Zeegagge Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 My ex's are all into chicks now and none of my female friends go that way.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Much more detail needed. How long an ex? Real friend or just acquaintance?
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 He could be the best looking guy I've ever seen, but if he dates one of my friends, he instantly becomes as sexually useful as a Ken Doll to me. Sexuality Level Zero from that day forward.
OceanTropic Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I think if I dated a guy for like a month, and it was nothing serious, I wouldn't mind if my friends dated the same guy. If one of my friends dated my ex with whom I got very serious, and if it was only CASUAL dating, I wouldn't like the idea. However, if my friend genuinely had feelings for this guy, and he did so likewise, I wouldn't stand in the way. After all, we broke up for a reason, maybe some other girl (one who happens to be my friend) could truly make him happy.
Orchid8 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It would be awkward. Any guy that dated my friend is considered "dead" to me and it isn't an issue because my friends feel the same way.
Author counterman Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 You could have been in a relationship for whatever time period. And the friend doesn't have to be a close one too. I agree that I wouldn't like the idea if I just had a serious relationship with my ex. It seems to me that the break-up was always going to happen, regardless of the issues, if my ex dates one of my friends after the break-up, does anyone get me? There was probably always something there between them but someone prevented them from going through with it. That's just one scenario. When you find out about it is when you see them two holding hands at and event. I would not think much of that supposed "friend" - nor would I consider much about my ex either who I probably shouldn't have a relationship in the first place. Like you said OceanTropic, I wouldn't stand in the way. They both won't be worth my effort and time.
Island Girl Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 He could be the best looking guy I've ever seen, but if he dates one of my friends, he instantly becomes as sexually useful as a Ken Doll to me. Sexuality Level Zero from that day forward. Ditto. And if one of my friends did this -- they aren't my friend. There are too many guys in the world to recycle my friends men. Besides I can guarantee I already know all of he very very bad things about him. Nuff said.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 You could have been in a relationship for whatever time period. And the friend doesn't have to be a close one too. Eh, if you go through your relationship life expecting everyone you know not to date any woman you ever date, you are in for lots of needless anger and disappointment. Up to you.
norajane Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 If I had zero feelings for the ex, have at him. Except I'd wonder if my friend was a little dumb because she hadn't learned a thing from my bad experience with him. If I had any residual feelings for the ex, whether they be positive or negative, then friend should stay away from the guy. And if she doesn't, she's not really a friend.
Author counterman Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 If it's a few dates with a girl, I don't think I would mind but like I said to date a girl who I have had a serious relationship with right after we broke up, I'm sorry but that cuts a little close to the heart. In saying that, personally, I would never date anyone my friends have dated. Period. My ex once said to me, when we were still together, "I would never date any of your friends and I'm far more capable of meeting new people" - which is pretty funny that I believed it then but not so much now.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I have two best girlfriends and a few fairly close friends who, at one point in time, dated one of my ex's. These guys introduced me to the girls, and I hit it off with the girls way better than the guys. I don't stay "friends" with guys I date, so when the relationship ended, the guy exited stage left, but the girls are still the kind of girls I talk to every day. None of us girls knew each other before I started dating the now ex's though.
Bejita463 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Besides I can guarantee I already know all of he very very bad things about him. Heard would be a better choice of wording than know. Rarely do people make themselves out to be the villain. The other side of the story you didn't hear would probably come out much differently. The truth is more likely to be somewhere in the middle.
TheBigQuestion Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 The two most important factors that determine whether or not one of your friends dating your ex is acceptable are: 1. How it ended between you and your ex. 2. How straightforward your friend and your ex were to you about their desire to go out. If you and a person you were dating had a really bad (or relatively recent) falling out, it should generally not be accepted by you. That just shows an extreme amount of disrespect and is most certainly not the behavior of a friend. Also, no matter what the circumstances, this is something that your friend (and more idealistically, your ex) should discuss with you, not to the degree of asking for permission, but to simply discuss the possibilities and the consequences of such actions. I unfortunately am stuck in an awkward social situation where I cannot realistically shun a friend who did just this to me.
Confusedalways Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 He could be the best looking guy I've ever seen, but if he dates one of my friends, he instantly becomes as sexually useful as a Ken Doll to me. Sexuality Level Zero from that day forward. exactly this. I think it's insanely crappy for a friend to do that to another friend. It blows my mind, quite frankly.
PinkToes Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 In saying that, personally, I would never date anyone my friends have dated. Period. Ditto. Just not worth it.
TheBigQuestion Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Ditto. Just not worth it. You're a better person than one of my friends:)
Author counterman Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 The two most important factors that determine whether or not one of your friends dating your ex is acceptable are: 1. How it ended between you and your ex. 2. How straightforward your friend and your ex were to you about their desire to go out. If you and a person you were dating had a really bad (or relatively recent) falling out, it should generally not be accepted by you. That just shows an extreme amount of disrespect and is most certainly not the behavior of a friend. Also, no matter what the circumstances, this is something that your friend (and more idealistically, your ex) should discuss with you, not to the degree of asking for permission, but to simply discuss the possibilities and the consequences of such actions. I unfortunately am stuck in an awkward social situation where I cannot realistically shun a friend who did just this to me. That is so true and I agree with you 100% on that matter. Before my relationship with my ex, there was always this guy who use to flirt with her and tease her. Even though she told me she liked me, she would just go along with it. Anywho, when we broke up (it was a pretty bad falling out), I'm pretty sure she's been flirting and hanging out with this guy (who supposedly was my friend). I've told her all about him and the way he is ('cause he has caused people to break up before), so I'm guessing he knows how I feel about him. It is extremely disrespectful and, like Confusedalways said, it just blows my mind.. it's like "wtf?:mad:". They both won't be discussing anything with me that's for sure They're both really secretive and sneaky, and I'm not getting my hands in that mess. She treated me pretty badly anyways, so they're both aren't worth my effort. You're right PinkToes, it isn't worth it at all.
Clep Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 When I met my current bf I also met his closest friend. His friend asked me out on a date and it was terrible. He asked me out again and I went as I believe in second chances. It was terrible again. We never went out again. My bf and I started seeing each other numerous months later and his friend was very angry with that saying I was his girl first. Well since we never kissed or had a good time I would not say I was his girl first. If there were feelings involved I would say it is not okay. For me that is the line.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 There is a reason why the old cliche' "All's fair in love and war" is repeated frequently, as there are so many gray areas. I have acquaintances who I am sure would be angry if I ever dated a woman they had dated. Too bad, that's their unreasonableness, their problem. Should you start dating your best friend's ex fiance the week they break up? Of course not. Should you hesitate to date someone merely because they dated a friend of yours for three months twenty years ago? Of course not. Many different situations fall between these two extremes, which is why dating friends' exes is best handled case by case and not with general rules. I have missed out on at least two potentially great relationships in life due to trying to maintain loyalty to friends. For example, years ago my best friend had a puppy dog crush on a girl who did not, and would never return his feelings, but he knew she wanted me and vice versa, yet made it clear that he wanted me to stay away from her. I did, and missed out on a relationship that would likely have been long term, and maybe led to marriage. In retrospect I realize how selfish my friend was being, he knew he had no chance with her, yet sacrificed his best friend's happiness in favor of his own pride and vanity. I do things differently now, and my friendships haven't suffered at all as a result. In fact they are stronger because they are more real. Any true friend values their friends' happiness as much as their own, and will not stand in the way of that happiness out of pride, vanity, a mistake they made, or some feeling in the past. We live in the present and future, not the past.
Clep Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I do things differently now, and my friendships haven't suffered at all as a result. In fact they are stronger because they are more real. Any true friend values their friends' happiness as much as their own, and will not stand in the way of that happiness out of pride, vanity, a mistake they made, or some feeling in the past. We live in the present and future, not the past. I agree with this completely.
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Despite the fact that I have never found my friends' exes to be romantically interesting, I HAVE fixed up a couple friends with exes of mine when I saw their interest and compatibility. Only once has a friend jumped on someone I really cared about quickly after we ended. It did hurt, but that was because it was so fresh and tactless of her IMO. I gave it a good try at being cool with it but it did put a strain on our friendship. Then they broke up and I found out she had jumped in his bed less than a week after our break up and hidden it from me. YUK! Haven't spoken to her since.... One that note though, my now husband met me through his roomie whom I had had a few dates with about a year prior. I guess the broader view of this kind of situation is more about timing and how deeply one was invested in the relationship that failed, but for me - I've never recycled a friend's old flame.
paddington bear Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 A very good female friend starting going out with my ex...about a month after he and I split from a 4 and a half year relationship. I was happy we had split up, thought she and he would be better as a couple than he and I, but hated the idea of him repeating personal details about me to her, that I might not care for her to know. From the day that she started seeing him, without telling me (I heard from a 3rd party in front of a group of people, which was horrible), she never spoke another word to me, never answered the phone, just cut me out of her life. From guilt I think. I didn't care that she got with my ex, but I did care that she didn't at least have the decency to tell me and I lost a friendship over it...in retrospect probably just as well to have lost that friendship if that is the cowardly way she behaves.
TheBigQuestion Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 There is a reason why the old cliche' "All's fair in love and war" is repeated frequently, as there are so many gray areas. I have acquaintances who I am sure would be angry if I ever dated a woman they had dated. Too bad, that's their unreasonableness, their problem. Should you start dating your best friend's ex fiance the week they break up? Of course not. Should you hesitate to date someone merely because they dated a friend of yours for three months twenty years ago? Of course not. Many different situations fall between these two extremes, which is why dating friends' exes is best handled case by case and not with general rules. I have missed out on at least two potentially great relationships in life due to trying to maintain loyalty to friends. For example, years ago my best friend had a puppy dog crush on a girl who did not, and would never return his feelings, but he knew she wanted me and vice versa, yet made it clear that he wanted me to stay away from her. I did, and missed out on a relationship that would likely have been long term, and maybe led to marriage. In retrospect I realize how selfish my friend was being, he knew he had no chance with her, yet sacrificed his best friend's happiness in favor of his own pride and vanity. I do things differently now, and my friendships haven't suffered at all as a result. In fact they are stronger because they are more real. Any true friend values their friends' happiness as much as their own, and will not stand in the way of that happiness out of pride, vanity, a mistake they made, or some feeling in the past. We live in the present and future, not the past. In the situation you described, I can certainly agree with you. If it's something that happened many years ago, I also can agree that it shouldn't be much of an issue. But to be honest, if something had happened between your friend and this woman where there were feelings involved on both sides, that's pretty much where I'd have to draw the line. If the woman in question did something to seriously hurt or screw over your friend, that's also a definite no-no. Up until this sort of thing happened to me, I always thought it was common sense. What you say about friendship goes both ways. How much am I supposed to sacrifice for the sake of my friend's happiness, especially if the way these two got together was at the expense of my happiness to begin with?
Author counterman Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I do agree with meerkat stew as well. Plus, my friends might have had a date or two with a few girls and I wouldn't know, and if I had ask her out I would be oblivious to the fact. But, yes, when I was creating this thread I was thinking about ex as in someone you've had a serious relationship with. And, if my friend dated someone long ago, of course he wouldn't mind if I date her but it's just unlikely that I will as I meet other people as well. As for if the two got together at the expense of your own happiness in the first place.. that's a tough scenario. I guess how they go about it makes a big difference. I would hate to find out from a third party or happen to bump into them somewhere, which would be extremely awkward. Though, if he's your real friend, he would discuss it with you and you may forgive him later. Oh and if I were on good terms with my ex and it's for certain we're friends then I'll hook her up with one of my friends (if she's still single).
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