missmay Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) I just got home from watching avatar. Im really trying to move on, do things for myself, live my life, etc...... I spent 45 minutes of the movie crying over the death, the love story and the destruction. I just feel this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I feel so raw. I can't quite explain it. Im not mourning the loss of him or the relationship because I know he is no good for me. He betrayed me in ways I could have never imagined a person could. I made the decision to leave and move out, although it was after he had already abandoned me in a thousand little ways along with his profound betrayal. Looking back I can pick out 100's of red flags that I saw and ignored along the way. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like I have lost another little piece of my idealism and innocence. Although Im 31, he was only my fourth physical and emotional relationship. I married young and spent my younger years with one person so I've really only been dating as an adult for the last 4 years. I look around and all I see is blended families, third and fourth marriages, people hooking up etc. How does everyone keep doing it? How do people mesh and bond with one another all the while thinking that this time its going to be different only to be disappointed again? Doesn't it start to lose its meaning after awhile? During one of our last arguments (in which he was seething with contempt towards me) he said that I'm an old soul, that I should've been born in another time and culture and that my values are ridiculous. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't want to be one of those people who views sex as recreation to share with strangers. Im not talking about saving it for the marriage bed but I do consider it to be a highly intimate and emotional exchange between people. I dread the idea of a sweaty stranger pawing at me with no regard for who I am as a human being. And when I am in a sexual relationship I channel my sexual energy towards my partner and feel fully bonded to him and can't comprehend the idea of tainting that connection by sharing myself with someone else. It seems men rarely have that problem. Are there any men left who crave an honest connection and a creative partnership with a woman? Are there still people who don't view a person as a conquest to be discarded or treated badly once they've won the game? I'm sorry for rambling. I can't quite put what I'm feeling into words right now. I have learned a few lessons about human nature and independence. But I will become a little harder and slightly harder to reach because of it and that saddens me. Edited January 19, 2010 by missmay
carhill Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Firstly, good on ya for getting out to see a movie. Haven't seen 'Avatar' yet. Worth a look? Secondly, I can empathize with your perspective. One can mourn the death of a love, a relationship, a marriage and process that, irrespective of the dynamics or 'reasons', but it amazes me how some people can just flit from person to person like a bee to a flower, seemingly without a care. I've had a relatively amicable divorce and still, a year after splitting up, ponder dating with a somewhat jaundiced eye. It's one of those emotional setpoint things I often talk about, how we are each individual in that regard and, for most of us, it's very difficult to change. So, where you and I might see an elemental correlation between physical and emotional intimacy, there are a world of people who do not, or do in varying levels of connection. We're all individuals. IMO, part of what we might perceive as 'sexual mayhem' is really our individual perception working against us. We just think it's easy for 'others' and that they 'do it' without a care, but we're not inside their minds nor live their lives. For example, my stbx has nearly everything from our marriage, all our 'momentos' and things which would be, for me, painful reminders, but, to her, it's just stuff. I asked her about it and the emotional import didn't even register. She just gave me a somewhat puzzled look. That's the look of incompatibility. I can accept that. I've found that acceptance helps with the sadness parts, but there are still bumps in the road. Fear them not, for they will lead you to health
Austen Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I'm sorry that you're struggling and battling sadness. But you're not alone, and I wonder many of the same things that you wonder. Why do we keep trying? Sometimes I think the hope of meeting the right one isn't worth the hurt of all the past failures. There are definitely times when being alone seems the better option than risking another broken heart. I've been in a dark place relationship-wise for a long time, and I'm not sure how I feel about it all...
sedgwick Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I hear ya! I have a friend who jumps from relationship to relationship with lightning speed, and I don't know how she does it. Of course, many of her "relationships" last two weeks and then she gets bored and dumps the guy. I get SO mad at her for doing that to them! Plus, she never waits longer than the second date to sleep with them. I have tried and tried to convince her not to invite them to her place on the first date, or even the second, and to actually make them take her OUT rather than just hanging out at her apartment. This has all been to no avail. (And it's not like she's 19; she's in her late 20s!) I married young too, and in the last 10 years, since my divorce, I've slept with four men. (Oh wait, my one and only one-night stand was in there too, so five.) My friend probably sleeps with half a dozen guys a year. And a male friend, who just got dumped, informed me he slept with another woman the next day, "to get myself over it. Now I'm fine." I want my heart to be that resilient. Instead, I've been pining over the same guy for 2.5 years and haven't been able to sleep with anyone else because I still love him. Your values are not ridiculous, and anyone who would tell you that is an ass.
Author missmay Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 "So, where you and I might see an elemental correlation between physical and emotional intimacy, there are a world of people who do not, or do in varying levels of connection." I agree with this, but I wonder if this is because of societial, family or peer conditioning. For example: I grew up in a family in which my parents stayed married until death. My father was very involved in raising me, their only child, and I was made to feel very special and loved. When I started dating as a teenager I already had some pretty high expectations of how I wanted to be treated. I never looked to the opposite sex for the validation I didn't recieve at home. My first sexual experiences started a trend in my life which has been hard to break in subsequent years. I'm not saying that there aren't people who truly just enjoy sex and feel the need to satisfy themselves for purely physical reasons. I'm sure that those of us who are more selective of our sexual partners would also admit to enjoying the pleasure of a sexual relationship. I just wonder what milestones, ideas, and situations along the way seperate and form the differences between those of us who refrain and those of us who don't. Maybe it comes down to a compatibility issue. I will now seriously question anyone I decide to date who has very little gaps between relationships because I want someone who will place the same emotional importance on me as I do on them. "We just think it's easy for 'others' and that they 'do it' without a care, but we're not inside their minds nor live their lives. " Fair enough. But I think what I've learned from my recent experiences is to value a persons actions and results as opposed to their words. I actually think it is more important to be less tolerant of glaring differences in the ability to bond and perceptions of commitment. If a partner says to me, Every time I have sex with you its as if we are making love yet that same partner has been with 30 women before me either he is lying because he thinks that's what I want to hear or (at the very least)he has a very different definition of what that means than I do. When a man says I love you and yet cheats on you and has lived with 5 women before you and then quickly moved on from them I can only conclude that his version of love is very different than mine. Actions that signal commitment from my point of view (declaring love, moving in together) are about as common as dirt to him and have lost all meaning. p.s. go see the movie. LOL "And a male friend, who just got dumped, informed me he slept with another woman the next day, "to get myself over it. Now I'm fine." I want my heart to be that resilient." That is harsh! Wow, he must have really loved her. All it takes is some new pussy and he is over it. I understand that romatic love is a bit different than other forms. But if you have gotten past the initial infatuation phase and actually love your partner for their unique quirks and how the whole of their personality creates a dynamic synergy with yours I don't believe you could get over it that easily. All love (romantic or otherwise) shares some key traits that seem to be on the verge of extinction between men and women. I pray to never be this resilient because to do so would negate my ability to be capable of the kind of connection I aspire to.
carhill Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 For example: I grew up in a family in which my parents stayed married until death. My father was very involved in raising me, their only child, and I was made to feel very special and loved. Same. The marked difference, being a man in a society where men are expected to follow certain patterns of behavior (sexual approach being at the forefront) in order to be considered attractive to females, is that the perspective from this socialization would keep me a virgin until my mid-30's. It was not for a lack of potentials, but rather how those potentials perceived my sexual and emotional style, ultimately, evidently, as incompatible with their own. The good news is, as one ages, one becomes comfortable with their path. So, today, if I meet a like minded woman, she will respect and appreciate my path and I hers. If not, life goes on. Having been married, relationships are certainly not the be-all and end-all of my life. BTDT
Perhaps Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I just got home from watching avatar. Im really trying to move on, do things for myself, live my life, etc...... I spent 45 minutes of the movie crying over the death, the love story and the destruction. I just feel this overwhelming sense of sorrow. I feel so raw. I can't quite explain it. Im not mourning the loss of him or the relationship because I know he is no good for me. He betrayed me in ways I could have never imagined a person could. I made the decision to leave and move out, although it was after he had already abandoned me in a thousand little ways along with his profound betrayal. Looking back I can pick out 100's of red flags that I saw and ignored along the way. I just feel so hopeless. I feel like I have lost another little piece of my idealism and innocence. Although Im 31, he was only my fourth physical and emotional relationship. I married young and spent my younger years with one person so I've really only been dating as an adult for the last 4 years. I look around and all I see is blended families, third and fourth marriages, people hooking up etc. How does everyone keep doing it? How do people mesh and bond with one another all the while thinking that this time its going to be different only to be disappointed again? Doesn't it start to lose its meaning after awhile? During one of our last arguments (in which he was seething with contempt towards me) he said that I'm an old soul, that I should've been born in another time and culture and that my values are ridiculous. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't want to be one of those people who views sex as recreation to share with strangers. Im not talking about saving it for the marriage bed but I do consider it to be a highly intimate and emotional exchange between people. I dread the idea of a sweaty stranger pawing at me with no regard for who I am as a human being. And when I am in a sexual relationship I channel my sexual energy towards my partner and feel fully bonded to him and can't comprehend the idea of tainting that connection by sharing myself with someone else. It seems men rarely have that problem. Are there any men left who crave an honest connection and a creative partnership with a woman? Are there still people who don't view a person as a conquest to be discarded or treated badly once they've won the game? I'm sorry for rambling. I can't quite put what I'm feeling into words right now. I have learned a few lessons about human nature and independence. But I will become a little harder and slightly harder to reach because of it and that saddens me. Ah, I thought people like us didn't exist anymore. Good to see there's still some people that share the same values as me. Thing is, I'm a lot younger than you and almost everyone my age thinks of sex as just a physical experience or something that any two people in a relationship do... it really disgusts me that people have no problem just sharing something so intimate with complete strangers or with people they think they love. I'm all for saving yourself 'till marriage only because I think marriage is a serious step on the commitment ladder and serves as more of a guarantee that people are Sure they want to be with their lover. Meh, my two cents =)
LovelyDaze Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 This was a pleasure to read. You appear to know your self worth. Keep that up the next time you meet someone nice that you want to date. Don't let anyone use your body and not care anything about your soul. Your heart is a precious commodity that should be worshiped by someone like-minded. I am proud of your strength!
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