How do you rebuild trust or should I just cut my losses and move on?

[AppleGirl]

This past year has been hell with my bf. I have caught him lying about numerous things over the past year. He is addicted to porn and we have been to counselling numerous times for all this.

 

I have threatened to throw him out a half dozen times but cave in before he has time to leave. We argue a lot. About our respective kids, about the fact that he still has not finalized his divorce yet(even though we have been together for 2 years).

 

I am afraid of being alone. I left my marriage for this relationship. I feel like I have kept up my end of the bargain but that my bf just turned out to be someone completely different than who I thought he was.

 

Basically the problem is that I catch him doing things he shouldn't be doing and then he says he's sorry...but I eventually catch him doing it again.

 

I am just so full of self loathing right now. I am depressed and have started going to counselling on my own. I just feel without worth and that if I was "better" somehow that my bf would treat me with respect.

 

Part of me feels that I would be better off without this relationship but then another part of me is terrified at that thought.

[carhill]

IMO, a great topic to explore in counseling would be where the fear of being alone comes from. Such fears can be debilitating. One feels paralyzed.

 

If both parties are willing, divorces can go pretty smoothly, but the necessary legalities, as I'm sure you experienced in your D, can take some time. Every D is different. Does his issues with finalizing his D stand alone, or are they indicative of a more elemental pattern, as you seem to infer by description of other behaviors? What's your perspective on that and can you accept it? More fodder for counseling.

 

IMO, apologies without meaningful action to back them up are like whispers on the wind. In a moment, forgotten.

 

If you're on the fence here, try doing an asset/liability ledger. Compare the positives and negatives and balance that result against your health and decide if that level of health is good for you. Your BF seems like he's pretty content with the way things are going for him; investigate that as well. Is he happy his divorce is still not settled? Ambivalent? Frustrated? What? Just one example. Is he happy in your relationship?

[AppleGirl]

IMO, a great topic to explore in counseling would be where the fear of being alone comes from. Such fears can be debilitating. One feels paralyzed.

 

If both parties are willing, divorces can go pretty smoothly, but the necessary legalities, as I'm sure you experienced in your D, can take some time. Every D is different. Does his issues with finalizing his D stand alone, or are they indicative of a more elemental pattern, as you seem to infer by description of other behaviors? What's your perspective on that and can you accept it? More fodder for counseling.

 

IMO, apologies without meaningful action to back them up are like whispers on the wind. In a moment, forgotten.

 

If you're on the fence here, try doing an asset/liability ledger. Compare the positives and negatives and balance that result against your health and decide if that level of health is good for you. Your BF seems like he's pretty content with the way things are going for him; investigate that as well. Is he happy his divorce is still not settled? Ambivalent? Frustrated? What? Just one example. Is he happy in your relationship?

 

 

You always give really good advice, Carhill. You must be an old soul.

 

As for exploring the fear of bring alone and exploring that in counselling...I already know where it comes from and the prospect of dissecting those memories and exposing them to air is one that I shy away from.

 

As I had said before, in another post, my father was only 19 when I was born and my mother was 16. They were both got kicked out of their respective houses and got married.I was neglected and a pain in the ass to them. My father drank a lot and was physically aggressive. I was terrified of him. All I wanted was for him to love me, yet that never came to fruition. Not even to this day, even though I am an adult. My father still speaks to me with anger.

 

And so, I have spent my whole entire dating life subconsciously trying to find a "Daddy" and all I have managed to do is recreate the dynamic that I had with my father. I find men that are abusive in some way. I find men that devalue me.

 

And now, enter my BF. He is a Daddy type. I call him "Daddy" and he calls me "Little Girl". He fulfills a lot of that yearning for a dominant male to "take care of me and tell me I'm good and pretty" but there are also things about him that are not so terrific.

 

But even though there are these horrible things going on, I keep holding on because I am so completely in love with the "Daddy" in him and how he makes me feel when he takes care of me. I am also addicted to the sex, which has been hot and scorching since we first met. I have never had a bf who satisfied me sexually before. But, I am completely happy in that area with him.

 

I have done the whole asset/liability thing before with him and, honestly, I don't know if I can ever leave him. I have tried before (multiple times in the past year) but neither of us can seem to stay away from one another. Our relationship obviously satisfies some sort of need in him as well.

 

I know he loves me because he is not a "talker" and hates talking about his feelings, yet he is willing to go to counselling with me whenever I ask.

 

This morning he brushed the snow off my car for me before he went to work. He always does that kind of stuff for me and I never ask, he just does it. I have never had a man do the kids of things that he does for me. He just "takes care of me".

 

*sigh*

 

Things are never cut and dry, are they?

[carhill]

Can you accept that it's OK for you to have this kind of relationship right now, at this time in your life? You seem to want something different, but at the same time see substantial positives for yourself as well here. Is that balance a health you can feel good about?

 

You say he's 'willing' to go to counseling when you ask. In the last year (or pick a number), how many times has he actually gone to a counseling session? If/when he has, how has that gone? I'm especially interested in the communication aspect as well as the dynamic immediately subsequent. After having 14 months of MC, I noticed a pattern to the dynamic; a pattern which came to indicate how efficacious the process was for us.

 

Nothing in an intimate relationship is simple, IME. Your marriage probably indicated that. That said, a healthy one shouldn't be a ton of work. Since you and he seem to have a connection which mostly works for you (and I presume him), I'd work to strengthen the positives and put the negatives into their proper and open light and learn to accept them.

 

Long term, however, like for another M, the communication stuff needs to improve, IMO. It's too bad my stbx and I learned that clear communication only as and after our connection died. Hope you fare better

[AppleGirl]

You say he's 'willing' to go to counseling when you ask. In the last year (or pick a number), how many times has he actually gone to a counseling session? If/when he has, how has that gone? I'm especially interested in the communication aspect as well as the dynamic immediately subsequent. After having 14 months of MC, I noticed a pattern to the dynamic; a pattern which came to indicate how efficacious the process was for us.

 

We have gone to counseling four different times in the past year. Three times it went great and opened up a lot of communication between us, there at the session and afterwards.

 

But one time, we did some deeper digging and spoke about the really big issues (porn, chatting with other people, lying, etc) and things didn't go so well. There was a lot of angry yelling and crying. The therapist actually didn't want us to leave after our hour was up and was willing to cancel the person who had shown up after us for the next session, so that we could continue talking. We ended up leaving separately, with me slamming the door in his face on the way out. I was so infuriated.

 

Nothing in an intimate relationship is simple, IME. Your marriage probably indicated that. That said, a healthy one shouldn't be a ton of work. Since you and he seem to have a connection which mostly works for you (and I presume him), I'd work to strengthen the positives and put the negatives into their proper and open light and learn to accept them.

 

Long term, however, like for another M, the communication stuff needs to improve, IMO. It's too bad my stbx and I learned that clear communication only as and after our connection died. Hope you fare better

 

Yes, I agree that we need to work on our communication. The problem is that he is not much of a talker and is also not phased by much in regards to our relationship. I would pretty much have to be having sex right in front of his face with his brother for him to get upset. He's pretty laid back in the relationship dept. He's also a big fan of the "silent treatment" whenever I get angry and bring up an issue that I am not happy with. He says that I'm a giant pain in the ass for always making him dig deeper and look inside himself for the reasons why he does the things he does. Yet, I know he loves me because he ultimately does just that and then we have resolution and move on. He has never before been held accountable for his actions and how they affect other people. He is very immature in some ways.

 

Who knows if it will work long term. It is working for now, for reasons I discussed in my last post...but can that work forever? I am afraid for it to end right now. I am not ready.

[carhill]

I may have further thoughts later but one which did come to mind while reading your post was the concept of layers; how we have psychological 'layers' of emotion and how our genetics and socialization define both those layers and how they relate to each other and ultimately to the outside world.

 

Think about one instance where a relatively innocuous word or action stirred up deep emotions in yourself; emotions which, superficially, seem completely out of proportion to the reality of the situation. That's the layering I'm talking about. We each process that differently. Some people have few if any barriers to those layers. I'm more like that. Others have nearly impenetrable dividers, where the outside world seldom perceives the deepest layers of emotion. They're buried. The person interacts both with themselves and with the outside world on the higher, more superficial layers. I'm not saying either way is wrong or bad. It's just an attempt to explain differing psychologies of emotional makeup, handling and expression.

 

If we accept emotional styles, however defined, as constant, we can necessarily accept that how those styles translate into behavior, the interpretation by the intellect of the feeling and how the intellect expresses it through words and actions, to be malleable, changeable, and evolutionary. Think about how you handle emotion now versus ten years ago; twenty years ago. You see the difference, right? That's what I'm talking about.

 

IMO, as long as the connection is there and the trust isn't irreparably damaged, it's worth a shot. IME, such dynamics are few and far between and, regardless, even if the 'work' and resultant clarity end the relationship, you and he will carry those positive steps forward in life.

[Meaplus3]

Hi Apple, Well you know the couples therapy your engaing in is a great start. I'd stick with that for a while and see where it takes you. Perhaps it will allow your BF to be more open with his feelings.. and this will allow for better communication between the two of you. At this point it's worth a try, and if it does not work then you can look back with no regrets knowing you tired everything possible to make it work. Best of luck.

 

Mea:)