LisaUk Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 We all agree that people are different. We come from "different backgrounds", have gone through different experiences, have different flaws, strengths and weaknesses, ambitions, etc. We meet. We fall in love (or in lust). And every now and then, we may or may not decide to get married. The reality of things is that no matter how many similarities we have, no matter how often we complete each other's sentences, how many precious moments we share, how in tune our minds appear to be, we are different entities. Our differences are our strengths, and our weaknesses. Apart from the insanely callous individuals, we all go into relationships with the expectation that it will work. And so we invest our time, invest our emotions, invest our selves in the relationship. We push, we pull, haggle, negotiate and work out differences. And sometimes, despite our best efforts, it still doesn't work out. There are different ways of fighting for a relationship, some do it by constant communication (nagging?) others do it by stoically ignoring all but the most vicious of blows. Both are legitimate ways of getting by. Sometimes we walk away, battered and bloodied, worn and weary. We cut our losses, brace our shoulders, and soldier on despite the hurt. Regardless of what it may seem, very often the WS also feels great pain, feels frustrated, feels helpless. We may not have fought in the exact way you expected us to fight for the relationship, but that doesn't mean we didn't fight with all our reserves of strength. So the WS was aware that their communication was uneffective (either as a result of how they do it, or as a result of the interaction between the spouses, but instead of addressing that and trying to, jointly, find ways of affecting that communication to improve things with the result of improving the marriage and making the potential WS happier,through MC maybe, they choose to walk instead b/c their feelings have gone. How does commitment figure into that thought process then? Trying singularily, rather than jointly, is not commiment and it is also not an effective means of addressing problems, clearly. I think I should stop posting now, as I know no point I can make to a WS will make the slighest bit of difference to their opinion, it is inbulit for people to avoid cognitive dissonace and taking any of this on board and considering it, will mean perhaps having to look at yourself in a way you don't want to. Ah, if only the BS had that luxery .
just_some_guy Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Wow, there are some viciously BITTER people on this board! Just guessing, but I think the majority of them are women. It would appear that no male could ever desire to leave a marriage, except for the sole cause of having an affair, period. Feelings change? Damn, must be an affair. Unhappy? Damn, must be an affair. Guy looks at Taco Bell cashier for a moment too long while counting his change? Emotional affair, the bastard. Probably sleeping with her too, or at least wants to. I hadn't thought about it until Soserious posted this: How would you have felt if your spouse didn't cheat but flatly told they no longer loved you and wanted a divorce, refusing to try MC because they didn't find you or what you have to offer them worth the effort? Would you have felt better then? But wow, I can see how that can be a helluva lot harder to deal with than an affair. How does a person who has decided he/she wants out, that the love is not there anymore, that the spouse is not capable of being the life partner or that overwhelming issues make it impossible to go forward, leave the marriage and cause the least damage to everyone? There's no good way to end it, ever. It is always going to be painful. If it was good, it wouldn't end. Maybe the answer, particularly for a male who wants to leave, is to simply have the affair with the intent of getting caught. It sure seems easier than trying to have an honest, but painful and difficult discussion about it.
SummerLady Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 How is it that my husband would make love to me,tell the kids your mom is the best cook in the world,kiss me all the time and tell me he loves me. And then a month later I have been a terrible wife,I treated him like crap, and I disgust him. When i beg him to tell me what I did wrong he says you know what you did. He said that I have called him names in past fights we have had and once I said I was going to leave if he bought one more snowmobile ( he has eight). I said yes I did those things,but people say things when you fight and don't mean them. He told me now I am getting what I deserve! Is this really a reason to leave your wife of twentytwo years? All I can do is crawl under my covers everyday and cry, my heart is broken. I would def say affair. This happened to me and I was scratching my head like did I miss something? I sure did, all his girlfriends, at the time I would have said no way but that was the case.......I know its shocking but I bet this is the case. I would get attitude for no reason and he would pick fights. Now that was not the norm for us so its caused attention, then I started to snoop and what I found supported it........I hope I am wrong for you but it sounds that way....
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 How does a person who has decided he/she wants out, that the love is not there anymore, that the spouse is not capable of being the life partner or that overwhelming issues make it impossible to go forward, leave the marriage and cause the least damage to everyone? There's no good way to end it, ever. It is always going to be painful. If it was good, it wouldn't end. Yes, this.
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