Have I fallen out of love? or was it ever really love?

[lostlady21]

MY boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now. We have an 8 month old daughter and his 5 year old son from a previous sexual relation living with us. I'm 21 and he is 35 with 12 children aside from the one we have together. We met on the internet about 2 years before we actually got together. We had an EXTREMELY insane relationship in the beginning...we fought a lot because he didn't want to change his ways.

 

Mind you, I agreed early on in the relationship when he wanted to make it open...basically knowing he would be having sex with other women anyways..I rather he be honest about it then lie and hurt me..Now you also have to understand he is the first and only man I have ever been with so I'm naive on this whole sex and serious relationship thing. In the beginning he ended up giving me some STDS that he claims he was unaware he had and getting another girl pregnant, now after the STD thing happened..I kind of felt ruined, like why would any other man want me anyways? Our relationship was open both ways but he was the only one that felt the need to take advantage of the opportunity....

 

I moved 10 hours away from my family to be with him, and tried to leave repeatedly...which always ended with him crying and begging me to stay. I look back at the person he was when I met him, and he was a complete jerk.

 

For some reason he has changed so much...but with his positive changes i.e-not sleeping with other women...being nicer...agreeing to move out of state to start a new life...my feelings have changed. Its like I got everything I wanted out of him and its not enough. I just feel ready to move on, and I wonder whether or not I was ever in love with him..or if it was just infatuation of some sort..but I feel bad because he does truly love me with all his heart. I feel like I am lying when I say I love him or he asks me if I'm in love with him...I'm just afraid to admit how I may truly feel. I don't feel the same when we are intimate anymore either..the sparks..just aren't there..and sometimes I cant stand him touching me at all.

 

I am so depressed..have been for the last 2 years and I wonder if this is a side effect of the depression or if its just my true feelings coming to the surface. A big part of me just wants to walk away with my daughter and start my life on my own....I feel like I still hold him responsible for all the screwed up things he has done to me in the past and now that he has decided to change himself so drastically...it may just be too late.

 

What should I do? Do I really love him at all? Or is this a classic case of infatuation and sexual attachment?

 

Please help..I need some unbiased advice here.