Vicious cycle with my mother

[EricaH329]

This has been driving me crazy my whole life. I'm deciding to post about this now because i'm already dealing with a lot, emotionally, and this just put me down even more.

 

My mother has always been emotionally unstable. Over the years, she's gotten a bit better. I moved back home out of necessity, and now that I don't need to be here anymore, I still am.

 

I am because she is struggling financially. Seriously struggling. If I were to leave, she would probably lose her house. This alone, causes her stress. I work full time and give all of my money to her. Not because I feel like I have to, but because she works so hard already that I am not going to sit on the sidelines and watch everything she's worked so hard for, go to waste.

 

Lost my train of thought, I just endured another 30 minute b*tching session.

 

Ok, so anyway. Nothing I ever do is good enough. I seriously think half the time what she really wants to say is "I wish I never had children." but she doesn't. She hints at it very well though.

 

I understand she needs a place to vent out her anger and stress, but why i'm always the one getting all of it I don't understand. You'd think she would give me a little bit of leeway, considering she's been badgering me my whole life.

 

I won't sit here and play the victim card, I gave my fair share of crap to her when I was younger. But now that i'm trying really hard to make things easier on her, she continously complains and puts me down all the time. It's extremely stressful!

 

I'm just venting. It's really a lot worse than i'm making it out to seem like, but it's very, very stressful just talking about it. Plus, I promised to make dinner tonight so she would shut up.

[dazzle22]

You two are "dancer partners" who know each other's steps well, in fact, she taught this dance to you. The only way to stop it, is to bow out of the dance yourself, because you can't change her. Sometimes we have to let our adult family members face the consequences of their own life choices and mistakes. Of course, this is easy for me to say, but that is why you ask for our opinions right, because we are objective and outside the situation. Sounds rough...

[EricaH329]

You two are "dancer partners" who know each other's steps well, in fact, she taught this dance to you. The only way to stop it, is to bow out of the dance yourself, because you can't change her. Sometimes we have to let our adult family members face the consequences of their own life choices and mistakes. Of course, this is easy for me to say, but that is why you ask for our opinions right, because we are objective and outside the situation. Sounds rough...

 

Thank you for your advice! I know I probably shouldn't stick around for this, but I really just can't bring myself to leave her at this time. She cries every single night because she feels like she failed as a mother because she needs me here to help take care of things.

 

I'm in a really bad situation. The constant stress that I have to deal with every single day, is becoming so overwhelming. She thinks I don't care anymore, but that's the only way I stay sane! Is to just brush it off.

 

But on the other hand, she has provided for my brother and myself our whole lives. She has always made sure there was food in the fridge and a roof over our heads. Now I feel as though she needs me. As painful as that is for her.

 

I suppose this was more of a just a rant, in hopes that someone would understand where i'm coming from. I'm not planning on leaving her by herself, even though her contradictory arguing sometimes shows otherwise.

 

It's just insanely stressful.

[Eve]

Try and find a compromise through the hard times and the good. Hope things settle down soon.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[dazzle22]

I don't think you can see clearly here because everything is so "entangled" here. As an outsider, she sounds emotionally manipulative. Crying every night because she has failed as a mother, yet gives you the impression that she wishes she'd never had children and you can never please her?... This is the proverbial "double bind" way of guilting and controlling your children... sounds a lot like my grandma who drove me and my mom nuts!!

 

Do you have any counseling benefits available through your job? I don't think you will be able to sort your way out of this emotional maze without an outside observer. Too much "guilting" going on, and has been, for a long time..

[Ronni_W]

Hi Erica.

It sounds quite horrible...for you and for your mother.

More like you're "chained" together with no hope of escape than it being a loving, reciprocal arrangement where both are feeling appreciated and cared for.

 

If she is feeling guilty for having failed as a mother...that is not usually the reaction of someone who actually wishes she never had kids. Those types of messages would be coming more from, "If I didn't have kids then I would never have failed them."

 

You're both feeling overwhelmed, helpless, guilty, etc., etc.

 

No need to tell you that it will be very difficult...well, it will take a lot of work (patience, love, forgiveness, empathy, and more patience) to change the dynamic between the two of you. Especially to become self-loving and self-forgiving.

 

Big hugs. It's awful to have an awful relationship with one's mother...and one's daughter. My mom and I have been there, too. It was terribly depleting, exhausting and soul-sucking...on both of us.

 

EDIT: Feel free to message me if or whenever.

[EricaH329]

Try and find a compromise through the hard times and the good. Hope things settle down soon.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Thank you

 

I don't think you can see clearly here because everything is so "entangled" here. As an outsider, she sounds emotionally manipulative. Crying every night because she has failed as a mother, yet gives you the impression that she wishes she'd never had children and you can never please her?... This is the proverbial "double bind" way of guilting and controlling your children... sounds a lot like my grandma who drove me and my mom nuts!!

 

Do you have any counseling benefits available through your job? I don't think you will be able to sort your way out of this emotional maze without an outside observer. Too much "guilting" going on, and has been, for a long time..

 

Yes, it is very taxing. I've been dealing with this my whole life, but never really understood the amount of stress it causes until I got older.

 

I was thinking about seeking therapy, but unfortunatly my job doesn't have that option for me. My mother is already in counseling, but if it's working then I can't tell.

 

Hi Erica.

It sounds quite horrible...for you and for your mother.

More like you're "chained" together with no hope of escape than it being a loving, reciprocal arrangement where both are feeling appreciated and cared for.

 

If she is feeling guilty for having failed as a mother...that is not usually the reaction of someone who actually wishes she never had kids. Those types of messages would be coming more from, "If I didn't have kids then I would never have failed them."

 

You're both feeling overwhelmed, helpless, guilty, etc., etc.

 

No need to tell you that it will be very difficult...well, it will take a lot of work (patience, love, forgiveness, empathy, and more patience) to change the dynamic between the two of you. Especially to become self-loving and self-forgiving.

 

Big hugs. It's awful to have an awful relationship with one's mother...and one's daughter. My mom and I have been there, too. It was terribly depleting, exhausting and soul-sucking...on both of us.

 

EDIT: Feel free to message me if or whenever.

 

Thank you!

 

If I were younger, I wouldn't have stuck around through this. In fact, when I was younger, I was never around for this exact reason. There really is no getting through to her. She is caught up in her own world, and there's no compromising.

 

Even though internally I have no patience for her, I do not show her this. I sit through all of her ramblings, complaining, b*tching, crying, and show her the most respect I possibly can. I do not argue with her. I agree with everything she says (mostly because i've found that to be the easiest way out).

 

She doesn't know the amount of stress it causes me, because I never let her see that. There's already one ball of mess running around, imagine if there were two? Oh geez....

 

Someone needs to have their head on straight. It just sucks, you know? To be doing everything you possibly can to help someone you love out, and they never acknoweledge it, unless they are arguing and saying "Well... you used to do this for me..." and that's when I realize that she actually took notice in something I was doing previously.

 

First, it was get a job. I got one. Within days of moving back. Next it was for me to get a job closer to home. I am still working on that. Now its I need to make more money. Then it's me making dinner 5 days a week isn't enough. It's always something. And when I fix it, there's always something more to be added onto that.

 

On top of her constant b*tching that her life is miserable and no one cares about her.

 

Oh goodness, I don't know how you all must feel after reading this.

 

It's just hard. But I need to push through it, for her sake. I know i'm doing the right thing by staying here with her. Whether she wants to acknowledge it or not.

[EricaH329]

Also, she has bad anxiety. Which she constantly throws in my face and says that i'm the cause of all of it.

 

I have anxiety too! I'm given medicine for it on a regular basis, but she doesn't take that into account.

 

You know how many times she tells me that i'm going to be the death of her?

 

For the longest time, I hated her. I wanted nothing to do with her. Then when I got older, I realized that I need to forgive her. Because this isn't her fault. It's not her fault that she became insane. It's not her fault that, for some unknown reason, she's not able to stop playing the victim card and abusing those around her who love her.

 

What it all comes down to, is the fact that she's my mother. She did raise us with all of the necessities needed. She's worked 3 jobs at one point just to make sure we were able to pack lunches for school.

 

I never realized how much better I would feel after getting all of this out.

[alphamale]

Plus, I promised to make dinner tonight so she would shut up.

what did u make?

[Ronni_W]

Yes, I do know how much it sucks to be giving everything that is within your reasonable power and to still not have that acknowledged or appreciated. I do know.

Even though internally I have no patience for her, I do not show her this. I sit through all of her ramblings, complaining, b*tching, crying, and show her the most respect I possibly can. I do not argue with her. I agree with everything she says (mostly because i've found that to be the easiest way out).

Well, first. What you're saying there is that you're acting the way you're acting out of self-interest; out of it being your "easiest way out". That's a GOOD thing...but sometimes we forget that we're actually making choices that we believe best serve our Self.

 

It's kind of more that your old choices are no longer working in the ways that they used to [because] They were not the most functional, so their effectiveness was not going to offer permanent solutions.

 

Personally, I do not believe that it is "respectful" to just sit through people rambling, complaining, bitching and crying. It's not helpful to, or respectful of their own growth and development; and there certainly isn't any self-respect involved, either.

 

No problem that you don't argue with her. But you're also not expressing your own feelings, needs and frustrations. That can be done assertively, effectively, clearly, lovingly...without actually arguing or raising your voice. It won't make you just another "ball of mess" to assert yourself as a human being with needs, feelings, disappointments and frustrations of your own.

 

Believe me, I get that hers is a difficult personality to get along with. At the same time, how is she ever going to be able to help you ease your stress if you don't tell her about it?

In any case, I would suspect that she does have some inkling...otherwise, she'd not be feeling like such a failure as a mother. Yes, part of that is her not being financially independent, but I would strongly suspect that it is also her feeling that she's failed you on an emotional level.

But I need to push through it, for her sake. I know i'm doing the right thing by staying here with her.

You'd do it all "for her sake" only if you have aspirations for martyrdom and/or victimhood But I don't see you in that role at all. I do believe that you are powerful, and that you can make this a better situation for yourself. By doing that, you will also make it better for your mom.

 

Both my mom and I undertook individual therapy. Have you considered that for yourself? (I'm not saying to suggest it to your mom, though. Mine did it on her own, long after I'd started.)

 

I do know it's difficult. But I do believe that you have the power to, er, empower yourself instead of just staying stuck feeling put upon and unappreciated. Your self-loving action would be to start being more open and honest about your own needs and feelings. I have no doubt that you can learn to do that in healthy, sane, loving ways

[EricaH329]

what did u make?

 

I made italian sausage mixed with some zucchini, squash, and onions tossed with garlic and oil. It was pretty damn good if I do say so myself!

[Angel1111]

Your mother sounds like a total witch, and a self, imature child. Personally, I wouldn't stick around for this kind of treatment. Let me guess - is this why your father isn't around? Either way, she has a knack for driving people away (or to the grave) and she apparently is too dense to see this, or to care. Her continual 'poor me' attitude is exactly why she's where she is today and why she's about to lose her house.

 

If I were you, I'd give her two options: sell the house and move somewhere that she can afford on her own, or tell her to check our roommates.com and find someone who will live with her. I'm guessing that she has enough sense to know that she can't bitch them out and expect them to stay. It's not healthy for you to be in this situation. Either tell her it needs to stop or you're out of there.

[alphamale]

I made italian sausage mixed with some zucchini, squash, and onions tossed with garlic and oil. It was pretty damn good if I do say so myself!

yes that does sound wonderful, a nice meal is always a great stress reducer

[Angel1111]

Also, I would also recommend that if you continue to give her money, then you have a right to review the finances to make sure the money is being used properly. My guess is that she's wasting the money that you're giving her. If you intend to stay in this situation, then you need to get a handle on it and bring peace into your life. If she's too dense to understand that concept, then I'd say she's on her own.

[EricaH329]

Yes, I do know how much it sucks to be giving everything that is within your reasonable power and to still not have that acknowledged or appreciated. I do know.

 

Well, first. What you're saying there is that you're acting the way you're acting out of self-interest; out of it being your "easiest way out". That's a GOOD thing...but sometimes we forget that we're actually making choices that we believe best serve our Self.

 

It's kind of more that your old choices are no longer working in the ways that they used to [because] They were not the most functional, so their effectiveness was not going to offer permanent solutions.

 

Personally, I do not believe that it is "respectful" to just sit through people rambling, complaining, bitching and crying. It's not helpful to, or respectful of their own growth and development; and there certainly isn't any self-respect involved, either.

 

No problem that you don't argue with her. But you're also not expressing your own feelings, needs and frustrations. That can be done assertively, effectively, clearly, lovingly...without actually arguing or raising your voice. It won't make you just another "ball of mess" to assert yourself as a human being with needs, feelings, disappointments and frustrations of your own.

 

I totally agree with you. And if it were anyone else, they would hear about the stress and anxiety they are causing me (in a calm way, of course).

 

With my mother though, well... there's more to it than me just not wanting to hear her any longer.

 

She used to be very physically abusive when I was younger. I was basically taught not to talk back, or say anything for that matter.

 

Even though she is no longer physically abusive, when she gets angry, it scares the hell out of me. Even if I were to tell her in the nicest way any human being could possibly be, she would hear the words for what they were, as opposed to how her actions are making me feel. If that makes any sense. Basically, there is no talking to her. At all. About anything. So instead of dragging out a huuuge arguement that could lead to her throwing things, slamming things, and eventually making me feel worse by saying i'm nothing... I keep to myself. For her sanity and my own.

 

Both my mom and I undertook individual therapy. Have you considered that for yourself? (I'm not saying to suggest it to your mom, though. Mine did it on her own, long after I'd started.)

 

She has been seeing a therapist for awhile now. I need to look into finding a counselor for myself, when i'm able to get the money to do so.

 

I do know it's difficult. But I do believe that you have the power to, er, empower yourself instead of just staying stuck feeling put upon and unappreciated. Your self-loving action would be to start being more open and honest about your own needs and feelings. I have no doubt that you can learn to do that in healthy, sane, loving ways

 

Thank you. I need to take this one step at a time. I already feel a sense of relief letting all of this out in the open.

[EricaH329]

Your mother sounds like a total witch, and a self, imature child. Personally, I wouldn't stick around for this kind of treatment. Let me guess - is this why your father isn't around? Either way, she has a knack for driving people away (or to the grave) and she apparently is too dense to see this, or to care. Her continual 'poor me' attitude is exactly why she's where she is today and why she's about to lose her house.

 

If I were you, I'd give her two options: sell the house and move somewhere that she can afford on her own, or tell her to check our roommates.com and find someone who will live with her. I'm guessing that she has enough sense to know that she can't bitch them out and expect them to stay. It's not healthy for you to be in this situation. Either tell her it needs to stop or you're out of there.

 

I completely agree with you. It's not pleasant to be around her. And my father isn't around because he is the absolute complete opposite of her. Completely laid back and down to earth. I don't know how he ever was able to stand her.

 

As far as her moving out, i've already discussed that with her. She's paying mortgage, and she says that if she moves out... she'll not only have to continue to pay the mortgage (or what's left on it) but she'll also have to pay rent for wherever she decides to move to.

 

yes that does sound wonderful, a nice meal is always a great stress reducer

 

It got her to shut up, then put her to sleep. So i'm definitely not complaining!

 

Also, I would also recommend that if you continue to give her money, then you have a right to review the finances to make sure the money is being used properly. My guess is that she's wasting the money that you're giving her. If you intend to stay in this situation, then you need to get a handle on it and bring peace into your life. If she's too dense to understand that concept, then I'd say she's on her own.

 

I will say, that my mother brought myself and my brother up to be very honest. She has always taken care of my finances (probably another reason why I cause her so much anxiety), and she has never done anything with it that was outside of my wishes. I commend her for that, since there aren't many people you can trust to that extent anymore.

 

I'm very grateful that she passed that along to me, as well.

 

She is extremely responsible when it comes to things like money, work, etc. It's her emotions that are all over the place.

[Angel1111]

Even though she is no longer physically abusive, when she gets angry, it scares the hell out of me. Even if I were to tell her in the nicest way any human being could possibly be, she would hear the words for what they were, as opposed to how her actions are making me feel. If that makes any sense. Basically, there is no talking to her. At all. About anything. So instead of dragging out a huuuge arguement that could lead to her throwing things, slamming things, and eventually making me feel worse by saying i'm nothing... I keep to myself. For her sanity and my own.

 

So she just resorts to verbal abuse now. And that makes it better? You need to get away from this woman. I'm serious. She is a huge negative influence in your life. She has you locked back into your abusive childhood again and you feel like you can't leave. But I'm here to tell you that you absolutely can - and should. Very soon. If you can't talk to her about anything, then leaving usually gets your point across really well.

[dazzle22]

Has this situation with her prevented you from finding your own romantic partner.?

[Angel1111]

As far as her moving out, i've already discussed that with her. She's paying mortgage, and she says that if she moves out... she'll not only have to continue to pay the mortgage (or what's left on it) but she'll also have to pay rent for wherever she decides to move to.

 

I'm not surprised your dad isn't with her anymore. Nor should you be with her anymore, either.

 

I don't understand what you're saying about the house. I didn't suggest that she move out. I suggested that she either sell it, or get a roommate (someone other than you).

Edited January 19, 2010 by Angel1111

[EricaH329]

So she just resorts to verbal abuse now. And that makes it better? You need to get away from this woman. I'm serious. She is a huge negative influence in your life. She has you locked back into your abusive childhood again and you feel like you can't leave. But I'm here to tell you that you absolutely can - and should. Very soon. If you can't talk to her about anything, then leaving usually gets your point across really well.

 

I feel like I should point out that her b*tching and complaining only happens about 75% of the time. The other 25% we get along great. She will tell me about work (even though it's her complaining about that, at least it's not directed at me), and sometimes when she's in a really good mood, we'll even watch a movie together.

 

It's the walking on eggshells aspect that I hate. I never know what it's going to be like when she walks in the door.

 

Has this situation with her prevented you from finding your own romantic partner.?

 

No, no. She's always been nice to my boyfriends. My ex actually loves her. It is only me that she takes everything out on.

 

I'm not surprised your dad isn't with her anymore. Nor should you be with her anymore, either.

 

I don't understand what you're saying about the house. I didn't suggest that she move out. I suggested that she either sell it, or get a roommate (someone other than you).

 

I'm not too sure what she meant about the house either, i'm no good when it comes to that sort of thing. So I just take her word for it.

 

Me threatening to leave wouldn't do anything. She actually wants me to leave. She wants to live in a house with absolutely nothing. No electricity, no water, nothing. She'd rather live like that than have to be shacked up with myself. But I will not allow her to do that.

 

In all honesty, if I leave her alone and move out, I know for a fact that she will slowly kill herself. Either by not eating, or just simply not caring about her well being.

 

Through all of this torment that I deal with on a normal basis, I can't allow anyone I know to do that to themselves.

[Angel1111]

I feel like I should point out that her b*tching and complaining only happens about 75% of the time. The other 25% we get along great. She will tell me about work (even though it's her complaining about that, at least it's not directed at me), and sometimes when she's in a really good mood, we'll even watch a movie together.

 

It's the walking on eggshells aspect that I hate. I never know what it's going to be like when she walks in the door.

 

No, no. She's always been nice to my boyfriends. My ex actually loves her. It is only me that she takes everything out on.

 

Me threatening to leave wouldn't do anything. She actually wants me to leave. She wants to live in a house with absolutely nothing. No electricity, no water, nothing. She'd rather live like that than have to be shacked up with myself. But I will not allow her to do that.

 

First of all, her verbal abuse is damaging to you. It doesn't matter about the 25% of the relationship that's good. You're caught in this sick dance with her and you need to extract yourself from it. And don't go out and find some idiot man who will treat you the same way as your mother.

 

I didn't mean for you to just threaten her with moving out - I meant that you need to move out. Get out of there. She is destroying your self-esteem, self-respect, self-everything. Let her live in a waterless, non-electrical house. It's her freakin' life. Let her live it and go live yours.

[Eve]

Me threatening to leave wouldn't do anything. She actually wants me to leave. She wants to live in a house with absolutely nothing. No electricity, no water, nothing. She'd rather live like that than have to be shacked up with myself. But I will not allow her to do that.

 

In all honesty, if I leave her alone and move out, I know for a fact that she will slowly kill herself. Either by not eating, or just simply not caring about her well being.

 

Through all of this torment that I deal with on a normal basis, I can't allow anyone I know to do that to themselves.

 

H'mmm.. thats pretty extreme behaviour. Did I miss the mention of a formal mental health diagnosis? Has she ever gone through periods where she does not attend to her self care? Do you have any other family members nearby who can help?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[EricaH329]

First of all, her verbal abuse is damaging to you. It doesn't matter about the 25% of the relationship that's good. You're caught in this sick dance with her and you need to extract yourself from it. And don't go out and find some idiot man who will treat you the same way as your mother.

 

All of the damage that she caused, was done when I was much younger. I had serious issues growing up, but now that i've had the experience of moving out for a few years, i've learned what they were and i'm happy to say that i've fixed them (with the help of some therapy). The things that she says to me now, no longer effect me. They just cause stress, mostly because I hate yelling.

 

And i've already had a man that treated me like her when I was younger, and that's never ever ever going to happen again. I definitely learned my lesson with that.

 

 

H'mmm.. thats pretty extreme behaviour. Did I miss the mention of a formal mental health diagnosis? Has she ever gone through periods where she does not attend to her self care? Do you have any other family members nearby who can help?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Yes, it is extreme behaviour. She is a very extreme person. I know she has mental issues, she has medicine for thousands of issues going on with her. She's as thin as me and she's 4 inches taller! I don't know if it's stress, or anxiety, or that she doesn't care to eat... or maybe a combination of the three, but she doesn't take very good care of herself.

 

Our family is small, and is currently tending to my grandmother who is going through alzeheimers. Just another added stress in my mothers life.