After 25 years want to move on

[blueeyes1961]

I have been married for 25 years to the second girl I ever dated, and am 48 years old...we have sons of 22 and 21, and a daughter of 11.

 

I have never been confrontational, and things have built up over the years. I have hated my career for 20 years, but when I mention doing something else, she never responds.

 

she stayed home with the kids a lot, but is currently working 20-25 hours a week in my office (I am a CPA)

 

She always talks about how tight money is, but never offers to get a full time job, just tells me we need to spend less. I make about 70k and she makes 8k.

I feel all the pressures of being the breadwinner, stuck in a career I despise, and with no options. A hamster on a wheel.

 

We have had sex about 10 times in the past 10 years, and it's a mutual lack of desire, I think.

 

I have never been able to talk to her, ever, about anything serious. We are more like roommates than married folks. I like her as a person but have no romantic interest in her at all anymore.

 

We have absolutely nothing in common other than our children. I like camping, hiking, golfing, bodybuilding, watching sports on TV, Irish traditional music, bicycling. She hates all of it. We do nothing at night except sit on the couch, me on my laptop, her reading a book.

 

It has just gotten to be a miserable life but not horrible. We never talk so therefore we never fight or yell.

 

Up until a few months ago, I had never been unfaithful, but then I met someone I have fallen madly in love with, who shares everything with me...I have talked to her more in 6 months than my wife and I have in 28 years of dating and marriage, and about very serious topics...this lady knows more about me than anyone.

 

I know what I am doing is wrong, very wrong, but I feel like I can finally be happy for once in my life. I know I want out and want to move on and be with this woman.

 

I do not want to hurt my wife, but I don't know what else to do than to ask out. She has no earthly idea that I am this unhappy I am sure. She can have everything I own and 50% of my earnings for all I care. I can live in a camper if I have to...I don't give a damn about money at all.

 

I am not willing to go to counseling, my mind is made up that I want out, I just can't bring myself to hurt people. My best friend says I am so nonconfrontational that he is not sure I can ever pull the trigger.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

Edited January 19, 2010 by blueeyes1961

[blueeyes1961]

I know I am going to get roasted based on the other threads I am browsing, but I still want the post to stay up. I have not always been this evil of a man, and I am in a bad place right now, I just wanted to get my feelings out. I am going to screw someone over no matter what I do now, and it's my own damn fault.

[GorillaTheater]

Let's dispense with a few myths right away:

• There is no such things as "the one" or "the soulmate" or anything like that. That's trite Hollywood/romance novel crap;
  
• Cheating is never ok. Full stop.
  
• You will get caught. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you can bet your last tank of gas that sooner or later the truth is going to leak out.
  
• Your relationship with this other woman is not "different" or "special" or anything like that. It might feel like that, but feelings lie. All the time
  
• You cannot get away with this guilt-free. Again, maybe not today or tomorrow, but this is going to come back and haunt you, probably at the worst possible time.
  

You're a cheater now. Stop immediately and face your problems head on. Cheating is the ultimate and most damaging form of betrayal. If your marriage is so far gone that you find yourself able to cheat, file for divorce today.

 

I think you are too weak and frightened to pursue divorce on your own but think that if you can lean on her you can do it. Where will that put you in the end? You will not be a better man. More than likely, you will be even weaker and farther from the target than ever. Anyone can take a risk when they have an insurance policy.

 

The way to grow and become stronger is to take the risk and the suffer the consequences. Only then will you learn that you can be on your own and be OK. Until you get there, you are doomed to have unfulfilling and troubled relationships with women.

 

You think the OW is "The One"? You are the one, not her. By being the best man you can be and remaining true to who you are you will have found your soul mate. Yourself. When you have reached this point, you will be able to make a true connection with the right woman. The secret to a healthy relationship is want not need. Be together because you both want to, not because one needs the other.

 

Is she married too?

[blueeyes1961]

She is divorced....not sure I would say I consider her a soulmate, but it sure is nice to have someone who listens and talks back, who likes sex, and who shares interests with me.

 

I am screwed no matter what. I will never have a healthy marriage now because of what I have done. It sucked before, now it's really going to be bad. I am tired of no sex, no love, no commonality, etc. I haven't even kissed my wife in 2 years, and have never held hands or hugged in that time. It is just not a good situation, no matter what.

 

You are right I should file for divorce because I am not that guilty feeling at all. I suspected I would be racked with it, but I am not. If it makes me evil, so be it.

 

I am hating life more and more every day and it was long before the affair that I was miserable.

 

I am a good dad, terrible husband.

 

Thanks for helping me understand how screwed up I am...seriously.

Edited January 19, 2010 by blueeyes1961

[GorillaTheater]

So maybe the affair is just one more f*cked up instance in a generally f*cked up life. I get that, really. But what you need to do is find your balls, hang on tight, forget being a "victim" of your wife, circumstances, or anything else, and take control of your life.

 

If your marriage truly sucks that badly, end it. If you truly don't care about money, that gives you alot of freedom to change careers and find something you like.

 

Take control of your life. And plan on doing it alone for a while.

[StalledGirl]

I think you cheated because you were looking for a way out of your marriage but lacked courage to just tell your wife you wanted out.

It's wrong cheating , I don't know if you have a future with this woman but your marriage has been over for a long time ,so it's time to confess and move on before you make other people as miserable as you are.

I don't think you are evil for cheating on your wife but you come across as selfish.

[norajane]

You think the OW is "The One"? You are the one, not her. By being the best man you can be and remaining true to who you are you will have found your soul mate. Yourself. When you have reached this point, you will be able to make a true connection with the right woman. The secret to a healthy relationship is want not need. Be together because you both want to, not because one needs the other.

This is so true. There was nothing stopping you from camping, hiking, golfing, bodybuilding, watching sports on TV, Irish traditional music, bicycling. You could have done all of that with your buddies, or by yourself. Don't blame your wife for an unfulfilling life when you chose to sit at home on your laptop. You have yourself to blame for that.

 

I bring it up because this OW is not your salvation, either. You can't rely on someone else to give you a life or to be your life. You have to rely on yourself, love yourself, and be the best person you can be. If you don't, your new relationships will fizzle because you place too much burden on the other person to make you whole.

 

In any case, it's time to talk to your wife and file for divorce. Man up and do it. There is no other answer here.

[hopeless4u]

This sounds similar to my xMM.

 

My only advice is to tell your W you want out now, before it all gets messy.

 

My xMM has let things get messy because he couldn't stand huting people but now, everyone is hurting, especially me. If you care for your OW and really don't want her to hurt as well as your family then find your backbone and do the right thing.

 

My xMM has completely ripped my heart out and stamped on it, over and over and thats not the actions of someone who cares.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh but its the truth.

[blueeyes1961]

So maybe the affair is just one more f*cked up instance in a generally f*cked up life. I get that, really. But what you need to do is find your balls, hang on tight, forget being a "victim" of your wife, circumstances, or anything else, and take control of your life.

 

If your marriage truly sucks that badly, end it. If you truly don't care about money, that gives you alot of freedom to change careers and find something you like.

 

Take control of your life. And plan on doing it alone for a while.

 

Points taken. Funny thing is, if I do this, I can't change careers because I will have to pay so much support and alimony.

 

I think you cheated because you were looking for a way out of your marriage but lacked courage to just tell your wife you wanted out.

It's wrong cheating , I don't know if you have a future with this woman but your marriage has been over for a long time ,so it's time to confess and move on before you make other people as miserable as you are.

I don't think you are evil for cheating on your wife but you come across as selfish.

 

I guess I am pretty selfish. Caving and not ever confronting my marital problems led to me finally becoming the selfish person I am now. Like I said, I know it's my own damn fault.

 

This is so true. There was nothing stopping you from camping, hiking, golfing, bodybuilding, watching sports on TV, Irish traditional music, bicycling. You could have done all of that with your buddies, or by yourself. Don't blame your wife for an unfulfilling life when you chose to sit at home on your laptop. You have yourself to blame for that.

 

I bring it up because this OW is not your salvation, either. You can't rely on someone else to give you a life or to be your life. You have to rely on yourself, love yourself, and be the best person you can be. If you don't, your new relationships will fizzle because you place too much burden on the other person to make you whole.

 

In any case, it's time to talk to your wife and file for divorce. Man up and do it. There is no other answer here.

 

No, you misunderstand, I do many of those activities, just would love doing them with my wife, not alone or with buddies. I sit at home on the laptop too, but not always.

 

Anyway, I do appreciate the tough love. I don't consider myself an evil person, just very very messed up.

[blueeyes1961]

This sounds similar to my xMM.

 

My only advice is to tell your W you want out now, before it all gets messy.

 

My xMM has let things get messy because he couldn't stand huting people but now, everyone is hurting, especially me. If you care for your OW and really don't want her to hurt as well as your family then find your backbone and do the right thing.

 

My xMM has completely ripped my heart out and stamped on it, over and over and thats not the actions of someone who cares.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh but its the truth.

 

Yes, I know...I do not want to put the OW through any more, and my wife definitely doesn't deserve what I have done to her. I do often wonder if we would both be happier 5 years from now if we split. Maybe she would find someone who deserves her.

 

OW wants to know if I am going to leave my wife or not so she can move on with life and not be left hanging. That's got to be done by tomorrow at the latest. I am not sure about the abbreviations on here yet, xMM?

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks for helping me understand how screwed up I am...seriously.

 

You're welcome. Look man, I could be you. 47, married for 26 years. Things got kind of rough for a while. I was depressed, felt like I wasn't much more than a wallet, emotional distance from my wife, job not providing the satisfaction it used to, just generally dissatisfied with where I was. Sort of a mini midlife crisis, I guess. But I got some good advice early on: that changing the things in my life that needed to be changed was all on me, MY responsibility. It's an ongoing journey, but one that I'm very glad to be on.

 

Here's the good news: it's not too late for you.

[hopeless4u]

Yes, I know...I do not want to put the OW through any more, and my wife definitely doesn't deserve what I have done to her. I do often wonder if we would both be happier 5 years from now if we split. Maybe she would find someone who deserves her.

 

OW wants to know if I am going to leave my wife or not so she can move on with life and not be left hanging. That's got to be done by tomorrow at the latest. I am not sure about the abbreviations on here yet, xMM?

 

 

I get where you are coming from, I really do. I supported my xMM(x married man) for 2yrs because he was 'confused'.

 

We went to hell and back together and still are but if we'd of known about this forum then maybe things would of been different.

 

You will get bashed on here (ignore, I do) but you will also get some good insight. Just remember not every situation is the same but a lot are similar.

 

I just hope you do the right thing, please think about YOUR happiness for the future. My xMM biggest problem is he feels guilt for hurting his family by putting his own happiness first.

[blueeyes1961]

I get where you are coming from, I really do. I supported my xMM(x married man) for 2yrs because he was 'confused'.

 

We went to hell and back together and still are but if we'd of known about this forum then maybe things would of been different.

 

You will get bashed on here (ignore, I do) but you will also get some good insight. Just remember not every situation is the same but a lot are similar.

 

I just hope you do the right thing, please think about YOUR happiness for the future. My xMM biggest problem is he feels guilt for hurting his family by putting his own happiness first.

 

I feel really guilty more for wanting out of my marriage than for the affair itself. I am supposed to take care of my family and won't be doing so if I leave. I always used to do the "right thing", but now I want to be happy.

 

What do you mean by doing the right thing, ending my marriage now so that it doesn't drag out and get even worse later when it finally ends?

[norajane]

I feel really guilty more for wanting out of my marriage than for the affair itself. I am supposed to take care of my family and won't be doing so if I leave. I always used to do the "right thing", but now I want to be happy.

 

What do you mean by doing the right thing, ending my marriage now so that it doesn't drag out and get even worse later when it finally ends?

 

How are you taking care of your family by staying and cheating? You are lying to and deceiving your family.

 

And you are dragging OW through the mud as long as she is an affair that you have to sneak around and hide. Which, eventually, you will get caught and your kids will hate her for it.

[blueeyes1961]

How are you taking care of your family by staying and cheating? You are lying to and deceiving your family.

 

And you are dragging OW through the mud as long as she is an affair that you have to sneak around and hide. Which, eventually, you will get caught and your kids will hate her for it.

 

Exactly why it's time to fish or cut bait. I am tired of deceiving my wife and tired of stringing out the OW, neither deserve it. Not to mention the stress on me that is not showing outwardly but I am sure is eating my body alive right now.

 

Stay and not cheat

vs

divorce

 

as my best friend told me in different terms:

 

lifetime of miserable

vs

1 year of extremely miserable

 

the only two options.

Edited January 19, 2010 by blueeyes1961

[hopeless4u]

I feel really guilty more for wanting out of my marriage than for the affair itself. I am supposed to take care of my family and won't be doing so if I leave. I always used to do the "right thing", but now I want to be happy.

 

What do you mean by doing the right thing, ending my marriage now so that it doesn't drag out and get even worse later when it finally ends?

 

I'm not sure I'm the best person to give you advice at the moment TBH, I'm not in a good place at the moment.

 

You sound like you are in the same place as my xMM, he could not and still can't decide if his M still has anything left to work on. He says that he gets upset when his W cries so 'surely' there must be something there but he also says he has never felt about his W how he feels about me.....

 

I just can't get my head around MM who say they feel so much for someone but when DDay comes just toss them to one side.

 

I think what I meant by 'doing the right thing' is end things with your OW and sort out exactly what YOU want, not what is right for everyone else.

 

Even now my xMM is still being held by guilt from both sides. I have to deal with this by myself and that is so hard, it just kills me to wake up every day knowing 'that brave face' has to come out. If you really care for your OW then end it now because if you have a DDay, she will be the one who is alone and that will crush her....

[kevinconner]

How can anyone hate their career for 20 years? And on top of that, have sex once in a blue moon and then just sit on their computer at night?

 

You didn't sign up for this when you first got married. Somehow, both of you have come to a truce that fits and works for both parties.

 

Just don't beat yourself up too much over the affair thing. You probably in a million years never saw that one coming, but IMO it wasn't all yours. You were driven to do that, you are human, you make mistakes and you clean up the mess.

 

Get your personal life in order first. This is what the affair is giving you, but its not real. Just because you click you think everything is back to normal. But you had the affair because you know something is wrong and you are reaching out....for help.

[DC21]

Our situations are incredibly similar. I just finished with (dumped by) my OW, have a very unfulfilling 21 year marriage and have 3 kids (2 at home). Oh, and a lousy career as well (but it's a living). I'm waiting for my other 2 kids to leave home and then I'm going to have to "man up" (as others put it) and take control. I know this is much easier to say than to do. It's scary on the other side of the fence.

 

The reason I was dumped is that she just wasn't certain I would ever leave and she couldn't wait around anymore (we were together for about a year). Even though I am having a difficult time with this break up (reason why I stumbled upon LS), I know in the end she is right. She needed to move on so I can figure out what to do with my life.

 

It's going to hurt and you will feel lonely but you need to let your OW go. Only then will you be able to straighten out your mess.

[blueeyes1961]

Our situations are incredibly similar. I just finished with (dumped by) my OW, have a very unfulfilling 21 year marriage and have 3 kids (2 at home). Oh, and a lousy career as well (but it's a living). I'm waiting for my other 2 kids to leave home and then I'm going to have to "man up" (as others put it) and take control. I know this is much easier to say than to do. It's scary on the other side of the fence.

 

The reason I was dumped is that she just wasn't certain I would ever leave and she couldn't wait around anymore (we were together for about a year). Even though I am having a difficult time with this break up (reason why I stumbled upon LS), I know in the end she is right. She needed to move on so I can figure out what to do with my life.

 

It's going to hurt and you will feel lonely but you need to let your OW go. Only then will you be able to straighten out your mess.

 

I am getting the pressure after only about 6 months...it is much deserved. I want to divorce and have her, but I don't have the guts to do it. I will probably just end up staying in an unhappy marriage. I am such a wuss. I hate conflict so much. I remember my parents fighting when I was a little kid and it drove me crazy, I think it has made me the classic clam up guy who just gets mad and never talks about it.

[blueeyes1961]

I'm not sure I'm the best person to give you advice at the moment TBH, I'm not in a good place at the moment.

 

You sound like you are in the same place as my xMM, he could not and still can't decide if his M still has anything left to work on. He says that he gets upset when his W cries so 'surely' there must be something there but he also says he has never felt about his W how he feels about me.....

 

I just can't get my head around MM who say they feel so much for someone but when DDay comes just toss them to one side.

 

I think what I meant by 'doing the right thing' is end things with your OW and sort out exactly what YOU want, not what is right for everyone else.

 

Even now my xMM is still being held by guilt from both sides. I have to deal with this by myself and that is so hard, it just kills me to wake up every day knowing 'that brave face' has to come out. If you really care for your OW then end it now because if you have a DDay, she will be the one who is alone and that will crush her....

 

I know it sounds trite, but I really love the OW. I have talked with her about things I wouldn't even tell a priest, I trust her that much. My wife just gets the "sure is going to be cold out today" kind of talk from me. I would love to spend the rest of my life with OW.

 

I am just afraid of conflict. I mask it by saying I don't want to hurt my wife, but I really am just afraid, pure and simple. I wish my wife hated me, or did something really obnoxious like verbal or physical abuse, then I could justify it. but she is really a nice person, I just don't love her.

[blueeyes1961]

How can anyone hate their career for 20 years? And on top of that, have sex once in a blue moon and then just sit on their computer at night?

 

You didn't sign up for this when you first got married. Somehow, both of you have come to a truce that fits and works for both parties.

 

Just don't beat yourself up too much over the affair thing. You probably in a million years never saw that one coming, but IMO it wasn't all yours. You were driven to do that, you are human, you make mistakes and you clean up the mess.

 

Get your personal life in order first. This is what the affair is giving you, but its not real. Just because you click you think everything is back to normal. But you had the affair because you know something is wrong and you are reaching out....for help.

 

thanks Kevin. I do need to man up and divorce my wife. I truly don't see it being saved.

[blueeyes1961]

Ironically with the OW, I told her right up front that we should talk about everything good or bad, and we have. I am like a totally different man with her. If it bothers me I tell her, and she does the same.

 

I swore I would do it right this time.

[hopeless4u]

I know it sounds trite, but I really love the OW. I have talked with her about things I wouldn't even tell a priest, I trust her that much. My wife just gets the "sure is going to be cold out today" kind of talk from me. I would love to spend the rest of my life with OW.

 

I am just afraid of conflict. I mask it by saying I don't want to hurt my wife, but I really am just afraid, pure and simple. I wish my wife hated me, or did something really obnoxious like verbal or physical abuse, then I could justify it. but she is really a nice person, I just don't love her.

 

 

Yep, my xMM said exactly the same thing......its not her(W) fault she is M to me, she hasn't done anything wrong.

 

Me and xMM talked about everything, he really is/was my soulmate. We talked about everything, like you, he said it was so easy but on DDay his W told me how he'd told her we 'talked' about everything and how much he loves me but he still chose to be with her and look after her feelings.

 

This just sounds so familiar, please just decide one way or the other.

 

I know I sound harsh but it breaks my heart to go back and think about what he did to my heart....hurts more because he knew/knows how I'm feeling and that just hurts more!

[scatterd]

This is so sad:lmao: your wife probably feels the same way but does not know how to fix it so she loves you enough to except it.You gave up did you ask for canceling?Marriage takes work you have allot of history you will never forget.remember how it was in the beginning I bet it was good any body you are with the sex cools down. you have been married so long you don't really know if after ten years or even less when you have problems with this one that you can except her flaws.I say try to fix it and if it does not work then you tried then move on .good luck you could fall in love :love:with your wife all over again and be gratfull you did not leave.

[kuma]

I know it sounds trite, but I really love the OW. I have talked with her about things I wouldn't even tell a priest, I trust her that much. My wife just gets the "sure is going to be cold out today" kind of talk from me. I would love to spend the rest of my life with OW.

 

I am just afraid of conflict. I mask it by saying I don't want to hurt my wife, but I really am just afraid, pure and simple. I wish my wife hated me, or did something really obnoxious like verbal or physical abuse, then I could justify it. but she is really a nice person, I just don't love her.

 

It's unfair to compare your wife to your OW. Your OW understands you because you CHOSE to communicate with her. You wife is not a mind reader. I hope you'll be honest with her, so she can move on.