Clep Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 My bf attracts LOTS of attention when we are out. There are girls coming on to him all the time, rubbing up against him, just hanging around him and sometimes being nasty to me. I have never had so many nasty women confront me as since I have been seeing him. There have been three times I have been uncomfortable with a situation and that isn't bad out of all of the times. If I look at the three times I have been uncomfortable, it has not been due to the other person coming on to him, but to him reciprocating it. By reciprocating I mean engaging it even a little. The other times he would just be cordial but cool about it. My feelings about it are completely dependent on how he handles it, not how often or by whom he get's attention from. I also receive lots of attention. He doesn't really care as I have strong boundaries with people especially in this area.
Satisfaction Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I can understand the people looking at her and coming up to her, but what is with all the phone calls and flowers? She must be encouraging that somehow, even if its unconscious??
Clep Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 If she is exclusive with you, she shouldn't be getting these calls, texts any longer. She should have "shut them down" by now. My exact thoughts.
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I would have a conversation about relationship boundaries with her. If the two of you can agree and be content with a form of compromise, then it's all good. Beyond that, you're going to experience a bumpy ride. I do have to question, why you're flattered by the attention she's getting. What does she represent to you?
Balthazar Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You missed my point Empty.... And other posters told you the same thing. Right now, she is Alpha...you're Beta. Women don't stay around the Beta Male, especially when they're Alpha. Your flirting with other women is more than just a tit for tat game. It is very important that you appear to be of worth in this woman's eyes. If you do not do this, one of her convo's with other men will lead to something much more...
Payden Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I cannot count the the number of girls I have to shut down...(sarcasm) I would be sort of irritated if my girl was getting text from different guys that were after her..yes.. I'm all for trust and her right to have friends male or female, but this case would make me a bit nervous about unloading my entire heart on her. Age please?.....
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You missed my point Empty.... And other posters told you the same thing. Right now, she is Alpha...you're Beta. Women don't stay around the Beta Male, especially when they're Alpha. Your flirting with other women is more than just a tit for tat game. It is very important that you appear to be of worth in this woman's eyes. If you do not do this, one of her convo's with other men will lead to something much more...I agree with the Alpha/Beta part. But if you start playing games, just write off the relationship now. Edit: For want of a better way to put it, put your stamp of ownership on her.
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I agree with Balthazar. If you're acting like a BETA when she's an Alpha, it won't last. Be an ALPHA (or at least, learn to be). Carry yourself on her level or indeed she will find another man who is. Best of luck.
Balthazar Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I wish I could say that relationships don't require games....I really wish I could. But I can't.
threebyfate Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I can honestly say that healthy ones don't require games. When you start playing tit for tat games, like flirting around, it erodes on trust. When that happens, you've lost any potential for a viable and healthy relationship. If he asserts himself with her, not in an over-the-top way but let's her know where his boundaries for acceptable behaviour lies, as well showing he's a dominant male who doesn't share, she will either feel valued or she'll react by accusing him of being "too controlling". If she reacts in the latter manner, he needs to stand firm and ask her why it's so important that she have so many satellite men. Also ask her why she needs so much male attention and validation. Her response will define whether he wants to keep her or not. As long as empty906 doesn't allow fear of loss to drive him, he'll be fine.
CaliGuy Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 As long as empty906 doesn't allow fear of loss to drive him, he'll be fine. That's exactly how a confident, self-assured man acts. Without fear or loss. Definitely an alpha quality, I might add.
threebyfate Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 That's exactly how a confident, self-assured man acts. Without fear or loss. Definitely an alpha quality, I might add.As long as it's a balance of valuation AND without fear of loss, it's all good. When you play the game of tit for tat, using social proof to show your worth, you're playing on her fear of loss and at the same time, devaluing her and most importantly, her trust in you. Without that trust and self-respect, for both of you, you can't bring someone who's got more options, to ground.
HappyAgain Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) My SO has a very attractive physique yet he never notices it. We actually joke about it - with his response usually being "whatever" because he really couldn't care less. Mind you, he says I'm attractive and I know that's not true, yet he still insists I am. This guy is just so comfortable in his own skin and he's a bit of a real geek so he's never gone on his looks in his life. My ex, OTOH, used to think that every girl was turning around to stare at him when they weren't and that used to drive me crazy. He played this stud when he was a 6'6" 160lb toothpick. You could find his self-esteem at the bottom of a barrel so he always played these stupid games. I used to comment on the other women when there was one looking at him and he used to show way too much interest and never responded with a "whatever" but played innocent and pumped me for information on how I knew they were checking him out. That used to bother me because he made sure to make me feel insignificant. Edited January 19, 2010 by HappyAgain
someotherguy Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Damn sog....wow. lol Man, its not like that at all. We are completely happy together, neither of us is playing a game. I was posting to see how others dealt with the high levels of attention and if they got jealous. But thanks for the input anyways I hate to say it, but yes, you are both playing games. People that are "completely happy" with their chosen partner do not play these bull**** games. The vibe I get off of you is that you are not an alpha male, which is why you let her act this way around you, and why you think my advice is extreme. As others in this thread have started to chime in: you need to be firm with her and reset your boundaries, because otherwise this is not going to end well for you. Women do not respect men who don't respect themselves.
bac Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 She gets attention because she flirts with men. Being hot/attractive does not guarantee any real attention from men. Men are very afraid of attractive/hot girls unless the girls openly accepting, friendly and flirting. If she gets attention, she does some things to make it happen. There are lots of extremelly attractive girls except your girl. All those guys who want your girl are free to go to pursue lots of other beautiful single girls. And the only reason why they do not do that is that it is hard to get beautiful girls' attention and men expect to get rejected unless a beautiful girl gives them clear signs of acceptance by flirting.
O'Malley Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 She may be more "friendly" than normal. In fact, she is overly friendly at times. But that's an attractive quality to me. Maybe this is just a part of having that quality. Acting passive aggressive (threatening to flirt or doing so) won't work; it will come across as an insecure reaction. To deal with this successfully you're just going to have to let this slide off your back. You should discuss boundaries with her but I doubt she'll change her behavior. Long term this can turn into a major issue, when your infatuation wears off, if you two haven't developed any common ground (yes, she's stunning -- but what non physical characteristics do you find attractive?) And this is a woman who, as she ages/has children and the attention decreases, might develop new ways to get validation.
DolceVenganza Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Your woman is always beautiful to someone. Attention is a given with women. There are varying degrees, but even in some social circles it can still be quite. A girl who may not be a '10' can be a '10' in other social circles - I believe we have all seen instances of this in various shows and movies. You do not get jealous. Period. You cannot ever prevent cheating or adultery, you can only aid in the occurence of it (i.e. pushing your partner away, self-fulfilling prophecies, suffocating and needy behavior. I recall dating a Spanish girl in TX some years ago and was told by several, not just one, guys that if "i was not careful i would be jumped or stabbed for my girl." Sure enough, our vehicle was actually broken in to. You do not conciously entertain the possibility that you are not 'good enough' because of her looks. That is irrelevant. She will flock to you for your strength, and often strength is INaction. NOT acting like a BETA or weak person, given to fickle emotions and actions. You engage at the human/personal/emotional level. Looks come and go. Some of the prettiest girls I have ever known or dated are now fat, unhappy, and married. They had loads of guys all over them, took whichever one fancied them the most at 20, and are now with child and regretting all of it. In a way, such looks are a blessing and a curse. Many girls I know would have the biggest loosers approaching them. When they are out, they are actually quite unsafe. I know women that are very attractive that are stalked in broad daylight. Remember, our society has amongst us criminals and citizens, and some of these people would do unthinkable things. Too often, such sites romanticize and idealize looks as being easy or perfect or wonderful, but girls like that often cannot be alone. What MTV paints or even the media paints is one biased side. The other side is that 99% of all women want a strong, confident, down to earth man they can trust, like a brother, friend, or father. If they have never had that, they desperately want that. Men who cannot be that will find themselves left out or friendzoned. In many cases, being a man is doing what is hard or other's won't do, or taking charge when no one will. It's about caring about people, recognizing your power, and using it or not using it. Too many guys are complete ahole dbags who pay forward a bunch of crap. I hear the stories, and despite how woman can 'hurt' you, men can ultimately do more damage and thus, should respect that power and trust they engender and treat women, all women, fairly and justly. ------------------------ If a girl is doing something you don't agree with, tell her. If she doesn't stop, she doesn't respect you. Move on. If you don't respect yourself, she won't. If your word isn't bond, then she will easily push the envelope and you will find her banging your friend or a co-worker. The effort/energy she spends on 'flirting' can easily be spent building up the connection between you 2. Flirting is cheap. It is illusion. You, her, are real. A deep connection will always trump a superficial one, and that is what flirting is. It is the difference between infatuation and love. Love is lifelong, infatuation is temporary. When the illusion of who you are or she is wears off, you are left with love or no relationship. She probably liked you because you saw for who she is, not who she was in your head, illusions, or just skin. If you flip the script and don't see her for what she does and says, then you fall under the spell all other beta men approaching her are, and that sort of attention is VERY short-lived. In reality, the only solution to bad, disrespectful behavior is to cut it off at the knees, don't give into it and take a hard line, no different than a father to his model daughter. ~DV
Oh Moe Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) The last women I went out with was a real knock out, I mean a ten, we dated three years. The first few months I was sort of jealous but she swore she would never cheat or do anything like that. Her flirting didn't really bother me but maybe it should have. Well go read my other post she just up and left one day for no good reason, and yes she's getting boinked by a local crackhead only a week later. So go figure. The only positive thing is she for the most part of the last 5 months or so has lowered herself to looking like a common crack ho. And she wants back EWWWWW. Edited January 19, 2010 by Oh Moe
CaliGuy Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 The other side is that 99% of all women want a strong, confident, down to earth man they can trust, like a brother, friend, or father. Excellent post DV! I only disagree with this one statement. Not like a brother or father. Yes, I agree a friend but more like a LEADER. Someone they can admire for certain qualities. Yes, strong, confident, intelligent. They want someone they can admire for personal qualities, not just looks. Looks ranks below the personal qualities. Excellent and astute observation, my friend.
Jersey Shortie Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 That really was a most excellent, beautiful, insightful post DolceVengaza. You really understand women...and apparently men. In many cases, being a man is doing what is hard or other's won't do, or taking charge when no one will. It's about caring about people, recognizing your power, and using it or not using it. Too many guys are complete ahole dbags who pay forward a bunch of crap. I hear the stories, and despite how woman can 'hurt' you, men can ultimately do more damage and thus, should respect that power and trust they engender and treat women, all women, fairly and justly. This is just SO SO SO true.
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