friends who date your ex

[and.then.some]

Dating someone I dated, I probably wouldn't care. Dating anyone I had a serious relationship with... I'd say it's pretty obvious that person isn't a real friend. I would never do anything like that. Not only is there an issue of "sloppy seconds", but there are too many men in the world for someone to find a need in creating an awkward situation.

 

Even if a friend had a major crush on a guy, I would still consider him off limits.

[You'reasian]

To ansswer the OP, I wouldn't care - seeing as my ex is an ex for a reason. I like my good friends and would still respect the friendship.

 

If I had zero feelings for the ex, have at him. Except I'd wonder if my friend was a little dumb because she hadn't learned a thing from my bad experience with him..

 

People aren't always the same in one relationship as they are the other.

 

I get along really well with some women; I don't get along well with others.

[TheBigQuestion]

I do agree with meerkat stew as well. Plus, my friends might have had a date or two with a few girls and I wouldn't know, and if I had ask her out I would be oblivious to the fact. But, yes, when I was creating this thread I was thinking about ex as in someone you've had a serious relationship with. And, if my friend dated someone long ago, of course he wouldn't mind if I date her but it's just unlikely that I will as I meet other people as well.

 

As for if the two got together at the expense of your own happiness in the first place.. that's a tough scenario. I guess how they go about it makes a big difference. I would hate to find out from a third party or happen to bump into them somewhere, which would be extremely awkward. Though, if he's your real friend, he would discuss it with you and you may forgive him later.

 

Oh and if I were on good terms with my ex and it's for certain we're friends then I'll hook her up with one of my friends (if she's still single).

 

Well in my situation, the girl and I never became "official" but we did see each other fairly consistently for about 2 months (sex, 4-hour long conversations, going places together, pretty much everything you would expect from a serious relationship), which was followed by a month of her being indecisive and stringing me along. This was done primarily through mostly dodging my attempts to see her, with occasionally being able to hang out with her, as well as sometimes being extremely flirty and sometimes being extremely unresponsive. Eventually I had enough, told her so, and that was it, or so I thought. After about a month I decided that I was willing to forgive her, told her so, and as soon as that happened she started hanging out with my social group, eventually dating one of my friends to this day (and this all happened mid-last year). And yes, I did find out through a third party that they were hooking up. There's a lot of details to this story and I've thought about creating a topic here dedicated to it, but I've refrained from doing so because I don't think anyone on this board would be willing to read a post of the length required to do the story justice.

 

Wonderful, no?

Edited January 21, 2010 by TheBigQuestion

[counterman]

That sounds horrible and I don't think anyone who want to be in your situation. That's the potential thing that can happen. If you feel better about writing it all out and posting it, then go ahead. I'm sure some people can relate.

 

Ex is an ex for a reason but if the break-up wasn't mutual, and you were dumped then it would, no doubt, hurt depending on how soon your ex hooks up with your friend.

 

If I have always thought my friend's ex was attractive, I will too consider her off-limits. There are plenty of girls out there.

[counterman]

The guy I've been suspecting to be foolin' around with my ex just told me that he asked her out and she agreed to.. he told me via IM and just left afterwards.. didn't even give me a chance to say anything ( i wasn't gonna say anything anyways) but thats just cowardly.. i know he's been talking to her for a little while now.. but this..

 

i just feel so ****in bad..

[New_Life08]

Of course it is a matter of opinion...but mine is that friends should find their own fish in the sea and leave the sloppy seconds alone.

[counterman]

I'm so hurt... I feel like crying, but there's this hollow feeling inside..

[New_Life08]

So, do you have a friend dating your ex? Or are you dating your friend's ex? Sorry, I didn't read all the posts (you may have mentioned this)

[counterman]

i have a friend, well not my friend, a ****in jerk..dating my ex..and he just IMs me about it and goes off..

 

i always knew it was gonna happen..even when i was still in the relationship. i knew it..but this one cuts a little too close.

 

i was in the process of getting over her.. and this bombshell happens.

 

i feel so sick and hollow.. they've been talking for a few months and i knew what was going on..but both of them weren't gonna tell me anything.. why should they?

 

he always flirted with her.. and she never respected me enough to tell him to stop..and she has always said that she was only attracted to me even when i knew she was attracted to him all along and she even said she loved me.. i trusted her words over my intuitions..

 

i feel so terrible!

[New_Life08]

i have a friend, well not my friend, a ****in jerk..dating my ex..and he just IMs me about it and goes off..

 

i always knew it was gonna happen..even when i was still in the relationship. i knew it..but this one cuts a little too close.

 

i was in the process of getting over her.. and this bombshell happens.

 

i feel so sick and hollow.. they've been talking for a few months and i knew what was going on..but both of them weren't gonna tell me anything.. why should they?

 

he always flirted with her.. and she never respected me enough to tell him to stop..and she has always said that she was only attracted to me even when i knew she was attracted to him all along and she even said she loved me.. i trusted her words over my intuitions..

 

i feel so terrible!

 

Friends with any moral decency would not trespass where they do not belong. It is probably best if you block the IM's. There is no need to make yourself suffer through the play by play of their dating life. Karma will take care of them later. For now, you need to take care of yourself...sometimes relationships are unhealthy and need to be ended...that includes unhealthy friendships.

 

Hang in there...

[counterman]

Friends with any moral decency would not trespass where they do not belong. It is probably best if you block the IM's. There is no need to make yourself suffer through the play by play of their dating life. Karma will take care of them later. For now, you need to take care of yourself...sometimes relationships are unhealthy and need to be ended...that includes unhealthy friendships.

 

Hang in there...

 

 

That is so true. I'm staying away from all contact with them. It's just so cowardly, the both of them and very deceitful.

 

But you're right, my ex and I were never going to work to start off with. She was always going to go out with this guy even if our relationship didn't have any major hiccups. I was always second-best.

 

I'll be fine. I always knew this was going to happen probably even before they did. It is so sad and painful, but I have to deal with it.

[harmfulsweetz]

Hm. I wouldn't be comfortable with it but if I was totally over the ex, and they were really into each other, I'd try and accept it.

 

I'm sort of in that scenario now, my ex's friend has sort of shown an interest in me. I'm not at all comfortable with said interest, because I know how my ex would feel. I know how I would feel with my friends sniffing around my ex. It's not about them moving on, and finding someone new, more power to them, but its about that someone new being my friend, and I wouldn't know if I could face calling them that. It's a comfort thing, I'm realistic. I wouldn't want my friend dating my ex, not out of jealousy, I just wouldn't. There'd always be that thing where I worried that she liked him before we ended, and it would permanently put a barrier between us. It's just simpler if you stay away from friend's exes. Unless it wasn't serious, and they are so over them.

[counterman]

That's the thing. I knew that my ex was interested in this guy before we even dated. It's just at that time, this guy liked someone else. I had this feeling and it turned out to be right. I brought it up with my ex when we were together and she made promises and said things that I trusted... and it turns out she lied to me just to keep me there until she could have this guy I suppose. She gave me a bull**** reason when she broke up with me as well.

 

When you say really into each other, this is what I think of. That jerk flirting with my ex in front of me when she told me she liked me. She responds to it by teasing back. And then, as soon as we break up, this guy plays it cool a bit of course gives her time to get over me and when the time comes, he chats her up and I knew she was going to be taken in and he knew that he was always gonna get her. Saddest part was I knew even when we were apparently in love with each other. I really did love her. But, now I know that I was always her second best. It hurts so much, even to be so right sometimes.

 

For me, this guy is the type that would do these kinds of things to any of his friends, even the close one. He would ALWAYS put any girl he pursues first and that's definite. To me, he's not great person at all and it's just funny the way he told me. He messages me out of the blue and just goes yep, that's what's happening, so just accept it loser. Of course, what they do with each other or did has nothing to do with me. I don't care. I made a huge mistake with this girl and I have to deal with that.

 

You know, it's funny. These two will get away with so much just because of the way they look. She looks like the innocent type but she is far from that.

 

Like I said, I was in the process of getting over her... and the guy she dates after me is the guy I predicted and knew she was always going to date. He was my friend until I knew what he was up to. In regards to this, he'll think he has a bigger dick and is a complete stud. He loves to compete against guys for a girl and I know he thinks he has "won" this.

 

I'll be fine though. Not gonna bother with a couple of people who are obviously really low.

[meerkat stew]

Sorry this happened to you. Neither one of them are any good. Best wishes getting over this.

[Els]

I honestly think it's a culture thing.

 

I know that in the USA it's one of the worst things you could do.

 

But in other cultures, including mine, there's nothing really wrong with it, assuming that both parties are over each other.

[counterman]

I think if both people are other each other, then it is okay. Nothing can stop your friend from dating your ex and vice versa.

 

What really bothered me is the lie and deceit that was involved. It also makes it awkward for other mutual friends. It was sorta like, okay I'll wait for her to break-up with this guy..give her a few months to get over some stuff and whatever, then I'll strike, knowing that I'll get her for sure. It's just really dishonest for me. If he had asked her out and she rejected him, would he really tell me? I don't think so. It'll be embarrassing. Now, he's just showing off.

 

I'm actually feeling pretty alright about it, not so much sad. But, I would never associate myself with these two again.

 

Thank you meekat and new life for the support.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I’m sorry for you Counterman and I’m touched by your story. I admire your capacity to love.

 

Perhaps thinking about the following will help:

 

1.) Her preference for him does not diminish your attractiveness and appeal to the opposite sex.

 

2.) You can hold your head high – they cannot.

 

3.) There is a better woman for you and I hope your paths cross soon (I know it sounds lame and cheesy but I believe it).

 

4.) He was never your friend. A friend does not flirt with your woman.

 

5.) There will come a day when you don’t care if they are together and you will even hope their relationship succeeds; hard to believe now but it will happen if you allow yourself to heal.

 

6.) The likelihood that their relationship will last is quite low, given how it came to be.

 

7.) If the relationship is long lasting, it means the attraction between them must have been very strong and will somewhat explain why they could not resist; why they were willing to lose you, in order to be together.

 

You must be very careful and in defensive mode should they split and she try to come back to you. She has proven she is not worthy of your love, don’t let her prove it twice.

 

When my heart is broken, it helps me to accept that I am going to feel like crap for an extended period. I do not put unrealistic pressure on myself to “get over it.” In this acceptance, a crappy day is to be expected, normal. Then - when I have a good day, it is quite uplifting, sweet, and I know it means I’m healing. Soon the good days will outnumber the bad.

 

You are the “better” man. It appears you have handled this situation with grace and dignity. You should be proud of yourself.

 

Please know that there are a lot of people who care and support you.

[counterman]

I’m sorry for you Counterman and I’m touched by your story. I admire your capacity to love.

 

Perhaps thinking about the following will help:

 

1.) Her preference for him does not diminish your attractiveness and appeal to the opposite sex.

 

2.) You can hold your head high – they cannot.

 

3.) There is a better woman for you and I hope your paths cross soon (I know it sounds lame and cheesy but I believe it).

 

4.) He was never your friend. A friend does not flirt with your woman.

 

5.) There will come a day when you don’t care if they are together and you will even hope their relationship succeeds; hard to believe now but it will happen if you allow yourself to heal.

 

6.) The likelihood that their relationship will last is quite low, given how it came to be.

 

7.) If the relationship is long lasting, it means the attraction between them must have been very strong and will somewhat explain why they could not resist; why they were willing to lose you, in order to be together.

 

You must be very careful and in defensive mode should they split and she try to come back to you. She has proven she is not worthy of your love, don’t let her prove it twice.

 

When my heart is broken, it helps me to accept that I am going to feel like crap for an extended period. I do not put unrealistic pressure on myself to “get over it.” In this acceptance, a crappy day is to be expected, normal. Then - when I have a good day, it is quite uplifting, sweet, and I know it means I’m healing. Soon the good days will outnumber the bad.

 

You are the “better” man. It appears you have handled this situation with grace and dignity. You should be proud of yourself.

 

Please know that there are a lot of people who care and support you.

 

Thank you for this lovely post! It has made my day even sweeter.

 

That's what I did because I loved her. I trusted her and I gave all of myself to her. I often wondered why, why was it so hard for her to show me that she loved me even though she said she did. Why she couldn't admit that she just didn't feel the same? It became so obvious, but I thought it was all in my head. My insecurities. See, I'm not usually insecure or paranoid and in regards to this matter I turned the other cheek and shrugged it off because she said nothing is wrong and I trusted her.

 

Thanks, I do feel more attractive now, during this process of healing. My confidence is building and I've noticing that my girl friends are enjoying being around me more and more.

 

I don't believe she can ever look me in the eye again. She said some massive things during our relationship. She put her word on the line and made promises and she told me she keeps promises. After this situation occurred, she could not be able to face me. I can't believe I doubted myself. I guess that's what love does to you sometimes. But, I can hold my head up high and smile.

 

I do not believe that sounds cheesy at all and I too believe in it. This experience has taught me what kind of girl I want to have a relationship with. I am wiser and I will not tolerate any girl that is worthy of me. I'll definitely meet someone better.

 

I agree with that. He considered me his friend and, years ago, he showed signs of not being a good one. I played it cool when he did flirt with my ex and I think he was trying very hard to get under my skin. It was almost embarrassing because I knew was he was up to and it just seemed really pathetic. My ex, on the other hand, enjoyed it.

 

I probably don't even care they're together now. Just angry at the dishonesty of it all. They're both very sneaky and deserve each other. If it was meant to be, maybe I would hope their relationship succeeds but, yes, it is hard to believe that I will. There relationship does not matter to me whatsoever. What they do or did just is of no importance to me. If they end up getting married, then fair enough.

 

However, if it does not last, I am not going to reacquaint myself with either of them. No matter what apologies they offer. I think they know this and coming back to me after the relationship fails is just pathetic. They knew the risks when they went through with it. The guy has always been like that. As for my ex, she lied and treated me terribly. No excuses. She knows there's NO chance at all we'll get back together, nor am I going to console her in any way. I'll be stupid if I let her treat me the way she did again.

 

I like the paragraph you said about acceptance. I know I'm probably gonna feel a little bit of pain here and there and definitely anger for a period of time. I'll just continue to live my life and enjoy it with my family and friends. I have been going through the grieving process for a while now and having accepted and assumed that all that has unfolded was always going to happen, I feel quite free knowing that I was right about it and that it wasn't my insecurities (as my ex said it was). So, it's just allows me to let go completely and detach myself without doubting myself and thinking I was to blame for all that has unfolded.

 

Thanks for your support, txsilkysmoothe! I'm truly touched that you were thinking of me.

 

I think I've handled this very well. Not acting too rash and making myself look stupid. If this had happened right after my break-up, who knows how I might have handled it then. This time around, the months I've been putting into myself has paid off and although it hit me, it didn't knock me down or set me back too much.

 

I hope all is going sweet for you too!

[harmfulsweetz]

Your 'friend' sounds like a first class douche. But then, so does your ex. I would look at it like this: 2 douches have found each other and they are both more than welcome. At least you know what their characters are like, it's the snakes we don't know about that are the scary thing, least you know they are snakes.

 

I had an ex once who after I dumped him (he was a waste of space loser) chased three, yes three of my friends! One actually met up with him, although nothing happened, and she only then realized what a douche he was! Some people never fail to amaze.

 

You had a lucky escape, let them live their lives (one or both will hurt the other and more fool them) and move on to bigger and better things. Some people enjoy taking what's not theirs, or what they can't have because it validates them, stupidly. Well, at least you don't need to sniff around someone else's leftovers to feel good.

[counterman]

He is a complete douche bag , and he's not my friend! You're right, I know what they're really like, even though others might not feel the same. But, I have been personally affected. They're both snakes and I'm glad I was able to sniff them out early, except for my who I had suspicions of being like that but never really accepted the idea and always dismissed it because I trusted her.

 

Your ex sounds unbelievable! It's great that your friends realised that he's a douche. I don't know what goes through their minds sometimes but I can guess which certainty why.

 

I think when I got together with my ex, that really wounded him in some way. He did tease her and flirt with her but, still, she ended up with me and he ended up with another girl (why would you flirt with a girl when you like another girl?). It was more of a competition thing. He had to win. But, when it didn't work, he fell back on his own relationship but this one was still a shot at his ego.

 

Some people enjoy taking what's not theirs, or what they can't have because it validates them, stupidly. Well, at least you don't need to sniff around someone else's leftovers to feel good.

 

I couldn't have put it better myself with those last two sentences. He must feel so proud and like a complete stud. It's quite pathetic.

 

Thanks for your post, harmfulsweetz! I will move on to better things and I'm glad you are doing that too!

[citygal1]

In saying that, personally, I would never date anyone my friends have dated. Period.

 

Neither would I. Especially if this was a very good friend.