Need to resolve past issues...

[Softsoul]

I already posted a thread on similar topic, but I still don't know how to resolve or forget issues from the past in our relationship. I hope someone here might help.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we're getting married in May. Maybe it's pre-wedding stress, but I can't forget some mistakes he made in the past.

When we first met, he lied to me about his past relationships, I found out the truth just two months ago. But I knew that he had one serious girlfriend before me, they dated for 2 years. He had a toy in his car that she gave him, and it said "I love you". He told me who it was from by saying "I love you *his ex's name*, and then explained. The next day, he reminded me of it, saying "hey, remember what I said yesterday... I called you by my ex's name" (that's a psycho thing to do in my opinion). We argued a lot about that toy, and he wouldn't give it up. It bothered me because I knew that every time he looks at it he thinks of her. At last, when I told him to give it up, he said she was his "true love". Thanks, that's what I really needed to know :S.

Then there was a female-friend of his. He was in love with her six months into our relationship, and I didn't know. Sure, they went for coffees all the time, but I thought it was innocent until one night after dance class, he would look at his phone all the time checking up if she called him. I found out he was in love, but she didn't want a relationship with him. He didn't cheat on me though, except emotionally... So I told him, she or me, and that's the first time I stood up for myself. And he chose me.

To add up, when we were on holiday (at the beginning of the relationship), he physically wasn't able to make love to me because "other women were on his mind". I knew nothing about it at that time, I thought he was just nervous because he was afraid to disappoint me.

 

I'm having a really difficult time forgetting all these things. How can I stop bringing them up in my head? I hope this'll help... I'd be happy to read your comments. And by the way, we haven't had any arguments like that lately. It's just the past that's bothering me.

[armywife915]

Why are you marrying this guy if there is another woman out there who is his "true love"? I think the present should be bothering you - he still loves that woman. I have nothing my ex gave me because I no longer have feelings for him. He is definitely holding onto it for a reason. I wish you luck.

[Ronni_W]

Softsoul,

You are looking to "forget" when what the situation needs is for you to forgive.

 

It sounds as if he got into a relationship with you before he had fully recovered from a prior heartbreak, and while he thought he was in love with a third woman.

 

Without knowing all the details. It is still that he chose you. Yes, he did a piss-poor job of revealing his prior relationships to you. One can imagine that he didn't know how to do it any better. (His lack of knowledge can be forgiven.) One can imagine that he was scared of losing you. (He can be forgiven for his fear.)

 

It is unclear whether you are doubting his CURRENT-DAY love for you and desire to spend the rest of his life with you. But I'm getting the sense that you're not questioning that; that you do feel loved by him, and are confident that his love is strong and genuine.

 

If that's the case, then it is more that you could stand to brush-up on your 'forgiveness skills'. A couple of books which may help with that are: 'Forgive for Love' by Fred Luskin, and 'How Good Do We Have to Be?' by Harold Kushner.

 

I would encourage you to do something about your own feelings and lack of ability to forgive as part of your 'premarital personal development.' I do believe it will be important for your long-term happiness and success as a married couple.

 

Wishing you both the best.

[TaraMaiden]

book some pre-marriage counselling and insist he attend with you, or you're shelving plans.

 

Whilst I agree with Ronnie, that you need to learn how to forgive, one factor is that he should be showing regret and remorse.

It's much harder to forgive somebody who's impervious to your feelings, and ignorant in how he's affecting you through his behaviour and attitude....

You can make efforts to forgive him all you want, but unless he changes his attitude, or redresses the balance, it's going to be hard for you to shake this resentment.....

 

You need counselling - a neutral environment in which to express your feelings and truly lay out what's bothering you.

Own your own position here. Accept that this is something you've permitted to infringe upon your psyche. But at least get it into the open, lucidly, logically and in a way that also holds him accountable for his actions.

 

Take this into the marriage, and you start it from a position of mistrust.

Because whilst he's making his vows, all you're going to be thinking is:

"Oh really? Are you sure about that?"

[Softsoul]

Thank you everyone so much for your replies. Especially to you Ronni, for recommending me books about forgiveness. Yes, that is exactly my problem. And I am not doubting the current relationship at all - he's done everything to prove his love for me for the past year. Your advice was what I really needed, and I'm certainly reading those books.

 

Why are you marrying this guy if there is another woman out there who is his "true love"? I think the present should be bothering you - he still loves that woman. I have nothing my ex gave me because I no longer have feelings for him. He is definitely holding onto it for a reason.

Armywife, he doesn't think that way anymore, not for the past year or so, and he certainly doesn't love her anymore. About the toy, your opinion is also my opinion. And he removed it after that argument.

 

TaraMaiden, what you suggested about pre-marital councelling would be great, but it's not really common in my country, in fact it hardly exists.

Whilst I agree with Ronnie, that you need to learn how to forgive, one factor is that he should be showing regret and remorse.

He is showing regret and remorse. He said he would do anything to wipe out those days, but he can't.

 

I'm glad I endured these things after all, and stayed in the relationship, because I truly love him and I know he truly loves me as well. It's just the past that I'm bothered about, and that I want to forgive. 1000, my fiancee was certainly not ready for marriage a year ago, and yes he was acting immaturely. But that is all over now, and has been for a long time.

 

Again, thanks to everyone, you really helped.

[NowhereToHide]

Just my 2 cents....

 

I've been with my husband for almost 20 years. We are going through an incredibly difficult time in our marriage right now. We are trying to figure out if we are going to survive.

 

You are entering into this marriage with someone that is incredibly conflicted. He is talking about ex's in a way he should be talking about you. He had an emotional affair while dating you. And you aren't even married yet.

 

PLEASE do yourself a favor now and listen to ANY of those "little voices" in your head that may be telling you that this isn't the right thing. That he isn't the right man for you. That maybe he should be loving you more than he does -- and like you deserve.

 

Because once you get married and have kids, these issues aren't so easy to deal with. Trust me.

 

He sounds like someone that will always looking for a fix from other women. Tread lightly. You are young. Take some time. You won't regret it.

[Jeff1962]

I would not marry this guy if I were you. We all have issues but you don't screw with someones heart or head. Just my opinion.

[Softsoul]

Just my 2 cents....

 

I've been with my husband for almost 20 years. We are going through an incredibly difficult time in our marriage right now. We are trying to figure out if we are going to survive.

 

You are entering into this marriage with someone that is incredibly conflicted. He is talking about ex's in a way he should be talking about you. He had an emotional affair while dating you. And you aren't even married yet.

 

PLEASE do yourself a favor now and listen to ANY of those "little voices" in your head that may be telling you that this isn't the right thing. That he isn't the right man for you. That maybe he should be loving you more than he does -- and like you deserve.

 

Because once you get married and have kids, these issues aren't so easy to deal with. Trust me.

 

He sounds like someone that will always looking for a fix from other women. Tread lightly. You are young. Take some time. You won't regret it.

NowhereToHide, I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time with your husband, and I hope things turn out the best for you two.

 

What my fiancee did all lies in the long-ago past. He's done everything to prove to me that his ex means nothing to him, they haven't seen each other for years, and the woman he had an emotional affair with is past too. They haven't had any contact in a year (except when we all see each other, because she is his friends' friend and we all go to the same parties. Don't think I need to mention I hate that. He doesn't talk to her though. And she's not invited to the wedding either.)

He's not conflicted anymore, I know that. I just need some strength to forgive him for the past. I never for a minute thought that he's not the man for me (except at the beginning, obviously). He loves me more than anything and I feel that every second of my time with him.

 

I am aware that marriages aren't easy, and we will have problems just like any other couple. I'm just doing my best for this problem to vanish.

 

We all have issues but you don't screw with someones heart or head. Just my opinion.

 

Jeff, I totally agree. That's why I'm so angry, sad, disappointed etc. when I think of our past. But he is very remorseful and would do anything to wipe out what he did. I know he deserves to be forgiven, just like I'm sure I will when I do something stupid.

[TaraMaiden]

you know why you can't forget?

 

I figure (watch me be wrong) that it's because actually, your forgiveness should be based on Trust.

And you don't trust him.

And the reason you don't trust him, is because this has hit your self-esteem.

With issues like

he physically wasn't able to make love to me because "other women were on his mind"

, and the

she was his "true love"

comments, this is hardly surprising.

And you need to tell him this.

you need to tell him how deeply this has hit you, and that trust is a big problem for you, unless he can help you to believe that you are it, and that you are the most important person in his life, ever, BAR NONE.

 

you need to work on your own self esteem and understand that you are worthy of his affection, and you deserve to be put first in his life, all and every time.

If you can't get past this issue, then it's unfair on YOU to get married now, because poor self-esteem is the first step towards becoming a doormat.

[Softsoul]

TaraMaiden, it's true what you said. Thanks for helping me understand the situation better. I'll discuss this with him.

[cuppa]

Softsoul, it seems that you already made up your mind to marry him so for that, I wish you well.

 

I got a bit of cold feet 6 months before my wedding and all these issues come back to haunt us even 7 years later into our marriage. marriage is very hard and all I can say that it's best for you to resolve all these (whether to forgive or to forget) before you say "I do", if you still have these little voices going on, then perhaps you might consider to postpone until you can be at peace with these past issues (and same for him).

[giotto]

Unfortunately you don't trust him and I doubt you ever will... this is something you need to resolve within yourself or your marriage will be hell...

[Softsoul]

Thank you, cuppa and everyone else for sharing your experience.

 

I had a session with my therapist yesterday (I'm bipolar that's why I go). I told her about this problem. She said, like TaraMaiden, that all what happened hit my self-esteem (which wasn't even high to begin with). She also said that what he did is not his problem anymore (because he obviously can't do anything about it anymore), it's mine, and I have to work on gaining self-confidence, and believe that I deserve to be truly loved by him. And like Ronni said, forgiveness is a problem here too.

 

You know, the stupid things my fiancee did are half a percent of what has happened through the course of our relationship. He has been as loving and caring as possible in the last year. He has also helped me with my bipolar from the beginning on, suffered with me and stuck with me even when I was depressed the most. He's working two shifts so he earns enough money for both of us (I'm still a student) and he's been doing everything possible on his part to make this relationship a good one, for a long time. I think the easiest way maybe would be to say that he's a total jerk because of what he did and dump him, but we all make mistakes and I think he deserves to be forgiven. I hope and believe I will find the strength and the courage to forgive and trust him fully again.

[TaraMaiden]

I had a session with my therapist yesterday (. . .)She said, like TaraMaiden, that all what happened hit my self-esteem (which wasn't even high to begin with).

 

Ah, yes, that confirms what I thought.

I DO know everything.

 

(That was a joke......)

 

She also said that what he did is not his problem anymore (because he obviously can't do anything about it anymore), it's mine, and I have to work on gaining self-confidence, and believe that I deserve to be truly loved by him. And like Ronni said, forgiveness is a problem here too.

 

Part of the solution is to know and accept what that problem is in the first place.

so having faced and realised what the fundamental issue is here, at least you know what kind of personal challenges you face.

And that's a really good thing.

 

You know, the stupid things my fiancee did are half a percent of what has happened through the course of our relationship. He has been as loving and caring as possible in the last year. He has also helped me with my bipolar from the beginning on, suffered with me and stuck with me even when I was depressed the most. He's working two shifts so he earns enough money for both of us (I'm still a student) and he's been doing everything possible on his part to make this relationship a good one, for a long time.

And I guess the 'stupid thing' (if you want to put it that way) is that we took your concerns at face value and made assumptions based simply on the information placed before us. we weren't right - and we weren't wrong either.

We tried to help, and maybe just didn't see the bigger picture. but here, you've presented us with another "piece of the puzzle" and he sounds like a sincerely affectionate and loving man who simply wanted to be completely honest with you about what feelings he'd experienced, and why.

he didn't want you to be under any illusion, and it seems all he wanted to do was to be completely open and honest with you.

Which again, is really quite generous, trusting and dedicated of him

Do you think....?

 

think the easiest way maybe would be to say that he's a total jerk because of what he did and dump him, but we all make mistakes and I think he deserves to be forgiven

This is extremely mature and responsible of you.

"The easiest way" is very often the way many people will go, rather than face the fact that in order to develop, flourish and blossom, a relationship takes Effort, and Commitment. This is very encouraging, and I find it extremely gracious and wise of you to take this attitude....

 

I hope and believe I will find the strength and the courage to forgive and trust him fully again.

 

You hope and believe?

I am completely certain of it.

Communicate effectively.

Trust one another and yourselves, to build this relationship as it needs.

Respect each other, each other's boundaries, and yourselves.

 

Be well.

best of Luck.

Oh, one last thing: ask your therapist whether perhaps your BF shouldn't attend the next session with you to discuss how best to approach this issue constructively, together. And ask him whether he'd be willing to come with you, just once, for this purpose.

 

Just a suggestion.....