cberry297 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 How is it that my husband would make love to me,tell the kids your mom is the best cook in the world,kiss me all the time and tell me he loves me. And then a month later I have been a terrible wife,I treated him like crap, and I disgust him. When i beg him to tell me what I did wrong he says you know what you did. He said that I have called him names in past fights we have had and once I said I was going to leave if he bought one more snowmobile ( he has eight). I said yes I did those things,but people say things when you fight and don't mean them. He told me now I am getting what I deserve! Is this really a reason to leave your wife of twentytwo years? All I can do is crawl under my covers everyday and cry, my heart is broken.
reboot Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 People having affairs tend to re-write history in their favor.
WonderingWhy Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I agree with above poster. Wayward spouses tend to have no faults and believe you are the sole reason for the demise of the Marriage. Stay strong, and it's not all your fault.
sotagoon Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 X2 .... Justification for his guilty feelings about an affair or his wanting one. I'm really sorry about this...but seems as though he wants to come out smelling like roses.
LisaUk Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I'd like to know the answer to this to, my ex wasn't cheating (to my knowledge) but pretty much the same as the OP in my sitaution. He was fine, no loss of affection, sex etc then boom "you have a controlling personality, we're not compatible" bye bye.
reboot Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Just because you don't know about doesn't mean he wasn't.
LisaUk Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Just because you don't know about doesn't mean he wasn't. I agree, but then he said "no one else would find me attractive would they?" So I'm guessing if he was already cheating he would have no need to ask me that upon leaving?
reboot Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I agree, but then he said "no one else would find me attractive would they?" So I'm guessing if he was already cheating he would have no need to ask me that upon leaving? The fact that you don't think he was cheating is actually a sign that maybe he wasn't. Most (but not all!) people get that feeling in their gut even though they sometimes ignore it (for a while at least). And everyone that fits the script isn't necessarily cheating, but it pays to watch your back if the signs are there.
1Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I could be wrong too but this story reeks of infidelity.
Author cberry297 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 How is it that my husband would make love to me,tell the kids your mom is the best cook in the world,kiss me all the time and tell me he loves me. And then a month later I have been a terrible wife,I treated him like crap, and I disgust him. When i beg him to tell me what I did wrong he says you know what you did. He said that I have called him names in past fights we have had and once I said I was going to leave if he bought one more snowmobile ( he has eight). I said yes I did those things,but people say things when you fight and don't mean them. He told me now I am getting what I deserve! Is this really a reason to leave your wife of twentytwo years? All I can do is crawl under my covers everyday and cry, my heart is broken. I feel he has found someone else. I have asked him and so has his Dad. He of course says no. His whole family is heartbroken over this. I have been a part of them for twentyfive years. They have been so supportive, his own brother and sister in law will not speak to him anymore. They know that I have been a good wife and mother and are devastated over the whole thing.
just_some_guy Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Maybe he tried, but you didn't hear him.
cyabye Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Maybe he tried, but you didn't hear him. Whatever. Another WS comment. "I tried to tell you!" "Ok, well I obviosly didn't understand or get what you were trying to tell me!" Cheaters mostly speak in code when they are "trying" to communicate. People with "some" integrity would sit you down long before and say: "I want to talk to you about something that is bothering me." "I love you and I would like to talk about something that may be difficult to hear, but I want to work things out." etc. Not this wish/wash crap I've heard in the past. Just be up front. BE A MAN OR WOMAN not some spineless *****. Mine would say "If you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, you get upset." My reply "Yeah, so. That's because all you ever tell me is the bad selfish crap you are doing, got caught doing, or about to do and I NEED to hear something good or positive." cya
Author cberry297 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Maybe he tried, but you didn't hear him. Maybe he tried what? I didn't know anything was even wrong until the day he told me he didn't want me anymore. That is my whole point. How can someone act like nothing is wrong be all lovey dovey and one day just say I don't want you anymore.
soserious1 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Whatever. Another WS comment. "I tried to tell you!" "Ok, well I obviosly didn't understand or get what you were trying to tell me!" Cheaters mostly speak in code when they are "trying" to communicate. People with "some" integrity would sit you down long before and say: "I want to talk to you about something that is bothering me." "I love you and I would like to talk about something that may be difficult to hear, but I want to work things out." etc. Not this wish/wash crap I've heard in the past. Just be up front. BE A MAN OR WOMAN not some spineless *****. Mine would say "If you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, you get upset." My reply "Yeah, so. That's because all you ever tell me is the bad selfish crap you are doing, got caught doing, or about to do and I NEED to hear something good or positive." cya How would you have felt if your spouse didn't cheat but flatly told they no longer loved you and wanted a divorce, refusing to try MC because they didn't find you or what you have to offer them worth the effort? Would you have felt better then?
nobmagnet Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 i smell the burning rubberof a WAH. Im so so so sorry honey. Maybe there isnt another woman but for a guy to act like this he is either a narssist or having an affaire. I dont beleive (unless you have covered like i did with my narssist) he could be such as he wouldnt have kept up his behaviour for soo long. Affaires do re-write history to vindicate and validate. IMO its inexcuseable but i have never cheated and never would. He is living in the affaire fog and you are in the way. He feels no guilt because he blames you. WTF I cant stand cheeters. YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BLAME. big hugs honey Nobby xx
cyabye Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 How would you have felt if your spouse didn't cheat but flatly told they no longer loved you and wanted a divorce, refusing to try MC because they didn't find you or what you have to offer them worth the effort? Would you have felt better then? Of course not and yes I was told this too (before the cheating I believe). But what is the underlying cause? There must be something. I doubt those feelings come out of the thin air. Again, if I was told "flat out" what you just said, I would ask why they felt that way and then show them the door (and there would be no coming back). Life is too short for this crap. cya
soserious1 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) Of course not and yes I was told this too (before the cheating I believe). But what is the underlying cause? There must be something. I doubt those feelings come out of the thin air. Again, if I was told "flat out" what you just said, I would ask why they felt that way and then show them the door (and there would be no coming back). Life is too short for this crap. cya My point in posting my question is this.. if a person cheats they're scum but if they come to you without cheating and tell you they don't love you and don't consider the relationship worth saving they get no points either, they're still scum. Btw, when a person tells you they don't think you're worth any effort on their part, there's no need for you to show them the door, they're already gone. I might have divorced my ex but that was a mere formality, he felt that I wasn't worth any investment of work and that the marriage wasn't worth saving, the rest was mere paperwork. I didn't have to show him the door, he'd already let himself out quite happily. Edited January 20, 2010 by soserious1
cyabye Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 My point in posting my question is this.. if a person cheats they're scum but if they come to you without cheating and tell you they don't love you and don't consider the relationship worth saving they get no points either, they're still scum. Btw, when a person tells you they don't think you're worth any effort on their part, there's no need for you to show them the door, they're already gone. I might have divorced my ex but that was a mere formality, he felt that I wasn't worth any investment of work and that the marriage wasn't worth saving, the rest was mere paperwork. I didn't have to show him the door, he'd already let himself out quite happily. Understand and agree 100%. cya
LisaUk Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 My point in posting my question is this.. if a person cheats they're scum but if they come to you without cheating and tell you they don't love you and don't consider the relationship worth saving they get no points either, they're still scum. Could I ask if you think this is the case no matter what the "reasons" the walk away gives? The reason I ask, is it was quite a coincidence that you posted this now, as this is the exact thought that has been playing on my mind all day today. I have been in a bad place recently, my ex left me 10 months ago and gave many reasons, most of which were contradictory and all of which I had never heard before. I have been beating myself up of late, buying into those reasons in an attempt to find out why he left and blaming myself for everything in the process. One of the things he said, was he felt we "weren't compatible" (after 18 years) and that he felt b/c we wanted to live our lives in different ways (not true), that he had gradually lost his feelings for me. My question is, is it acceptable for him to not express any of this to me for 18 years (ever) and then to turn round and leave without explanation (had to beg him to tell me why he had left) and say "it was too much effort to try and work things out with you"? Or does that make him scum like you said? I'm beginning to wonder if I have the wrong perception here (partly due to a WS who posted recently about something similar)?
SimplyBeingLoved Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Why are they scum if they realized their feelings have changed and they don't think "working on it" will fix it? If deep down they really felt like it wouldn't work no matter what, would you want them to go through the "motions" of couples counseling, or long-drawn out discussions/effort, if they really knew they were doing this JUST to not feel like scum, not because they had any interest left? We can't control how other people feel or what they want... nobody can. That's the illusion... that if only they had given you more time, more effort, then you could change them... sadly... sometimes it's simply not possible. To put it more bluntly, why do people want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them?
El Ben Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 *waits for the familiar avalanche of criticism that follows a post by one of the "scum"*
LisaUk Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I take back my perception question, a moment of madness! I guess there are two types of people in this world, those that consider others and have empathy and compassion, morals and conscience and those that do not. When that gets to extreme levels it is those that do not, who are diagnosed as narcissists and psychopaths. My point, even if you think it won't work out and you have no desire to try, just out of respect for what you did have at one time and what you promised allow your partner the time to develop understanding for your feelings, instaed of traeting them like garbage you have disposed of, b/c that is how it feels, but I would not expect a WS to understand this, otherwise they would have let go with love in the first place. *Awaits, barage by WS* On that note, do you even realise or care that when you come on here and post to a left spouse you actually cause a lot of pain? Simply, your post had me in tears in last night. WHilst it is benefical to develop understanding of how the WS felt when they walked, I would ask you, respectfully, to maybe perhaps remember that although this is a public forum and you have a right to express your views, that there is a real person sat behind this screen and one that is in an immense amount of pain right now.
reboot Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Why are they scum if they realized their feelings have changed and they don't think "working on it" will fix it? If deep down they really felt like it wouldn't work no matter what, would you want them to go through the "motions" of couples counseling, or long-drawn out discussions/effort, if they really knew they were doing this JUST to not feel like scum, not because they had any interest left? We can't control how other people feel or what they want... nobody can. That's the illusion... that if only they had given you more time, more effort, then you could change them... sadly... sometimes it's simply not possible. To put it more bluntly, why do people want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them? I realize that not everyone feels the same as me, different cultures, different mindsets, but I was raised to believe that marriage was sacred. You don't give up without a fight. Barring physical abuse, drug abuse, alcoholism, etc, if you loved someone deeply enough to marry them in the first place, there's no reason those feelings can't be maintained (or even revived) if two people are willing to put in the effort. You attitude (shared by many, maybe most these days) is why the divorce rate is so high.
tnttim Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 There are 2 things everyone is missing. These are facts: 1. The wayward spouses feelings have been manifesting for at least 18 months. 2. The wayward spouse wants to come out of the M smelling like roses. Also, usually the wayward spouse wants the best of both worlds. He's wants to be a family man and a player. That's why when he pulled away, and you became more loving, he kept doing it. He doesn't hate you, he wants to keep you on the back burner. Don't believe me, then pull away, and ignore him. I bet the twins he will come closer, and act more loving. He wants his cake and eat it to, then take your cake away from his sorry a*s. It's up to you what you want to do, I can help if you want to recon with him.
El Ben Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) We all agree that people are different. We come from "different backgrounds", have gone through different experiences, have different flaws, strengths and weaknesses, ambitions, etc. We meet. We fall in love (or in lust). And every now and then, we may or may not decide to get married. The reality of things is that no matter how many similarities we have, no matter how often we complete each other's sentences, how many precious moments we share, how in tune our minds appear to be, we are different entities. Our differences are our strengths, and our weaknesses. Apart from the insanely callous individuals, we all go into relationships with the expectation that it will work. And so we invest our time, invest our emotions, invest our selves in the relationship. We push, we pull, haggle, negotiate and work out differences. And sometimes, despite our best efforts, it still doesn't work out. There are different ways of fighting for a relationship, some do it by constant communication (nagging?) others do it by stoically ignoring all but the most vicious of blows. Both are legitimate ways of getting by. Sometimes we walk away, battered and bloodied, worn and weary. We cut our losses, brace our shoulders, and soldier on despite the hurt. Regardless of what it may seem, very often the WS also feels great pain, feels frustrated, feels helpless. We may not have fought in the exact way you expected us to fight for the relationship, but that doesn't mean we didn't fight with all our reserves of strength. Edited January 21, 2010 by El Ben
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