shadowplay Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 People are so dismissive of unrequited love, but I believe the feeling of being in love is basically the same whether or not the other person returns the affection. Now having experienced both, I can verify that the feeling is pretty much identical. The only difference is unrequited love lacks the security and comfort of requited love. It's less satisfying, but it is a kind of love in its own way. One argument against unrequited love is that you don't really know the person as well. In reality, you can get a pretty strong sense of a person if you have a lot of exposure to them, especially if you happen to see them at their most intimate, and especially if have good intuition about other people. That said, I think love at first sight is completely bull. It takes awhile for your brain to form a coherent picture of what a person is like and then to internalize it on an emotional level so you can feel love. I guess my point in starting this thread is that people shouldn't be so dismissive of unrequited love. If it's a semantic thing, then fine, but there should be some acknowledgment of the strength and legitimacy of the lover's feelings. Yes, it's an unhealthy thing to indulge and experience, but that doesn't make the feeling any less real.
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 When people are high on cocaine, I know they're feeling great but should we be enabling this? I'm totally dismissive of unrequited love. It's a waste of emotion, emotion that could be put into a two-way relationship, which is healthy for both of you.
OceanTropic Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 When people are high on cocaine, I know they're feeling great but should we be enabling this? I'm totally dismissive of unrequited love. It's a waste of emotion, emotion that could be put into a two-way relationship, which is healthy for both of you. I totally agree. Why spend time and emotion and energy on someone who couldn't care less? It just sets us up for heartbreak, or disappointment. Unrequited love is not love, its more admiration if anything.
Author shadowplay Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) When people are high on cocaine, I know they're feeling great but should we be enabling this? I'm totally dismissive of unrequited love. It's a waste of emotion, emotion that could be put into a two-way relationship, which is healthy for both of you. No, it shouldn't be enabled. My point is simply that the feeling itself is very similar to what requited love feels like which is something I find surprising. Edited January 19, 2010 by shadowplay
and.then.some Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I find it interesting that unrequited love is given some value in this thread, but that love at first sight is called bull. If you suggest that one can intuitively pick up on things about the one they admire from a far, how is it then impossible for this to occur at "first sight"? If intuition is part of the deal, I don't think it should be allowed in one instance, yet totally dismissed in another. The problem with being in love in both situations, IMHO, is that... some people are in love with love or with the idea of being in love, more so than with the actual person. I don't believe there are different types of love. I believe that love is love in all situations. However, it just varies in intensity. Our desires are something totally separate from actually loving a person. Thus, to be in love, especially in unrequired love, that desire has more to do with a personal want than with actually loving, and caring for the other individual. I don't mean to imply that being in love is purely selfish by any means. It's simply that there is a difference between loving someone and wanting someone. (No, I'm not saying that the other person has to love and want you in order for you to actually love the other person.) Love is a beautiful thing in all forms. However, when you're talking about special bonds and so forth, I don't believe the bond formed in unrequited love is the same as it would be were the situation mutual. The bond formed with the person you've known intimately for years and years and made love to hundreds of times is not the same as the bond between the two people who have a far less intimate relationship with one another. I've had crushes, but I've never fallen clear on my bum over someone who didn't appear to return my affections. Further, even when a crush did in fact return my affections, and I did "fall in love at first sight"... it was not the same as when a relationship was established, formed, and allowed to blossom. On first meeting, I would say my intuition was correct, and I hit the nail right on the head as far as his character, temperament, and so forth were concerned. But... it wasn't the same thing as getting to really know him, forming a relationship, and then a bond, and working through those good and bad times together. I don't believe there is any comparison at all. To this day, I'd readily take the scalp of anyone who gave him any problems... and I don't even "want" him anymore. How's that for romanticism? There's a place in his heart, just like the one he has in mine, that no one will ever take. It may not have been meant to be in that happily ever after fairytale sort of way. And, while we may both fall in love again, there is just... well... I guess it's the way that having another child will never replace the one you already have or the one you've lost. I don't believe that's in any ways comparable to an infatuation.
Ilovehim Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 ok your post kind of doesn't make sense. sorry. i have never heard anyone say that unrequited love isn't real. what's unrequited love? when you love someone and they don't love you back. i was with my ex for 2 years, we were both in love, then he fell out of love, i was still in love with him. so i'm guessing at that point a beautiful well returned love BECAME unrequited love. people who say unrequited love isnt "real" are making no sense. you CAN love someone who doesn't love you back. how lovely it would be if that wasn't true. if the only way to feel love was to be loved in return. also (again not to judge your beliefs) but how can you say unrequited love is "okay" and say you have felt it? unrequited love is VERY painful especially when it's someone who at one point DID love you and all of a sudden cheats on you, or leaves you for someone else and STOPS loving you. i am against unrequited love because there are no good feelings..it's a hole in your chest, that no thank you but i prefer to live without. now in my case i took the good with the bad, because at one point me and my ex were VERY happy..but what about those people who never have their love returned?? i dont know how in the world loving someone and not being loved back can be a good feeling..as i once heard a quote "one of the best things you'll experience in life is to love and to be loved.":love:
paddington bear Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Ocean Tropic: I totally agree. Why spend time and emotion and energy on someone who couldn't care less? Well obviously, but you are missing the point. As if you can control who you love. 'Oh this person doesn't love me back so I will just choose to stop loving them because that's stupid'. It doesn't work this way at all. And yes, urequited love is the same as falling in love in a reciprocal relationship, you have all the feelings, you as the person in love, are 'in love' the same chemicals are released, the same feelings are felt. Unfortunately despite your feelings being as strong, you don't get any support or sympathy when the object of your affection goes off with someone else or whatever. Friends will say things like 'ach well, he was never going to want you anyway' not realising that your heart has been torn out as much as it would be when a reciprocal relationship breaks up. It's all very well telling someone to not waste their time on an unrequited love, but IME you cannot help it, your feelings take over and you cannot control them, much as you logically know what the deal is. If you could simply turn on and off your emotions it would be much easier, but we don't work that way.
ella23 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) There was another similar thread where someone made a pretty good post on unrequited love, describing the feelings perfectly. I'll see if I can find it. edit: this one It's like being a kid who spots that single toy that stands out from the rest. That one toy that we decide to pour all our efforts and energy into earning enough money to buy. And when we finally go back to the store with beating hearts and racing minds of anticipation we find that they're all sold out. Our hearts sink to the deepest pits in our body as we stare at that other kid who had his parents simply buy it for them without a sweat. I don't mean to belittle one's love for that special someone by comparing to a toy but... I hope that feeling of unfairness and enormous disappointment got across. For me the feeling is slowly passing as days goes by. It's hard to even consider trying to find another that could possibly fill those shoes you made for someone else. Analogies aside, the feeling sucks. Especially if it had been a LTR like mine because it's harder to let go. Try to look forward and remember that our hopes and dreams are a renewable resource within ourselves. Edited January 19, 2010 by ella23
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I 100% agree with what paddington bear said (again!) A long time ago, under another username I posted my unrequited love story. I knew the guy for years, we were close friends, pretty much everyday contact (we even made out a few times). He ended up meeting someone else and ditching me. I locked myself in my apartment, didn't eat or sleep for days and couldn't stop crying. I posted on here to get some help and all I got was a mix of "just get over it, he was never into you" and "I can't understand how you can feel this way about someone you never had an actual romantic relationship with". (even though I was friends with this guy for 5 years). One poster even took the liberty of saying that I am "crazy" and "metally unstable" because you can't possibly be this upset over someone that you weren't involved with. On and on it went. Yet if I was "officially" dating a guy for 6 motnhs and broke up - I would receive tons more support because people consider that "normal" and unrequited love situations or falling in love with someone and not having a relationship with them as "abnormal". I am truly sickened how close minded members of LS completly dismiss unrequited love. And comments like "there is no point so get over it", ummm hate to break it to you smarty but after so many years I WOULD IF I F-ING COULD. Glad I am long since out of that particular situation but it truly left bitter taste in my mouth towards some LS members. Ocean Tropic: I totally agree. Why spend time and emotion and energy on someone who couldn't care less? Well obviously, but you are missing the point. As if you can control who you love. 'Oh this person doesn't love me back so I will just choose to stop loving them because that's stupid'. It doesn't work this way at all. And yes, urequited love is the same as falling in love in a reciprocal relationship, you have all the feelings, you as the person in love, are 'in love' the same chemicals are released, the same feelings are felt. Unfortunately despite your feelings being as strong, you don't get any support or sympathy when the object of your affection goes off with someone else or whatever. Friends will say things like 'ach well, he was never going to want you anyway' not realising that your heart has been torn out as much as it would be when a reciprocal relationship breaks up. It's all very well telling someone to not waste their time on an unrequited love, but IME you cannot help it, your feelings take over and you cannot control them, much as you logically know what the deal is. If you could simply turn on and off your emotions it would be much easier, but we don't work that way.
ella23 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I posted on here to get some help and all I got was a mix of "just get over it, he was never into you" and "I can't understand how you can feel this way about someone you never had an actual romantic relationship with". (even though I was friends with this guy for 5 years). One poster even took the liberty of saying that I am "crazy" and "metally unstable" because you can't possibly be this upset over someone that you weren't involved with. On and on it went. I've seen people make such posts, which frankly don't make sense, because love is love, requited or not, so how can someone just 'get over' the person? "Get over it because he's not into you" makes no sense whatsoever. It's not just LS, IRL, too, most people seem dismissive of unrequited love. I am truly sickened how close minded members of LS completly dismiss unrequited love. And comments like "there is no point so get over it", ummm hate to break it to you smarty but after so many years I WOULD IF I F-ING COULD. you still have feelings for him?
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Yep Ella, people in real life say the same things and that makes me just want to not tell anyone anything anymore. No, I don't have any feelings for this guy anymore. It was a long time ago, haven't talked to him in almost 2 years. I heard that he is getting married to some girl this month and honestly I don't even feel sad about it. The only thing that helped me truly move on is time and less to no ontact with him. But it did take a looooooong time for the feelings to fade. Forcing myself to get over it only had the opposite effect. BTW in case your wondering; we made out but never had sex so we never got to the breast issue
ella23 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) Yep Ella, people in real life say the same things and that makes me just want to not tell anyone anything anymore. No, I don't have any feelings for this guy anymore. It was a long time ago, haven't talked to him in almost 2 years. I heard that he is getting married to some girl this month and honestly I don't even feel sad about it. Oh ok. You said " ummm hate to break it to you smarty but after so many years I WOULD IF I F-ING COULD. ", so I thought perhaps you still have feelings for him. Glad you've moved on. The only thing that helped me truly move on is time and less to no ontact with him. But it did take a looooooong time for the feelings to fade. Forcing myself to get over it only had the opposite effect. Getting over unrequited love is usually harder, from what I've seen. Sometimes when you don't cut contact, the feeling of hope that things will change and the person will fall in love with you don't go away. So many people seem to experience it; that is why I'm surprised when I see people being so dismissive of it. BTW in case your wondering; we made out but never had sex so we never got to the breast issue I actually didn't think about that lol, because you only mentioned you made out in the first post. I hope this issue won't stop you from forming relationships in the future. I'm the last person who should be saying that though because of how I still feel lol. Edited January 19, 2010 by ella23
paddington bear Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Thanks Sadandconfused - and likewise! I think the sex issue confuses things nowadays. If you take some beloved 'women's' novels such as Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice as an example. None of the couples in that, or in that era, or class bracket were allowed to have sex before marriage, women would be chaperoned, and closely watched to make sure nothing untoward happened before marriage. And yet strong feelings of love blossomed without any sexual contact happening. And that can still happen and does happen now. I don't see why it's so crazy for one person to fall for say a good friend who they see often and have a lot in common with just because they have had no sexual contact. I posted on here to get some help and all I got was a mix of "just get over it, he was never into you" and "I can't understand how you can feel this way about someone you never had an actual romantic relationship with". (even though I was friends with this guy for 5 years). One poster even took the liberty of saying that I am "crazy" and "metally unstable" because you can't possibly be this upset over someone that you weren't involved with. On and on it went. SadandConfused I think people on the outside of situations, either posters on here, or even close friends can be quite cut and dried about it, and have no concept that their criticism of the object of your love, cuts you to the core 'he's a loser, just dump him' 'he never wanted you anyway' really hurts, even if it's the truth. This kind of advice might apply if you'd just met someone 2 weeks previously and haven't fallen deeply, it does not really help when you have fallen. I do think an unrequited love is much harder to get over, because not only do you never get reciprocal love, you also don't get to feel of any value to that person ever, and on top of that you get your heart broken. At least those in normal relationships had 'the good time's at some point which must be of some consolation. I still think about the last guy that I fell for every damn day, but with NC going on for over 6 months now, he's finally fading into some kind of ghost-like figure. I'm not sure what would happen if I actually bumped into him somewhere, I think it would set me back a couple of months in all honestly. The only advice regarding being in love with someone who doesn't love you back applies to the very beginning, when you can actually walk away before you get yourself into that situation, to see those red flags and disengage before any damage is done. Once you've fallen, no contact is they only way to go, but that really rips your heart out and is a difficult and heart-breaking path to follow.
gypsy_nicky Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) People are so dismissive of unrequited love, but I believe the feeling of being in love is basically the same whether or not the other person returns the affection. I remember reading somewhere that unrequited love is the highest state of intimate love (likened to unconditional love) one experiences because love in an human sense is very much conditional and requires reciprocity. ....and because humans are strange creatures, we also have the capacity to love others who reject us. Edited January 19, 2010 by gypsy_nicky
paddington bear Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I remember reading somewhere that unrequited love is the highest state of intimate love (likened to unconditional love) one experiences because love in an human sense is very much conditional and requires reciprocity. Hmm...that's an interesting theory. On the flipside unrequited love is also an indicator of low self-esteem (speaking purely for myself here) that I have kept myself in the position where I will never get reciprocal love and get repeated reminders of that, perhaps because at the time I didn't feel like I deserved it, so ended up getting repeatedly hurt. There is an element of masochism that goes on I think.
gypsy_nicky Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Hmm...that's an interesting theory. On the flipside unrequited love is also an indicator of low self-esteem (speaking purely for myself here) that I have kept myself in the position where I will never get reciprocal love and get repeated reminders of that, perhaps because at the time I didn't feel like I deserved it, so ended up getting repeatedly hurt. There is an element of masochism that goes on I think. not really a theory more of a pov. Haven't read any literature relating self esteem with unrequited love (yet) as almost all people experience it. I could only think of attachment style if it were related to self esteem.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 how lovely it would be if that wasn't true. if the only way to feel love was to be loved in return.:love: That would be lovely, awesome, and alleviate much heartache.
OceanTropic Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) Ocean Tropic: I totally agree. Why spend time and emotion and energy on someone who couldn't care less? Well obviously, but you are missing the point. As if you can control who you love. 'Oh this person doesn't love me back so I will just choose to stop loving them because that's stupid'. It doesn't work this way at all. And yes, urequited love is the same as falling in love in a reciprocal relationship, you have all the feelings, you as the person in love, are 'in love' the same chemicals are released, the same feelings are felt. Unfortunately despite your feelings being as strong, you don't get any support or sympathy when the object of your affection goes off with someone else or whatever. Friends will say things like 'ach well, he was never going to want you anyway' not realising that your heart has been torn out as much as it would be when a reciprocal relationship breaks up. It's all very well telling someone to not waste their time on an unrequited love, but IME you cannot help it, your feelings take over and you cannot control them, much as you logically know what the deal is. If you could simply turn on and off your emotions it would be much easier, but we don't work that way. You're right, we can't control who we fall in love with. But why pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same? We can love from a distance, but I disagree with trying to be with the person who doesn't return the same feelings. Why the continual reminder that are feelings are not returned? Why the constant disappointment? I think being in love with someone who returns the same feelings, is different then being in love with someone who doesn't. One is mutual understanding, a connection that strengthens the love you have, while the other is blind admiration. Edited January 19, 2010 by OceanTropic
paddington bear Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 You're right, we can't control who we fall in love with. But why pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same? We can love from a distance, but I disagree with trying to be with the person who doesn't return the same feelings. Why the continual reminder that are feelings are not returned? Why the constant disappointment? I think being in love with someone who returns the same feelings, is different then being in love with someone who doesn't. One is mutual understanding, a connection that strengthens the love you have, while the other is blind admiration. Agreed up to a point! And as I mentioned in another posting, for me anyway there was an element of masochism in it, not that I wanted the emotional pain, but that was all I thought I deserved, so you just kind of accept that that's the way it is and carry on loving and taking the pain of it never being returned. I also agree not to keep yourself in that situation...but, when I realised I had strong feelings for this guy who already told me he wanted us to be just friends, I tried so damn hard to distance myself from him, I really did, I tried to get other dates, I tried to avoid seeing him, but the desire to simply see him, or be in his company always won out - not helped by him begging and pleading to see me and telling me he 'needed' me and numerous phoncalls and requests to see me...I just wasn't strong enough to resist that amount of attention, and indeed it contributed to me falling for him in the first place. Nor was I brave enough to say, 'look I like you as more than a friend, I know you don't see me in that way, so it's best we don't see each other until I can relate to you in a platonic way' because I kept cringing at the thought of admitting that I'd gone and fallen for him even though it wasn't allowed. And also it's an admission that you have lived a lie for whatever amount of time, that you've been a 'false' friend, only hanging around in expectation of getting more, so I never just put it on the table, because I'm a coward. If you are in a situation where, say you work together, or study together or see each other regularly for whatever reason, it's simply hard to disengage, that person is in your face every day. I've been in love in a relationship and in love with someone who didn't love me back and for me anyway, there was no difference in the intensity of the emotions I felt for either.
OceanTropic Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I've been in love in a relationship and in love with someone who didn't love me back and for me anyway, there was no difference in the intensity of the emotions I felt for either. Really? Your feelings for someone who loved you back, didn't get any stronger as you were intimate with each other and grew together? You're saying this love felt the same as when you loved someone who didn't care? I find that hard to believe missy!
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Really? Your feelings for someone who loved you back, didn't get any stronger as you were intimate with each other and grew together? You're saying this love felt the same as when you loved someone who didn't care? I find that hard to believe missy! OT, feelings of unrequited love can be very intense. I am not talking about a crush here, it's about knowing a person for a long time and having these feelings. They can be so overwhelming. Not sure if you have heard of the term "limerence". In my case, I was only ever in relationships with men I was never truly in love with (put it this way, if I didn't try that I would now be 31 with never having had a relationship). We spent a lot of time together. We had sex. We confided in each other. Yet my feelings for those men were by far weaker than my unrequited love feelings. You could say that I was never lucky enough to experience requited love so I guess I can't compare.
paddington bear Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Really? Your feelings for someone who loved you back, didn't get any stronger as you were intimate with each other and grew together? You're saying this love felt the same as when you loved someone who didn't care? I find that hard to believe missy! Ha ha! That's me told. I guess for me, the guy I fell for did care for me in every way other than the sex and kissing. We had a very intimate, trusting relationship, and he treated me like a girlfriend in every way other than the kissing and sex, so we did grow closer and closer, shared more and more secrets and time together and lives melding together...until the inevitable implosion of course - because he kind of led me on, it wasn't just me mooning over him. The only difference I see is that when someone is intimate with you and loves you back that you can have a nice, calm 'I am loved' secure feeling of love. Whereas there was always shame attached to loving someone who won't love you back, pleasure and pain, but honestly, the depth of emotion is still there. Never again though, nipping any potential situation like that in the bud from now on.
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