Celestine Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Warning, this might turn out to be a long post but I have to get it off my chest. I have been wondering about this recently, I just figured that I have no clue what love actually is. I was never taught as a child. I do not doubt that my parents loved me, but they never told me. I never heard them say the three words that would have meant the world to me. They cared for me when I was ill, they never came late to pick me up after school, they taught me everything about cooking, they made sure I was doing well in school. But while they were doing all that great stuff for me, I just felt that emotionally there was something missing. The older I grew the more noticeable it became. Not only did my parents not tell that they loved me, but I never got the feeling that they loved each other. They lived in separate rooms, they never kissed each other, they never held hands, they didn’t hug. There were no soft touches, no caring, loving words. When my dad let my mom down and she stood in front of him crying, he didn’t even seem to notice. When they fought, he threw bad words at her and they hurt her, I could see that. He slammed doors. But none of this is what left my mom her deep emotional scars. I was the silence that followed. The time he took until he decided to talk to her again, he punished her with keeping silent, no matter how desperately she begged for him to talk to her again and solve the problem. She cried, she screamed, she threatened to leave and never come back. In the end, she always turned back to him. Is that love? I didn’t think it was. It seemed more like that my mom was emotionally dependent on my dad. When I was 14 my mom approved that. Of course, she didn’t openly admit to it. But she told me about Sergey whom she had met during her summer vacation in Moscow. She said she believed he was the love of her life. He was married but she said he would have divorced his wife for her. She told me that if I wasn’t for me, she would have stayed in Moscow and have given it a try. While my mom had nothing but Sergey on her mind, my dad spent his time surfing online dating communities. There he met Julia. He even took me along on a date he had with her. Julia was everything my mother wasn’t. Especially she had one characteristic trait my mom hadn’t, she was emotionally stable. I admit I liked her. But no way did I know how to deal with this situation at age 14. Both my parents had told me to keep my mouth shut about what they had told me. It’s been five years since then. My mom spent three months in a psychosomatic hospital as an in-patient because of vertigo attacks and depression in 2007. I have no idea if my dad still sees Julia, last time I saw them together was in 2006. I have move out a year ago and I feel like I finally come to terms with that tiny little thing called love. But it’s still a big deal for me. And it certainly doesn’t come naturally to me. Not the words, not the touches and actions. I will try my very best to love someone. I'm just so scared that one of the two will get so deeply hurt that it might not be worth the risk. I don't want to be let down the way my mom was. And I don't want to let a guy down, just because I don't know any better. Up to now, I always stayed on the safe side which meant that I ran away as soon as the thing got more serious. Ever since I can remember I have tried to keep emotional bonds as shallow as possible. And I can tell that I hate myself for doing that. It's unfair for everyone involved and it doesn't satisfy me. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'd be very grateful for any advice or encouraging words. - Celestine
Simon Attwood Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Hi Celestine I was reading this on my phone on the way home from work and was itching to reply, but thought it was a reply I really needed to be sitting at a proper keyboard for. Was it cathartic writing that out? I bet it was. Have you discussed this with anyone else or is this the first time you’ve been able to put it in to words? The first question I have for you is do you have any memory at all of before your parents became so distant and cold towards each other? Is there a time when you do remember them showing affection towards each other? I can’t tell from this post whether you are an only child or not, do you have sisters or brothers? She told me that if it wasn’t for me This is what is called the IWFY Game in Transactional Analysis (If it Wasn’t For You) and is more usually played between spouses. My mother also played this one on me a few times. The fact that 5 others came after me was irrelevant. My mother once told me that her pregnancy with me was a bargaining chip in order not to lose my father; that she deliberately became pregnant with me in order to entrap him. This later, when their relationship hit difficulties, became a IWFY game. When she no longer wanted to be with him, it was my fault. I know how identity destroying these things can be and how unintentionally parents can be hurtful towards their children. The important bit there is the word unintentionally. Our parents are our earliest role models; almost like our first gods, they are supposed to be infallible, beyond imperfection. This makes dealing with parental imperfections a very difficult subject. As we grow up we slowly learn that our parents aren’t the ideals that we once held them to be, if we can digest this and move forward then all is OK, but very often digesting and accepting the imperfections and failings of parents hits a stumbling block. Melanie Klein was a pioneer in Child Psychology and I would like to share a quote of hers, which I was reminded of by your post. It’s not so much that you don’t know how to love. The love is there as it is in all of us, the only thing that keeps it locked up is the fear of love because love is a place so full of doubt and uncertainties and fears. Primarily fears of rejection or fears of the love not being reciprocated; anyway, here’s the quote that your post reminded me of. “If we have forgiven our parents for the frustrations we had to bear then we can be at peace with ourselves and are able to love others”
Author Celestine Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 (edited) Thanks so much for your reply. It was cathartic, you're right! Have you discussed this with anyone else or is this the first time you’ve been able to put it in to words? I haven't really discussed this with anyone, I once talked about it to a friend, but more in a joking way. He got the message though. I blocked when he was trying to talk about it further. I don't know, I'm just not comfortable talking about this to anyone. It's just that I think that there are so many people who have experienced far worse things in their childhood. Who am I to feel so broken because of those few things that happened to me and those few feelings I just didn't experience as a child. The first question I have for you is do you have any memory at all of before your parents became so distant and cold towards each other? Is there a time when you do remember them showing affection towards each other? I really haven't. They have been this way ever since I can remember. I can tell you I'm one of those children that would have put 'for my parents to divorce' on their wish list, hadn't I known how much it would hurt them and therefore not done it. I can’t tell from this post whether you are an only child or not, do you have sisters or brothers? Yeah, I am an only child. I know it's true I'm scared to love or being loved, scared of being hurt or hurt someone. I'm so afraid to turn it into a complete mess that I'd rather stay away from even trying. I would love to give it a try, I just don't know where to start the healing process. Edited January 18, 2010 by Celestine
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Hey, Celestine, You did a very good, and thorough job of describing what you will have to overcome. I'm comforted by the fact that none of the inappropriate environment seems to have been directly imposed upon you in any physical way. I can understand your uncertainty about "love", but I suggest that you will be much better off to focus on learning more about yourSELF. The rest of us had parents who often said: "you are too young to know anything about love". In reality, we were too young to know enough about our own selves to best select the sorts of people we should get to know well enough to perhaps fall in love. For now, if you have no other frame of reference for love, think of it as a certain degree/depth of your own vulnerability you willingly share with somebody. (needless to say, some people, perhaps even some you know, end up offering way too much of their own vulnerability in the back seat of a car, and become pregnant as the result, if you know what I mean) In some ways, your delayed familiarity with love will help you a great deal, because the mental choices you make have a better chance of overruling those seemingly made with your heart, in cases where that would be a good move. I have a young, female friend who is very attractive on the outside, but who lived all her life in a household with an alcoholic mother and an abusive father. This woman struggles in relationships while now in her early 20's, and she yearns for the comfort of various, short-term physical partners whose 'closeness' still tops anything in the way of reassurance she ever got from either parent. I suspect that she didn't discover scenarios where she could comfortably and happily let her guard down, and be well-received for allowing herself to be vulnerable, until she was a young adult away at college. That first discovery was bound to hit her as would an amazing drug on which she could feel incredible warmth. My guess is that similar reactions are ahead for you as well. But if you want to experience them in a completely useful way that could help shape your future (and not just entail being used for sex, lets say) then I think it would be wise to find a way to see a therapist in order to put the (examples) your parents taught you in their proper place. It is ok to have learned from them, mostly in areas of how NOT to conduct yourself within the bounds of a relationship, but your future needs to be much, much better than what they have known. You don't want to leap out there, know the good times for a while, and then reconcile yourself to a lifetime of cheating and being cheated on... (which is so typically the 'sentence' for those who have parents who do such things). It really is all up to you, but you seem very aware, and are inclined to take wise steps while moving toward your adult future.
nutella Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Hey Celestine, I'm so glad you started this thread. I have battled with same issues for a couple of years, well, since I got together with my bf really. I have serious issues about love....I'm not sure if I'm capable of loving or do I even deserve love. If my parents didn't love me when I was a kid, how am I supposed to show love towards my bf? My bf understands my past, but I still haven't said "I love you" after 3 years of being togerher, I don't think I should be with him anymore, I think he deserves something better... I have many aquintances, but not a single very good friend (except my bf), because I'm uncapable of showing affection towards any people. I like to show that I can manage alone, since that feeling is very familiar from my childhood. I don't know if I beleive in love, I don't even think it's possible that two people could live together for decaded loving each other... I have seen a therapist for a couple of times, I think that helps a little...I'm actually thinking of seeing another one now that Ive moved into a new town. I recommend that to you too, if you have money to spare. Would like to hear from you again
jckkeith Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 There are many definitions of love. To someone it means one thing but to another it means something else. "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection" It's a feeling. It's the feeling of knowing you can't live, eat, sleep, breathe without the object of your love. You miss them when they are gone and think about them constantly.
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