Butterflying Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I'm dating a guy who says: "If we're in a committed, monogamous relationship, including marriage, we don't have to meet ALL of each others friends." My thoughts here are opposite. I feel that it is mandatory to meet all of each others friends because that is a part of sharing a life together. I don't have to be friends with all of his friends. But if he's hanging out with them on a regular basis, calling them, emailing them, especially females; I would like to meet them. This does not include associates or people who don't mean that much to us. Only the ones we consider "friends." In truth, it's less than 20 people. Not at least meeting them raises a red flag to me. Why wouldn't a man who loves me want me to meet someone else in his life whom he loves? Another thing is that he refuses to add me as a friend to his Myspace or Facebook pages. He says that we both should have some privacy. Meanwhile, I have friends on my pages who are married. They are very open about their relationships. They share friends. My question is, Is it okay to keep certain friends private from your significant other when you are monogamously committed to each other? I mean is this healthy for a relationship?
carhill Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 He doesn't want people to know you're his girlfriend. For a man, it's called 'keeping his options open'.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Uhh...the not adding you on facebook thing is weird...a lot of people will add people they barely even know, let alone someone they're dating... He's probably dating someone else or in a relationship and doesn't want you to know.
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I am married to a person who does try to stay on friendly terms with some of his exes. It isn't that I don't want to or have never stayed on good terms with any exes, it just isn't that important to me. Mostly it is because I stay if I like someone. If I leave the relationship - it is because I don't like them at all anymore. But I can accept that not everyone is like me or has to see things the same way. I have made friends with a couple of his exes, but not all. I just don't feel the need to meet every female he has ever had a date or whatever in his entire life. If I run into them - whatever, who cares. The point is, if he had his way, I'd meet everyone he was friends with whether he once dated them or not and we would all be the best of friends. He doesn't act mysterious or witholding IN ANY WAY. Wonder why your mr man makes an issue about it either way? Things that make you go "that guy is being inappropriate with one of those women".
hoping2heal Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I'm dating a guy who says: "If we're in a committed, monogamous relationship, including marriage, we don't have to meet ALL of each others friends." My thoughts here are opposite. I feel that it is mandatory to meet all of each others friends because that is a part of sharing a life together. I don't have to be friends with all of his friends. But if he's hanging out with them on a regular basis, calling them, emailing them, especially females; I would like to meet them. This does not include associates or people who don't mean that much to us. Only the ones we consider "friends." In truth, it's less than 20 people. Not at least meeting them raises a red flag to me. Why wouldn't a man who loves me want me to meet someone else in his life whom he loves? Another thing is that he refuses to add me as a friend to his Myspace or Facebook pages. He says that we both should have some privacy. Meanwhile, I have friends on my pages who are married. They are very open about their relationships. They share friends. My question is, Is it okay to keep certain friends private from your significant other when you are monogamously committed to each other? I mean is this healthy for a relationship? Translation = I am shady and untrustworthy. Hopefully, you will go with the flow and not crimp my style.
Author Butterflying Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 He's probably dating someone else or in a relationship and doesn't want you to know. Of course this is the first thing that came to mind when we had this discussion about MS and FB. And I don't like this type of thinking because it leads to insecurity. It all began when I changed my relationship status from single to in a relationship on both websites. So I sent him a friend request (innocently) when I realized that we weren't connected yet. After a few weeks, he hadn't accepted my request. So I asked him about it one day while I was viewing my pages on my laptop at his house. That's when he told me it was an invasion of his privacy and that I don't need to know all of his friends.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It's one thing if he's running off to spend time with these unknown friends frequently, but if he's not, these sound like fairly vanilla boundaries and not unreasonable.
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Of course this is the first thing that came to mind when we had this discussion about MS and FB. And I don't like this type of thinking because it leads to insecurity. It all began when I changed my relationship status from single to in a relationship on both websites. So I sent him a friend request (innocently) when I realized that we weren't connected yet. After a few weeks, he hadn't accepted my request. So I asked him about it one day while I was viewing my pages on my laptop at his house. That's when he told me it was an invasion of his privacy and that I don't need to know all of his friends. This won't be as clear cut as is he being on the up and up or is he playing around...... It will and should be: Does his actions concerning this make you feel honored or disrespected?
Author Butterflying Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) It's one thing if he's running off to spend time with these unknown friends frequently, but if he's not, these sound like fairly vanilla boundaries and not unreasonable. That's the thing...I don't know how much time he spends with any of them. So far, I've only met one of his friends (his best friend). But I know he has others because he hangs out with them sometimes. I've never been invited. And I assume some of the friends are female because that's normal. My BF has met all of my close friends both male and female. But he says it was my choice to introduce him. Othewise, he doesn't really care to know who my friends are and he prefers that I don't insist on knowing his. This won't be as clear cut as is he being on the up and up or is he playing around...... It will and should be: Does his actions concerning this make you feel honored or disrespected? I will have to really think about this. It's a great question. Right now the answer is that his action on this issue is making me feel dishonored (not disrespected). Like he is blocking me out of a huge aspect of his life. I don't feel comfortable when he tells me that he is out with friends, or a friend and I don't know what type of people those friends are. For all I know, they could be Mafia, or some type of criminals. It could be other women. Him not wanting me to know makes me very skeptical. And I don't think I can continue dating him like this. *And it's not a matter of timing. He claims that I may NEVER know his friends and he prefers to keep it that way. Even if we get married. So I wonder, how could I throw him a birthday celebration? How could we have a wedding if he doesn't want his friends to meet me. Edited January 20, 2010 by Butterflying
counterman Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It does seem a little weird. I mean his friends are a part of who he is and, of course, you would want to know them and meet them eventually. And not accepting your request for FB and MS, why not? If he has nothing to hide, then he would have accepted you IMO. I would keep my SO away from friends who have histories of cheating or hitting on my girlfriends, but, apart from that, I would definitely have my SO meet my friends sooner or later. It might be a red flag.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 That's the thing...I don't know how much time he spends with any of them. So far, I've only met one of his friends (his best friend). But I know he has others because he hangs out with them sometimes. I've never been invited. And I assume some of the friends are female because that's normal. How long have you been dating?
Crazy Magnet Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Yes, how long have you been dating. My boyfriend has met all of my friends, and I've met all but one of two of his friends multiple times, and we've known each other since the beginning of December. This would throw up more than a red flag to me, more like a big red elephant!! Have you met his family?
Author Butterflying Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 How long have you been dating? I've known him for 3 years through work. We've been dating for 8 months. We just decided be be exclusive at the begining of this year. Until now, I didn't think it was strange not being in his "inner circle" as he calls it. He's a very social person. I just thought that once we made this step foward, he would introduce me to "at least" his closest friends. I've met his family. So why not his friends???
2sunny Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 there must be a reason he keeps it all so separate. his extreme in this area is what would make me uncomfortable and suspicious. when there's nothing to hide - a person doesn't hide anything. so it makes me wonder what he's hiding. has he said what exactly he does when he's with certain friends. i had an old friend like this - and i found out that he was drugging when he was with them and didn't want me to know anything about it, hence the secrecy. he knew i wouldn't have dated him had i known about his activities. so, does he tell you who he's with and what they do when they're together?
Author Butterflying Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 so, does he tell you who he's with and what they do when they're together? No. Nothing. We both have seperate careers where we travel a lot. So I can't be sure of everytime he is with friends. We both dine out a lot (fancy places too). But it's usually business. I've never had a reason to be suspicious until he made a big deal about keeping his friends seperate and private from me.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 No. Nothing. We both have seperate careers where we travel a lot. So I can't be sure of everytime he is with friends. We both dine out a lot (fancy places too). But it's usually business. I've never had a reason to be suspicious until he made a big deal about keeping his friends seperate and private from me. that level of secrecy would be a deal breaker for me. private to an extent is expected - but he's definitely hiding something(s).
Awesome Username Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 You should create a fake account with some skanky model chick and see if he adds her. If so - BUSTED!
Crazy Magnet Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 My hairdresser ran into this situation. The guy in question introduced one girl to all his friends, and one girl to all his family. He continued to date them both (and sleep with them both) for over a year! Anyway, he got caught thanks to not catching where one girl tagged him in a picture on facebook. It's hard to get away with stuff on facebook! I'd force his hands with the friend thing or move on. He should WANT to show you off!
Awesome Username Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 In all honesty, I've never heard of something like this where the guy's not picking up on or seeing other women. Look into it.
bluestraps Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Something is going on , maybe he does'nt want you to meet his friends because he doesnt trust them with you. I dont blame him if thats the case . If so he should find better friends. I wont rule out him hiding other women either. During the 10 years my ex and I were together , we spent a considerable amount of time with friends , (usualy couples) once a week, maybe. It can be a enjoyable and satisfying experence. In general it is good to know the company one keeps. If you cant trust him you've got problems right away
bluestraps Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 To add , As a relationship progresses there should be no secrets.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 he's purposely giving you a solid reason for not trusting him.
phineas Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 You've been dating for almost a yr & he consider's you being on his facebook an invasion of his privacy? My STBXW said the same thing. She was cheating.
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 He is definately hiding something. There is no reason to not want your partner to meet your friends/family and usually be integrated with him. A relationship isn't 2 people that exist only in each others atmosphere; you go to their birthday party, their house, their friends parties, you meet people they know. No, you don't have to meet EVERYONE but chances are you will meet/be aware of most if not everyone they know. I think thats pretty normal. If a guy/girl is closing off boundaries in specific avenues that are normally kept open, this is a sign. For instance one of my friends didn't let her boyfriend of three years ever meet her family but her mother had severe mental problems. She never told her boyfriend this because she was so self-conscious of it, but this completely eroded his contendedness in the relationship. She wasn't doing anything untrustworthy but she was putting her self-consciousness before his happiness and this showed she wasn't ready to be with him and to put their emotional well-being on an equal keel. Normally when people wont add you on facebook its because there's people on there they don't want you to see. I doubt this is his friends but other girls.
New_Life08 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Beware friend!! Big red flag! He wants his cake and eat it too. There is no reason on earth you should not know who each others friends are; unless of course there is something inappropriate going on. In that case he should not seek out a "relationship" he should stay single and count on his secret friends to be with him through thick and thin!
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