lost&goneforever Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I'll try to make this as short as possible while still giving you enough to see the whole picture. For reference I'm 32 and my gf is 31. we met 5 years ago at work. instant friends...always talking, smiling, and laughing. She had been in a relationship for about 5 years with a guy but never really talked much about him. I got promoted and moved to another department. Our contact was sporadic over the next 2-3 years and then I heard that she was engaged and planning to move to another state with her now fiancee. We said our good byes, good lucks and that was it. 6 months later I get an email from her saying that she's back in the area without the fiancee and looking for a job. I had a position available in my department so I hired her because I knew she was a great worker. During the time before she starting working for me we hung a couple times. Come to find out he proposed to her just to get her to move with him. They ultimately broke up because he had a serious addiction to online porn. They hadn't had sex in about a year. Then she found a naked picture of 1 of his co-workers on his phone. She packed up and left him that day after almost 9 years together. Our hanging out outside of work continued and slowly but surely became dating. After about a month we were talking about how much we enjoyed each other. She said she didn't want to date anyone else but needed to take things slow due to the end of her last relationship. I understood and respected this and did my best to let things happen naturally and not push her. Another month or so and we become official bf/gf. It's great. I've never been in such a effortless relationship. When I say that I don't mean that I didn't put in any effort...just that everything came so naturally from both us. The only real negative seemed to be that we worked together. Supervisor-subordinate relationships are a no-no in most companies. We both got really good at acting. There were rumors and suspicions in the beginning but we played it so well that they went away for the most part. I have never favored her or anything like that. In fact 1 day I overheard 1 of my other employees telling her that I seem to expect more from my gf than other employees. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't cause stress in both of us from time to time because "getting caught" was always in the back of our minds. We got through it together and looked forward to the day that one or both of us found a new job. I've been with the company for over 10 years and have moved up into a pretty good position. She was just working the current job to pay the bills and get her foot back into the company. She looked for other jobs both within and outside the company on and off but it was difficult over the past year with the state of the economy. I tried to help her because I knew it would be good for both of us. It was difficult though because she wasn't really sure what she wanted to do and the job opportunities are still fairly limited out there. About 6-7 months ago she said the first "i love you". I'd been waiting for this because I'd wanted to say it but didn't want to pressure her. Of course I reciprocated. The next 6.5 months were perfect for lack of a better word. We did everything together. She stayed at my house most of the time but would take breaks to stay home a couple days a week. We talked about life, love, buying a house, marriage, kids, etc. Our ideas and values were the same. We started formulating a financial plan to get our bills paid off and start saving for the future (house, wedding). Now mind you, in total we were together for about 14 months. Not 1 argument. None, zero. The most we had was a what I would call a "strong discussion" that took place about 8 months ago. She wants me to quit smoking. I've been trying but it's been difficult. She tells me that she knows that it's hard and that it will probably take multiple attempts but we talked through it, came to an understanding and moved forward. She gave me 3 amazing cards: 1 back in Aug/Sept just because, 1 in November for our anniversary, and 1 for Christmas. They all talked about i love you, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, can't wait for the future, etc. All signed "i love you" and even with the year put in the bottom corner. I could imagine us pulling out a dusty box years in the future and going through all the cards we'd given each other over the years. New Years we went to a friend's house for a small get together. I hardly ever drink anymore so it didn't take much for me to get a little sloppy. She took care of me and got us home safe that night. She left the next morning because she had to work and I was off. I called her later that day affter I knew she would be out of work. I didn't hear from her until the following day. We were both off and I had thought we were going to do something. She says that she's not feeling well, she has alot on her mind, and is going to spend a few days at home. I told her that was fine and went about my own thing. We saw each other at work all week, talked on the phone every night, and I'd ask her when she thought she'd she'd be coming over again. She said she just wanted to spend some time with her family all week. The whole week goes by and we make plans for Saturday night to go to dinner. She comes over after work that day and I'm so happy to see her because this was by far the longest we've been apart in our relationship. I have flowers waiting for her with a note just saying "i've missed you". We have dinner and things seem good although she does seem a little distant. I try to get her to talk about it but she says she just has a lot on her mind. We go home, watch a movie, and then head to bed. She seems like she just wants to go to sleep. I try a little more to get her to talk about whatever is bothering her. I manage to get her to say that she thought a lot during her week at home about "things". I asked her if she was upset that I got sloppy on New Years. She says "i'm not mad because you never do that, but you were so annoying and it was so unattractive." I apologize and tell her I will make a point to be more careful on those rare occasions when I do drink. I try to make plans for the next couple of days with her but she says she's going to stay home. We make plans for Tuesday. We then fool around and go to sleep. The next morning she get's up because she has an appointment with her mom. I wake up as she's giving me a kiss goodbye on the forehead. I tell her to have a good day I'll talk to her later. I called her that night (Sun). No response. Monday...same thing. So now it's Tuesday. We had plans to do something. I called her when I woke up and left her a voicemail letting her know I'm awake and to call me so we can plan the day. 20 minutes later she calls me back and says we need to talk. I ask her to come over so we can talk but she says that she can't because it will be too hard. She tells me that she thinks we need to break up and be just friends. She still loves me but "feels like she isn't feeling everything she should feel after a year together" She "feels lost and needs time to find herself". I ask her if we can talk it through and figure it out toghether she said she needs time for herself. I ask if I did anything wrong. She said no, that I did everything right, and did nothing wrong. She even says she could look past the smoking because she knew I'd quit eventually. I asked if it was completely over or if we were just "taking a break". She said she didn't know but just needs time to figure herself out. Other than 1 phone conversation on Thursday night on the way home from work we haven't seen or talked to each other besides work for the past week. At work we put on our usual charade and no one knows anything is different. We did have a brief conversation in my office the first day we worked together after the break up. It was small talk at first and then she asked how I'm doing the last couple days. I told her I was dying but doing my best to stay busy and give her the space she needs. We had to end the conversation both times because it was approaching areas where we would both start crying. Overall at work things have been ok. I love working because it distracts me. Some days she even seems like nothing is wrong and I catch her looking at me with "the look"...you know when you can see in a woman's eyes that she loves you. Other times she seems to look right through me or even be avoiding me. It's killing me not to talk to her and try to figure this all out. She was my best friend and when you're upset you generally want to talk to your best friend. I'm trying my best to stay positive and be supportive. It's hard because there are so many things around my house that remind me of her. The flowers I gave her are still ehre, I was doing laundry and I have 3 or 4 pairs of her pajamas, I have her expensive black shoes that she wore to a wedding we went to a couple months ago, and all her toiletries are still in her little "bin" in the bathroom. Part of me wonders why, if she was done with me, would she have left all these things behind that last morning when she left? For that matter, why did she kiss me that morning? Yesterday I emailed her a job posting that I saw at another company that seemed like it might be good for her. She responded thanking me for thinking of her and that she had just applied for the position I sent. Then she mentioned that we still need to exchange my Christmas present (a very nice North Face jacket she got me that didn't fit right). We've made plans for this Friday to go shopping and have dinner. While I'm obviously excited that I'll get to see her outside of work in a few days, I'm also scared. I know that things probably aren't going to go back to normal this fast, if they ever will. It will be hard not to really push for an answer from her but I'm giong to have to use every fiber of my being to try to keep things light and let her come to me. So that's the story. I refuse to believe that anything that seemed so good could fall apart that fast. The card she gave me for Christmas, how loving she was, etc. does add up with breaking up with me a week later. I've talked to my male best friend, my parents, and my brother. They are all shocked that it happened. They say we always seemed perfect together and were expecting that we'd be engaged within a year or so. I haven't talked to anyone else because I don't want all of my friends to know especially if it's going to work out and go back to normal. Has anyone (male or female) ever experienced anything like this from either side? I refuse to believe that something that was going so well could be destroyed in a week. If you've taken the time to read this, THANK YOU! I know it's a lot but I wanted to give the most complete picture I possibly could. I'm looking forward to your advice, comments, and questions.
HLP234 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I'm glad you used paragraphs to break it up. Well I was in a very similar situation as you are now. Basically the " I need time to find myself" is an excuse and just talk that she doesn't want to be in the relationship. You may think otherwise, but to be completely honest, that is what it means. My ex and I knew each other for 5 years, were best friends like you two. Talked about everything. She moved here to finish school and so that we would be closer together. Well a week after moving, she wanted a break because she didn't know what she wanted. The move to a big city depressed her, she missed her friends and family. Not to mention her ex fiance dumped her and cheated on her so she is very insecure. Like you, she said I did nothing wrong at all, I did everything right. I gave myself over to her and gave in to every one demand she wanted so that she could feel comfortable and not worry because of what happened in the past. Our "break" ended with me wanting to talk about it, where she didn't. I would give her space to herself and then I got accused of not wanting to talk to her. She would ask why can't I just be like normal? Well, I'll tell you why, because when you are not the one that wants the break, you can't act like everything is ok. So I know what you are going through. I would treat it as a break up and just move on. I know its tough but you don't want to be stuck in a limbo as I was. She basically accused me of not wanting to talk to her, not wanting her when she was the one that always brought up the idea that during our "break" we were not together and she wanted time alone. Please take this seriously, because what happened to me hurts like hell. She went from "break" to being with a new guy within not even a month. Worst of all, I was never told anything. Nothing at all, not even "I'm sorry but look it is over." Basically she just abandoned everything and ran away. We had plans to see each other when she got back from vacation but she never said anything to me and just moved on apparently. You don't want this to happen to you. If you guys are still unsure, I would talk to her and let her know that you can't handle this type of situation, you are giving her the space she wants, BUT you are also needing to move on if its not going to work. Hanging on to hopes is no good and before you know it, if she leaves then you are devastated. If she respects you and has some decency, she will let you know (I hope) of what this time/space accomplished for her sometime soon. This also includes if she plans to move on without you in the relationship. To me, that is the right thing to do, not just leave like my ex did. For now, just treat it as a break up, give her the time, but also take this time for yourself and don't worry about her. Keep your contact limited or non at all. Make her miss you and if she doesn't say anything, please take the initiative to make a move before you find out she has other plans..that is what I should have done. Instead I played along and waited for her to let me know what she was going to do and apparently I guess she didn't have the courage or respect to let me know anything, left here hanging trying to remove every memory I ever had of us..while she is happy with someone else now.
Author lost&goneforever Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 I'm glad you used paragraphs to break it up. Well I was in a very similar situation as you are now. Basically the " I need time to find myself" is an excuse and just talk that she doesn't want to be in the relationship. You may think otherwise, but to be completely honest, that is what it means. My ex and I knew each other for 5 years, were best friends like you two. Talked about everything. She moved here to finish school and so that we would be closer together. Well a week after moving, she wanted a break because she didn't know what she wanted. The move to a big city depressed her, she missed her friends and family. Not to mention her ex fiance dumped her and cheated on her so she is very insecure. Like you, she said I did nothing wrong at all, I did everything right. I gave myself over to her and gave in to every one demand she wanted so that she could feel comfortable and not worry because of what happened in the past. Our "break" ended with me wanting to talk about it, where she didn't. I would give her space to herself and then I got accused of not wanting to talk to her. She would ask why can't I just be like normal? Well, I'll tell you why, because when you are not the one that wants the break, you can't act like everything is ok. So I know what you are going through. I would treat it as a break up and just move on. I know its tough but you don't want to be stuck in a limbo as I was. She basically accused me of not wanting to talk to her, not wanting her when she was the one that always brought up the idea that during our "break" we were not together and she wanted time alone. Please take this seriously, because what happened to me hurts like hell. She went from "break" to being with a new guy within not even a month. Worst of all, I was never told anything. Nothing at all, not even "I'm sorry but look it is over." Basically she just abandoned everything and ran away. We had plans to see each other when she got back from vacation but she never said anything to me and just moved on apparently. You don't want this to happen to you. If you guys are still unsure, I would talk to her and let her know that you can't handle this type of situation, you are giving her the space she wants, BUT you are also needing to move on if its not going to work. Hanging on to hopes is no good and before you know it, if she leaves then you are devastated. If she respects you and has some decency, she will let you know (I hope) of what this time/space accomplished for her sometime soon. This also includes if she plans to move on without you in the relationship. To me, that is the right thing to do, not just leave like my ex did. For now, just treat it as a break up, give her the time, but also take this time for yourself and don't worry about her. Keep your contact limited or non at all. Make her miss you and if she doesn't say anything, please take the initiative to make a move before you find out she has other plans..that is what I should have done. Instead I played along and waited for her to let me know what she was going to do and apparently I guess she didn't have the courage or respect to let me know anything, left here hanging trying to remove every memory I ever had of us..while she is happy with someone else now. Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. While it does sound similar to mine in some ways, I think there are some significant differences. Those differences (length of time in the actual relationship, everything she said to me, etc.) may or may not make a difference in the outcome but I think that they are at least enough to give me hope that things will work out differently.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I refuse to believe that anything that seemed so good could fall apart that fast. The emphasis should be on seemed. You aren't getting the whole story, and you likely aren't going to. People do not just leave a good thing like that for no reason. She has a reason, just one you aren't aware of. Once you figure that out, you'll find the puzzle pieces will fall into place one by one and it will begin to make sense. It sounds like she ran away from her last relationship instead of running to you on her own. When people do that, they map a lot of wishful thinking onto the new person: making them into everything their ex was not, regardless of whether the new person is actually like that or not. Their infatuation and determination to be happy can only last but so long - usually it takes 18 months to two years for that to wear off and reality begins to set in. You begin to see that the new person you fell in love with was more a matter of falling in love with an idea of a person rather than the person him/herself. And so, you are left with someone - who, when stripped of false hope and wishful thinking - turns out not to be that great of a match for you after all. And so you leave. And she did. Usually I would say 'there is someone else' but I don't get that idea here. Only that she rebounded, enjoyed it while it lasted and left when reality set in for her. It seemed quick to you, because when someone is thinking of leaving, they do so over a course of weeks or months and will hide it very well until they decide which direction to go. Then they lower the boom, and it seems sudden. For them, it is the end of a long process. It sounds like she cares for you and feels bad about leaving, but that is not enough to bring you two back together.
Author lost&goneforever Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 you're 100% correct. there must have been something going on in her mind that i didn't know about. i guess that i wouldn't have expected someone to act the way she did, send the cards that she did, say the things she did if she wasn't into it. it just doesn't make sense to me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 It sounds like she was into the idea of the relationship more than she was into the relationship. I suspect she was doing those things because she cared but ultimately she was feeding the relationship that she wanted rather than the one she actually had. When the balance tips from idealization to reality, things that seemed to be heartfelt at the time turn out to be just another form of feeding into the idea of love rather than building love itself. I'm sure she wanted very much for it to work, but the gap between ideal and real got to be too great.
HLP234 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I also agree that when they plan to leave, they don't tell you for a while. I should have seen it coming but I could not because she acted as she always did, she was nuts about me. So in this case it seemed sudden, like you hit a brick wall out of nowhere. Just watch out for these signs in the future, and be more cautious. I hope things work out for you. It doesn't sound like she would be a completely ignorant about what she is doing, like my ex was. But for now, take care of yourself and hopefully it will work the way you expect it to.
Author lost&goneforever Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I hear you and don't necessarily disagree with any of it. The main problem is that I just don't know right now. I guess I'll just wait until we go out on Friday and see how it goes. I'm going to play it as cool as I possibly can so that I can try to get her to open up a little bit about what's bothering her. I know it's a combination of a lot of things some of which don't even really have to do with me. At this point all I can do is to agree with the break up and be there to support her however I can. I know her well enough that I should be able to see in her eyes if that spark is still there.
LovelyDaze Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I hear you and don't necessarily disagree with any of it. The main problem is that I just don't know right now. I guess I'll just wait until we go out on Friday and see how it goes. I'm going to play it as cool as I possibly can so that I can try to get her to open up a little bit about what's bothering her. I know it's a combination of a lot of things some of which don't even really have to do with me. At this point all I can do is to agree with the break up and be there to support her however I can. I know her well enough that I should be able to see in her eyes if that spark is still there. I usually would say that going out with an ex is ill advised but you probably do need this day to see if your ex is just lonely or truly wants to work things out. DON'T ACCEPT AN EX AS A FRIEND. It is way to soon for that. Friday, make sure you take inventory on how she is with you. Go for the jugular and ask her 101% if she wants to work on your broken relationship or not. If she dances around the subject, then you need to let things go. You don't want to just keep accepting crumbs of time with her when you desire to have her back with you completely. It wouldn't be fair and a severe blow to your integrity.
Author lost&goneforever Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 If she doesn't want to figure things out together then I'm going to let her know I support her and that I'll be there for her if she needs me. Then I gotta give myself time. I'll be on a def min 3-4 weeks of no contact. The hard part of that will be that we work together.
HLP234 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Well if it doesn't work out tell her you are agree with her decision and you must move on, like you said giving yourself time and going no contact. I wouldn't say that I would be there for her, because I'm not sure how she will take this. I guess in case of emergency or something else its alright, but telling her you will always be there for her may make her think that you will be around for good. If you are hurt and want to heal, having this would be minor problem. Just be honest about everything and hopefully she will too. Anything that sounds or looks unsure about her actions or what she says should be taken with caution. It will just prevent less hurt for you in the end in case it doesn't go in your favor.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 You were a rebound and were also way too accessible to her, she never had to work for you and got bored. She should have had lots of impressing of you to do in light of her very poor judgment in the prior relationship, but it doesn't seem that you expected enough of that. You sound like a quality guy. Agree with others, do not maintain the friendship and after some healing up time, get back out there and best wishes.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Move on, she's with someone else. It's a cowardly way to do things but it's over.
Joe Normal Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 She's just not that into you. Never take breaks. If someone wants to "take a break", insist on ending the relationship. Once someone takes a break, they're your ex-girlfriend, not your girlfriend. Time to move on and enjoy being single, date around for a while. Forget this lady as she's no longer in love with you.
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