confused39 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 How does one go about addressing bothersome issues with her spouse with tact? My husband never complains...NEVER...about anything...and I keep my mouth shut because of that. But there are things going on that sooooo need to change. Hygiene issues - what a complete turn off. Lazy issues - get up and DO SOMETHING. Half-doing things - why not do it right the first time? Lying to your boss - I NEVER wanted to know that he lied...period. Refusing to pay attention to business matters - come on, you're 47 years old! Grow up! We've been married about 1.5 years now and dated for two years before marrying. But it's like he's slowly becoming less attractive to me because of all these things. I know I need to talk to him - but how do I go about phrasing things like this? Especially since, like I said, HE never complains at all.
crazycatlady Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I use to get irritated at H for the hygene issue. Now I just go "Honey you stink go shower so we can get it on like freaks :D" H can't seem to smell himself, and I'm very sensitive to odor. If these are new issues or issues slowly getting worse, they might be a sign of depression. I know when i struggle with hygene issues its a warning sign that its time to get back to the doctors, that my usual coping skills aren't working and I might need medication. A friend of mine will wink at her husband and go "its shower time" which is an inside hint that its time for oral sex for both of them. They shower together and just enjoy one another. But this is something you have to find a way to talk about or it will just tear you apart. CCL
elmeepo09 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 me an my boyfriend have been going out for three years and i discovered recently that yelling at him to do anything will give u a bad result but if u say something along the lines of sweetie it would make me feel better if you take better care of your hygiene and if there is a reason why you dont you can always come and talk to me. but i do also realize that it is always easier to give advice than to actually take it. hope everything works out ;]
Author confused39 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I would be HUMILIATED if my husband told me I needed to shower. We all get sweaty and stinky after a hard day's work, but this is different. Maybe it IS depression...he was hospitalized for a week back in October and quit smoking at that time. He's gained alot of weight since then. I know that bothers him, but these issues were present before October. He wasn't raised to be a slob...but he's sure leaning towards being one. I truly don't want to hurt his feelings, but I know I need to talk to him. I'd want him to talk to me when something about me bothers him. So...treat poeple the way you want to be treated. I guess that's what I need to keep in mind. I just honestly don't know what to SAY....it's embarrassing.
crazycatlady Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Quitting smoking is going to affect you. Even four months later it affects you. Smokers sometimes self treat their depression with smoking and when you stop, the depression can really hit you. Quitting can also cause depression do to the nicotine no longer hitting the brain. Did he quit cold turkey? As for being humiliated, it depends on how its handled. But I think he would be more humilated if he finds out he was stinkin and you didn't say anything to him. I would sit him down and start off straight with I love you. Go into And I'm worried about you. And then into I've noticed how over the last few months you seem a bit off. I've never known you before to not take good care of yourself and lately you haven't been and I'm really concerned. One of the things I love about you is when you smell all fresh and yummy from the shower, and lately you haven't been taking care of yourself that way. I'm really concerned about you. I know quitting smoking can cause depression to come to the surface or cause it in and of itself. And I just want you to know that I'm here for you, I'm just really concerned about you because I love you. Lack of care of self and surroundings is a huge warning sign of depression. And depression, especially in men can be hard to deal with. Men don't like needing help. You might suggest councilling, or him seeing his doctor. But you can't be silent about this. CCL
LakesideDream Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 CatLady has some good points. I recently quit smoking, "cold turkey".. and while I didnt suffer depression, there were other side effects. It sounds like your guy is suffering depression, maybe serious depression. It would be worthwhile to check that out with professionals. Also you say he's lazy.. did he recently lose a job? 47 is a bit old to start ecoming lazy.. or shiftless. Tell us more about what's going on. Lots of us have been in similar places.
Ronni_W Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Confused, tell me about it! But it really isn't about whether or not he complains -- it's about [us] learning how to communicate our dislikes and displeasures clearly and lovingly. There are a number of books that might help. I'm currently reading 'Forgive for Love' by Fred Luskin, and that is putting a whole different spin on how I've been doing my end of things. 'Communication Miracles for Couples' by Jonathan Robinson looks interesting, as does 'How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding' by Cloud and Townsend, and 'Difficult Conversations' by Stone, Patton and Heen. Hopefully the library has at least one of them in stock! Where I am now, I'd kind of suggest 'Forgive' first and then learning how to actually have the tough convos...but go with your own instincts. Best of luck.
Lovelybird Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) I would be HUMILIATED if my husband told me I needed to shower. We all get sweaty and stinky after a hard day's work, but this is different. Maybe it IS depression...he was hospitalized for a week back in October and quit smoking at that time. He's gained alot of weight since then. I know that bothers him, but these issues were present before October. He wasn't raised to be a slob...but he's sure leaning towards being one. I truly don't want to hurt his feelings, but I know I need to talk to him. I'd want him to talk to me when something about me bothers him. So...treat poeple the way you want to be treated. I guess that's what I need to keep in mind. I just honestly don't know what to SAY....it's embarrassing. I think this is something you need to overcome and become more honest. being honest now is much kinder than a few years later you store up all small stinks and then divorce him because you aren't attracted to him anymore. This is many wives do, they are afraid of hurting their husbands by being honest, but several years later they just cannot take it anymore and suddenly divorce him and leave him wondering what is wrong and heartbroken, they didn't even give their husbands chance to improve and change. Like a poster said there are some creative ways to communicate it, and it takes maturity to handle it. Dr. Could and Townsend's books are great by the way, you will know dishonesty will pay much in a way you won't imagine Edited January 19, 2010 by Lovelybird
carhill Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 My husband never complains...NEVER...about anything...and I keep my mouth shut because of that. A question worth asking IMO is why you feel there is a balance required here..... what about his lack of expressing complaints leads you to believe that you should act similarly? I know I need to talk to him - but how do I go about phrasing things like this? As a man, even though it might hurt, I prefer direct communication. That's not to say I won't push back, but I think honest communication in a marriage provides clarity. One method I learned was picking one subject and discussing it and then mirroring back what I heard. This did two things. First, sticking to one subject kept me from becoming overwhelmed and, two, mirroring what I heard was satisfying to stbx, since one of her complaints was that I always talked 'at' her, like it was a debate. Not a good builder of intimacy and cooperation. IMO, anything you can do to prevent resentment from beginning, do it. Now. Best wishes
mem11363 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 On the hygiene issue - get in the shower with him with a different type of soap then he normally uses - that will be your excuse - then YOU wash him the way you want him to wash himself - as foreplay - and then when you have sex tell him you want him to use THAT soap THAT way because the smell is a real turn on for you. And then follow through enough that he gets the message that that isn't optional.... As for the other things - I think a quiet but firm talk is needed. If they are going to kill the marriage eventually he needs to know. How does one go about addressing bothersome issues with her spouse with tact? My husband never complains...NEVER...about anything...and I keep my mouth shut because of that. But there are things going on that sooooo need to change. Hygiene issues - what a complete turn off. Lazy issues - get up and DO SOMETHING. Half-doing things - why not do it right the first time? Lying to your boss - I NEVER wanted to know that he lied...period. Refusing to pay attention to business matters - come on, you're 47 years old! Grow up! We've been married about 1.5 years now and dated for two years before marrying. But it's like he's slowly becoming less attractive to me because of all these things. I know I need to talk to him - but how do I go about phrasing things like this? Especially since, like I said, HE never complains at all.
Author confused39 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Thanks to you all for your responses. I haven't figured out how to respond to individual phrases yet so I apologize for the blanket follow-up here. Mem - I like your soap idea. Will try that. Carhill - I don't know why I feel like I shouldn't complain because he doesn't complain. I know he HAS to have complaints about me but never voices them. It makes me feel petty for complaining when he doesn't, I suppose. Lovely - I agree. Being honest is sometimes difficult, but best. Ronni - thanks for the book suggestions. Apparently since I'm finding it difficult to voice my concerns, there is work to be done. CCL - he quit smoking while in the hospital and had patches on while at the hospital, but about 4 days. Not sure if that qualifies as "cold turkey" or not. Thank you so much for your suggestions... Lakeside - I see signs of depression. No lost job, but he's increasingly unmotivated about life in general, it seems to me. I think CCL's conversation starter is probably the best route. Thanks to everyone.
WalkInThePark Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Hygiene issues - what a complete turn off. Was this a problem when you were dating him? In that case, I am surprised that you married him...
Author confused39 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 No...it was not a problem before we married. And we dated for a long time. We spent lots of time together...days...and it was never a problem. He always smelled good, dressed nice, and I always thought he was such a hottie even in his gym shorts and sandals. Things have changed.
Jeff1962 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 How does one go about addressing bothersome issues with her spouse with tact? My husband never complains...NEVER...about anything...and I keep my mouth shut because of that. But there are things going on that sooooo need to change. Hygiene issues - what a complete turn off. Lazy issues - get up and DO SOMETHING. Half-doing things - why not do it right the first time? Lying to your boss - I NEVER wanted to know that he lied...period. Refusing to pay attention to business matters - come on, you're 47 years old! Grow up! We've been married about 1.5 years now and dated for two years before marrying. But it's like he's slowly becoming less attractive to me because of all these things. I know I need to talk to him - but how do I go about phrasing things like this? Especially since, like I said, HE never complains at all. Yyuuccckkkkk. I take care of myself for me. I shower daily, brush teeth, etc. Don't really have to shave very often because of my heritage. A person just feels better when they are clean. Maybe your H is not feeling good about himself. The lying over buisness and the hygene issues, sounds to me like you and your H need to have a heart to heart. Get him to open up, sounds to me like he is not feeling much like a man right now. Sometimes us men need help from our women but we don't know how to relate this because we are programmed to fix it ourselves. We will be viewed as weak. A man's mind is very complicated with many walls to protect self. If you can get him to open up, you might be able to help him.
Author confused39 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Jeff - thanks for your opinion. Reading your response triggered a memory of a conversation he and I had a few months back, during which I asked him how I could make him happier, because it seemed he had no joy any more. He told me I couldn't make him happy....he had to make himself happy. The more I read and think about this, the more I think he's depressed. I know him well enough to know that he has many insecurities that he masks very well. And we've both had some major life changes occur in the last couple years. It would make sense that he's struggling and down and it's taking a toll.
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