Maybeitsjustme Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 And how do they all compare? Sorry folks yet another post but this is eating away at me and is all consuming, as a good friend said today "look at what she has created!" mine are some happened over a descreet period of a month of so (the courting phase?!) Membership of a dating website (no longer a member) flicking screens on the computer when i walk in the room a trunk with 3 or 4 pairs of shoes in it (never happened before or since) Flowers (from her Boss!) Boxes of chocs (giving to the co-workers and shared out) smelling of aftersahve/a mans smell mark on breast Smelling of condoms when have sex (after being away for a nite to go and see a relative) Very defensive when questioned Inconsistant responses to questions Deleting browser history when questioned about a dating website Long shopping trips normally the day after a family vacation Lying about an msn account Lying about a dating site (later found) didn't tell me truth even when spoecifically asked (to protect me) Are your experiences similar? how did you get that final piece in the jigsaw?
on1wheel Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I am so sorry, but ur being cheated on 100%. Take it from someone who had a wife do it to him. The flowers, hickies/love-bites & smell are all from him. The shoes are for things they do together. The trips are with him. The site is where she met him & contacts him. SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW!!! I do not mean to be cruel, but you need to get ready & protect yourself & your assets. Do you have children together?
1Angel Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Sorry but she's cheating. A huge red flag is anyone who has a strong need for external validation. They have none for themselves so they look for it from anyone willing to give it.
Spark1111 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I got the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle by.....doing nothing for a while except pretending everything was fine between us. This took an excrutiating amount of patience and courage and I would not reccommend it for everyone. IMHO, there is obviously a need in the cheater for both relationships; both are fulfilling some unmet need otherwise they would choose one over the other. So for me, I intercepted a strange text on his phone and then quietly went into hyperdrive; checking emails, texts, cell phone records, bank statements, etc. I also began to follow him, as I did not know where she lived. Took photos on my cell phone. Verified calls and e-mail addresses I discovered through reverse look-up programs on the net. Not cheap, but cheaper than a P.I. Lulled into a false sense of security with me, he continued his patterns and I allowed him to until I had complete proof of the deception. It was only then, when he could not lie his way out of it, did he confess. I made him leave at that point, secure in the knowledge that I had been deceived and , in my case, for a very long time, and was NOT crazy. Even during our final confrontation, he still tried to deny, claim to be "just friends," blah, blah, blah. Painful? OMG, YES! But having the truth set me free from my suspicions. Once everything was out on the table, it could be dealt with. Peace of mind.
Anopsia Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I'm so sorry you are going through this. Yes, imo there is cheating going on. It hurts like hell, but you have to deal with it. Best of luck. A
Author Maybeitsjustme Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Thanks to all especially Sparks Yeap that was going to be my next move to be the perfect partner and wait for her too get lazy, ive already commited the cardinal sin of exposeing some info but that inturn let to more info so all was not lost but know she knows. can now ad a play list from her mp3 player, nearly every song is a love song or bigging up the other person, said it was for a relative but you don't send playlists like that to a relative!
jwi71 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 When she skipped our daughter's birthday party to go to work (read have sex with) her boss. It was a Sunday.
lookin2wardthefuture Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I discovered a charge on our joint debit card to "yahoo personals". My entire body started to shake. My gut and heart knew at that moment something was up. We were about to leave for a family vacation, but I still confronted him. He tried to convince me that it was some sort of mistake. Someone must have used his card number when he charged something. Denial, betrayal, and lies, lies, lies followed. And let's not forget the favorite weapon of choice if you're not buying the lies ,DEFENSIVENESS, followed by mock hurt, and some very real fear that comes across as anger because they know they're about to get caught. I was able to pull it together for over a month after the initial confrontation, and during that time I gathered all kinds of evidence. I talked with him again, and he finally told me the truth. I swear the suspecting was harder than the knowing for me. There were times I felt as if I were losing my mind. Follow, check phone records, credit card records, and the cell phone itself. Your future is at stake and NOTHING is off limits.
dprtman09 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) Try: -Emotional detchment. -"Generic" valentine card when she used to pick cards with feelings. -Constant attention to her appearance and fragrance when she was presumably going to bingo and then I can't contact her for several hours. -Totally lame stories about going somewhere with her female friend and then I couldn't contact her for several hours. -Telling me that I couldn't contact her one night because she was charging her phone in the car. The car would have to be on for that to happen and she wasn't in it. She was "in her female friend's home". -Getting overly defensive if I objected to her going places instead of staying home or doing something with me. -Suddenly not talking about a man she always talked about. -Way too many times when I couldn't contact her. Normally, it was no problem. Some or all of this is probably present with you, too. You are being cheated on. Edited January 20, 2010 by dprtman09
dprtman09 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 And how do they all compare? Sorry folks yet another post but this is eating away at me and is all consuming, as a good friend said today "look at what she has created!" mine are some happened over a descreet period of a month of so (the courting phase?!) Membership of a dating website (no longer a member) flicking screens on the computer when i walk in the room a trunk with 3 or 4 pairs of shoes in it (never happened before or since) Flowers (from her Boss!) Boxes of chocs (giving to the co-workers and shared out) smelling of aftersahve/a mans smell mark on breast Smelling of condoms when have sex (after being away for a nite to go and see a relative) Very defensive when questioned Inconsistant responses to questions Deleting browser history when questioned about a dating website Long shopping trips normally the day after a family vacation Lying about an msn account Lying about a dating site (later found) didn't tell me truth even when spoecifically asked (to protect me) Are your experiences similar? how did you get that final piece in the jigsaw? The first stage is shock, then denial, then action. Hope you're getting to the action stage. You need to move fast to save yourself. Wish you the best.
dprtman09 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) I got the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle by.....doing nothing for a while except pretending everything was fine between us. This took an excrutiating amount of patience and courage and I would not reccommend it for everyone. IMHO, there is obviously a need in the cheater for both relationships; both are fulfilling some unmet need otherwise they would choose one over the other. So for me, I intercepted a strange text on his phone and then quietly went into hyperdrive; checking emails, texts, cell phone records, bank statements, etc. I also began to follow him, as I did not know where she lived. Took photos on my cell phone. Verified calls and e-mail addresses I discovered through reverse look-up programs on the net. Not cheap, but cheaper than a P.I. Lulled into a false sense of security with me, he continued his patterns and I allowed him to until I had complete proof of the deception. It was only then, when he could not lie his way out of it, did he confess. I made him leave at that point, secure in the knowledge that I had been deceived and , in my case, for a very long time, and was NOT crazy. Even during our final confrontation, he still tried to deny, claim to be "just friends," blah, blah, blah. Painful? OMG, YES! But having the truth set me free from my suspicions. Once everything was out on the table, it could be dealt with. Peace of mind. It took me a relatively short time to figure out that I wasn't crazy for the exact same reasons. Good for you for pointing that out! Edited January 20, 2010 by dprtman09
Author Maybeitsjustme Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 What has upset me more than the possibility of an EA or PA isthe ability to lie so convincely and whole heartedly. Im deffinitely at the need to back off stage but I really dont know how im going to catch her I hoping that by letting this cool down she will eventually get a bit too blaise and something will give me a clue. I have even been to not to call her office number (ive only ever done this once ) and was asked not to do that but to call the cell . This whole thing is making me really quite ill
2sunny Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 What has upset me more than the possibility of an EA or PA isthe ability to lie so convincely and whole heartedly. Im deffinitely at the need to back off stage but I really dont know how im going to catch her I hoping that by letting this cool down she will eventually get a bit too blaise and something will give me a clue. I have even been to not to call her office number (ive only ever done this once ) and was asked not to do that but to call the cell . This whole thing is making me really quite ill you have all the proof you need. what are you waiting for - a slap in the face? keep your integrity and dignity and get out while you still respect yourself.
DNU1 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I had a bad "gut" feeling for OM#3. OM#4 that started almost two years prior to OM#3 and completely took me by surprise. Looking back I can see the subtle red-flags...but she was very careful, very subtle and hid her tracks very well. Only thing I noticed was our sex life took a little dip...nothing earth-shattering and barely perceptable.
HappyAtLast Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Wouldn't the fact that your spouse is or was a member of a dating site be enough of a red flag for anyone??
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 wow..I'm sorry your going through this. I know it must be hard to stomach. Have you confronted her? It sounds to me like you have some pretty solid evidence.
Bubblicious Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Hi there Your gut instinct is usually right. Have a look at this research on the top ten signs of cheating and it's pretty similar http://www.spysupermarket.co.uk/spying-and-relationship-advice/top-10-signs-of-a-cheating-partner.html The difficult question, is what do you do about it? You need to be strong to be able to deal with the truth and move on with your life. Get the facts first so that they can't deny anything and talk you round. Good luck!! And how do they all compare? Sorry folks yet another post but this is eating away at me and is all consuming, as a good friend said today "look at what she has created!" mine are some happened over a descreet period of a month of so (the courting phase?!) Membership of a dating website (no longer a member) flicking screens on the computer when i walk in the room a trunk with 3 or 4 pairs of shoes in it (never happened before or since) Flowers (from her Boss!) Boxes of chocs (giving to the co-workers and shared out) smelling of aftersahve/a mans smell mark on breast Smelling of condoms when have sex (after being away for a nite to go and see a relative) Very defensive when questioned Inconsistant responses to questions Deleting browser history when questioned about a dating website Long shopping trips normally the day after a family vacation Lying about an msn account Lying about a dating site (later found) didn't tell me truth even when spoecifically asked (to protect me) Are your experiences similar? how did you get that final piece in the jigsaw?
silverplanets Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 OK (from a long time ago) these would have been the signs that I was cheating .. 1. Extra attention shown to my spouse (guilt) 2. Increased use of aftershave when going out 3. Increased stories about why I was going out and increased detail on what I'd done whilst I was out 4. More time on computer 5. Always deleted internet history 6. Put a password lock on my phone 7. Increased self confidence 8. Not arguing with spouse (willing to let things go) 9. Car mileage not mapping to stated destination 10. Better sex life at home (go figure !) Don't crucify me, it was a long time ago, I was stunningly unhappy in my marriage and did the decent thing half way though and ended the A upon discovery and never waivered in my conviction to my wife that neither her or the OW was to blame and that I wanted a divorce. Upon discovey though I found myself lieing, dodging, splitting, projecting ... in fact every trick under the book to allow me to get back in control and manage my side of it. My advice on confronting a cheater is to get as much solid info as you can and then only reveal a very small part of it ... and watch what they do ... Watching somone admit to what you know but then layer lies on the areas where they believe you don't know anything (but you do) is probably easiest way to speed you on your healing .... And also, once warned, they know not to make the same mistake again ... Get your facts, confront them with some, watch them lie on others you know about and then don't call them out on it ... just go away quietly to your lawyer or whoever and take the action you need to. I only lied for a 2 week period to give me time to tell my parents etc etc on my terms (and silence the OW on my terms !!!) ... It's a long time ago now, and I have no emotions attached to it nowadays but that was how I behaved.
Author Maybeitsjustme Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Well ive made the classic mistake of revealling info and asking questions that have allowed my partner to, i believe set up another msn account and move all contacts across - she mentioned knowledge of how to do this by has now said she would have a clue, delete notifications and possibly e-mails from the dating site and deleted a couple of other site memberships (not dating websites but useful never the less) She knows that i know about the dating website apparently she was only looking (but had a complete profile on there) and a 3 dozen favorite people. She is getting extremely hack off with my continued questioning but I am a bit of a state at the moment and struggling to hold down my job its got that bad. I want too believe her when she says that she didnt contact anyone but it also coincides with other changes? that i noticed about this time and she lied to me in the first place regarding the msn address and the dating website and even now denies that there ever was a HIM. Because she wants us to just stop talikng about it and move on im nowin the situation where i am appologiesing to HER for keep going on an on about it but I haven't done ANYTHING WRONG!!!! It just stack up and Please no more comments about growing a pair please
1_hangininthere Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I know right now you are having huge arguments between your head and your heart. Your heart wants to believe that someone you love this much could never do this to you. And your head Is calling your heart an idiot for being gullible. It's really hard to see what is going on when you're in the middle of the mess. BTW it's OK to want to believe her deceptions. It's easier than the truth. Silverplanet is right. Reveal only small bits of what you know. And do not reveal anything that would reveal your sources. I was tracking my STBx through his cell phone bill. Eventually I told him that I was looking at his account on line. He of course changed his password. I ended up leaving my H without solid proof of an A. He had cheated on me before and was acting EXTREMELY suspicious so I felt that was all I needed. BUT I still wish I had solid undeniable proof. Here's what I can say. Even if she is not being physical with another guy she is most certainly being unfaithful. Would you want your brother, friend, dad, or whomever to be treated the way you are being treated? I'm not saying "grow a Pair" I'm saying start listening to your head and get a key logger installed on the comp. Good luck friend
Author Maybeitsjustme Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks for the advice but i blew it, id most of what i shouls have i should have bought a keylogger and encourage my SO to use the home comp and not their work one. We were going to live seperately at the time (long story) if that justifies in anyway?!, I had noticed signed and thought they were just conincidences but when i found out about the dating website i was floored. Ive been assued nothing has gone on not even chats?! but why put a pic on your msn account if your not going to chat to anyone? i have lost the advantage completely here and have decided to give it a good with her but i will be watching everything and cant see this as anysort of basis for a relationship
z1850 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You might try using a semen detection kit for positive evidence. The InSite kit appears to work.
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