Devistated by "not in love with you anymore..."

[jrmountains]

I met my fiancé two years ago. We have had an amazing relationship. We travel, have a house, good jobs, financial stability. We have common interests, both do housework/chores, etc. She tells me (even now) that I am the perfect guy, AND the perfect guy for her. I hit everything on "her list."

 

Our one issue has been that we are lighter in the physical intimacy area than I would like. I have tried to talk about it, tried to just accept it, tried to be ultra romantic and to help create a better mood. She says she has no idea why, but blamed it on birth control She swapped, swapped again, and eventually just stopped BC (which led to almost no physical intimacy).

 

I accepted that. I RARELY (if ever) bring it up. She makes me BEYOND happy in every other way.

 

She says she can't imagine herself living without me (she USED to say she "could never live without me"). I felt like I was reading too deep into the subtle difference until last night.

 

She told me last night that she is unhappy. She doesn't know why, and she thinks it is her (not me). She says that she had similar feelings in a prior relationship, and could never get over them -- it eventually ended. I felt (and still feel) like my world has fallen out of the sky...

 

She says she loves me more than anything, and can't imagine ever loving anyone this much. I asked if she was still "in love," and she said no. I now know she has considered moving out, and I have hit an emotional low. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I love this woman more than anything in this world, and while I fully understand that I should probably be prepared to accept loss, I am not ready to.

 

If I thought for an instant that she would be happier with someone else, or that it was me, I would tell her to pursue that happiness, but I am 100% sure she has something going on internally. She has told me of other life experiences, accomplishments, relationships, etc where she went into something extremely motivated and excited that the outcome may make her happy. Once she got to the end, she was disappointed that she wasn't as happy as she thought she would be.

 

She is scared that some of the goals & aspirations in our future will end the same way.

 

It is my understanding that she is going to finally go see a therapist to see if her overall unhappiness is related to something other than her life & situation. I am going to do the same.

 

I have experienced significant loss in a relationship before (decade long) relationship. I am not ready for this…

[ginyi1111]

It sounds like what she meant by not in love with you is that the initial euphoric feeling of falling in love with you has worn off and she has mistaken that with being unhappy with you.

 

It's good that she recognized that she has a problem and going to see a therapist about it. As long as you stand by her I'm sure she will be able to see you're just not another guy to her.

 

Good luck to the both of you!

[mem11363]

You are too clingy/too nice/too loving/not challenging enough.

 

Tres Leches is a great desert. A steady diet of it will make anyone sick over time.

 

MOST women are not able to utter the following statement:

I NEED you to be willing to have conflict with me, to tell me in a firm and if needed tough manner when I am being a biatch. I NEED you to take a physically powerful posture when we connect sexually - hold me down - take CONTROL. Be a MAN in the truest rawest sense of the word. This doesn't mean to pressure me when I don't want to - but when I do - SHOW me what you are made of. Stop kissing my a$$ when I am pulling away from you. Show the strength to say - hey maybe we need to take a break - maybe we should date other people if you are not sure you want to be with me.

 

Her lack of sexual desire for you is almost certainly about your lack of willingness to have conflict/be assertive with HER. And she is behaving like almost any woman will over time. They can tolerate too nice for a short time and then their desire begins to fade.

 

The strongest men quickly start to deprioritize women who are not treating them well. The men are still kind and fun and playful. They simply become less available and less willing to do extra/above and beyond stuff. They start spending more time with other people/friends at first and eventually mixed groups where they are available to other women.

 

 

 

I met my fiancé two years ago. We have had an amazing relationship. We travel, have a house, good jobs, financial stability. We have common interests, both do housework/chores, etc. She tells me (even now) that I am the perfect guy, AND the perfect guy for her. I hit everything on "her list."

 

Our one issue has been that we are lighter in the physical intimacy area than I would like. I have tried to talk about it, tried to just accept it, tried to be ultra romantic and to help create a better mood. She says she has no idea why, but blamed it on birth control She swapped, swapped again, and eventually just stopped BC (which led to almost no physical intimacy).

 

I accepted that. I RARELY (if ever) bring it up. She makes me BEYOND happy in every other way.

 

She says she can't imagine herself living without me (she USED to say she "could never live without me"). I felt like I was reading too deep into the subtle difference until last night.

 

She told me last night that she is unhappy. She doesn't know why, and she thinks it is her (not me). She says that she had similar feelings in a prior relationship, and could never get over them -- it eventually ended. I felt (and still feel) like my world has fallen out of the sky...

 

She says she loves me more than anything, and can't imagine ever loving anyone this much. I asked if she was still "in love," and she said no. I now know she has considered moving out, and I have hit an emotional low. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I love this woman more than anything in this world, and while I fully understand that I should probably be prepared to accept loss, I am not ready to.

 

If I thought for an instant that she would be happier with someone else, or that it was me, I would tell her to pursue that happiness, but I am 100% sure she has something going on internally. She has told me of other life experiences, accomplishments, relationships, etc where she went into something extremely motivated and excited that the outcome may make her happy. Once she got to the end, she was disappointed that she wasn't as happy as she thought she would be.

 

She is scared that some of the goals & aspirations in our future will end the same way.

 

It is my understanding that she is going to finally go see a therapist to see if her overall unhappiness is related to something other than her life & situation. I am going to do the same.

 

I have experienced significant loss in a relationship before (decade long) relationship. I am not ready for this…

[jrmountains]

Mem could have a point, but you are what you are. A nice guy can't just suddenly start treating his woman mean. It just doesn't work. Sounds like though that you could do with a bit of a break no matter how hard it may be. Maybe go stay with a friend for a few days, give her some space too.

 

I actually just got back from being gone for 3 days. I definitely agree that I am too nice. I do a lot around the house, and a lot of "go-fer" whenever she asks.

 

I guess I need to push back a little?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It take roughly 18 months to two years for infatuation to fade. When it does, it either deepens into a bond of love or it doesn't. When it doesn't, it is time to move on. It sounds like she is realizing that she will not be able to reach that bond with you.

[adamt]

i can relate to this thread. prior to going out with me, the ex had only had relationships for 2 years. we lasted 3 years but things did seem to change a few months after 2 years. she wanted to get a house but then she started changing and seemed to trying to create conflict. women seem very emotional creatures and things build from a seed of doubt. still hard to get my head around the whole thing 8 months on. once the honey moon period is over then thats when you see if it is going to last. maybe my ex woke up one days and jsut didnt fancy getting a house with me. she is 36 and never lived with anyone and seems to like to be independent.

 

All you can do is give her space and look as if you are getting on with your life and hope that she releases she wants you when she sees that she is losing you. dont go begging..etc its going to be a tough few months but keep yourself occupied. i use the gym,dvds, out with mates and bought a ps3 to occupy my time

[mem11363]

You need to get/read and then follow through on one of those books that addresses nice guy syndrome. This will help you to learn to be assertive - learn to keep a certain amount of emotional space in a relationship.

 

AFTER you learn to be assertive and so forth THEN read "mating in captivity" which will teach you how to keep a HIGH level of passion in a long term relationship. Hey women like sex too - but NOT if you are too nice or you emotionally crowd them.

 

 

 

I actually just got back from being gone for 3 days. I definitely agree that I am too nice. I do a lot around the house, and a lot of "go-fer" whenever she asks.

 

I guess I need to push back a little?

[RedDevil66]

There are people who get bored easily. It's a form of adult ADD believe it or not.

Not saying she has ADD, but there are people who just need constant emotional stimulation.

She's not content with just being content.

 

And not being in love anymore is so silly. She went from being in love to love and it's not exciting for her.

Unconditional love is WAY stronger than the in love emotions.

 

I agree, stop being "there" for her. If she is a person that always needs that "high" then your relationship will ALWAYS been a struggle of your worrying if you're doing this or that correct.

 

I know your pain, all you can do is take care of YOU right now

[jrmountains]

I think things are getting worse. She has since told me that she is stuck in the dilemma as to whether or not she is with me because she wants to be (because she loves me), or because she is just afraid of hurting me. We were physically intimate once, and she even made a joke later about "just waiting for it to be over." We had another blow up this weekend, and I basically told her to leave. We talked through that one and she says "this week is going to be great, I can feel it," but I don't feel the same. I want this woman -- but I want the old one.

 

I firmly believe that she doesn't realize that relationships reach a point that they are more than warm/fuzzy/giddy feelings. She is looking for this relationship to make her feel that way again. We have an AMAZING balance in every other way (financial, chores, responsibility, communication, doing things for each other, dating, and goals).

 

I realize what we have (or more specifically, what we HAD before the physical intimacy stopped). I want it back. I am afraid I will never find a more thoughtful, sweet, caring, contributing partner. On the flip side, I am on the edge of “cutting ties.” My self-preservation mode is starting to kick in, and it is telling me to protect myself & my emotions – now.

 

I WANT her. I WANT this to work, I WANT to have a family with this woman.

 

I don’t think she wants the same thing anymore.

[Joe Normal]

You should be happy, not devastated. Now you are away from someone who you would have gotten long-term heartbreak and divorce with, and are free to find someone who loves you as much as you love them. You have avoided far more future pain and have a shot at a lot more happiness.

[HLP234]

I know you want it to work but sometimes if the other person sees things differently, than you can't work with them. Their mind will not change. They get bored for the same reasons other people here stated..most of the time its because they are young.

 

My ex was similar, didn't know what she wanted, never said she didn't love me anymore, she told me she still loved me when we were on our break. But in any case, NC is good and you need to implement it. Once they say these kind of words, they have pretty much checked out.

[Woggle]

At least she did this before you guys were married and had kids. Then you would have really been up a creek. Men should be glad when a woman shows her true colors before it is too late.