Bulbie Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 This summer my old friend ditched me. I was his carer, and received a state benefit for doing this, to meet the costs I incurred whilst caring for him. Issue is he has these two girls, they're sisters, that he calls his best friends. They started coming over unannounced more and more, and started criticizing the way I do my job, and doing it for me without my permission then telling me in lovely roundabout ways that this is stuff I should be doing. So this summer I got fed up with this and told my friend I would need to seek legal advice on the matter since it was a benefit I was claiming and I didn't want either of us to get into trouble. He took it badly, I guess assuming I was going to take him to court just for having friends. Tried to explain why, even told him a few times that I really don't want to argue with him but I'd like him to try and see things from my point of view. But it descended into an ugly argument anyway. We wound up with him saying I had to pick up all my stuff by a certain date or else it would go in the bin. I picked it up the night before he was expecting me, totally catching him off guard. I think he was planning on inviting that pair round, thinking I'd come to get my stuff alone. So he didn't like being caught unawares. We haven't spoken since last summer, end of July. I gave it a few weeks to cool down then I tried to explain how I felt back then and what my motives were and how I felt at the time of writing the mail. He ignores every olive branch I send out, so now I'm tending not to bother. But I still send the odd message when I know I'm going to be in his area. Just something like I'm going to be here at this time, you're welcome to join us. Nothing personal. He ignores EVERYTHING, which I take for him to mean that he is not yet ready to talk to me. BUT here's the twist. My friend that I live with and I play an MMORPG which he is also part of. Again, he ignores me in game, but the guy I live with, he will talk to HIM in game, and every time he asks me how I'm doing, he doesn't see me online much anymore, all the usual I want to know how she is and that she's ok kind of stuff. This tells me that he DOES still care. Yet I'm possibly going to be in his area this week, sent the usual mail out. Ignored it again, declined my request to be friends on FB at least three times today. So if he still cares, why does he keep trying to find out how I am? Yet ignores any attempt from me to talk things out? We've been friends for nearly 7 years, which is too much to just throw away over some stupid misunderstanding, but I'm getting serious mixed messages. What's going on? I know I'm probably pushing him further away by telling him when I'm going to be in his area, but I don't want him to think I'm done with the relationship and that I just don't care either.
stillafool Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You haven't done anything wrong. I would just ignore him if I were you. Don't chase him. After he sees that you have moved on then perhaps he will approach you. If not, he was never a true friend anyway.
Author Bulbie Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 That's a very good reply, and thanks for taking the time to make it. Would just like help trying to decipher why he is asking my friend all about me and how I am, yet he will ignore me when I try to reconcile directly? I don't want my friend playing piggy in the middle, and he knows this. But every time he talks to him he is involving him.
Ronni_W Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I don't want my friend playing piggy in the middle, Then ask you friend to STOP doing that -- your friend has the power to change his role. Ask your friend to please tell the guy to stop asking him about you. Ask you friend to stop talking to the guy about you, and to just keep telling the guy to contact you directly. And ask your friend to stop telling you when the other guys asks him about you. Only the other guy can answer questions about why he's been acting and doing the way he has. Ask your roommate to stop what he has been doing because it is not helping you to have the chance to resolve the issue with the other guy.
Author Bulbie Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 My friend DOES tell my other friend to stop contacting. He DOES tell him to contact me directly if he doesn't want to know. He DOES just ignore him and none of this works. The guy keeps contacting him by some means. Though he hasn't got the balls to just call the house and ask for me. So my flatmate isn't doing anything wrong. stillafool, no, my old friend and I are not romantically involved. We've just been friends for a long time, and I think that's too long a time to just throw away without even trying. Though I will concede this old friend has always had feelings for me so it's very likely he's used me getting together with a mutual friend of ours as an excuse to bail. Even though he encouraged me to do it (I liked the guy but really wasn't sure if I should).
O'Malley Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) I can sympathize, as I was involved in a similar situation about a decade ago. You've offered an olive branch, and there's little else you can do but disengage, stop contacting him and have your other friend not mention him at all. There's no way to determine what his mindset is. Perhaps he felt you were criticizing his judgment in friendships (with these two women). Possibly he viewed it as overreaching in your role as caregiver. Not that your intent was either, but that he may have misinterpreted it that way. It may be a buildup from other aspects of your friendship (his attraction to you). But as he won't discuss his reasons for being upset it's futile for you to keep banging your head against the wall to get through to him. Unfortunately, there's no set in stone way to revive a friendship, nor is there a guide to determining when it's time to let a friendship fade. It's more about letting your expectations of a long standing friendship go and accepting that the dynamic of your relationship with him has changed. Edited January 19, 2010 by O'Malley
Boundary Problem Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I'm not clear on the dynamic of your relationship with this guy. Did he encourage to date another guy? That tells me he isn't interested in you. I have yet to see a guy who wants to just be friends with a woman (aside from my gay "in the closet" ex husband. He loves being friends with women. So sounds like your guy has exited the building and that is why he is ignoring you. There is a slim chance (very slim) he is having problems. But if he isn't attracted to you, I don't see him totally opening up about his problems. Men tend not to talk about their problems unless they really don't feel they have an alternative. It is the fact that he encouraged you to date someone else that is the clue to his current mindset - but let's face it - we are guessing, because he isn't communicating. But silence from men is never good.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Losing a friendship can feel like breaking up in a romantic relationship. It hurts. I think some of the same principles apply to ending a friendship as well. What I see is you keep making yourself available, sending olive branch emails, and getting hurt over it. Just as NC is popular on LS with romantic relationships, I think it should be used here as well. If the guy wants to talk to you he will. Right now you kind of look like a doormat. I know it will hurt if your friend of 7 years goes "poof," I've been there recently myself. What I learned through my ordeal was it wasn't my friendship necessarily that this girl was seeking, but all my attention. I honestly think she enjoyed me extending olive branches way more than actually being a friend. Friendships are a two way street. You are not required to give and give and get nothing in return. Don't forget that! If you guy friend doesn't want to give something back, then the road is a dead end in my opinion.
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