MarieMarie Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I know this is a pretty shallow topic, but it's really bothering me and so I was wondering if anyone has any advice. I'm in a relationship with a guy whose ex is drop dead gorgeous. He was with her for three years even though they were pretty incompatible personality-wise. He eventually broke up with her and chalks the relationship up to "having his priorities in the wrong place." They have no contact whatsoever now. We've been dating for almost a year and he always talks about how happy he is with me. But I feel very insecure looks-wise. I'm cute enough (I'd say an 8 out of 10), but she was definitely a 10 and I can't help thinking that he must feel like he traded down in terms of looks. Any advice on how to get over this? It just eats away at me. Thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I used to be jealous of a girl my ex knew who was an ABSOLUTE stunner. It really knocked me for six. But remember, your ex broke up with her and they have no contact so no matter how beautiful she was, he gave that up. Its easy to obsess about these things but don't let it spoil your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyJake Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Does your boyfriend tell you how hot/gorgeous you; how attracted to you he is? Does he make you feel attractive? Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 His ex is gone for a reason and you are there for a reason. Glad he had the lesson of priorities and he has a clearer view of what is important to him. It doesn't seem like he feels he traded down in anything as if he was not happy with your looks he could find someone he is happy with. Maybe look at why you feel the need to compete in your own mind with someone who is now insignificant. Sounds to me like you are the only person finding yourself on the short end of the stick. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyJake Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Sounds to me like you are the only person finding yourself on the short end of the stick. I agree; I suspect the jealousy comes from the OP's own values. I think she prides herself on her looks (nothing wrong with that!), and that is where the issue comes into play. If her boyfriend lets her know how attractive he finds her, she should be able to let this go... Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I doubt he thinks he traded down, if they were incompatible and you guys are great together chances are he thinks he traded up. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Agree with Clep and onlyJake. People that pride themselves on appearances are much more prone to jealousy. I was a very pretty child and I won all sorts of beauty competitions. When I got to my teen years I became much more average looking, developed bad spots and beat myself up about it SO badly. I still have self-esteem issues from it now. And its because I prided myself so much on being cute or pretty, rather than very much else. Even if someone isn't attractive, there's much more that makes you worthy of love. Remind yourself of these things as well as your physical worth Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Initially being with a very attractive person is a novelty, and a rush, but if there is no personality compatibility, that quickly fades. There are drop dead actresses out there whose spouses file for divorce, right???.... Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 There is definitely a way to view this as a positive. Men are always going to lust over supermodel-types, let's not downplay that. However, men who have never actually been in a relationship with a so-called "10" will always wonder if they could "get one", if they have the "game" or whatever to land a hottie. A guy who has been there, done that, and had it not work out for him will at least have had the experience, and learned from it. He probably realized that once the physical aspect of their relationship cooled off a bit he was left with an emotionally or intellectually incompatible mate. That said, he should still make an effort to let you know that he thinks you are beautiful, sexy, etc. Does he? Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Don't worry, the fact that his ex is a ten and you're so high up there too just means he has good taste! Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 This competitive thing with looks, reminds me of guys who worry about penis size and virility with the exes of their SOs. "Yeah, yeah, baby, I've never had anyone bigger or better". Now if you look at it this way, MarieMarie, don't you see how silly it sounds? Wouldn't your b/f still be with her, if all he cares about is looks? For that matter, he's openly acknowledged that he chose her for the wrong values. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 I know this is a pretty shallow topic, but it's really bothering me and so I was wondering if anyone has any advice. I'm in a relationship with a guy whose ex is drop dead gorgeous. He was with her for three years even though they were pretty incompatible personality-wise. He eventually broke up with her and chalks the relationship up to "having his priorities in the wrong place." They have no contact whatsoever now. We've been dating for almost a year and he always talks about how happy he is with me. But I feel very insecure looks-wise. I'm cute enough (I'd say an 8 out of 10), but she was definitely a 10 and I can't help thinking that he must feel like he traded down in terms of looks. Any advice on how to get over this? It just eats away at me. Thanks... This may sound like BS coming from a guy, but looks only go so far. It's what's under the surface that determines whether or not there's long-term potential. And having incompatible personalities means their relationship was on borrowed time. It's amazing the degree to which attraction is a product of the other person's personality, wit, sense of humour, charisma, and a bunch of other factors that aren't on the surface for all to see. Besides, beauty is subjective, and each one of us is our own most brutal critic. I'll bet that, in his eyes, you're far more beautiful than his ex ever was. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 don't worry...just think to yourself, "Maybe she just gave weak head!" Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 don't worry...just think to yourself, "Maybe she just gave weak head!" Ahaha. Lmao!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MarieMarie Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 Wow, thank you so much for the replies! I'm already starting to feel better. Yes, he does tell me I'm attractive, but I just feel that objectively she is so perfect that there's no way I can compete. I liked the comment about penis size - it's so true that guys obsess over that, but it really doesn't make much difference to me. I also liked the point about how now that he's seriously dated a 10, it's kind of like he's already "been there, done that" and knows that being with someone whose beautiful but incompatible isn't all it's cracked up to be. And yes, this issue has sooo much to do with my own feelings of self-worth (or lack there of...), but don't even get me started there Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 Wow, thank you so much for the replies! I'm already starting to feel better. Yes, he does tell me I'm attractive, but I just feel that objectively she is so perfect that there's no way I can compete. I liked the comment about penis size - it's so true that guys obsess over that, but it really doesn't make much difference to me. I also liked the point about how now that he's seriously dated a 10, it's kind of like he's already "been there, done that" and knows that being with someone whose beautiful but incompatible isn't all it's cracked up to be. And yes, this issue has sooo much to do with my own feelings of self-worth (or lack there of...), but don't even get me started there I also meant to say that when my current bf and I started dating I was in a very similar position. I found all these old pictures on his computer (which he had forgotten about and has long since deleted) of his last ex who was a very conventional large breasted, blonde bombshell "10". And I've always been a pale skinny brunette with modest 32c boobs. Made me feel very insecure and inadequate. So I know exactly how you feel! I'm not really sure what exactly ended their relationship as we don't talk about exes much, but the important thing is that he loves me and values me and finds me attractive. I just had to love and value myself and not worry about his past. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyJake Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 To clarify what I said before, the relationship between jealousy and a person's self-esteem has been found to be fairly insignificant. Rather, jealousy is linked to one's self-worth - so you're more likely to feel jealous in areas that are relevant to your self-worth, in this case how you look. I'm speculating here, but it sounds like being good looking is at least part of what you base your identity on (I'm a "hot" girl). To you, looks are something that are very important (again, nothing wrong with that). So you're concerned that your boyfriend's ex is more valuable or "better" than you - you're an 8, but she's a 10. What everyone said about realizing that their relationship didn't work out and that he probably doesn't place as much importance on looks as you do is good advice, and should help you get over these feelings. It's fine and good for your boyfriend to compliment you on how you look, but that won't do much good in making you feel better because you perceive his ex as being better looking. I'm betting your boyfriend doesn't value physical appearance to the extent you do, so try to focus on that. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I know this is a pretty shallow topic, but it's really bothering me and so I was wondering if anyone has any advice. I'm in a relationship with a guy whose ex is drop dead gorgeous. He was with her for three years even though they were pretty incompatible personality-wise. He eventually broke up with her and chalks the relationship up to "having his priorities in the wrong place." They have no contact whatsoever now. We've been dating for almost a year and he always talks about how happy he is with me. But I feel very insecure looks-wise. I'm cute enough (I'd say an 8 out of 10), but she was definitely a 10 and I can't help thinking that he must feel like he traded down in terms of looks. Any advice on how to get over this? It just eats away at me. Thanks... I understand how that can be really intimidating. You should take it as a compliment however, he likes very beautiful women; he obviously thinks you are also very beautiful. Secondly, there's been a lot of hub-bub lately. "He loves me but I think he just likes my personality" It's pretty ridiculous. As my e-sis says "If there is no attraction the guy is gone, period." There is nothing wrong with it if your personality and soul make you the hottest woman alive to a man, if anything throw a party that your love is not superficial! Link to post Share on other sites
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Try not to assume that men are turned on strictly by some numerical rating of a woman, it is much more subjective than that once people get closer day to day and sexually involved. True, that 10 will turn more heads on the street, but relationships are not conducted "on the street." You may very well have some physical quality, mannerism or trait(s) that drives him wild with attraction that the 10 never had. For example, the last "perfect 10" I dated was in 2007 for almost a year. She definitely turned heads on the street to the point of annoyance. Sexually though, I was not nearly as viscerally attracted to her as to the 7.5-8 I dated next for only three months, and when remembering sex from the past, I hardly ever think about the 10 these days, but still think and fantasize about the 8 regularly. Neither was better in bed than the other, there was just something about the 8 that was much hotter for me. Again, once a relationship starts all sorts of subjective factors come into play that aren't reflected in a picture or out on the street. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I know this is a pretty shallow topic, but it's really bothering me and so I was wondering if anyone has any advice. I'm in a relationship with a guy whose ex is drop dead gorgeous. He was with her for three years even though they were pretty incompatible personality-wise. He eventually broke up with her and chalks the relationship up to "having his priorities in the wrong place." They have no contact whatsoever now. We've been dating for almost a year and he always talks about how happy he is with me. But I feel very insecure looks-wise. I'm cute enough (I'd say an 8 out of 10), but she was definitely a 10 and I can't help thinking that he must feel like he traded down in terms of looks. Any advice on how to get over this? It just eats away at me. Thanks... Is your BF the best looking guy YOU'VE ever dated? My relationship is definitely the best relationship I've ever had, but he is not the hottest guy I've ever been with. He is the best in many other ways while the hottest guy I've ever dated had nothing else going for him and I couldn't stand his personality. He didn't even get to a third date! In no way do I longingly think of any ex or compare my husband unfavorable to anyone. You shouldn't assume someone can't see you the same way for all your awesome qualities. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 You know how people always want to date models? They make great eye candy, but from what I know, most of them lack personality. I know someone who used to model on the side and she told me that the guys she used to date were so lame that she rather date a regular guy with a big heart. That's the same thing with your boyfriend. He may have had a gorgeous ex, but trust him when he said they're incompatible. Sometimes looks can only go so far. Being attractive gets you through the door, but it doesn't mean it can mean you won't get kicked out the door afterwards. My story- I'm a cute girl with small boobs. The guy I'm " seeing" tells me big boobs are overrated. Even though I have small boobs he tells me they're just perfect, and he always makes an effort to play with them when we have sex. Not only that, he loves my curves even though I hate them. So yes when a man tells you that you're gorgeous and beautiful, believe him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts