Aedra Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Lately I've been having strong bouts of jealousy and frustration over my utter failure of a social life. I don't normally get jealous, but lately its so strong I sometimes just cry over it. I have always been an introvert and I am very shy and anxious around people, constantly. When things went sour with my old highschool friends, my only real form of social life, I pretty much had no friends left. Even then I saw them rarely, and had always had trouble feeling connected with them. I constantly crave social interaction, yet I fear it, loathe it and even the thought of it sometimes makes me feel sick. When I went to college last year I didn't end up making any friends throughout the entire year, only acquaintances that had quickly settled with other people they easily got along with. I'm just the person people tolerate to get schoolwork done. It made me feel so alone and stupid, there were a variety of different people there yet I couldn't seem to make a good friend. I just don't know how to keep conversation going, or be witty and I have no charisma. I just don't know what to say! I am also aware I can come off aloof...I just have so much anxiety and depression I can't seem to be energetic about anything, I just try to pretend. I can even bring myself to smile anymore. It just brings so much pain to me, I feel so alone. I went to a psychologist a year before I went to college, but that was a complete waste of money. I also went on anti-depressants and learnt the hard way its just a band-aid to the problem. I became so lonely I scoured the internet for boyfriends, after a few really bad long distance relationships, I found a guy through an online game I frequently play and when we realized we lived just an hour away from each other, I ended up becoming his girlfriend. We've been going steady for 4 months now, but whenever he has a big social event with his friends I get a heavy feeling of jealousy. It's wrong and I hate it but it just makes me so sad. I know you've got to love yourself before anyone will enjoy your company but I have never ever been able to do that. I only hate myself. I have zero confidence and self-worth and despite all this thought-pattern therapy stuff I've been doing, it hasn't helped. What should I do? I feel so helpless.
Ro2Pi Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Hi Aedra, At the moment I'm also in the same boat as you. Though my ex broke up with me recently and I realized that I didn't have many friends to turn to at university. I understand the difficulty of creating a new social life in a new environment, especially if it's already been a couple years into university. But recently I've decided to make a change of how I interact with people and try to lighten the mood. For example, during some of our little study groups I'd try to spark any conversation at all like a story I heard or a new episode I've watched. Don't get me wrong, I know that act alone is a tremendous challenge but you have to convince yourself that the reward is well worth the risk. Though I still can't pull up the courage to initiate conversations with complete strangers it's important to remember that change takes baby steps. Reinforce yourself with positive comments of your accomplishments and maybe start a journal so you don't forget. Don't treat any accomplishment as negligible, progress is progress no matter what. I find a journal extremely helpful to look back on the good and bad so I can keep track of my progress and my reactions. I don't really know what I'm saying at the moment except that life is what you make of it so never give up on yourself. You're here talking to us, that's got to count for something
Aries77 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 oh my goodness - as I was reading your post, all I kept thinking was, "that's ME!!" I can totally sympathize with u and understand what you are going through. I'm TOTALLY shy and am on anti-depressants. I sometimes find myself asking, "Why can't I just have a normal conversation with someone? Why am I so boring? Why can't I just TALK??" I've come to realize that you don't always have to talk. Sometimes it's really good to just listen. Also to be relaxed is another important issue. If you're not relaxed and at ease, you can't express what you're really feeling. Get interested in people! Ask them what's new! Inquire about their lives! This is a great way to make friends. And - keeping friends takes work. Sometimes - hard work. And about your jealousy thing - it's ME, too!! I get jealous allllllll the time with my boyfriend. Even when he goes out with just the guys. It's NORMAL. You're not crazy to think this way. It's just something that you have to deal with - something that you need to find a solution to. Something that inspires you to do something about it. Don't give up -- I've been there.
Aries77 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Though I still can't pull up the courage to initiate conversations with complete strangers it's important to remember that change takes baby steps. I have sort of the same problem - I've worked on trying to initiate conversations so much that I have another problem now - KEEPING a conversation going. I've struggled with self-esteem and shyness all of my life. I don't think it will ever leave me. However, dealing with our issues is something to work on. We ALL have issues. ALL. It's what we do to improve ourselves is what really counts and really helps us to be better people.
Author Aedra Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Hey thanks everyone for the replies, didn't think I would get any. =) It's good to know others are going through the same things, I at least know how you all feel, it's so painful to deal with. I do usually listen to people, and that is what usually helps a little, but listening can only go so far...if you have nothing interesting to add things get awkward quickly in my experience. =( I am trying to change my diet and see if it helps, honestly feel like I am losing options, I have tried virtually everything. People just don't seem interested in me, as much as I have tried taking an interest in them. They talk to me a couple of times, then afterwards they'll never bother to have a convo with me again, this is how it is in school most of the time. I feel I need to completely change as a person. I also start my 2nd year in a few weeks and there will be even more presentation-related stuff to do...stressin so bad. =(
Ronni_W Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Hi Aedra. I just found this site earlier today, so haven't gone through the course yet. But some of the articles I've skimmed seem as if they may hold something useful for you, too. Well...hopefully you'll find something that can help emotionalintelligencecentral.org/video/index.html (You'll need to 'cut & paste' the link cos I keep getting dinged for posting live links.) Best of luck.
D-Lish Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Sounds like you might have social anxiety. Have you ever spoken to a doctor about this?
Author Aedra Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 Sounds like you might have social anxiety. Have you ever spoken to a doctor about this? Yep, went to a GP, essentially they go tell me to take anti-depressants. They don't work for me. I had so many nightmare side effects, I'll never take them again.
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