pandagirl Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I'm dating someone that could be headed towards something more meaningful. Another guy and I had a very brief but friendly fling YEARS ago have remained in touch over the years, seeing each other a few times a year to catch up. Nothing romantic has happened between us in the last three years -- completely platonic. We are supposed to meet up next week for our bi-annual catch up drink. Do I need to tell the current guy I'm dating about this and disclose that it is someone I dated years ago?
hoping2heal Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I'm dating someone that could be headed towards something more meaningful. Another guy and I had a very brief but friendly fling YEARS ago have remained in touch over the years, seeing each other a few times a year to catch up. Nothing romantic has happened between us in the last three years -- completely platonic. We are supposed to meet up next week for our bi-annual catch up drink. Do I need to tell the current guy I'm dating about this and disclose that it is someone I dated years ago? Should you tell him? Yes.
bananaboat11 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Should you tell him? Yes. x 2 I agree with this.
Art_Critic Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Do you need to go on the bi-annual catchup drink at all ? Personally I would think you would want to protect what you are building with the new guy and not risk hurting him and tearing it down.. I say that this year you blow off the guy you used to bang in order to help the budding relationship with the new guy..
Confusedalways Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Definitely. You never know... what if he walks in the place while you're out with him? Long shot- but it's best just to be upfront.
Island Girl Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Headed towards something more meaningful -- Yes. Hiding things is not a good idea in a relationship new or not. Honesty is the best policy. Does it have to be a big speech or involved talk? No. Should you extend the invitation to him to go along? Yes.
jerbear Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I suggest you tell the guy you are dating about the drinks. I for one want my SO to have her own life and friends. So the guy you are dating view's should be taken in to account. He needs to know that you've had a friendly (& platonic) event going on for awhile. Now the question is will BOTH guys know about each other? AND one day will they meet? If you say no to either question then you need to re-evaluate both relationships.
carhill Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 IMO, since this is a regular occurrence, at some point your dating partner, if this develops, will meet this friend and will assume you've been having contact all along, as friends. Each man processes that information differently. I can tell you, if I was seeing a lady with whom I had been intimate with in the past on a regular basis, I'd be open about that with someone I'm dating, just the same as I would regarding meeting up with any other friend. I wouldn't go into any details regarding the past intimacy, as that period was over long ago. This current guy seemed to handle your HSV disclosure well, so I'd leverage off that. Good luck.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Are you exclusive by agreement with the guy you are dating? If not, none of his business whom you talk to, meet up with, or for that matter whatever you do when you aren't together.
Author pandagirl Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I suggest you tell the guy you are dating about the drinks. I for one want my SO to have her own life and friends. So the guy you are dating view's should be taken in to account. He needs to know that you've had a friendly (& platonic) event going on for awhile. Now the question is will BOTH guys know about each other? AND one day will they meet? If you say no to either question then you need to re-evaluate both relationships. I would have no problem inviting current guy to these drinks and him meeting old flame. And I will definitely talk about my love life with old flame, as our current love lives are usually a topic of discussion. I'm just wondering if it's more trouble than it's worth.
Mr White Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 You shouldn't tell AND - more importantly - you shouldn't go for those drinks to begin with .
jerbear Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I would have no problem inviting current guy to these drinks and him meeting old flame. And I will definitely talk about my love life with old flame, as our current love lives are usually a topic of discussion. I'm just wondering if it's more trouble than it's worth. It is but that is part of life. Having old flame/friend versus current flame/something more and your own friends versus your own life. It is an decision between friends and lover. I still stand by my suggestion of telling current flame and as you say invite your current guy to the drinks. See what your current guy decides. Hypothetically, I'll be honest, if I was your current guy, I want you to offer the invitation but I won't go. I would want you to go talk to your platonic friend. You still need your own friends and life. It is good to meet each other's confidants, close friends, and inner circle; one day.
Art_Critic Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It is but that is part of life. Having old flame/friend versus current flame/something more and your own friends versus your own life. It is an decision between friends and lover. I still stand by my suggestion of telling current flame and as you say invite your current guy to the drinks. See what your current guy decides. Hypothetically, I'll be honest, if I was your current guy, I want you to offer the invitation but I won't go. I would want you to go talk to your platonic friend. You still need your own friends and life. It is good to meet each other's confidants, close friends, and inner circle; one day. I think she shouldn't even go.. I do like your post but think that the fact that she and the new guy haven't had sex yet will be damaged by her having drinks with someone she used to swap bodily fluids with.. Maybe in a couple of months or the next b-annual meetup will be a better time to introduce the new guy to the old guy but right now I think the new guy will have a problem with it..
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I'm dating someone that could be headed towards something more meaningful. Another guy and I had a very brief but friendly fling YEARS ago have remained in touch over the years, seeing each other a few times a year to catch up. Nothing romantic has happened between us in the last three years -- completely platonic. We are supposed to meet up next week for our bi-annual catch up drink. Do I need to tell the current guy I'm dating about this and disclose that it is someone I dated years ago? If it isn't meaningful or serious yet, you don't have to tell him the gory details of your associations with this old flame/friend. You should be able to mention this guy as simply a friend. Nothing has happened in the last three years and if you have no intention of that changing, then the guy is just a friend. You just let him know you are meeting an old friend for a drink if the guy you are dating asks to see you during the time for your meet up. OR should he ask later what all you've done in the last couple of days. WHEN you do become serious, that is when you fill in details about how you know who you know. Otherwise a bunch of folks you never got to know that well end up knowing your entire dating life history. While you are dating, you talk about things like this (staying friends with exes/old FWB) and see if your views on it are compatible.
jerbear Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I think she shouldn't even go.. I do like your post but think that the fact that she and the new guy haven't had sex yet will be damaged by her having drinks with someone she used to swap bodily fluids with.. Maybe in a couple of months or the next b-annual meetup will be a better time to introduce the new guy to the old guy but right now I think the new guy will have a problem with it.. Based on this, don't tell the new guy. It depends on the dynamics of the relationship between the current guy and her. If they swapped and combined calendars then he'll know and she can invite and current guy decide. If both are something more; beyond dating but not exclusive; then she can tell the current guy that she is meeting an old friend for drinks; current guy not invited but has been notified. He might get hurt yes, maybe scared, ego bruised but a guy has to realize (doesn't have to like it) that his SO has guy friends.
hoping2heal Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I agree with art critic. Why do you even have to go? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
Author pandagirl Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Well, it's interesting, because on my second ever date with current guy, he took me to a holiday party. Before we went he told me: "Full disclosure, I dated a girl that works there three years ago, but we are still friends today." It wasn't necessary at the time, but I really appreciated his honesty, and I'd like to return that sentiment in regards to this other guy. I just don't want to mess anything up with current guy. He's more important to me than old flame.
OceanTropic Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I don't think you HAVE to. Don't just go and blurt it to him, he might become insecure and asks unnecessary questions. If he asks though, tell him the truth. Otherwise, just say you're going for drinks with an old friend. After all, its platonic and its been years since you did anything even close to romantic.
Art_Critic Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Well, it's interesting, because on my second ever date with current guy, he took me to a holiday party. Before we went he told me: "Full disclosure, I dated a girl that works there three years ago, but we are still friends today." It wasn't necessary at the time, but I really appreciated his honesty, and I'd like to return that sentiment in regards to this other guy. I just don't want to mess anything up with current guy. He's more important to me than old flame. Based on this if you do go then you know what the answer is.. full disclosure.. I would say though that having drinks with an ex is different than being at a party with a new girl and mentioning you used to date someone who works there. How would you have felt if he decided to split from you at the party for a couple of hours and go have a catchup drink with his ex.
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Well, it's interesting, because on my second ever date with current guy, he took me to a holiday party. Before we went he told me: "Full disclosure, I dated a girl that works there three years ago, but we are still friends today." It wasn't necessary at the time, but I really appreciated his honesty, and I'd like to return that sentiment in regards to this other guy. I just don't want to mess anything up with current guy. He's more important to me than old flame. But he told you that BECAUSE he was bringing you around her. If you are bringing the guy to have a drink with old flame dude - then YES I can see it being well played to tell him. But telling him just to tell him will seem like TMI for no real reason. It would be like he showed up on your first date and told you about the girl at his job with no real relevancy.
Author pandagirl Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Based on this if you do go then you know what the answer is.. full disclosure.. I would say though that having drinks with an ex is different than being at a party with a new girl and mentioning you used to date someone who works there. How would you have felt if he decided to split from you at the party for a couple of hours and go have a catchup drink with his ex. Him and this girl hang out regularly.
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 How about this: Just tell him that you really appreciated him being up front and honest with you about the girl at his job and his history with her. Then tell him you want to extend the same respect to him in an effort to set it as a tone for future deals. Tell him you also have a friend like this and you intend to have plans to go have a drink with this friend. Offer him an open invite should he ever like to be introduced. That way he is aware and knows why you are making him aware. It also lets him know you are keen to a relationship where full disclosure is welcomed. It might make him feel more at ease with you for future potentially awkward issues.
Stung Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 IMO, you stand more of a chance of messing things up by keeping him in the dark here. I would tell him you plan to have drinks with a friend who you used to date, and then reassure him that your romantic focus is set on him, not the old friend, and ask if he'd like to join you.
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