My wife does not want a physical relationship with me

January 19, 2010

After years and years and years of trying I'm finally trying to come to terms with the fact that my wife just doesn't want a physical relationship with me anymore.

I've tried everything over the years and I'm at the point now where I'm just ready to give up. We've been together for 14 years and have 2 children but this has been a problem in our relationship for a long long time now.

Since our last 'talk' she's just not made any effort at all to curb my frustrations. She doesn't want a cuddle in the evening incase it leads to sex. I tried my luck a couple of times over Christmas with no success.

The extent on my physical realationship with my wife is a kiss goodnight.

I'm at my wits end. It's getting to the point where it's starting to make me feel unhappy and depressed. If you spoke to her you'd think we had the perfect marrige because she simply doesn't see it as a big problem.

Were both 30 & been together since we were 17.

What can I do?

January 19, 2010

I'm no expert on this, but having been married for a long time my wife and I have had to deal with alot of other issues. One common denominator I've found in working on just about ANY serious issue is: healing myself first.

You may be angry, hurt, frustrated, and bitter, and are desperately seeking a way to improve your wife. "If only she would turn on to me sexually, I would be happy again". So the first truth that must be digested is: the only person you can change in your marriage is YOURSELF. You cannot fix your wife, and cannot wait for her to make you happy. Initially, you need to focus your energies on improving yourself, for yourself.

This means taking care of yourself physically: eating right, dieting if need be, exercising regularly. This means taking care of yourself mentally: putting new energy into your job, picking up old, neglected hobbies again or finding new ones, getting out of the house more, staying active, revitalizing old friendships or making new ones. This also means caring about your appearance and hygiene: adopting more effective or thorough grooming habits, getting a new haircut, updating your clothing. All the while, your background focus should be on appreciating YOURSELF, boosting your own self-confidence and self-image, and placing your own happiness in your own hands.

A side benefit is that all the while, you are also making yourself more attractive to your wife. She will stop seeing you as that "angry jerk" and start seeing you again as a happy, self-assured person -- an improved version of the person they were originally attracted to. Your wife will also feel as if a great weight has been lifted from her shoulders, as you are no longer depending on her for your happiness.

Next, you learn how to meet her needs. Read books like "The Five Love Languages", and try to get her on board with improving the marriage. If all of this doesn't work? Then you have to consider all the options. You're a young man, so you have plenty.

January 19, 2010

When did it start going down hill? What do you think is stifling her desire?

January 19, 2010

The post below is the BEST post I have found on the boards about this stuff. I will add my own header on this - but if you have to choose - focus on the Atholk post more.

My comments on this:

You can raise a womans raw desire for you by getting good at the stuff discussed below. HOWEVER you can also get a woman with a lower drive to make WAY more effort to satisfy you via 3 drivers:

- Love: She really deeply loves you and gets some direct pleasure out of making you sexually happy. This is the best motivator as it does not lead to resentment.

- Fear: I am never abusive. She is however fearful that the nice, fun playful super accomodating husband will morph into the quiet, disengaged, self focused person she doesn't like so much if she ignores me sexually.

- Guilt: We have achieved a sufficient level of emotional fusion that she truly understands how I feel when denied. And that makes her feel like a bad wife when it happens. So ultimately her compromise looks something like this. In exchange for having sex 10 to 15 times a month instead of the 2-3 she would do by nature - she gets a happy partner who makes her his highest priority

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ATHOLK post from last year

It's very hard to get my entire approach to marriage in this format down, and to be honest it's mostly working best in making average/good relationships better, rather than salvaging bad ones. Once people have cheated or otherwise checked out of reality it's really hard to bring that back to what it was.

Loosely summarized - women respond to men exhibiting positive versions of two primary male traits called Alpha Male and Beta Male.

Alpha Male is devoted to physicality, assertiveness, leadership, social dominance, healthy genes, raw sexual energy, power and at times even violence. The positive version is thats of an inspiring protector and the not so positive is simply a thug. This is the male aspect that just gets panties wet and triggers attraction. Thugs still get panties wet, they are just scary to be a relationship with.

The Beta Male is devoted to personality traits that ultimately are good for rasing children. Work ethic, building the nest, kindess, parenting skills, listening, holding a job, controlling anger and sexual energy, art, language and creativity. The positive version is the family man that provides and supports, the negative version is the mangina that gives away all relationship power to the woman. Good Betas build relationship comfort. When the woman is given too much comfort and not enough attraction, she becomes bored with her partner. Often the begining of the end. (Queue up the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech.)

The man needs to develop and show both Alpha and Beta traits over a long term relationship and show them appropriately. Most men typically do better with one or the other of these traits, and in times of pressure (like a break up) just act more and more from their position of natural strength. Natural Alpha's get bigger and louder and become scarier and even less reliable. Natural Beta's do more stuff for the woman and bore her to death with their neediness even faster. So more often than not, their natural reaction to relationship stress just intensifies the relationship problem.

So if you're too Beta the solution is to add Alpha. If you're too Alpha, the solution is to add Beta.

It is exceptionally important to balance both positive traits in a long term relationship. Women have a monthly sexual cycle with changing hormones that affects what they are more attracted to throughout the month. For about three weeks of the month women respond more positively to Beta Male behavior. But when she is ovulating Alpha Male behavior is highly attractive. Importantly - while ovulation is only a small part of the month, this is when she will make her most critical sexual decisions and is at her horniest. Husbands that fail to display Alpha traits specially during ovulation run a higher risk for being either abandoned, cheated on, or rasing children they think are theirs but aren't.

In terms of myself, I more naturally fall along lines of Beta behavior. My marriage has always been decent, but I've seen many improvements by learning to up the Alpha stuff.

Also a common misconception is that Alpha behavior involves some sort of aggression towards the wife (yelling, hitting, property destruction, issuing demands, bossing her about etc) These things do work to change her behavior, but only in the very short term as they undercut the positive Beta traits and ultimately destory the relationship. Ultimately the best Alpha display is that you're just going to make your way into the world with confidence and just succeed at whatever it is that you're going to do. Opinions of the rest of the world be damned, you're your own man. And like a huge truck on the interstate, you just create a huge hole in the air that makes following you easy.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

After years and years and years of trying I'm finally trying to come to terms with the fact that my wife just doesn't want a physical relationship with me anymore.

I've tried everything over the years and I'm at the point now where I'm just ready to give up. We've been together for 14 years and have 2 children but this has been a problem in our relationship for a long long time now.

Since our last 'talk' she's just not made any effort at all to curb my frustrations. She doesn't want a cuddle in the evening incase it leads to sex. I tried my luck a couple of times over Christmas with no success.

The extent on my physical realationship with my wife is a kiss goodnight.

I'm at my wits end. It's getting to the point where it's starting to make me feel unhappy and depressed. If you spoke to her you'd think we had the perfect marrige because she simply doesn't see it as a big problem.

Were both 30 & been together since we were 17.

What can I do?

Edited January 19, 2010 by mem11363

January 19, 2010

This means taking care of yourself physically: eating right, dieting if need be, exercising regularly. This means taking care of yourself mentally: putting new energy into your job, picking up old, neglected hobbies again or finding new ones, getting out of the house more, staying active, revitalizing old friendships or making new ones. This also means caring about your appearance and hygiene: adopting more effective or thorough grooming habits, getting a new haircut, updating your clothing. All the while, your background focus should be on appreciating YOURSELF, boosting your own self-confidence and self-image, and placing your own happiness in your own hands

This is the best advice. OP, check my sexless marriage post, I'm on the same boat except I don't have kids (together since I was 21 and now I'm 33). I went through depression last October - November (and I think you might be heading there if you don't take care yourself). Though I have a setback last week, I am actually in much better place compared to last year or even years before.

I emerge from my depression by eating healthy, exercise everyday, and socialize with friends. The good things that come out of this is that , though it was so scary when I had my meltdown, I have never looked better in my life, I have a group of friends who are fully supportive of me, and I am fit/strong and it feels amazing. I could run 3 miles easily and I could do 50 push-ups with no problem. 4 months ago, though I wasn't fat, I could barely do a single push-up and ate junk foods. It's amazing how you can transform yourself through this. My dr told me to go into prescriptions because I was depressed and I couldn't sleep (prozac, welbutrin, etc). I resisted and chose to eat healthy & exercise instead. I can now sleep 8 hours a day. Those drugs work wonderfully for some but transforming your lifestyle will do amazingly for your self esteem.

I hope you don't go down the route like I did last year. Focus on yourself and love yourself. I wish you luck OP!

January 19, 2010

Have you gained weight or let yourself go? Are you treating her like a household appliance rather than the wife you love and cherish?

I think these are the 2 most common areas men fail at and their wives aren't so interested in sex with them anymore.

If you are overweight work on losing the weight. We don't want a tubby on top of us with their sweaty flabby belly... gross you get the picture.

How is your hygiene? Are you showering and washing your hair daily? Do you use a good strong anti antiperspirant? How is your oral hygiene?

Does she have most of the household chores while you come home and sit in leisure? Pitch in and help out without being asked.

Are you still being romantic?

January 20, 2010

Thanks for all the feedback people. I do try and take care of myself. I have a professional job in which I wear a sharp suit everyday. I meet new people every day and I'm always well groomed and generally considered carasmatic. I always try to be romantic, I send her nice sweet text messages all the time, try to take her out at least once a month without the children, I tell her how nice her hair is after she had it done and compliment her on new clothes. I take care of her and provide for her and my kids the best I can.

Maybe I will try and do a few things differently but I really do see it as the source of the problem.

January 20, 2010

Have you gained weight or let yourself go? Are you treating her like a household appliance rather than the wife you love and cherish?

I think these are the 2 most common areas men fail at and their wives aren't so interested in sex with them anymore.

If you are overweight work on losing the weight. We don't want a tubby on top of us with their sweaty flabby belly... gross you get the picture.

How is your hygiene? Are you showering and washing your hair daily? Do you use a good strong anti antiperspirant? How is your oral hygiene?

Does she have most of the household chores while you come home and sit in leisure? Pitch in and help out without being asked.

Are you still being romantic?

Yet a male who says the same about a female would be jumped on..... I seem to remember a post with 500+ responses from a female who had put on 40% of her weight and was upset her husband no longer wanted to have sex....... and how dare a man act that way.....

Yet a female can post all the above, and men and women will nod their heads in agreement that those are fair issues....

January 20, 2010

Yet a male who says the same about a female would be jumped on..... I seem to remember a post with 500+ responses from a female who had put on 40% of her weight and was upset her husband no longer wanted to have sex....... and how dare a man act that way.....

Yet a female can post all the above, and men and women will nod their heads in agreement that those are fair issues....

You totally missed the point of that post. Thos guys weren't getting jumped on because they told her to lose weight. The women in that post told her to lose weight too!

NO one is saying that it is okay for the OPs wife to stop having sex with him REGARDLESS of the reasons. It's not okay, but it would help if we knew WHY she may have lost interest in him.

January 20, 2010

In your first post you stated years, and years, and years...so are you saying this has gone all pretty much the whole time you all have been married? This is nothing new that just happened? If thats the case, since this has been going for years, have you asked her in the past what is going on?

January 20, 2010

In your first post you stated years, and years, and years of trying... are you saying this has gone on pretty much the whole time you all have been married? Her not wanting sex for years? This is nothing new that just happened? If thats the case, since this has been going for years, have you asked her in the past what is going on? Also, if she sees this as no problem, then of course she isn't going to address something she isn't having a problem with. Could it be she really sees nothing wrong, sure. Could it be that she does see it and doesn't want to tell you, sure. It could be a number of things.

Sorry, double posted.

Edited January 20, 2010 by JackJack

January 21, 2010

You have to cut your losses & find someone new. Ur still young; way to young to have no passion in your life. While it fades over time, that does not mean disappear.

I would say that 2-3 times a week (sex of any kind) would be the average I would say.

If sex/passion is an important part of the marriage for you, then you should not settle for less; you will never be happy that way & life is way too short.

If you have tried to relay this to her & she doesn't care, then you are with the wrong woman...plain & simple.

Everyone has slow periods, sick, is tired etc, but it can't be ongoing.

I would not stay if I had no passion, as I am a very passionate person in all that I do. I have a child, with another on it's way, but I would still not be able to stay if there were no chance for any comprimise on what I needed. After all, marriage is all about comprimises on both sides.

You have to decide how important it is to your happiness. Not to mention your health. Studies have shown a direct corelation to sex & health.

I wish you well & let us know how it goes.

January 21, 2010

She is completely freezing you out of bed and your response is to continue to

be sweet and kind and loving?

So she is totally denying you the one thing in the world you are totally dependent on her for and you are continuing to radiate love and sweetness at her.

Frankly I wouldn't sleep with you either. Where is your fire? Your spine? Is this how you react when people screw you over at work?

Thanks for all the feedback people. I do try and take care of myself. I have a professional job in which I wear a sharp suit everyday. I meet new people every day and I'm always well groomed and generally considered carasmatic. I always try to be romantic, I send her nice sweet text messages all the time, try to take her out at least once a month without the children, I tell her how nice her hair is after she had it done and compliment her on new clothes. I take care of her and provide for her and my kids the best I can.

Maybe I will try and do a few things differently but I really do see it as the source of the problem.

January 25, 2010

Initiate divorce and go lay 10 new women.

Seriously, I love it how female posters on LS always try to make a guy look crazy for following his inner biological desires and wanting sex. "He wants sex? What is that guy thinking?! He should just lover her for who she is!". Yeah right.

Marriage is just a redundant business deal where you lose half your money ,all your freedom and nearly all sex.

January 25, 2010

BuddyLove- I feel for you. I can read your pain and frustration. I commend you for wanting to make it work, instead of straying so you wouldn't need to address it.

The Alpha Male and Beta Male post above is great food for thought. When I married I was an Alpha - guns, tractors, stick shifts, pool playing, beer swigging, and sparse living. After the birth of my son, I quickly realized that she didn't have the 'mom' gene. So I picked it up, and now I'm a big time Beta Man. I plan on asserting more Alpha qualities, which I have been doing since attending counseling with me wife. Things are looking better, but still no sex for either of us...

First decide do you want this to work? If so, your wife is probably bored with you. You have to reinvent yourself (Go back and watch American Beauty - every mans life). Pick up a new manly hobby (knife fighting, firearms, and learning the guitar are on my list). Nothing says you have to be good. But start, and just mention to your spouse your doing these things.

She might give you some grief, but a new you is needed for her to rebuild her interest.

A marriage counselor might also help. You need to find out if shes in it, or not. Explain that no sex is a deal breaker (That's what drove my wife and I to see a counselor). If she wants it to work, then she'll go to counseling, and notice the expanded you.

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