sonicranger Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) So here's the basic info. My new girlfriend is admittedly not that open and emotional, she plays it close the the chest so to speak. I am totally fine with it, the level of emotion etc. that she has displayed has been more than sufficient for me. I would compare her emotional outpouring similar to that of an "in touch" man. Anyway, now the story. I went to pick her up last weekend, as soon as I walked in and saw her I knew something wasn't right. I asked her if she just woke up from a nap or wasn't feeling well. No, and no. So then I asked her if she was sure, and if something was "wrong". She said, yes she's sure that nothing is wrong! (This entire time I'm standing on a floor mat, since I didn't take off the shoes...blah blah...) So she comes over to me as we're getting ready to go and I give her a smooch and then hug her. She hugs back, a little more than a "normal" hug...so I keep on hugging. When she looks at me again, after about 30 seconds I'd say she has tears streaming down her face and that "My dog just died" look on her face!!! What's wrong? You can tell me, I'm here for you, I say. Nothing, I don't want to talk about it. At least its nothing you did or not you! She says. EDIT: I should've included pertinent "What did NOT happen" No one died (as far as I know) She didn't lose her job She's not pregnant (by me or anyone else 99.9% sure of that) Her dogs did not die So...it's been over a week, I obliged and didn't say anything else or bug her about it...should I revisit? Try to get her to open up about whatever it was? We've shared probably 4 or 5 "heart to heart" emotional moments thus far into the relationship, so she has and is capable of being "vulnerable" etc. Whadya think? Edited January 19, 2010 by sonicranger
OnlyJake Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) Let her know that you're there for her if she needs support or anything else (let her know through your actions, more importantly). If you think you've showed her this, there is no reason to bring it up again. Why do you want to know so badly? If you keep nagging her about this you will probably come across as badly; either as being curious about what the dirt is, or as an ego thing (why won't she confide in me?). It's not about you. It's about her. And I'm not berating you, it sounds like you handled the situation very well at the time. I just think that if it's not still an issue for her, you shouldn't be bringing it up again. And also maybe you should be on the look out for drama queen or melodramatic behavior. Edited January 19, 2010 by OnlyJake
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 How has she been behaving since then? Is she back to normal or clearly still upset? If she is behaving normally, I would NOT revisit. You seem to have conveyed you are there for her and ready to listen should she decide to talk. There may be things in her life that she can discuss with you at this point in the relationship and those that she cannot. This may be one of the "cannot" type. You called her a "new" girlfriend and what is bothering her may be too personal to share with you now. I would only bring it up again if she is not behaving normally and only then to reiterate your support. People who are trying to build relationships while admitting they are not very emotionally expressive or that they have "walls" or "past hurts" are demonstrating a type of courage that is not obvious to most people. They have trust issues and can only progress with patient partners. It seems like she is fortunate to have you but let her choose when to accept your support and comfort.
Author sonicranger Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Thanks for the advice. Yes, she's been totally normal since then. I will keep doing what I've been doing, being there for her as I have been since the beginning. I do not need to know at all, just me trying to "fix" whatever it is that was bothering her. I'm still learning that I can't always "fix" it and sometimes I just need to be there for her, as I was in this situation. I suppose she will continue to learn about me and herself and where she wants to be in our relationship and tell me in her own way. I will continue to be patient as well. Allaying any fears she has of not being open enough for me. I have all the time in the world to be with her.
boogieboy Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Blink slow with this one ddod. She mihgt be holding back emotions with YOU because she doesnt want to get attached to you. I think you should treat her like shes treating you as an interim bf. You might have caught her on the rebound and she is still thinking of her ex while she is with you....and youre only there to fill the void. I smell a rat with her. Dont get attached to her 7until she starts opening up, otherwise you might find your self in a situation where youre getting burned while she goes back to an ex- or someone else.
mem11363 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 You get to ask ONCE if they are visibly upset. When they decline to speak you let them know you are there. For the remainder of that day you go a bit above and beyond - this is the unspoken - I know you are hurting so I am being a bit extra nice. But only as long as THEY are not being less nice then usual to you. If they in any way are being not as nice to YOU (jerky/cold/non sexual) then you firmly say "you don't need to talk to me about it - but you cannot take it out on me either". And be firm on that. Really firm. Because if you let a partner play the "you can never understand all the drama in my life" game and be biatchy to you - game set match - you are baked. It may take a month, or a year or a few years. But you are eventually baked. So here's the basic info. My new girlfriend is admittedly not that open and emotional, she plays it close the the chest so to speak. I am totally fine with it, the level of emotion etc. that she has displayed has been more than sufficient for me. I would compare her emotional outpouring similar to that of an "in touch" man. Anyway, now the story. I went to pick her up last weekend, as soon as I walked in and saw her I knew something wasn't right. I asked her if she just woke up from a nap or wasn't feeling well. No, and no. So then I asked her if she was sure, and if something was "wrong". She said, yes she's sure that nothing is wrong! (This entire time I'm standing on a floor mat, since I didn't take off the shoes...blah blah...) So she comes over to me as we're getting ready to go and I give her a smooch and then hug her. She hugs back, a little more than a "normal" hug...so I keep on hugging. When she looks at me again, after about 30 seconds I'd say she has tears streaming down her face and that "My dog just died" look on her face!!! What's wrong? You can tell me, I'm here for you, I say. Nothing, I don't want to talk about it. At least its nothing you did or not you! She says. EDIT: I should've included pertinent "What did NOT happen" No one died (as far as I know) She didn't lose her job She's not pregnant (by me or anyone else 99.9% sure of that) Her dogs did not die So...it's been over a week, I obliged and didn't say anything else or bug her about it...should I revisit? Try to get her to open up about whatever it was? We've shared probably 4 or 5 "heart to heart" emotional moments thus far into the relationship, so she has and is capable of being "vulnerable" etc. Whadya think?
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