Author dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Do you prefer to lead or be lead? I do like a balance of both. I don't mind leading at times, as long as I know he's really happy with what we are doing. But sometimes I want him to just take the reigns and lead.
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I do like a balance of both. I don't mind leading at times, as long as I know he's really happy with what we are doing. But sometimes I want him to just take the reigns and lead.Let's pretend he does this, once in awhile, and you don't like the way he does it. How would you address this?
Ms. Joolie Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think it's great that you recognize and want to understand his passiveness. The most you can do is encourage him to make more choices and compliment his passivity with your own personality. He may not change anytime soon, and certainly not if he doesn't want to. The most you can do is be a sort of balance for his extreme. If you want to, you can work with it and likely get something out of that. I believe that when we open ourselves up to a relationship with someone, that relationship helps our own journey in some way. Doesn't have to work out though. There's no obligation to work at a relationship you don't want. I think if it turns out to be more work or frustration dealing with this guy, then it's safe to say he's not a good match for you.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Let's pretend he does this, once in awhile, and you don't like the way he does it. How would you address this? The way he leads?
Author dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I think it's great that you recognize and want to understand his passiveness. The most you can do is encourage him to make more choices and compliment his passivity with your own personality. He may not change anytime soon, and certainly not if he doesn't want to. The most you can do is be a sort of balance for his extreme. If you want to, you can work with it and likely get something out of that. I believe that when we open ourselves up to a relationship with someone, that relationship helps our own journey in some way. Doesn't have to work out though. There's no obligation to work at a relationship you don't want. I think if it turns out to be more work or frustration dealing with this guy, then it's safe to say he's not a good match for you. I don't feel like it's work. I feel like I'm trying to understand him better. I don't want him to do a 360 and be completely different. I like that he wants to do things to make me happy, I just want him to be happy too.
Ms. Joolie Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Forgot to add.... you could encourage him to speak up more, even find out what he is passionate about... what really gets him going.
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 The way he leads?Yes, the way he leads. Example: He makes the effort to set something fun up, or at least his concept of fun which isn't something you enjoy doing.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Yes, the way he leads. Example: He makes the effort to set something fun up, or at least his concept of fun which isn't something you enjoy doing. I would still do it with him, if he wants to do it. The relationship can't be just about what I want.
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I would still do it with him, if he wants to do it. The relationship can't be just about what I want.But if each time he leads, it was to do something he enjoys, rather than something you both enjoy, how would you address it? I'm trying to get a feel of what makes you tick, possibly getting you to see this through the process too. For certain, I'm not trying to corner you.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 But if each time he leads, it was to do something he enjoys, rather than something you both enjoy, how would you address it? I'm trying to get a feel of what makes you tick, possibly getting you to see this through the process too. For certain, I'm not trying to corner you. With him, and how he is, it would always be just about what he wants though. Because he gives to what I want to do, it would only be fair to share the things he wants to do. If it became just about him, I'd talk to him about it. Let him know that I'd like to do this or that this time, and next time he'd pick.
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 With him, and how he is, it would always be just about what he wants though. Because he gives to what I want to do, it would only be fair to share the things he wants to do. If it became just about him, I'd talk to him about it. Let him know that I'd like to do this or that this time, and next time he'd pick.Okay, now that you've expressed this here, why not express this directly to him? "Hey you, while it's nice to always have my way , you matter too. What do you really want to do? I'm going to sit back, shut up and let you decide. :love:"
Ms. Joolie Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Okay, now that you've expressed this here, why not express this directly to him? "Hey you, while it's nice to always have my way , you matter too. What do you really want to do? I'm going to sit back, shut up and let you decide. :love:" Totally along the lines of what needs to be expressed on the OP's part imo. This reminds me of how I need to deal with frustrations. Sometimes you just have to hammer them away until you get to what needs to be expressed/communicated and acted on.
threebyfate Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 To expand on this, I would deliver the lines in a light-hearted way by sitting down, wiggling my bottom to get more comfortable and feign that my lips were sealed, shaking my head, while smiling with my eyes and body language, if he tries to protest. This way, it's non-threatening and encouraging.
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Hmmm maybe I can encourage the more aggressive out spoken behavior then? Maybe when I can tell he's enjoying himself, I can tell him I'm so glad I can see he's having fun. Yes...kind of what I was saying above. Example "I really like it when you...." fill in the blank. Guys naturally want to impress women....I think it could work here.
torranceshipman Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 He sounds like some guys I knew at college who were athletes. They were laid back and chill about really trivial things (i.e. where to eat, which movie to see, whatever), and didn't sweat it, so would be happy doing whatever. But when it came to the real deal - what mattered to them - sport - they were totally focused and wouldn't move on their training, nutrition, etc etc. Seemed like they were all or nothing with their passion for stuff (I personally quite like this approach). Maybe thats the same with this guy. Once you've been dating a while, you'll probably see some of that. Just give him time....
paddington bear Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Dreamergirl did you catch the thread about how it seems only rude, demanding women are in LTR's - I would alter this to rude, demanding women but also women who are self-assertive. Anyway, that thread got me thinking and I have this lover guy who I'm kind of confused about right now. Even though he's just a lover, he's kind of half way between that and a boyfriend, and it's confusing me. Anyway, since he keeps claiming he loves me, I was wondering why he wasn't backing it up with actions. So..after 6 months of this casual relationship thing I said 'I want to go to the cinema'...he said 'uwhmwwhhhh I dont' know...' and I said 'Oh, so you don't want to go with me?' and he immediately countered back with 'no, no! We'll go, when do you want to go?' Ok, so boring story...my point is that I realised that maybe this passive guy (and he is) is one of those guys who simply wants to be told what to do, how to make me happy. If I don't pipe up that I want to do this and that, he thinks I'm happy the way things are now, but I'm also denying him the chance to feel like he's given me something I wanted. So, maybe simply start saying 'I'd like to do x, y, z' and maybe it's not him being passive, but simply waiting for you to tell him what to do that would make you happy - men are very bad at mind-reading and hints I've found, which I hate, I feel naggy when I have to spell out which is, to me obvious, but you gotta do it sometimes.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 As soon as I find my phone and can call him and see him again, I'll give you all an update
sumdude Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 men are very bad at mind-reading and hints I've found, The light bulb is lit! The more women realize this the better their relationships will get. No one is a mind reader and men aren't born with the women's smoke signal decoder software installed.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 So he had a bad start off the week. I haven't heard from him the last few days. I lost my phone last night, before I responded to something crappy that happened to him, so I sent him a text from a friends phone to let him know I wasn't ignoring him and I hope today is better (was that bad?) Then a very nice person had found my phone and got it returned to me. So I sent him a text tonight letting him know I had my phone again (I thought it was long gone) and hoping that he had a good day, and that I hope we could get together again before he leaves on Thursday. I didn't get anything back, although he does fall asleep early on days that he works long. This is the most minimal contact we've had so far. Perhaps he isn't even interested anymore?
PinkToes Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 "Hey you, while it's nice to always have my way , you matter too. What do you really want to do? I'm going to sit back, shut up and let you decide. :love:" I think this would be very telling. When I dated someone similar, we went away for his birthday and I said I would like him to make all the decisions for his special weekend, that I wanted us to do only things he would enjoy. It was miserable for him; painful. He spent the whole time trying to guess what I wanted, and then asking over & over whether what we were doing was OK. Sounds like my situation was a lot more extreme, but it was exhausting, and there was nothing I could do to help him.
Star Gazer Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I can't imagine ever being in a relationship with one. It would drive me absolutely insane. Same here. ((shudder))
Star Gazer Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 But there's a lot of turn on's. The way we can laugh together, and joke, and be goofy. The way he looks at me, he'll just gaze at me and smile. How he'll just grab my hand or put his arm around me. The random texts just to tell me to have a good day. When he looks at me and tells me he likes it when I smile. The way he kisses me. The way he hugs me. That's all external - that is, what he DOES. Anyone can DO those things. So the question becomes, WHO IS he? A passive guy.
Author dreamergrl Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 That's all external - that is, what he DOES. Anyone can DO those things. So the question becomes, WHO IS he? A passive guy. But just because anyone can do those things, that doesn't mean everyone does. I invited him to the poker night me and my friends have at my house once a month and he said he wants to come. We'll see how that goes.
Star Gazer Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 But just because anyone can do those things, that doesn't mean everyone does. They're still just things he DOES, not who he IS. *shrug*
bananaboat11 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I love the people who talk, talk, talk, talk, talk... basically talk your ear off and personally believe they are communicating... when all in all, they're just talking. I can deal w/ a passive individual... as long as it isn't due to low self-esteem... but that'll usually crop up another issue in time. Take my ex girlfriend for example... overly passive for the first month... very sweet, caring, etc... second month.. holy ****. I've never been physically used for sex and verbally abused so much in my life. I am not usually one to think low of myself.. I am very confident, but somehow... this low self-esteem sad type girl DESTROYED me emotionally... I am just now building myself back up to be a better person... i don't know why I told you all that when it has nothing to do w/ the topic.... Passive doesn't necessarily mean bad things is what I was getting at. It's confidence and self esteem that can drive a relationship up or down
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