What's normal?

[km]

I grew up in a dysfunctional household, was highly dysfunctional through my college years, and then started a dysfunctional relationship with the man who is now my husband. I've lived a life of dysfunction. I don't know how to be "normal."

 

With that ... we continue down this trail within my marriage. If you read past posts, you'll see that I've been coming here for years and have resolved nothing. I will say, however, that I am better (though maybe only slightly) at trying to stop my dysfunctional behavior before it gets too out of hand.

 

With that... let me give a narrative of what happened today (pretty minor, in the scheme of things) so that you can, perhaps, give me advice on how a "normal" person would handle this (if it ever happened to a normal person):

 

We were in the basement/garage, my husband and I, and I was going to reinstall the bucket seats into my minivan. I did not ask him to help - I was going to do it - but he likes to step in (where not invited) and take over whenever I start to do anything. Let me be clear -- he doesn't "help," he starts doing the task and then it has to be done his way or I get yelled at.

 

So we had to move an old piece of carpet to get at the bucket seats. He told me where to put it but I didn't want to put it there because I knew it would get dirty there, so I leaned it up against the wall about a foot away from where he wanted it and right next to the buckets.

 

So he starts to pick up one of the bucket seats and the piece of rug falls over onto that seat. He picks up the rug (in front of me) and FLINGS it across the basement (in front of me). I saw it coming, and kind of laughed, and said, "Oh, here he goes..." hoping that my pointing out the childish tantrum might stop it before it started, but it didn't. Then, after being slightly amused at my ability to see it coming, I got mad -- because it IS maddening to be married to a 12-year-old with anger issues. So I told him to get away from me, and I left to back the van into the garage, and he dropped my bucket seat in the middle of the garage and left.

 

And we didn't speak all afternoon. Over dinner (which is his job to prepare, and which he grudgingly prepared), I tried to come up with a tactful way to find out why he wasn't apologizing. I forget what I said but, SURPRISE -- he blamed the whole incident on me. Thinks that the tantrum was appropriate, and he has nothing to apologize for. Things that I started the whole thing because i wouldn't put the rug where he wanted it. I walked away telling him that these tantrums were pushing me to the edge and would eventually be the death of us, and I'm sure he's thinking that it's something about ME that will be the death of us.

 

Part of the reason I wanted to write this was to get feedback. I know feedback won't be 100% helpful without the writer knowing our history, which is long, and I expect to be given some of the blame for this by readers here. That's fine. I just want to know if HIS tantrums are normal, or if there's any way that he should not be apologizing to me.

 

The other part of the reason I'm writing this is because I',m finding this site to be a good "diary" of some of our worst issues -- I come here for feedback, when things get really bad, and it shows me just how little progress I've made on myself over the years. It's quite sad, actually. I feel quite ashamed of my own immaturity, tonight.

 

Not to mention sad at how pitiful my quest for love has turned out.

 

Sorry -- I'm signing off now.

km

 

P.S. Gawd, stop me before I scream again. He came in "my" room (where I'm avoiding him) and left with the door slightly open. He plays the TV in the other room really loudly, so I told him (yes, told - not asked, because I'm pissed) to shut it all the way and he starts an argument with me over "It wasn't shut before!" I got sick of him playing the adolescent, again, so I screamed SHUT THE F***ING DOOR. He did but, once again, I am not proud. All I want is for him to be nice, and respectful, and I end up being a total bitch because he's exactly the opposite of that. Yes, I realize that's counter-productive. I have no self-control.

Edited January 19, 2010 by km

[SoulSearch_CO]

Have you guys ever done any kind of marriage counseling? It doesn't always have to be participated in when things are in crisis (i.e., we go to therapy or I want a divorce!). It can be helpful to learn new ways to communicate with one another.

 

Specifically, in your instance, I'd say EFT or Emotionally Focused Therapy would probably benefit you two. It sounds to me like you guys are in a rut with the way you communicate with one another. One of these days, it's going to get bad enough that one or the other may walk. But it IS possible to improve.

 

I saw you guys in this article in my mind when I read about the issues you guys are having: https://transformativeparenting.sslpowered.com/MarriageArticle.html . I'm not a therapist, I don't make anything off of recommending this particular path. LOL I gather information from a lot of different sources and this just seemed to fit you guys. But really - I'd be curious to know if you guys have done ANY kind of counseling or like a communication building seminar/workshop or whatever.

 

As for how a "normal" person would react. Are you kidding? What's "normal?" Everybody has some form of dysfunction. Everybody has their broken pieces and their own unique ways of dealing with life. The way I deal with things is not going to be the way you deal with things and vice versa. I don't think this makes me good and you bad or the other way around. It just is.

 

I think a more suitable question (or helpful) would be, "What am I trying to create by acting this particular way?" If your goal is to create more distance, then you're doing it. If that's not your goal, though - then perhaps an adjustment is needed. I totally agree that his behavior is childish - but is acting the way you are in reciprocation changing how he handles things? Perhaps a different approach would help. This is why I really think you guys would benefit from EFT. Hopefully give you a chance to break out of old habits with each other.

 

I wish you the best.

[on1wheel]

Different people handle their frustrations differently. What is normal to one person is bizarre to someone else.

The real question is "do you feel that your behaviour is any better" & "has he always acted this way".

If the answers are "No" & "Yes", then you must try harder & ask the same of him.

A marriage without continuing work & comprimise is a recipe for disaster.

I wish you luck with it; I truly do.

[Ronni_W]

Given that you guys appear to have lost all respect, admiration, understanding, empathy, compassion, forgiveness and love for each other, how you two are interacting with each other is perfectly "normal". It's exactly how couples who are full of rage, hostility, blame and resentment treat each other.

 

You could have told him you didn't want the old piece of carpet to get dirty. You could have apologized for putting the old piece of carpet too close to the buckets that you knew full well were going to be needed.

 

You're BOTH throwing tantrums and acting like 12-year old adolescents with anger issues.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household, was highly dysfunctional through my college years, and then started a dysfunctional relationship with the man who is now my husband. I've lived a life of dysfunction. I don't know how to be "normal."

It is LONG past the time that you can blame your adult decisions, choices and behaviour on your childhood, or any other circumstance or person. It's a cop-out; your BS excuses for not even trying to do any better.

 

You're choosing not to pursue personal growth and development. You're choosing not to get help for your own anger and other issues. You're choosing not to learn more effective life and coping skills.

 

You're perfectly entitled to your choices, of course. You are an adult.

[Jeff1962]

Given that you guys appear to have lost all respect, admiration, understanding, empathy, compassion, forgiveness and love for each other, how you two are interacting with each other is perfectly "normal". It's exactly how couples who are full of rage, hostility, blame and resentment treat each other.

 

You could have told him you didn't want the old piece of carpet to get dirty. You could have apologized for putting the old piece of carpet too close to the buckets that you knew full well were going to be needed.

 

You're BOTH throwing tantrums and acting like 12-year old adolescents with anger issues.

 

It is LONG past the time that you can blame your adult decisions, choices and behaviour on your childhood, or any other circumstance or person. It's a cop-out; your BS excuses for not even trying to do any better.

 

You're choosing not to pursue personal growth and development. You're choosing not to get help for your own anger and other issues. You're choosing not to learn more effective life and coping skills.

 

You're perfectly entitled to your choices, of course. You are an adult.

 

I would have to agree with this.

[TaraMaiden]

Ronni - you wrote what I thought.

 

All this "Oh gee, look how dysfunctional my past was" doesn't wash, because you're making choices now, on events that are happening now.

Please understand one thing:

You have to own your behaviour, and what you do NOW.

This is what counts.

I bet when you yell at him "SHUT THE PHUKKING DOOR!" you're not thinking 'Goodness, there goes my dysfunctional past, blaring up again....'

You're thinking "I'm gonna pick an argument for the sake of it, and do things that p1$$ him off, because he sure as hell does the same to me!"

It's almost as if you're looking for, waiting for, LIVING FOR these wonderful intimate moments between you and your H., when you could cheerfully take an axe to each other.....

 

So you want things to be different?

So?

Change them.

 

If you want to.

 

By the way, "Normal" is doing something in an unforced way that makes you feel good, and makes others feel good, and makes you feel good that others feel good.

It has nothing to do with what anyone else says is 'normal'.

And it has nothing to do with whether your past was dysfunctional or not.

 

And that would be 'experience' speaking.....

[AmIWrong]

In a nutshell: you get what you give.

[KikiW]

Can you have a talk with your husband and let him know you don't like speaking to him poorly, and that you don't like being spoken to poorly, so how about you both work on changing your tones of voice? Instead of "shut the bleeping door!" how about "hey honey could you shut the door on your way out? I know you like the TV louder and I need a little quiet in here. Thank you!"

 

Think of how you would say something to your dearest friend, or you closest family member, and try and substitute what you would have said to Hubby with that. It's the little things that can make a big difference.

[1000]

I grew up in a dysfunctional household, was highly dysfunctional through my college years, and then started a dysfunctional relationship with the man who is now my husband. I've lived a life of dysfunction. I don't know how to be "normal."

 

OK normal is overrated anyway.

 

With that ... we continue down this trail within my marriage. If you read past posts, you'll see that I've been coming here for years and have resolved nothing. I will say, however, that I am better (though maybe only slightly) at trying to stop my dysfunctional behavior before it gets too out of hand.

 

Your behavior is serving a purpose. You must figure out what purpose your behavior serves.

 

With that... let me give a narrative of what happened today (pretty minor, in the scheme of things) so that you can, perhaps, give me advice on how a "normal" person would handle this (if it ever happened to a normal person):

 

OK but remember opinions vary.

 

 

 

We were in the basement/garage, my husband and I, and I was going to reinstall the bucket seats into my minivan. I did not ask him to help - I was going to do it - but he likes to step in (where not invited) and take over whenever I start to do anything. Let me be clear -- he doesn't "help," he starts doing the task and then it has to be done his way or I get yelled at.

 

"Normal" would be that the wife doesn't even try to do it in the first place (e.g. working on the car). "Normal" would be the wife saying "honey can you please reinstall the seats in the minivan. When you are done with that I have a nice cold beer, chips and sandwich and the football game on T.V. waiting for you."

 

So we had to move an old piece of carpet to get at the bucket seats. He told me where to put it but I didn't want to put it there because I knew it would get dirty there, so I leaned it up against the wall about a foot away from where he wanted it and right next to the buckets.

 

See you shouldn't have even been there by then. Once he volunteered to do the work you should have gone in to the kitchen to mop the floor or make his lunch or something.

 

So he starts to pick up one of the bucket seats and the piece of rug falls over onto that seat. He picks up the rug (in front of me) and FLINGS it across the basement (in front of me). I saw it coming, and kind of laughed, and said, "Oh, here he goes..." hoping that my pointing out the childish tantrum might stop it before it started, but it didn't. Then, after being slightly amused at my ability to see it coming, I got mad -- because it IS maddening to be married to a 12-year-old with anger issues. So I told him to get away from me, and I left to back the van into the garage, and he dropped my bucket seat in the middle of the garage and left.

 

He perceived you as being emasculating in that you didn't have the confidence in him to install the seats his own way/by himself. In his viewpoint he was trying to help you and you got mad at him. As the woman your job is to reassure and calm him down when he gets frustrated, not to mock him or make fun of him.

 

And we didn't speak all afternoon.

 

As the woman it is your job to be the peacemaker in this situation to try to salve the wounded male ego. The best way to do this is to make him something to eat that you know he will like as a peace offering. (If both people are mad talking usually doesn't do any good.) Once he has had something nice to eat and his belly is full he might be in a more placid mood.

 

 

Over dinner (which is his job to prepare, and which he grudgingly prepared),

 

Hold up there ma'am. It should NEVER be "his job to prepare" dinner. Food preparation should always be a prime function of the female as the caregiver in the relationship. Have you never heard the saying: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." You show him you love him by making his dinner and doing so in a loving and non-resentful manner. He puts in the minivan seats ("traditional masculine job"); you make dinner ("traditional feminine job."). That's "normal." (Since you asked.)

 

 

I tried to come up with a tactful way to find out why he wasn't apologizing.

 

Wrong again. You should have apologized to him. Or if you didn't feel like it, fine. But asking the other person why they didn't apologize to you (rather than simply apologizing for your part of the fight) is simply asking for another fight. It's simply extending the state of conflict.

 

 

I forget what I said but, SURPRISE -- he blamed the whole incident on me. Thinks that the tantrum was appropriate, and he has nothing to apologize for. Things that I started the whole thing because i wouldn't put the rug where he wanted it. I walked away telling him that these tantrums were pushing me to the edge and would eventually be the death of us, and I'm sure he's thinking that it's something about ME that will be the death of us.

 

No, the fight was "really" about his insecurity in his role as the man of the house, because you didn't trust him in the masculine role of putting the car seats in properly.

 

 

Part of the reason I wanted to write this was to get feedback. I know feedback won't be 100% helpful without the writer knowing our history, which is long, and I expect to be given some of the blame for this by readers here. That's fine. I just want to know if HIS tantrums are normal, or if there's any way that he should not be apologizing to me.

 

 

Well in a healthy relationship you would be apologizing to each other. However you can't really control what he does, but you can start to change your own behavior. "Hey honey I'm sorry we had that fight I know you were trying your best to put those seats in. What kind of sex would you like tonight?"

 

The other part of the reason I'm writing this is because I',m finding this site to be a good "diary" of some of our worst issues -- I come here for feedback, when things get really bad, and it shows me just how little progress I've made on myself over the years. It's quite sad, actually. I feel quite ashamed of my own immaturity, tonight.

 

It's generally best if you don't try to use your marriage as a proving ground for your political/sociological/psychological ideologies that you think you wish were true (because someone brainwashed you into believing that) but are probably not true.

 

If you want peace in the family then you need to let your man be the man and you need to be the woman. That means he puts in the car seats, his way, and you cook dinner. Without resentment. (hey what the heck your way of doing things apparently hasn't been working too well right?)

 

Not to mention sad at how pitiful my quest for love has turned out.

 

Sorry -- I'm signing off now.

km

 

Concentrate on being loving and you will receive love in return. Show him how you want him to behave, you will need to be loving to him first.

 

 

P.S. Gawd, stop me before I scream again. He came in "my" room (where I'm avoiding him) and left with the door slightly open. He plays the TV in the other room really loudly, so I told him (yes, told - not asked, because I'm pissed)

 

Once again your marriage would perhaps work better if you view it as a complex relationship between two people rather than a zero-sum contest where, if you give, you "lose" and the other person who "gets," "wins." I.e. your marriage is not or should not be a zero sum game but I would guess you view your marriage as a zero sum game. I.e. because he did something "wrong" (leaving the door open) you felt justified ("I'm pissed") in demanding (telling him not asking him) to close the door. All that did was add fuel to the fire. You probably knew it would add fuel to the fire. So why do that? Remember your marriage is not a competition with your husband, or should not be. Rather it should be a collaboration.

 

 

 

 

to shut it all the way and he starts an argument with me over "It wasn't shut before!" I got sick of him playing the adolescent, again, so I screamed SHUT THE F***ING DOOR. He did but, once again, I am not proud. All I want is for him to be nice, and respectful, and I end up being a total bitch because he's exactly the opposite of that. Yes, I realize that's counter-productive. I have no self-control.

 

Let me ask you something--if you are dealing with a small child who is throwing a tantrum, is it useful for the adult to also throw a tantrum? No of course not, that accomplishes nothing.

 

If your husband has a problem with temper control and throwing tantrums, the solution is NOT for you to respond "in kind."

 

I do not think you necessarily lack "self control." I think you might have a distorted view of what a healthy, functioning marital relationship would look like.

 

Remember: YOUR marriage is not an appropriate battlefield to play out your political ideologies re: feminism, etc.

 

Cook the freakin' dinner for crissakes. With a smile.

[dazzle22]

You are in a "dance" together, and you both have found the perfect partner to replay what I suspect are your family of origin issues. You really do sound like two immature teenagers who yell at each other indiscriminately.. Let me guess, were both your families like this?

[km]

Part of my dysfunction is not accepting criticism well.

 

I had really posted my original post because I KNOW I act badly, but don't seem to be able to stop. Not because I "blame" my actions on my past, but because I have no good examples from which to learn how to appropriately behave. Because my history left me with the emotional intelligence of a naive 15 year old. Because I need to learn, and (due to the way I've isolated myself, over the years), I have no place from which to receive input but message boards like this. Pitiful, yes.

 

Some of the comments that, essentially, told me to 'stop acting like that,' clearly aren't coming from people who have the level of mental/emotional stagnation that I have. If I could "just stop," I would, in a flash. I have no self-control. You can believe in that as a disability or not but, to me, it is. Interestingly, I was able to quit drinking, years ago, with no outside assistance, but now find myself unable to quit opening my mouth.

 

Oh, f*ckit. No matter what I say here, it will come across as lame to many of you. Some of you offered me good advice about getting help for this stagnation and lack of control. I am trying to do that (why don't counselors return calls?).

 

I would just advise some of you to not assume that we all have the capabilities or insights that, perhaps, you have. Some of us need help, being better. Some of us REALLY don't know where to start, as we've had no good examples - NONE - EVER - in our lives. I'm not using that as an excuse; I'm reaching out for good examples.

 

To those who inquired - I honestly don't know what my husband's childhood home life was like. I get the impression that mom didn't much care about anyone but herself, and yet was supposed to be "worshipped," anyway. Dad had alzheimer's by the time I met him, so I don't know what he was like. And the entire family yells at each other to communicate, then forgets it the next day. GENUINELY forgets it. So, perhaps, my husband thinks yelling and swearing is no big deal -- but, to a person who grew up in a house where yelling might result in someone storming out, hitting a teenage kid, or trying to jump out of a moving car -- yelling makes me cringe in terror. Still. No, it shouldn't, but it does. My husband knows this -- it doesn't stop him from throwing his tantrums. I defend myself by trying to be more threatening, I guess (I'll hurt you before you can hurt me).

 

Does hypnosis work, with impulse control issues? I know that's the "easy way out," but I really just have to STOP, and THEN "learn" how to stop.

 

But - I wish I could get HIM to stop, too. And don't give me the "treat him better and he'll treat you better," or "you get what you give" line. I get crap no matter what I give. Really. I was a sweetheart when I met him, nothing like I am now, and he still treated me badly. At that time, I blamed it on drugs. Now, the drugs are gone, but the behavior remains.

 

Anyone whose actually read this far -- I'm not looking for a response. I'm having another bad night with him, and just need to vent. I sometimes find that writing to others does help clarify things in my own mind, so that's all this is. If you want to reply, "You're perfectly entitled to your choices, of course. You are an adult."

 

Told you i don't take criticism well... ;-)

[Be Happy]

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[km]

Okay - I get it. I'm insane.

 

Which brings me back to a question I asked previously, somewhere: is it better, when seeking counseling for "personality" issues, to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, or can I get counseling that's just as good from a social worker or "licensed counselor?" The people available to me, under my insurance, in my area, are very limited -- there's' maybe one or 2 psychologists, and one of them has already proven himself unreliable, so most of my choices are LSW or LPCs.

 

Any opinions on differences or lack, thereof?

[TaraMaiden]

Part of my dysfunction is not accepting criticism well.

There you go - you see. You've made a point that we have assumed or surmised that you've been leaning on your dysfunction to explain what is going on now - and you've protested we're incorrect - Now you're saying that what I would consider to be a pretty common standard reaction is part of your dysfunction. It's not dysfunctional to not accept criticism well.

 

And i think you're confusing heartfelt advice and experiential input as criticisms.

I don't think you're reading us right.

But this is a crappy way of communicating anyway. It's really not ideal....

 

I had really posted my original post because I KNOW I act badly, but don't seem to be able to stop. Not because I "blame" my actions on my past, but because I have no good examples from which to learn how to appropriately behave.

Actually, I can't believe that, unless you've been living in a bubble and have interacted with nobody save those in your immediate family.

I'm sure you've seen, witnessed or observed other forms and ways to react and engage with others. On TV, through this forum, in programmes, in magazine articles... even in real-life situations.

have none of these ever said to you -

"Now that's a better way to go!" or has the thought that you could try the same methodology simply never occurred to you?

 

Because my history left me with the emotional intelligence of a naive 15 year old. Because I need to learn, and (due to the way I've isolated myself, over the years), I have no place from which to receive input but message boards like this. Pitiful, yes.

No, not pitiful, but if this truly is your only option, what is stopping you from picking tips up and using them, then?

 

Some of the comments that, essentially, told me to 'stop acting like that,' clearly aren't coming from people who have the level of mental/emotional stagnation that I have. If I could "just stop," I would, in a flash. I have no self-control.

Actually, you have. in spades.....

 

You can believe in that as a disability or not but, to me, it is. Interestingly, I was able to quit drinking, years ago, with no outside assistance, but now find myself unable to quit opening my mouth.

" 'Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured."

 

You know drinking to excess is bad for you.

You probably have a great deal of experience, and additional information telling you that.

Occasionally, socially, it's not a dreadful thing, in and of itself, but indulge too much and it's totally destructive.

so you stopped the spiral of self-destruction, and prevented the situation getting worse.

 

What's different to this problem?

 

Oh, f*ckit. No matter what I say here, it will come across as lame to many of you. Some of you offered me good advice about getting help for this stagnation and lack of control. I am trying to do that (why don't counselors return calls?).

because they're over-stretched? @$$holes? impolite? Who knows?

keep chasing.

You don't come across as lame.

But you do come across a little like a wounded dog someone's trying to help, But you're snapping at their fingers.

And that's ok, it's understandable. But at one point or another, you're going to have to surrender to the fact that the solution for your problems really does lie within you.

 

I would just advise some of you to not assume that we all have the capabilities or insights that, perhaps, you have.

 

And isn't that why we're trying to share them with you? To give you some insight that you have found impossible to develop?

Loisten, we never developped these insights WHILE we went through our own personal crap. These csme later. Whilst you're in the thick of it, the wood for the trees....you know?

 

Some of us need help, being better. Some of us REALLY don't know where to start, as we've had no good examples - NONE - EVER - in our lives. I'm not using that as an excuse; I'm reaching out for good examples.

OK. I hate to mention this, but you could do worse than read up on DR Phil's Life Laws. Really, it's not a bad place to start.

 

To those who inquired - I honestly don't know what my husband's childhood home life was like. I get the impression that mom didn't much care about anyone but herself, and yet was supposed to be "worshipped," anyway. Dad had alzheimer's by the time I met him, so I don't know what he was like. And the entire family yells at each other to communicate, then forgets it the next day. GENUINELY forgets it. So, perhaps, my husband thinks yelling and swearing is no big deal -- but, to a person who grew up in a house where yelling might result in someone storming out, hitting a teenage kid, or trying to jump out of a moving car -- yelling makes me cringe in terror. Still. No, it shouldn't, but it does. My husband knows this -- it doesn't stop him from throwing his tantrums. I defend myself by trying to be more threatening, I guess (I'll hurt you before you can hurt me).

So really, you're not the only one who needs help tackling this, are you?

He's just as much playing into this scenario, as you are....

 

(. . .)But - I wish I could get HIM to stop, too. And don't give me the "treat him better and he'll treat you better," or "you get what you give" line. I get crap no matter what I give. Really. I was a sweetheart when I met him, nothing like I am now, and he still treated me badly. At that time, I blamed it on drugs. Now, the drugs are gone, but the behavior remains.

No.

You have to treat each other better. Have respect, limitations and boundaries. At the moment, it sounds like a competitive free-for-all....

 

Anyone whose actually read this far -- I'm not looking for a response. I'm having another bad night with him, and just need to vent. I sometimes find that writing to others does help clarify things in my own mind, so that's all this is. If you want to reply, "You're perfectly entitled to your choices, of course. You are an adult."

 

 

well, sorry, you got a response anyway.

but irritating or aggravating as it may sound, you not only have to acknowledge that you do have choices, you're also ENTITLED to make them. You have that right. The choices are there because there is no reason why you should be - or feel - compelled to settle for anything less.

 

Told you I don't take criticism well... ;-)

Neither does the Pope. neither do many people.

 

And that's OK.

you don't have to take anything well.

 

But take it anyway.....

 

Some medicine is foul. It's utterly disgusting, distasteful and can be plain dangerous. But it's still there to help a condition improve.

 

bit like that.....

[Ronni_W]

...I KNOW I act badly, but don't seem to be able to stop. Not because I "blame" my actions on my past, but because I have no good examples from which to learn how to appropriately behave.

km,

I know that it's frustrating to be in, and terribly difficult to get out of, such a cycle of ingrained self-sabotaging behaviour. And then we beat up on our Self because we "should" know how to do life and relationships better. It just gets nastier and 'horrible-er'.

 

I'd encourage you to just keep leaving messages with those counselors who aren't calling you back, and keep searching for others. In the meantime, here are a few 'emotional intelligence' sites that you may find useful:

~ emotionalintelligencecentral.org/video/index.html

~ eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

~ richbits.com/RBArchives/backissuesRBNEW.htm

 

For myself, I have no way of proving it but I claim to be the "queen of dysfunctions" You name it, I have it -- that's what it feels like to me. Well...more accurately, I have had it at some point in the past. Not that I've mastered any one of them yet, but I have overcome plenty enough.

 

Even though you're telling yourself that you have little or no self-control -- I am going to disagree with you. Because that is exactly what I used to tell myself before I was ready to take ownership of and responsibility for my own crap. We have more than enough self-control. What we're lacking is the will to use it.

 

And you have more than enough examples of how to behave appropriately. When you're watching TV or a movie, you sure do know who is being "bad" and who is being "good" -- you do know. And when you act in ways that you do not like for yourself, you do know that, too. You don't need any more "examples" of how to act, really. If you were to be very honest with yourself. Again, I'm talking from my own experience.

 

I do get where you are. And, yes, it is a long road to get where you want to be. But you CAN do it. You do have the intelligence, the desire and the self-control necessary to achieve your goals about this.

 

There are also self-help options, though it is easier and faster when you have the benefit of professional feedback and guidance. One drawback is, of course, that your current environment does not support personal growth and development. A professional will be able to help you minimize the effect of that.

Told you i don't take criticism well... ;-)

No, actually -- you did MUCH better than I used to be able to do!

Feel free to PM me should you ever prefer to vent in private.

 

And, of course. Very best of luck. You CAN do this. You do have the personal resources. You're only needing the outside/professional guidance and support.

[HeyThere]

When looking for an individual counselor, pick one that your gut tells you is good/great. Generally they come in three basic varieties psychiatry, psychology and social worker. A psychiatrist is a M.D. and can prescribe drugs, be alert of those that push drugs for the sake of drugs. A psychologist is a Ph. D. and can provide talk therapy only. A social worker may have a bachelor’s, or master’s and in rare cases a Ph. D. and also provide talk therapy only.

 

You may want to test drive a few before you make a decision. A little caution will go a long way in selecting the best professional. In my area fees are between $150 and $250 per 50 minutes and well worth the investment for a top notch professional. You can justify the expense as a life giving treatment.

 

Best of everything.