RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 This is my first post...and I'm not sure if I'm even in the right category, but it seems that you'll have insite for me. I have been married to my husband for 11 years, we have three children. It's a comfortable and loving relationship, my husband isn't perfect...but neither am I. My husband has a best friend who is simply wonderful. I suppose I have a "crush" on him, but have never considered a relationship with him (or anyone else) outside my marriage. Anyway, his friend (Kevin) and I have always gotten along very well, but the last several weeks, he has been wanting to spend more and more time with me. He's made comments in the past to me that I'm beautiful, and Kevin is always there to defend my honor. He was married, and now dates, but doesn't have anyone serious in his life. This past Sunday, we spent a day with several families at the beach. While we were there, I had to run an errand, and Kevin offered to drive me. Later that day, everyone packed up and left, and I just sat on the beach watching the sunset. Ten minutes after everyone had left, Kevin came back and sat with me and we talked. Nothing serious, but we spent several hours just talking. I don't know what his feelings are for me, but I know that I feel closer to him. I need to avoid this, because I certainly don't want to fall in love, I don't want to jepordize my marriage. However, I can feel my guard coming down. At the same time, I don't want to say anything to my husband, to blow it out of proportion, or even say anything to Kevin. I don't want to put anything in the way of their friendship either. I just don't know how to avoid him, without it seeming strange to anyone, and we are all inseperable. Any advice would be appreciated.
RedDevil66 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 This is my first post...and I'm not sure if I'm even in the right category, but it seems that you'll have insite for me. I have been married to my husband for 11 years, we have three children. It's a comfortable and loving relationship, my husband isn't perfect...but neither am I. My husband has a best friend who is simply wonderful. I suppose I have a "crush" on him, but have never considered a relationship with him (or anyone else) outside my marriage. Anyway, his friend (Kevin) and I have always gotten along very well, but the last several weeks, he has been wanting to spend more and more time with me. He's made comments in the past to me that I'm beautiful, and Kevin is always there to defend my honor. He was married, and now dates, but doesn't have anyone serious in his life. This past Sunday, we spent a day with several families at the beach. While we were there, I had to run an errand, and Kevin offered to drive me. Later that day, everyone packed up and left, and I just sat on the beach watching the sunset. Ten minutes after everyone had left, Kevin came back and sat with me and we talked. Nothing serious, but we spent several hours just talking. I don't know what his feelings are for me, but I know that I feel closer to him. I need to avoid this, because I certainly don't want to fall in love, I don't want to jepordize my marriage. However, I can feel my guard coming down. At the same time, I don't want to say anything to my husband, to blow it out of proportion, or even say anything to Kevin. I don't want to put anything in the way of their friendship either. I just don't know how to avoid him, without it seeming strange to anyone, and we are all inseperable. Any advice would be appreciated. I think you just answered your own questions with this.
Angel1111 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Just start avoiding situations where you find yourself alone with him. For instance, if you're on the beach by yourself and he shows up, just jump up and say you were just going in. If you have to run an errand and he offers to join you, just politely turn him down by saying that you would enjoy the alone time. He will probably see through your excuses but he'll see them for what they are. If he asks you about it, then tell him that you're uncomfortable with the level of closeness that he seems to be going for with you. You do not want to go down this road. It will absolutely ruin everything in your life. Just admire him from a distance and leave it at that.
Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 just don't let him know you have a crush, that's the spark that lights the bomb. You might want to let your H know, a little, what's going on for prevention's sake. Even if it's just to tell him the time you've been spending w/ him.
Woggle Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Acknowledge he is an attractive man and leave it at that. My wife has some hot friends and I see they are attractive but that is where it stops. Learn some self control. Trust me you do not want to go down this road. Read some stories on this board to see where it ends.
Author RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 just don't let him know you have a crush, that's the spark that lights the bomb. You might want to let your H know, a little, what's going on for prevention's sake. Even if it's just to tell him the time you've been spending w/ him. Thank you! I actually did tell my husband that night. He completely trusts both of us. It's me that feels guilty, just because of the closeness I feel with Kevin.
WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 One word would sum it up for me....RUN!!!! Avoid one on one situations with him. Its already starting. Trust me, you don't want this road. Wanting someone you can't have is gutwrenching.
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Thank you! I actually did tell my husband that night. He completely trusts both of us. It's me that feels guilty, just because of the closeness I feel with Kevin. if you feel guilty - then there must be a reason for that. you know what that might be... it will affect your marriage if you allow this to escalate any further. pull back, you can see he's a lonely man that's attracted to you. keep a safe and solid boundary and be sure to share any feelings about this with your husband - if he's left out of how you feel about it all - you are setting yourself up to cheat. keep no secrets from hubby - just allow him to understand it all if he were in your shoes.
Author RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 if you feel guilty - then there must be a reason for that. you know what that might be... it will affect your marriage if you allow this to escalate any further. pull back, you can see he's a lonely man that's attracted to you. keep a safe and solid boundary and be sure to share any feelings about this with your husband - if he's left out of how you feel about it all - you are setting yourself up to cheat. keep no secrets from hubby - just allow him to understand it all if he were in your shoes. Absolutley. I feel guilty because I am feeling a closeness that I haven't felt for another man in a long time. I don't want to share it with my husband because I don't want to blow it out of proportion...but I do need perspective. I think that the idea of making sure that I don't spend time alone with him is good. I don't need my feelings to develop into anything more...but I also don't want to hurt his (Kevin's) feelings because I'm being silly. Does that make sense?
dazzle22 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Is that your real picture? Any man would want to steal you, even a best friend of your husband. The others are right. DO NOT get into any situations where you are alone together. Do not do any of the "lingering looks" things people get into. His motives are clear to all of us, if not to you. Sounds like you have a great life. KEEP IT!
hopesndreams Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Stop fantasizing about Kevin and spend all that pent-up energy on your H. You are making yourself sound so innocent but you're not. You are both leading each other on, waiting for that one special moment. He excites you, don't deny it.
Author RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Is that your real picture? Any man would want to steal you, even a best friend of your husband. The others are right. DO NOT get into any situations where you are alone together. Do not do any of the "lingering looks" things people get into. His motives are clear to all of us, if not to you. Sounds like you have a great life. KEEP IT! It IS a great life. Thank you!
Author RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Stop fantasizing about Kevin and spend all that pent-up energy on your H. You are making yourself sound so innocent but you're not. You are both leading each other on, waiting for that one special moment. He excites you, don't deny it. I'm not "innocent", nor am I trying to sound innocent. I've been fairly open in regard to how I feel. But I certainly don't want to be "leading him on", and because he's never made a move, I don't think he's leading me on either.
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 and I just sat on the beach watching the sunset. Ten minutes after everyone had left, Kevin came back and sat with me and we talked. Nothing serious, but we spent several hours just talking. this is not ideal for a married gal. you know it. where was your husband? you should be spending that "intimate" time for two hours with him. totally inappropriate and will always lead to deeper feelings. how would you like the thought of your husband doing this exchange with a very attractive woman?
Author RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 this is not ideal for a married gal. you know it. where was your husband? you should be spending that "intimate" time for two hours with him. totally inappropriate and will always lead to deeper feelings. how would you like the thought of your husband doing this exchange with a very attractive woman? In all honesty, I guess it would depend on who the "other woman" is. There are women I trust my husband to be around, and others who I do not. Ideal for me - no. But not unusual for us to talk (my husband took my son to see a movie). I guess (as I am working this through) is what has changed is how I feel about spending time with him now, coupled with the fact that he has been seeking my attention more.
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 In all honesty, I guess it would depend on who the "other woman" is. There are women I trust my husband to be around, and others who I do not. Ideal for me - no. But not unusual for us to talk (my husband took my son to see a movie). I guess (as I am working this through) is what has changed is how I feel about spending time with him now, coupled with the fact that he has been seeking my attention more. you are treading in VERY dangerous waters. all i can recommend is to get away from the water! you can't even trust yourself to be around this man - so why continue the temptation knowing it WILL escalate and ruin your marriage. it will if you continue - i promise! besides, you posted in the OM/OW forum - so that itself is a clue that he is being considered (in your mind) as an OM right now. go read the hundreds of stories here - you can see that they never turn out without so much pain for everyone involved.
Author RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 you are treading in VERY dangerous waters. all i can recommend is to get away from the water! you can't even trust yourself to be around this man - so why continue the temptation knowing it WILL escalate and ruin your marriage. it will if you continue - i promise! go read the hundreds of stories here - you can see that they never turn out without so much pain for everyone involved. I see your point. That being said, he has NEVER made a move on me, and I'm not going to. Again, I really needed to gain perspective on the situation...is it me who's changed, him, or both of us...and to what end? I can only answer for myself, and what I'm going to do from this point forward is make sure that when's he's around, so is someone else. That is good, solid advice.
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 or if you're willing to be honest with your H then just allow him to understand that you seem to be having inappropriate romantic feelings for his friend. that seems more fair to your H, then you can both work on things from an honest perspective of healing.
Author RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 or if you're willing to be honest with your H then just allow him to understand that you seem to be having inappropriate romantic feelings for his friend. that seems more fair to your H, then you can both work on things from an honest perspective of healing. I wonder why you think I should do that? I can't see how it would serve to help, other than to just hurt his feelings.
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I wonder why you think I should do that? I can't see how it would serve to help, other than to just hurt his feelings. why would it hurt him if he knows that the reason for telling him is to keep the M in a good place - and for him to fully understand why you shouldn't be alone with his friend anymore. be clear with him that the M is always the top priority. is there something that you have to hide from him? or are you willing to guard the happiness of your M at the expense of an outside temptation (or the possibility of one in the future). the more secretive you are about all this - the more harm that is caused to the M, is that what you want?
2sunny Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 turn the tables and pretend to be in your H position for a moment... wouldn't you at least want the respect of knowing that your H is tempted - and to be aware so that you could talk it through together? wouldn't you want him to at least give you that?
Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 It sounds like you're dealing w/ it fine. It came up, you told your H, you logged on here before instead of after the fact. Don't feel too guilty, this stuff happens. How could it not? We're still above ground ya know. It's just how you deal w/ it that matters. Over 10 years ago I felt the same way about a friend & TONS of guilt! I immediately told my H, and I actually took some time away from my friend. He was very good about drawing a line where we were never alone, because he was my friend. It totally confused me at first, but now I totally understand. I worked for his family for years after that, and he's still one of my best friends. Only now can we spend time alone together, that "crush" is gone. The recipe for my situation now was 1) a crush 2) I introduced him to my H & he never introduced me to his W 3) spent recreational time together we shouldn't have 4) we admitted a mutual attraction 5) the flirting then went out of control 6) I found out a friend was dying & I sent a good-bye note to him, getting an email the next morning he passed away. 7) stopped by OM's work the day before the funeral where he took me to a private room and kissed me. If you feel close, just back off for a little bit & it will be fine. I swear, guys don't know they're in trouble until the physical starts so he's probably clueless, although attracted. Put some safeguards in place & NEVER be near him when you're vulnerable!!!!! Vulnerable ONLY w/ your H!!! Don't feel too guilty. Men see about 2 women a day they fantasize about.
Author RosesAreRed Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 turn the tables and pretend to be in your H position for a moment... wouldn't you at least want the respect of knowing that your H is tempted - and to be aware so that you could talk it through together? wouldn't you want him to at least give you that? No. Not if nothing has happened. I would just be scared and nervous each time they got together. I need to stop something from starting before it begins (for me at least). But to tell him would just hurt him. There's nothing he can do, so why dump it in his lap? He would just feel awkward around his best friend, and I don't think that's fair to either one of them.
Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I agree....leave them to be friends & you tag along from time to time & leave it at that. Honestly, once you cross that line it's impossible to go back. I'm still having a hard time getting out of my A & I don't know why. Don't make a big deal out of it, but it's REALLY hard to get out of!!! You're at the easy part.
Heather1 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 ps- this is exactly where you make the choice.
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