Ex made contact... !

[thepulse27]

Hi,

 

I don't want to bore anybody new with my story. My fiance broke up with me 6 weeks ago after nearly 4 years together. For basically no reason. We we're in LC until last Wednesday when I got into a conversation on the phone that i shouldn't have. Since then I finally came around to NC and planned to stick to it. (the 2 anniversaries we have coming up would have been tough but I'd decided I wasn't going to break). She had been such a cold, vindictive bitch the last few conversations that I really wondered what had happened to the girl I love.

 

I just got an email from her.

 

It was not malicious, it was bordering on nice. It isn't regret or pleading, but there is the offer of friendship when I'm ready.

 

I know what response that's going to get and I'm way ahead of you. No one that treats me like this gets let off that easily. And no one that doesn't want all of me gets to keep the part they want. There wil be no friendship.

 

What's bothering me is that I really want to reply to a lot of the issues she brought up. Not out of anger or pleading, I just can't stand leaving a conversation if I think I've got a point to make. I want to tell her what I've got to say, but at the same time I don't want to keep this most painful episode of my life going any longer than I've already let it.

 

Any advice (especially advice that is more thought out than the usual militant 'NC or death' type) would be really appreciated.

 

Please help!

Edited January 19, 2010 by thepulse27

[seibert253]

If you "really need to get it off your chest", then do so.

 

Send her one last letter, hand written, not an email, and lay it all out.

 

For the last sentence thank her for your time together, and tell her that you will never contact her again.

 

THEN LET IT GO.

 

Even if she tries to contact you, because she probably will to offer her "replies", IGNORE HER.

 

No need to continue this 7th grade back and forthism.

[Exit]

There's a level of self control that you can achieve where you no longer care to even prove your point or explain yourself. It takes hard work to get there, nobody likes to walk away when they have more to say, especially if it's a good response or come-back, but if you are eager to move on from this part of your life then maybe just let it go.

 

But like seibert said above me, if this is going to trip up your recovery because you'll always be wishing you had said something, then get it over with. But realize that this leaves an opening for her to respond to you, then the temptation to write back to her again, on and on and on.

 

Ideally, let it go without even needing to say anything. If you can't manage to do that, the second best choice is to write the letter for your own benefit, and then swear to yourself that you are done after that. Do not leave yourself open to more communication.

[HLP234]

If you feel that you have been doing alright moving on, don't bother. Don't keep reading that email. Just don't worry about what you had to say. Like many said, she will most likely write back and it might even be something mean to get a response out of you.

 

People can be deceiving, especially women, some of them like this girl probably know how to trip you up really good. If you feel like you would have regrets after not writing back, think of it this way: She's treated you bad, not the way you deserve.

 

Her offer for friendship means she just wants to have you around for later. If you really want to move on and what she did really hurt you, I would think again before writing her.

 

You have more control if you ignore it. She won't beg or plead for you and in another day or two you will feel better not having responded.

 

Its up to you. Don't dwell too much on it but if you want to close it off for good, just write back saying you deserve better than what she treated you and then wish her luck with everything else, while at the same time make it known you have one request, and that is for her not to talk to you anymore.

 

Either you will get a response back, and you must ignore it, or you don't get anything back and then you know it is completely done. You may feel bad if you expect a response, but if you want to move on in a healthy manner, it should not matter.

[thepulse27]

I have typed up a response. (sorry Seibert but we are currently 3000 miles away and letters aren't really an option). I think i will send it, but not yet. I need to think very hard about what I do next. I'm not going to be friends with her, and I don't want have little LC 'catch ups' with her, at least not for a long long time. But I don't feel comfortable cutting her out and then ignoring her. Frankly I'm better than that. While her emotions do still unfortunately matter to me I'm finally at a point where mine come first. And I don't think I'd be proud of myself if I ever did the 'I'm not talking to you' routine that you see in so many children (regardless of their physical age). I'm a grown up, and I'm a strong one at that, so I'd like to believe that I can face anything without hiding or running away. Since dropping the angry guilty bulls**t she has admitted how wonderful I was to her, and how good we were together. She knows what she is walking out on, although she doesn't know why (she has finally realised how confused she is and that she probably needs to seek help), and I am loathe to give her any ammunition to start thinking that she was right all along or that I am in any way immature about this.

At the same time I do know that I may be inviting replies and this could get very tiring. I'm sorry to all of you that I'm so conflicted, I know how much you are trying to help!

I know my pride is getting in the way here, but at the same time isn't that what we're trying to instil back into ourselves after someone made us feel worthless?

 

This saturday will be four years since we first met, and I think I will send it by then. I would love to hear any of your thoughts on this - even if it doesn't ultimately affect my decision, you always give me food for thought, and when I do take action, whatever it is, I will feel better for it.

[HLP234]

I know what you mean by ignoring and feeling bad about it. Well sometimes, it has nothing to do with pride but mostly the fact that you can't go from romantic relationship to friendship if you have been hurt like that.

 

It is very hard to do so, and you two will always find something that will bring either one of you down or start an argument..which will bring feelings back.

 

For me, as I am still grieving and trying to move on, friends is not an option..she left without letting me know so I'm very hurt and since she never said anything after even a month, I have nothing to say either.

 

Sure she may think that I don't care and all, but she is the one with a new partner not me. I'm going through it by taking time and not involving anyone else. In reality I do care a lot about her, but she has to realize it was her choice to leave and what she did was wrong.

 

I don't expect any future contact either..until I feel like myself again, probably have someone else, we will probably never talk. And you should only respond if she is the one contacting you.

 

But if you feel that you can move on without any problems by sending her the letter and you are aware that it may invite future contact, send it.

Its how you deal with the future stuff that you need to sort out.

[Silver_star]

I havent really read all of the other responses but I read your thread and I think that you should wait it out until after the anniversary to email her. You are not helping yourself by doing some sort of "milestone" letter for what would have been your 4th anniversay if she werent such a "vindictive bitch" as you put it. You are not over it. You are not. And although you might find that ggetting her response might help in your healing...it most likely wont. What can she say to make this better for you? Nothing. You just need to accept that its over and wait until such a time that you want nothing to do with her really, and then if you feel so obliged...email her. But it shouldnt really be about the past, and if it is you shouldnt really expect answers. You dont owe her anything and she doesnt owe you anything...You are broken up. Your relationship has now ceased to exist. Get it? Im not trying to be harsh im just sayin you may be diggin yourself in a deeper hole by doing this. Its time to get distracted with your own life, without her.

[CaliGuy]

My advice is to simply ignore her. Don't ask questions, that just leads to more questions and heartbreak.

 

The point is, she gave up on you. You don't owe her anything and doesn't really owe you answers. Make your own closure and stick with NC before you do further damage to yourself.

 

Quietly moving on is always the best option because no matter what happens you will always come out a winner.

[thepulse27]

CaliGuy and particularly Silver_star, you have given me something else to think about, thank you. It is true that in many ways the less I have to think about her the better. And I know that this is partly me hanging on because even now it's hard to let go, even of the contact with her. Exit I like what you said about self control as well. I just don't feel right ignoring her. She has many faults, but she does genuinely care, and to abruptly shut her out of my life seems beneath me.

 

I have been thinking about what I wrote last night (I know - this proves that just having her contact with me makes me think like this), and I still feel alright about what I had to say. But just now I've noticed a new possibility: to be the better man. I'm not over it, I know. But it is not consuming me now; I am thinking clearly. If I can reply, without bitterness or regret, and say what is on my mind I will feel like I have achieved something. We all say this is a chance to grow. And this seems like a chance to see if I can (unless I'm seriously deluded). I will hold on to the letter; not sending it today, or even this week doesn't mean I can't just do it later. And I'm going to think about what I'll regret saying, and what I'll regret not saying.

 

I'm sure I'll be back on here before the decision is made, and I'm sure I'll be back again once it's made. Maybe to say you were right, I don't know why I didn't listen (I know that happens a lot), but maybe to say that I feel great (until the next hiccup).

 

To everybody, thanks for your advice (and keep it coming). And even if I don't heed it, it will have helped me in some way make a decision that I'm finding difficult right now.

[HLP234]

I think it is a good idea you are putting if off on sending the letter. Just really think and plan out sort of like a flow chart of what could happen if you say something.

 

In time, I think you will feel much better this way and who knows, maybe you will not send her anything. But if you do, and you planned it out, you won't be steaming with anger or feeling like you have given the last blow. You will be indifferent about it and not caring will definitely help you move on.

[thepulse27]

thanks!

 

I want it to be exactly that way, there will be no anger or bitterness or even any heightened emotion in what I have to say. For some reason writing it has made me really happy. If at some point I think sending it will do the same then I will. If not, it's always there.

 

I think I'm finally getting to a good place, it still hurts, and I do nothing but think about her, but I don't wish her any unhappiness. I don't think it should have ended, but I'm happy it happened, and I'll learn a lot from this (like dealing with pain! I would say I'm an expert at this now, but there are people on here with years more experience, and they've helped me no end).

[CaliGuy]

OP the only way your letter will not come out bitter or jaded is to NOT SEND IT AT ALL.

 

Sleep on it for about 2 months. If you still feel like sending it then, go ahead.

[blackbear_703]

Hi thepulse,

It is a difficult choice to make regarding whether to contact the ex or not after you've made so much progress and moved on, but ultimately the choice is yours.

 

I would only contact her if my risk of being hurled back to Day 1 of the break-up is non-existent and all the pain is long gone. Otherwise, any possible reconciliation will be tainted by all the issues from the past, as well as your own pain.

 

Since you said she underwent a complete personality transformation, it's unlikely she has changed back into the girl you loved. She could be awaiting you with all her emotional baggage intact and no intentions of going beyond friendship. With that in mind, maintaining NC could be your best bet.

 

All in all it's up to you and what makes you happy. And I understand all too well what you mean by not cutting her out of your life. I haven't been able to do that to my own ex since she's meant so much to me...at least until now anyway.

 

Good luck and hope things work out for the best.

[DustySaltus]

Pulse, I've been where you are. I moved from the US to Israel to be with my EX fiance. On a tuesday night we were having a BBQ with her family and on Wednesday night I was back on a plane to the US for good. There's not a worse feeling in the world than someone quitting on you. In my case I've learned that my ex was suffering from severe abandonment issues and always thought that I would wake up one day and leave. No matter what I did or said I couldn't go into her head and connect the wires that needed to be connected to show her that I wasn't going anywhere.

 

She was extremely vindictive. She tried to get me fired from my job when I got back, she wouldn't give me back the engagement ring (did you get yours back?), she said very bad things about my family and told me she was seeing some new guy a week after I left and he was a "great, great guy..so much greater than me"....the guy never existed and she actually broke down soon afterwards. I know how vindictive someone can be.

 

I could've done so many things to her but I never did. And a few months later as Caliguy said, I do feel like a winner. I've met someone new that at the very least put a smile on my face again. I know you don't want to hear it now but it does get better. The best response to someone like this is complete silence. She wants you to respond, she wants this back and forth. And I know you say that deep down she still does care but look at the sacrifices you made for her and now she's running around with some new BOY TOY. Her actions don't deserve or merit a response. You know this. I know it's EXTREMELY hard to just move on but it's time to make yourself the center of your world again and NOT HER. She quit on you and it sucks but you have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Hold onto the letter for a while, you'd be surprised how your feelings can change in a few weeks.

[counterman]

Yes, just wait it out for a couple of months with no contact and see how you feel about it later.

 

I wanted to send a letter to my ex before and hell I actually wrote one.. but then I realised I don't owe her anything and this would just boost her ego. There were so many issues I wanted to get out.. so many things I wanted to say and some I wanted to scream, but is she worth all this? No. You'll just bring yourself more hurt and unnecessary grief.

 

With my letter, I just ripped it up into pieces. It was so relieving writing everything out and just ripping it later. I still had more to write and I wrote it on this forum but never to her. It helps.

 

Take care of yourself and don't let anyone treat you that way again.

[Ingenue]

I'd recommend writing the letter, but holding off on sending it. Sometimes, the mere act of writing out and expressing our frustrations is cathartic enough. Oftentimes, we just want to get it off our chest.

 

I remember I wrote a letter with the full intention of sending it. I was so angry at the time and I penned a missive that set forth everything that was bothering me. After I finished writing it, I realised that I didn't need to send it. The recipient would have never changed. S/he is whoever s/he is. I cannot control how people act no matter what I write. I'd like to think people change, but it takes an earnest effort to effect change and if the person treated you so poorly, I doubt s/he understands the ill behaviour. I realised that in my situation, it was better to simply control who I was and my response. The integrity of a person is judged on how an individual acts in times of emotional stress.

 

I never sent the letter. I ripped it up and I let it go after that.

[thepulse27]

'OP the only way your letter will not come out bitter or jaded is to NOT SEND IT AT ALL.'

Interesting. Thank you everyone, you have again given me a hell of a lot to think about, which I will now (probably very poorly) try and put into words.

 

Blackbear, I agree with you and her being changed, and about all that emotional baggage. Dusty, I hadn't actually bought the 'proper wedding' ring yet, I was waiting till I had the cash to buy one I thought would actually do the girl and the occasion justice. And I agree, she wants the communication, she wants the back and forth. To everyone who wrote the letter and never sent it, yes! writing it is extremely cathartic.

 

'The integrity of a person is judged on how an individual acts in times of emotional stress'

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

Here is what is on my mind:

 

This is not an attempt at reconciliation. Yes, the part of me that still loves her would like that, but the rest of me... I have lost too much respect for her for anything to be worth it for a very long time, plus without her I get to do all of the cool **** I wasn't going to be able to (like get the Ski Instructor job in Australia I turned down last year to be with her).

 

I'm not breaking NC; she wrote to me, and this would be a reply.

 

This is about ME, not her. When I look back on this I want to be able to say that I handled myself with dignity and respect, especially as I have been complaining about her lack of them recently. I will not be proud of myself if I ignore a message that somebody put a lot of thought into.

 

I know she will not listen to me about her being in a very confused rebound, or how much of a pathetic weasel her new man is, I'm not that dumb. But she spoke about wanting to see a therapist, and I really hope he brings some of this up, but I doubt it, US therapists seem to exist to tell people they are wonderful and that none of their problems are their fault (then cha-ching, and take ya money). I would like for there to be some way to make her see just how opposed her actions are to her intentions right now. Yes I know this is me meddling with her and not thinking about me, but I spent four years helping this girl through serious issues, and to see all of that undone by a manipulative prick and an identity crisis would really annoy me. I actually want her to be happy without me, not just broken and confused.

 

While obviously an attempt to keep me as a friend so she can keep all the emotional support while she does whatever she wants, her message is polite, well intentioned and actually thought provoking at times (apparently I'm not completely perfect, who'd have thunk it?). So I do feel the need to respond.

 

Finally there is my pride. I don't want her to feel like she wins this one, and not answering reeks of either 'too much of an emotional wreck to trust myself' or 'you got me, you are right and I give up'. Neither of these are true and I won't let her believe them.

 

Sorry for the length! Can't wait to see which can of worms I've opened this time.

Edited January 20, 2010 by thepulse27