HurtinginVA Posted December 29, 2003 Posted December 29, 2003 Its been about 3 weeks or so since I found out my husband had an affair. There are so many unanswered questions!! The "OW" was actually a little girl (18) who lives in another city (2 hours away) So I dont even know what she looks like. It's almost like my husband is keeping a secret from me since he knows SOOOOO much more about what happened than I do. It makes him very uncomfortable to talk about it, which is why I havent asked all of the questions that I have.......but should I? Does it make it easier to deal with, if you know the details? I dont want to know EVERYTHING (like detailed sexscapades or anything) but Id like to know what kinds of things they did together (like going out to eat? partying? shopping? what?) I dunno, what do you guys think? Is it better to know everything, or just know the basics and move forward. We are trying to reconcile so I dont want to make things worse..............
Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Posted December 29, 2003 I am a firm believer in knowing everything. Even down to graphic details. I found out my ex cheated on me and I rang up the girl he was with and asked her very graphic details. I thank her now, because if I hadn't known I would always be 'what iff'ing' as you have said you are on your other thread. She told me things such as 'He doesn't like wearing condoms' and 'he hates kissing during sex'. Only someone who had had sex with him would know that, so I knew she was telling the truth. But, if you find out the truth, every last detail, will it allow you to know and move on, or will you just dwell on it more? People will say it hurts more if you know, but it doesn't matter if you know ir not, it will still hurt. Good luck.
Tahoe_Insomniac Posted December 29, 2003 Posted December 29, 2003 Its important that you DO get all the secrets from him.. that way you will feel that THEY no longer have anything special together that is just between them... if you know it all it makes you inclusive again... instead of being excluded. That really helps on the start of the road to rebuilding trust. Im in the process of getting all that info (slowly) from my girlf but she finds it hard to talk about as she is mortified as to what she has done to our relationship. So many times she answers "I don't know" to questions... but of course she knows! She knows everything that went on... you don't forget things like that. So I won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. I have given her a couple of weeks to tell me all... otherwise I am going to say goodbye. I really want to be with her but she has to work harder than I do to rebuild this... I'm already working hard to work out where I went wrong.. and talk to her about this. So yes.. I think you need to get ALL the answers if you do want to move on past this. You have to build a full image otherwise the not knowing will eat you up. If you know you can put it in a mental box and thrown it away. No need to worry about it anymore after that. I found some keep sakes she had kept from the relationship... birthday cards... hotel stubbs... etc.. I found it helpful that we destroyed them together... and that she wanted to help out with that.... it showed me that she wanted to get rid of them too... although I still have questions as to why she kept them in the first place. Can I ask a couple of questions....? to you.. HURTINGinVA... 1. how do you think you will move past all this .. or have you called it off? 2. How did you find out about what had happened? and to you.. KAT.... did the cheating end your relationship? Hope things are better soon... T_I x
bark Posted December 29, 2003 Posted December 29, 2003 I agree with kat, get as much information as you can about the extramarital relationship no matter the pain. Do this because then your husband will no longer have a bond of secrets with the "other woman." It is that confidentiality bond that usually precedes the sexual affair. Intimate friendship is frequently a gateway to a consummated affair. Coitus follows confidences as night follows day. You must break through that wall of secret intimacies by getting as much info as you can. For the betrayed spouse, knowledge is power. Good luck.
Errol Posted December 29, 2003 Posted December 29, 2003 Everyone approaches it differently. Sometimes when we know everything then we can let it go without the nagging wondering. Wondering if they shared this activity/ or that place. Knowing the details can help avoid places or topics that will hurt during the reconcilation period. Not knowing and seeing your SO try to avoid those topics/places will just put more questions and doubt in your mind. Why is he/she not talking about that? Was it special between them? What does she/he know about her/him that I don't know? Knowlede is power. But, sometimes people want to go on trust and rebuild that trust and will dwell on the specifics until it eats them away inside - so they would rather not know all the details, or wish that they didn't. Start small -- asking small questions about specific places, dates, times, foods, activities -- don't try to get all of the information right away. See how you feel and react to the information you do get and then decide if you want to know more.
Summerday Posted December 29, 2003 Posted December 29, 2003 Get all the details... Nothing shared between the two of them should be kept a secret anymore, he owes every answer to you. Good luck I hope everything works out for you.
Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Posted December 29, 2003 Originally posted by Tahoe_Insomniac and to you.. KAT.... did the cheating end your relationship? The violence made me leave, the cheating made it a lot easier to stay away
JustBeinBlonde Posted December 30, 2003 Posted December 30, 2003 Originally posted by Kat The violence made me leave, the cheating made it a lot easier to stay away Kat, I admire your stregnth in leaving a bad situation. Sending you good energy and smiles. -JBB
AprilFool Posted December 30, 2003 Posted December 30, 2003 Like everyone said, it helps you to feel like there is nothing "secret and/or special" between them, because you know all the details....however, I've found myself to be very irrational. If I were you, I'd PM moimeme.....she ALWAYS has the best advice.
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