doesn't see a problem with sending pictures back and forth and complimenting her. 5. Our sex life is now suffering...for me. We have sex when HE wants to have sex. Whenever I initiate it, even when I'm wearing a sexy costume, he turns me down. I've talked to him about spicing things up, taking a shower with me, trying new positions, he never wants to do any of these things. He just wants to get off and then he'll get me off with his fingers. Forget going down on me or anything else. After a year together, he's only done that three times. I've really been thinking about ending things, but the twist is this: I quit my job. Therefore I'm not getting unemployment and we live together and he's been practically taking care of me. I did tell him the other day that I'm thinking about getting out of this relationship and it's unfair for him to stay. He said he'll move out in a month or two, but I don't think he really plans to. I get from him that he hopes this can work out, but he's unwilling to talk to me and when I try to talk to him it winds up me screaming at him and him crying. I can see now why they say Aries and Cancer don't work. I'm very blunt, forceful and loud. He's very quiet, sensitive and moody. How would you handle this situation? Do you think that this can be worked out and things can go back to being wonderful or are we kidding ourselves and we just need to end it? Should we try until I get another job and we'll see where we stand at that time? A lot of times I feel this all came about because I quit my job and he's been under real stress to take care of two people in NYC on his small salary, it's winter and we're holed up in our tiny apartment together all day everyday until he goes to work at night and I just quit smoking a week ago, so I may be extra hard on him right now because I don't want to smell it. But then again, some of these things (like the roommate situation) have been happening since before we moved in together, before I quit my job and will be happening for a long time to come (his cigarette and weed habits). ugh.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 There is always a future with someone like him but a "happy" one? Sounds like you have been compromising your standards and limits for some time. Get a job and get away from him.
OceanTropic Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 First things first, get a job. If things get progressively worse, I'm sure your parents would take you in until you got back up on your feet. Try to work things out, but if you feel you will be happier out of the relationship, then you shouldn't find excuses to stay. If you really want out, I don't think being unemployed should stop you. If its bearable, go job hunting, and maybe look for an affordable place, and once you feel safe, you can end the relationship.
Bejita463 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I don't think the problems are all him, but it does appear you'd both be happier if you went your separate ways. I don't get the impression that either one of you communicates well with the other, and that is mildly important.
Author absoluttifftiff Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Thanks for your responses. I had a feeling what they would be after I read my post to myself. I would also tell me to get out. I forgot to mention though that the situation is also further complicated by the fact that we have a dog together, so it'd be even more difficult for me to find an apt on craigslist or something. It's hard to have roommates with a dog. I've tried it and just doesn't work. They get annoyed, which in turn annoys me. Plus my parents live in Florida, so unless I move to Florida, I can't stay with them. So basically I need to find a job asap. Luckily I'm the only one on the lease here. This is specifically why I did that. I guess if I don't find a job, I will HAVE to move to Florida and find someone to sublet. I hope it doesn't come to that. Breaking up with someone and moving back home with your parents...in another state...with no job on the horizon is my definition of depressing.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 If he is really smoking five times a day, that, together with the irritability and other behavior you describe says he is in a relationship with weed, not you (and I'm pro-legalization btw, not some anti pot zealot). You are the other woman in his life. Yes, it is time to end things, dog or no.
aerogurl87 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 You sound miserable and yet your making excuses to stay. *sigh* In short I say to end in for his and your sanity and for any chances for both of you to be happy in the future.
Author absoluttifftiff Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I broke up with him around 4am this morning, cried til about 7am and talked to him/cried again all day today. He wants to work things out, but I'm just not sure how this can be worked out. He says that he feels he fell out of love with me after he lost his job and it's not my fault, so he knows he can feel that way again. He says that now that I'm unemployed he feels that he can't criticize me and I do a lot of things that I yell at him about and he's beginning to feel resentful which is only contributing to the problems that we were beginning to have. I really don't see how this can be worked out unless we go to couples counseling or something. He promised to start ****ing me the way I want 24/7 all around the apartment, but I don't see how that's going to help. We need to solve the underlying issues here and I'm just not sure what they are, but I do feel it's also contributing to his substance abuse and everything else. Our relationship used to be so good and I don't know how to get that back...or if it's even possible.
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