RedDevil66 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Like the good old Ross and Rachel from Friends episode, Ross slept with someone else because he thought Rachel wanted to break up when she said she wanted only a break. I once had a bad fight with an ex and told him it was over, but it was said out of anger and he knew it, but he still went out within days and has sex with a girl he worked with. Told me he thought we were over so he had the right? What should the rules be during a break? And are there really breaks or are they break ups? (I don't mean cooling off periods of a few days)
bananaboat11 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 If a man or a woman is going to play THAT game where you break up with your s/o / dumpee JUST to get them back... and use your ability to break up with them as leverage... I'm sorry, but YOU do not deserve THEM. That's cruel and repulsive. You as an individual need to rethink how you approach a relationship. You just can't **** around with someone's emotions... and head.
Author RedDevil66 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Ok, not sure what you mean by breaking up with them just to get them back? Need an explainations here
sunrae Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 What should the rules be during a break? And are there really breaks or are they break ups? (I don't mean cooling off periods of a few days) I guess the best way to answer this is to make yourself perfectly CLEAR to the other person, what you are wanting..... If you are wanting a "break" and not a "break-up", then make it clear you are just wanting some time, and have no intention on seeing anyone else, and ask them to do the same, but give them a resonable time frame as to when you should be ready to re-visit the issue... I think the problem is most people dont communicate... Some people see a "break" as just that, some time apart... Some people take a "break" as a break-up, just someone letting the other person down easy... Next time- someone tells me they need a "break", I'm going to be sure to make sure I ask, what they mean and what their deffinition is.... But I also agree with B.B11... it shouldnt be used to play with people's emotions... What comes goes around, comes around...
bananaboat11 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I feel no sympathy for someone who is going to break up with their partner knowing full well their intentions are to get the person back and are merely doing it for leverage in the relationship or to mess with your partners head. Is that more clear? You shouldn't be in a relationship 'just because'... it's people like you (man or woman) that can destroy one's view/concept of an idealistic relationship. So many people fall into and out of infatuation that they have a skewed version of what a companionship truly is because of people like you. He ****ed someone else... you dumped him. He rebounded. I am not one to advise for rebounds as I'm against them, but to each his own... you cannot be angry with him. You CLEARLY broke up with him (even if it wasn't your intent - the WORDS CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH). How else should he take it? Breaking up with someone hurts. I know first hand.. we all do.... clearly, you do not. Good luck.
Author RedDevil66 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I guess the best way to answer this is to make yourself perfectly CLEAR to the other person, what you are wanting..... If you are wanting a "break" and not a "break-up", then make it clear you are just wanting some time, and have no intention on seeing anyone else, and ask them to do the same, but give them a resonable time frame as to when you should be ready to re-visit the issue... I think the problem is most people dont communicate... Some people see a "break" as just that, some time apart... Some people take a "break" as a break-up, just someone letting the other person down easy... Next time- someone tells me they need a "break", I'm going to be sure to make sure I ask, what they mean and what their deffinition is.... But I also agree with B.B11... it shouldnt be used to play with people's emotions... What comes goes around, comes around... I agree, terms need to be defined and there is lack of commucations
Author RedDevil66 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I feel no sympathy for someone who is going to break up with their partner knowing full well their intentions are to get the person back and are merely doing it for leverage in the relationship or to mess with your partners head. Is that more clear? You shouldn't be in a relationship 'just because'... it's people like you (man or woman) that can destroy one's view/concept of an idealistic relationship. So many people fall into and out of infatuation that they have a skewed version of what a companionship truly is because of people like you. He ****ed someone else... you dumped him. He rebounded. I am not one to advise for rebounds as I'm against them, but to each his own... you cannot be angry with him. You CLEARLY broke up with him (even if it wasn't your intent - the WORDS CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH). How else should he take it? Breaking up with someone hurts. I know first hand.. we all do.... clearly, you do not. Good luck. I agree, no one should play with anyone. Which I never did by the way When people fight they stay stupid sh*t, and when I did this at the time, I really wanted it to end cause I was mad, so he was ticked and went out 2 night later and got laid. Sure he was allowed, but it's a messed way to get over pain (I think) I am also talking about this situation in general and not my experience. Was just thinking about it cause I saw that Friends episode last weekend.
Beeotch Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 (edited) Like the good old Ross and Rachel from Friends episode, Ross slept with someone else because he thought Rachel wanted to break up when she said she wanted only a break. I once had a bad fight with an ex and told him it was over, but it was said out of anger and he knew it, but he still went out within days and has sex with a girl he worked with. Told me he thought we were over so he had the right? What should the rules be during a break? And are there really breaks or are they break ups? (I don't mean cooling off periods of a few days) Breaks and break ups are essentially the same thing. The only difference is that "breaks" leave more room for confusion, anger and hurt. A break should mean the person is free to do as they wish, but in reality the other person does not want this, they expect the person to behave as if they are still together. It is a very blurry, sticky area that should be avoided IMO. The rules are: discuss your relationship. Discuss what you want. Do you want to date others? Is it over? How does each person feel? If you are sure that at some point you want to be together again, then I suggest as individuals you decide NOT to do things to jeopardize a future with your s/o. If you aren't sure....call it a break up and then become BLIND to each other's lives. The fact is, whether or not you both agree to see others or one person does, possessiveness, jealousy and hurt are going to factor in. It is UNAVOIDABLE! All you can do is make an effort not to follow up on that person's life...and I guess No Contact does that. If you check up on them you will perhaps inevitably hear or see something that will make you upset, and usually it will be irrational. Edited January 18, 2010 by Beeotch
richardcruz Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 He ****ed someone else... you dumped him. He rebounded. I am not one to advise for rebounds as I'm against them, but to each his own... you cannot be angry with him. You CLEARLY broke up with him (even if it wasn't your intent - the WORDS CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH). How else should he take it? Breaking up with someone hurts. I know first hand.. we all do.... clearly, you do not. Good luck. Banana nailed it. I'm personally going through a situation similar to this and it frustrates me to no end. My GF leaves me on a two weeks before xmas. She says she doesn't think it's going to work between her and I. Obviously I was heartbroken. A week or so passes and I start talking (not screwing) with some other girl. The texts we send back and forth are flirtacious. I end up texting my some days because I miss her. She says she feels the same. We hang out on christmas. On christmas day she looks through my phone and finds the txts. She accuses me of cheating on her and tells me its over. This is my situation. Now here is the problem. What did she expect me to do when she dumped me? Was I supposed to stay home under my covers? I learned that this technique doesn't work a few years ago. A guy is going to go out and try to network with females whether it's just to talk to them as a self esteem booster or screw them (depending on the guy of course). If you walk away from someone your intentions should be clear. If you two start talking again, your intentions should be very clear as well. Otherwise things can turn into a big mess and will cause more hurt and pain.
sunrae Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 If you walk away from someone your intentions should be clear. If you two start talking again, your intentions should be very clear as well. Otherwise things can turn into a big mess and will cause more hurt and pain. I agree 100%, sadly it seems that communication has gone down the drain. Usually the dumper doent want to talk about it any further than "i need a break" and the dumpee is so baffled by this (like I was) kind of blind sided, at that time of "the talk" we dont know what to say, all I could say was "ok"....
Author RedDevil66 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Banana nailed it. I'm personally going through a situation similar to this and it frustrates me to no end. My GF leaves me on a two weeks before xmas. She says she doesn't think it's going to work between her and I. Obviously I was heartbroken. A week or so passes and I start talking (not screwing) with some other girl. The texts we send back and forth are flirtacious. I end up texting my some days because I miss her. She says she feels the same. We hang out on christmas. On christmas day she looks through my phone and finds the txts. She accuses me of cheating on her and tells me its over. This is my situation. Now here is the problem. What did she expect me to do when she dumped me? Was I supposed to stay home under my covers? I learned that this technique doesn't work a few years ago. A guy is going to go out and try to network with females whether it's just to talk to them as a self esteem booster or screw them (depending on the guy of course). If you walk away from someone your intentions should be clear. If you two start talking again, your intentions should be very clear as well. Otherwise things can turn into a big mess and will cause more hurt and pain. well if she dumped you, she has no right to tell you what to do, but I can say this, it's a turn off and a red flag to women when men try to hook up with another women days after a break up. But I think men normally sooth their broken hearts with the attention of other women. If women did it, they are sl*uts, when men do it, they are just being men. See how that can be a total turn off
alphamale Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 What should the rules be during a break? And are there really breaks or are they break ups? (I don't mean cooling off periods of a few days) a "break" is the same as a "break up"...anything goes
richardcruz Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 well if she dumped you, she has no right to tell you what to do, but I can say this, it's a turn off and a red flag to women when men try to hook up with another women days after a break up. But I think men normally sooth their broken hearts with the attention of other women. If women did it, they are sl*uts, when men do it, they are just being men. See how that can be a total turn off Maybe my post did come off a bit sexist, so let me clarify things. In my first post, I said "what is a GUY to do" and "a GUY is going to go out and network," when in reality the word GUY is truly interchangeable with PERSON, regardless of their sexual orientation. Honestly Red if I broke it off with a girl and I realized that the reason wasn't worth leaving the relationship only to find out that she was talking to someone, I'd probably kick myself in the ass for leaving before I'd thinking to myself that she was a slut. After all, I did set her free so what would I expect her to do. She's obviously going to want to her mind of the situation. I'd probably internalize the reason why I left her in the first place and think to myself if those reasons are worth "throwing her back into the sea" only for someone else to "catch her." Technically, I think we all agree that a break is a breakup and you are free to do what you want. However, I think the red flag really goes up if she did in fact have sex with the person she just started talking to. You would find this out by conversation and communication (something I wish my ex would have done with me). But if you leave someone and the person just starts to talk (and only talk) to someone, could he really call him/her a slut for that? Maybe the red flag is dependent on the action that actually took place even though the person was technically in their right to do what they want? Too many times I believe we get hurt by the people that we are in relationships with and we start to misdirect our frustration to a whole gender. I do acknowledge that it is more acceptable our society for a man to be promiscuous than a woman. However I do not adopt this view personally. I have both male and female friends that are whores. All of us that are heartbroken are in the same boat. I feel for all my fellow LSers that are going through the pain of losing that person in your life. I don't believe one gender tends to be more confused more than the other just like I don't believe one is more responsible for breakups than the other. Love is confusing... period.
LovelyDaze Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I fully agree with most of you all, a break and a break up is like two different brands of toilet tissue: there seems to be a difference but at the end of the day, it eventually does the same job. A break is masqueraded as a "trial seperation." Does no good and usually ends with a finale of the whole relationship. When someone tells you this, just let them go and live your life because that person is trying to kindly leave you period.
HLP234 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I don't believe there is any difference. A break like many said is too confusing. You tell someone you want space/time/break/whatever..that person then asks and you say you don't want to talk about the situation. This leaves the person you want a break from confused and hurt. I believe if you are going to play the break game, you are fully responsible for coming back and letting your partner know what you are planning to do, after the time has run out. My girlfriend wanted a break, never discussed anything about it when I asked, because she said she wanted time alone..just that. I asked how long and she got mad, saying she didn't know what she wanted and wanted to see if we work out. Although we had been fine for months. If I kept asking she would threaten to put a time frame on it. What a rude thing to say? She would get mad if I didn't reply right away to her texts, even though she wanted space, accusing me of not wanting her. I fell in the trap and played along. This gives the person the right to go an do whatever they want, without worrying about what you think, even though you are hurt as hell. She left, without saying **** to me..hell I was the last one to find out, and not even a month goes by and she is with someone else. So to me, I will never do a break again, if someone wants that, I don't care how nice you are, you tell them "Alright I will give you a week or two, then you let me know." That is where I messed up and she just went on without even getting back to me..really screwed up. All it is, is screwing around with someone's emotions yet the one who wants the break doesn't see that because it is in their favor.
DenverBachelor Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Breaking up / take a break / need space / need time / separate / go to my mother's / go to your mother's / see other people / take a step back / etc. They all mean the same thing -- the relationship is falling apart. The only difference is how long the process is going to be dragged out.
Author RedDevil66 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Maybe my post did come off a bit sexist, so let me clarify things. In my first post, I said "what is a GUY to do" and "a GUY is going to go out and network," when in reality the word GUY is truly interchangeable with PERSON, regardless of their sexual orientation. Honestly Red if I broke it off with a girl and I realized that the reason wasn't worth leaving the relationship only to find out that she was talking to someone, I'd probably kick myself in the ass for leaving before I'd thinking to myself that she was a slut. After all, I did set her free so what would I expect her to do. She's obviously going to want to her mind of the situation. I'd probably internalize the reason why I left her in the first place and think to myself if those reasons are worth "throwing her back into the sea" only for someone else to "catch her." Technically, I think we all agree that a break is a breakup and you are free to do what you want. However, I think the red flag really goes up if she did in fact have sex with the person she just started talking to. You would find this out by conversation and communication (something I wish my ex would have done with me). But if you leave someone and the person just starts to talk (and only talk) to someone, could he really call him/her a slut for that? Maybe the red flag is dependent on the action that actually took place even though the person was technically in their right to do what they want? Too many times I believe we get hurt by the people that we are in relationships with and we start to misdirect our frustration to a whole gender. I do acknowledge that it is more acceptable our society for a man to be promiscuous than a woman. However I do not adopt this view personally. I have both male and female friends that are whores. All of us that are heartbroken are in the same boat. I feel for all my fellow LSers that are going through the pain of losing that person in your life. I don't believe one gender tends to be more confused more than the other just like I don't believe one is more responsible for breakups than the other. Love is confusing... period. thanks for clarifying. Great post and I totally agree I left me BF 2 yrs ago (He was verbally abusive one night) and I had had it. Well when we got back together 2 months later, he told me he did have sex with someone. Of course I was hurt, but I later found out it took him 24 hrs to contact her and 2 weeks to have sex with her But here's the kicker, he tells me, had I had sex with another guy, he probably would not have been able to get back together with me And this is a professional dude in his mid 40's.
Author RedDevil66 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 I don't believe there is any difference. A break like many said is too confusing. You tell someone you want space/time/break/whatever..that person then asks and you say you don't want to talk about the situation. This leaves the person you want a break from confused and hurt. I believe if you are going to play the break game, you are fully responsible for coming back and letting your partner know what you are planning to do, after the time has run out. My girlfriend wanted a break, never discussed anything about it when I asked, because she said she wanted time alone..just that. I asked how long and she got mad, saying she didn't know what she wanted and wanted to see if we work out. Although we had been fine for months. If I kept asking she would threaten to put a time frame on it. What a rude thing to say? She would get mad if I didn't reply right away to her texts, even though she wanted space, accusing me of not wanting her. I fell in the trap and played along. This gives the person the right to go an do whatever they want, without worrying about what you think, even though you are hurt as hell. She left, without saying **** to me..hell I was the last one to find out, and not even a month goes by and she is with someone else. So to me, I will never do a break again, if someone wants that, I don't care how nice you are, you tell them "Alright I will give you a week or two, then you let me know." That is where I messed up and she just went on without even getting back to me..really screwed up. All it is, is screwing around with someone's emotions yet the one who wants the break doesn't see that because it is in their favor. You see, I asked because my BF asked for a "break" or as he called it "Time to think" after a fight we had. We've had some issues with his sobriety (he's been sober and in AA for a long time) and we are trying hard to work on us. But when he asked for a break, I asked how long and he did the same thing and said "I don't know" I gave him two weeks and called him and said "break is over, I'm leaving" He panicked and said "Ok, break is over, he's ready to commit 100%" and the break had nothing to do with anyone else, but to work on his AA program alone. I get time to cool off, but this break biz to me means Buh Bye!
HLP234 Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Yeh and I tried to forget during the break and cool off but she would always accuse me of acting different, not being myself..which I dunno what the hell that meant because I never changed anything. Either way, I know her too well and I'm not sure what response I would have gotten if I said, break is done I'm leaving, but it most likely would have ended in her being mad at me and accusing me of not waiting..which she already did when I would bring the conversation up, many times during the break. It depends if the other person is talking or has someone else, that is why they may or may not agree to work things out if you tell them you are done and don't want it anymore. Although I'm still hurting over it and will be for a while, at least I learned something and got to see what she is really like, full with problems that I would not solve without her commitment as well.
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