professorTR Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 All, My STBXW just revealed to me that she is indeed with someone else, though she claims it didn't start until recently (even though it is with the same person she "Dated" 2 months after we first separated). I am going absolutely crazy thinking about her with this other guy, showing him the affection that she pulled from me. I can't handle it...it's all I think about. I just think, "She can't do this, She can't." She's never coming back, and this only further proves that. I can't deal with this...I'm so full of anger, bitterness, and resentment. She doesn't think what she's doing is unusual in any way, which frustrates me still further. I can't let go!!! The thought of her with someone else is a double rejection. I'm really going out of my mind here. Can anyone help???
thepulse27 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I'm in the same place mate. the bad news is this is probably the worst feeling in the world. The good news is that I promise it will get better. I found out about a week ago for definite about my ex and the pathetic excuse for a man she's with now. And at times the thought of them together (I know you can't get it out of your head, I'm so sorry) was more than I thought I could bear. Talk to the people closest to you, family and friends. Let them tell you what you know but can't see: that she is rebounding, trying to assuage her guilt and loneliness by filling her bed as quickly as possible. Realising that helped me see that this isn't me, the problem is hers. She isn't with this guy because of anything you did wrong, it's her bull**** and his lack of respect for himself or anyone else. I know this isn't going to help you right now, but I promise you time will take these images out of your head, and make you at peace with them. And when it does, remembering how amazing you are will give you the lift you need to get on with it. Whatever 'it' is (like the rest of your life).
ginyi1111 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 There prob wont be any easy way to handle this. I can imagine how hurt you are feeling, because I am imagining my ex dating someone right after he broke up with me and it SUCKS!!!!! I think why you are hurting so bad is you are harping on the hope that she will one day come back to you and now there is another guy she probably wont. STOP hoping that she will come back. She is already gone. All there is left for you to do is pick up the pieces and move on with your life, slowly but surely and NO CONTACT! Dont try to find out stuff about her. Tell mutual friends to not talk to you about her. What is STBXW btw?
Author professorTR Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 All, I'm going crazy. I can't stop thinking about her and someone else. I don't have the motivation to do anything, and life has become so meaningless. I want to be able to let go, but I just can't. The thought of someone else getting her is tearing me apart inside. I can't stop ruminating. I just can't get how I can be so miserable, while she can be happy running around with my replacement. How do I let go??? Someone please tell me how. I can't stop texting her and sharing how she's making me feel. She doesn't want me to hurt, and I guess she has a right to date other people, but it makes me feel less than human. Her being with someone else is a double rejection. I was starting to come to grips with her leaving me to figure herself out, but now she makes it look like this all just isn't a big deal, that I'm a psycho for feeling as I do, that life is easy, that she's justified....I am going insane!!!!!!!!!
thepulse27 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Proffessor, your situation sounds so similar to mine. I'm still in a very unique hell in my mind with the thought of it, but I've had a bit more time to come to terms with it. You're in a horrible place, I know, and I'm really sorry to tell you that it isn't going to get better quickly. But it will get better. The first thing you need to do is stop the texts. I agree on most accounts with the NC believers (not quite as blindly) as it is the quickest way to get a little bit closer to feeling ok with the world again. I would say for you just stop altogether. You cannot be emotional with her, she isn't in the same place as you so it will seem like she doesn't care, and that will make you feel even worse than before. I promise you that she does feel something, and this is affecting her, but she can't let you see that because it would make her doubt herself, and destroy any point she had for breaking up with you in the first place. I know what you mean about coming to terms with her leaving to figure herself out, and feeling worse when you found out how quickly she seems to have moved on. But that isn't what this is. She has run out and found the first thing to make her happy because she needs it to justify what she's done. She will feel so alone now you're gone, and so she needs this new a**hole to lean on to take that loneliness away. But she is gone. I'm so sorry, but this has happened. I know the girl you're in love with couldn't bear to hurt you like this, but that's not who she is right now. She is someone who doesn't love you anymore, and doesn't know how to deal with that, so she will get defensive and ignore anything you try to tell her. In time you'll be back to coming to terms with it like you were earlier, and this time there'll be no more setbacks, because you won't be contacting her telling her how you feel, and you'll be able to move on further. And further. And finally it won't hurt anymore. We're both going to get there mate. Just keep the phone out of your hand. Post on here instead.
Author professorTR Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Thanks Pulse. It really is a living hell. I always think that if I just say the right thing she will realize this is all wrong and come back. Another thing that really hurts is that she is hurting and doing foolish things, but everyone around her supports anything she does. They don't offer advice at all. It is so frustrating. They think they're supportive simply because they "support" anything she does, and she agrees. I feel like everyone is against me, like I deserve what I'm getting, like I need to just "man up" and stop being a baby. If only it were that easy. Nothing makes sense; my world is upside down. I feel like my ego is constantly under attack. In an odd way, I feel like letting her alone would be doing her a favor, so I can't stop. I continually remind her of the pain she's putting me through. I'm just not strong enough to be my own person. I guess I want to leave her alone and have her realize it was a mistake and come back. But, if I do leave her alone and that doesn't happen it will hurt me again. And then, when I see her somewhere, she will treat me differently. Life stretched out before me just seems so long and painful. I'm nothing without her; I can't let go. I think about her every minute of every day, and that will never stop. I can't do this; I just want to die...
dietpepsi Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I'm nothing without her; I can't let go. I think about her every minute of every day, and that will never stop. I can't do this; I just want to die... Long story short for you a family friend of mine's wife cheated on him the entire time he was deployed to Iraq, he finds out when returning home, she has moved out with the new guy and will not tell him where, and left him divorce papers at his apartment to return to a PO Box. She changed her phone number, none of her family would answer his calls or letters. Fast Forward several years later, he is happily married with two beautiful children, he now looks upon his misery as the biggest blessing he has ever received. The most darkest situations can still turn in your favor, I try to remind myself of his strength every day, you can do this, you can do this, I am absolutely the worst at these situations, but no matter how low i feel, I'll never give up, neither should you. I'll take the wording on dying metaphorically, but just in case, please if you are having self destructive thoughts, please turn to a friend or family member for help
sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I can't stop texting her and sharing how she's making me feel. Of course you can stop! People quit heroin and meth every day; you can quit texting! I was in a very helpful form of therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in which my shrink often talked about "mood-dependent behavior." An example would be saying you couldn't get to therapy because you were too depressed/anxious/sad/whatever other emotion. Her response: "Were all your limbs broken? Did all the subways stop running? No? Well, then, you COULD get to therapy, you just didn't WANT to." It sounds harsh, but seriously, it helps me every day.
Catseye8 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I feel like everyone is against me, like I deserve what I'm getting, like I need to just "man up" and stop being a baby. You don't deserve what you're getting. What you're getting is hugely painful, and it's not fair, and it sucks beyond sucking. You're not being a baby; you're being a person who's going through an awful, painful, horrible experience and you're hurting as a result. That's not a character flaw; that's a sign that you're human. It will get better. It will. There is a future in which you are happy. You don't need to work out the details of that future now; it'll work itself out in time. You just need to concentrate on getting yourself through this most painful bit. For your own peace of mind, you need to stop texting her. Forget whether or not it's letting her off the hook, or punishing her, or whatever; this is about what you need. (If it helps you do that, let yourself think about how surprised/puzzled/curious/whatever she'll feel when she realises you're concentrating on yourself, not her.) I think about her every minute of every day, and that will never stop. It will. We know how you feel; we've been there too. I had one breakup-from-hell that put me in some really, really bad places, really badly depressed, didn't see the point in carrying on with anything because I just couldn't see any future that wasn't just more pain. But - I got through it - and the future turned out to have good things in it after all, lots of good things I wasn't expecting. Right now you can't feel anything but your own pain, and that's totally, totally normal. But know that in time, that feeling starts to lift. Post on here. Write her long furious letters that you don't send. Get all your anger and rage and pain at her out without contacting her. And I second dietpepsi - please turn to someone for help if you're having suicidal thoughts.
dietpepsi Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Hey professor, if you check up on this thread, post up, let us know you're ok
Howitzer Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 professor, I've been in the same spot before, and I know that no matter what anyone says, it seems like there's no hope or future that can be happy. You just gotta have blind faith in this for awhile, because you WILL get past it. Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Author professorTR Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Thanks for the replies everyone. I will be checking in and posting my thoughts in this thread daily. I really need support and strength. It's just so hard to let go; I'm so afraid, and thinking of her with someone else drives me nuts!! I just always feel so empty in what I do because I know I no longer am going home to her, my safe place. I guess it's normal that everyone thinks that his/her position/experience of this is different, and that he/she will be the one that doesn't ever feel better, right? I just always feel my situation is uniquely painful, like no one else ever experienced the way I feel in particular. I guess I just like to beat myself up. All I want to do is nothing. I want the whole world to go away because at least then I can't be hurt. I'm afraid to do anything because I always feel under attack. I've done plenty of reading on these subjects, and I understand what's going on with me, but I just can't stop FEELING. When will this let up? She says she loves me, will always love me, and wants to be in my life always, but only as a friend. She bluntly just says she does not want to be with me anymore...it is so painful, but the worst part is is that I don't think it has really set in. I'm so scared...
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