I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You

[Philetus]

There are, from my research on the net, many different meanings to this phrase when delivered by one, or both, partners in a relationship. I’m referring to its use as in the book of the same name by Andrew Marshall.

 

He describes this as a relatively new phenomenon. I won’t go into the details as to why he thinks this is happening more now than in the past, but I will if anyone is interested.

 

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you” in this case referrers to one or both partners having a change in their feelings towards the other. What they mean is they love you in a more platonic way. They care for you, have a deep affection for you but they are not romantically in love with you anymore. In many (most?) cases, there are no obvious problems in the marriage. Couples, in essence, have become partners in their homes and families but are living parallel lives emotionally and often have completely separate interests.

 

This is my current situation. My wife loves me but is not in love with me.

 

The purpose of my post is to hear from those who’ve been through this and come out the other side, not those currently in it. Either as the person who heard the speech, or the one who delivered it. I’m trying to find out what was the ultimate outcome in as many cases as possible.

 

In the post please include…

Did you deliver the speech, or did you hear it?

Are you a man or a woman?

How long were you married/together?

Did the other person also feel the same way, or did they/you want to fight for their/your partner?

Did you both try to work things out?

Did you separate during that time?

If yes, what were your ‘ground rules’ of the separation?

Did you ultimately get back together, or split.

How long did this process take?

Finally, if you were the one who fell out of love, do you regret your decision to leave?

 

 

According to Dr. Marshall who wrote the book, my doctor, and the counselor I saw this is a relatively new, but growing phenomenon probably due to the way life is different now than 30 years ago.

 

I think hearing stories from people who’ve lived through this will be helpful to many including myself.

 

Thanks.

[Simon Attwood]

I've always disliked this cliché.

 

To me it means; I've grown out of the immature infatuation that I had, that was based upon narcissistic idealism, childlike fantasy, ignorance and naivety, but i am not yet mature enough, or am not yet able, to love in the mature and true sense of the word.

 

i.e. I've yet to grow up.

[DenverBachelor]

I've always disliked this cliché.

 

To me it means; I've grown out of the immature infatuation that I had, that was based upon narcissistic idealism, childlike fantasy, ignorance and naivety, but i am not yet mature enough, or am not yet able, to love in the mature and true sense of the word.

 

i.e. I've yet to grow up.

 

Hear, hear! Absolutely true.

[reboot]

Most people are too dumb to realize that that "in love" feeling is nothing more than certain chemicals in your brain (oxytocin, testosterone, adrenalin, etc) getting splashed across their brains in extra high doses. Those chemicals in high concentration produce that tingly toed, butterflys in the stomach feeling. You can have these sensations with someone you really love, but you don't have to love someone to have them. Typically once the "new" wears off, so do these feelings. It takes hard work to keep them after that. Most people these days find it much easier to just move on to the next chemical inducer.

 

And to the OP, not to be the bearer of bad tidings, but typically the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech means your SO has lost those tingly feelings for you... and found them again with someone else. Watch your back.

[nobmagnet]

yep sooooooooooooo true.

 

ILYBNILWY is the most annoying phrase in the book. Simon hit the nail on the head.

 

Nobby x

[counterman]

I never did like that statement. Heard it a few times and from the start it was not my favourite statement at all.

 

If she doesn't feel the spark with you then maybe spice things up a little. Do something exciting, something spontaneous, maybe some role playing in sex, whatever. Just something different and new to get that spark again and make her wanting more! Than when the fire starts, keep it on low burn so it lasts long i.e. by having occasional dates together, just the two of you.

 

I'm not in any position to give you advice as I haven't been through this but when I think that my SO (especially my wife) is losing her spark for me, I would try what I just suggested.

[GrayClouds]

It also a sensitive way to express the oh so complicated dynamics that live in the space of the words :

 

"I really want to hit someone else and it would be great it you would sick around in the background in case is does not work like I planed because this other person is some much hotter then you but may to hot for me"

[someotherguy]

I think like any time-worn phrase, it's meaning is highly dependent on the context in which it is spoken, and it's a bit disingenuous to write it off as bitterly as some people have in this thread.

 

I was the one that said those words to my ex-wife. And quite frankly, I don't consider myself shallow or duplicitous.

 

I did not have another woman in the wings. I never cheated on her - she cheated on me.

 

Ultimately those words were all that remained in the cold ashes of my heart at the end of a very long, 18 year road with that woman.

 

She is the mother of my children, and I have many excellent, beautiful, hauntingly wonderful memories with her and us and the kids.

 

However, I knew I would never truly be happy with her again. She had destroyed my trust, my self-worth, my confidence, and crushed my spirit.

 

Asking her to leave so me and the kids could heal was the only option left after years of fruitless work on my part trying to fix something unfix-able...and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

And now, a year and half later, I'm happier than I have been in over a decade, the kids are happier and doing better in school, and she finally realized she needs to go to AA and take her meds.

 

So, I did love her, and part of me always will, but I had stopped being in love with her long ago.

 

So, to answer the poll more succinctly:

 

Did you deliver the speech, or did you hear it?

I delivered it.

 

Are you a man or a woman?

I am a man. 35 years old.

 

How long were you married/together?

Married 15 years.

 

Did the other person also feel the same way, or did they/you want to fight for their/your partner?

She left that afternoon and hasn't come back.

 

Did you both try to work things out?

I had tried to fix it for somewhere between 5 and 10 years to no avail.

 

Did you separate during that time?

Never separated before the 'bomb'.

 

If yes, what were your ‘ground rules’ of the separation?

n/a

 

Did you ultimately get back together, or split.

Divorce is final.

 

How long did this process take?

Over a year.

 

Finally, if you were the one who fell out of love, do you regret your decision to leave?

I have no regrets at all. Seeing my children smile every day is worth every bit of heartache and pain I have ever felt.

[CaliGuy]

I've always disliked this cliché.

 

To me it means; I've grown out of the immature infatuation that I had, that was based upon narcissistic idealism, childlike fantasy, ignorance and naivety, but i am not yet mature enough, or am not yet able, to love in the mature and true sense of the word.

 

i.e. I've yet to grow up.

 

Sometimes it's a cliche, sometimes not.

 

People can and do grow apart. What this means to me is that "You have changed or I have changed and I just don't feel the same way anymore...."

 

In cases like this, for all intents and purposes they have mentally checked out of the relationship. It's not that they think you are a bad person, they just have lost the spark they once had. Once it's gone, it's difficult, if not impossible to get it back.

 

Sorry OP but if this is indeed what your wife has told you, my best suggestion for you is to pick up the pieces of your life as best you can and move on. There isn't anything anyone can do to make someone fall IN LOVE with them again.

 

The best thing you can do is pull the ropes and set sail. I'm really sorry.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Did you deliver the speech, or did you hear it?

2. Are you a man or a woman?

3. How long were you married/together?

4. Did the other person also feel the same way, or did they/you want to fight for their/your partner?

5. Did you both try to work things out?

6. Did you separate during that time?

7. If yes, what were your ‘ground rules’ of the separation?

8. Did you ultimately get back together, or split.

9. How long did this process take?

10. Finally, if you were the one who fell out of love, do you regret your decision to leave?

 

1. Delivered (twice in same relationship, both times I was cheating and he didn't know it)

2. Woman

3. Two years the first time I dropped the ILYBINILWY, and again two years later

4. He wanted to fight for me, and in fact did the first time, tried and failed the second time

5. No, I was cheating with someone else both times and was more interested in being with the new person

6. The first time we separated because I 'needed space' (he did not know I was cheating on him and I wanted more time to be with the new guy)

7. no unexpected calls or visits, no asking my whereabouts, if I wanted to talk to him I would call, otherwise I discouraged him calling me, etc.

8. We got back together - I was not 100% ready to let go and was unsure about the new guy so I got back together with him. He hit me with some nostalgic stuff and I realized I'd miss him if I left.

9. A couple of months

10. Two years later, I cheated again only this time I was 100% ready to go, and I wanted to be with the new guy more than I would miss the old one.

 

I don't regret walking away. He and I would never have been really happy together. It took him longer to realize that though.

[reservoirdog1]

1. Did you deliver the speech, or did you hear it?

2. Are you a man or a woman?

3. How long were you married/together?

4. Did the other person also feel the same way, or did they/you want to fight for their/your partner?

5. Did you both try to work things out?

6. Did you separate during that time?

7. If yes, what were your ‘ground rules’ of the separation?

8. Did you ultimately get back together, or split.

9. How long did this process take?

1. I was the recipient of the speech.

2. Male

3. We'd been married seven years, and had dated for four years before that.

4. I wanted to fight for the marriage because I was still in love with her.

5. We did try for about two months.

6. We kept living together.

7. N/A

8. Ultimately we split up.

9. About three months from the date I got the speech.

[twinklecat]

 

Did you deliver the speech, or did you hear it?

Are you a man or a woman?

How long were you married/together?

Did the other person also feel the same way, or did they/you want to fight for their/your partner?

Did you both try to work things out?

Did you separate during that time?

If yes, what were your ‘ground rules’ of the separation?

Did you ultimately get back together, or split.

How long did this process take?

Finally, if you were the one who fell out of love, do you regret your decision to leave?

 

1) Heard it

2) Woman

3) Together 5 years

4) Was devestated - he was very cold about the whole thing

5) We had a number of talks after the initial speech for a few weeks after, agreed to a possible reconcilliation in the future, then to go back to being cold and angry with me - only discover he was infact with someone else and had been for quite some time

6) Yes, have been since, coming up to 3 months now

7) No real ground rules were set, he was extremely ambigious for the most part

8) Split and it's for good

9) Still lived under the same roof for about 6 weeks after

8) N/A

[DenverBachelor]

Sometimes it's a cliche, sometimes not.

 

People can and do grow apart. What this means to me is that "You have changed or I have changed and I just don't feel the same way anymore...."

 

In cases like this, for all intents and purposes they have mentally checked out of the relationship. It's not that they think you are a bad person, they just have lost the spark they once had. Once it's gone, it's difficult, if not impossible to get it back.

 

Of course the spark goes away eventually -- that "spark" is nothing but a rush of chemicals. All relationships will enter a period where they require "work" and, unfortunately, many of us that are 40 and under have grown up in a fast pace society filled with constant distractions that, all too often, give the false impression that the best things in life never require hard work.

 

Probably more often than not, people bail out of things because that's exactly what our society has taught all of us -- that if things get difficult, it's just easier to abandon the situation and go find something else.

 

The course is one of two things -- either people go from point to point their entire lives or they eventually learn that all those points really aren't that different and that the grass is basically the same color in every field throughout the world.

 

We live in an ADD society filled with technology and distractions and many people have all but forgotten that the best things in life require a lot of hard work to carry through and this includes relationships.

 

I'm sure you've been burnt, Caliguy -- we all have at some point.

[sumdude]

Did you deliver the speech, or did you hear it?

Are you a man or a woman?

How long were you married/together?

Did the other person also feel the same way, or did they/you want to fight for their/your partner?

Did you both try to work things out?

Did you separate during that time?

If yes, what were your ‘ground rules’ of the separation?

Did you ultimately get back together, or split.

How long did this process take?

Finally, if you were the one who fell out of love, do you regret your decision to leave?

 

 

I heard it.

 

A man.

 

Together 7 1/2 years married less than two.

 

I tried, she didn't. She was done and had moved on with the OM.

 

We were already separated when I heard it. She moved out without warning three months before she finally said it.

 

Rules? Heh...all's fair in love and war.

 

We are divorced.

 

Just over six months. The least amount of time necessary to legally divorce after separation without children in the state of Virginia.

 

On a side note. Lucrezia.. thanks for the frank honesty.

[adamt]

i blame some of it on the internet and facebook type stuff. people dont want to settle down until late 30s. the fear of missing out on doing things with friends rather than being at home bringing a young family up. so many distractions. the world is becoming a smaller place with technology(mobille phones,internet,facebook) means people can widen their nets further, temptation is greater and easier to have an affair without the other person knowing. people are more selfish and want time to suf the net, play on consoles,chat to friends online,go to gigs,go out with mates. people are clinging onto their 20s. going on trips and vacations with friends. We live in a disposble society where if something isnt working then move onto or buy something else.

 

its getting the stage where anyone who settles down in their mid 20s will be looked at as being strange.

[Philetus]

Thanks everyone.

 

I have to say that after I read the first few responses, I was going to give up with this thread. I'm not looking for advice, I'm not looking for people to give me their interpretation of "I Love You But..." I was very clear that I was looking for people who've been through this to share their stories. There are precious few of them out there. There are lots of blogs, posts, etc from people who are currently IN the process, but few from those who went through it.

 

Those who've been through this (as I described it) know what it is. As I stated in my OP, this is a relatively new phenomenon most likely because the idea of 'marriage' is fundamentally different than it was a generation ago. Previously, marriage was an institution with men seeking 'good mothers' and women seeking 'good providers'. It was a partnership and love was often secondary. How many of us had (or have) parents who lived in an obviously loveless marriage? I know I did.

 

Today, marriage is different. People look to their partners to supply their emotional needs and if they don't get them, they go elsewhere (OM/OW).

 

This is what I'm talking about. It's not a lame line used to dump someone. It's a horrible process where one partner (or both) figure out that the person they've been living with for all these years no longer meets their needs romantically but often is still their best, closest friend.

 

It's not easy for the spouse that is disaffected (no longer in love) or the one who hears it. It's devastating and in most (many) cases there is no obvious problem with the marriage.

 

To those who've shared their stories, thank you.

 

I would love to hear more.

[Philetus]

I think like any time-worn phrase, it's meaning is highly dependent on the context in which it is spoken, and it's a bit disingenuous to write it off as bitterly as some people have in this thread..

 

Absolutely. These words mean different things to different people. Thank you for telling me your story. It sounds devastating and I'm glad you're in a much better place now.

 

It sounds like your wife's addiction and inability to take her medication was key in your decision to leave. Had she changed previously, do you think you'd still be together?

[Philetus]

Sorry OP but if this is indeed what your wife has told you, my best suggestion for you is to pick up the pieces of your life as best you can and move on. There isn't anything anyone can do to make someone fall IN LOVE with them again.

 

The best thing you can do is pull the ropes and set sail. I'm really sorry.

 

 

I appreciate the spirit of your post but I'm not looking for advice. I have advice up the yin yang.

 

It's been seven weeks that my wife and I have been trying to work things out. Neither one of us is remotely ready to quit. We are growing closer and we're actually having more fun together now than we have in two years or more.

 

Will she fall back in love with me? I'm not sure, and if I were a gambler I'd have difficulty laying odds one way or the other. I do know that she's seeing the best of me, and if she can't love the person I am, it will be easier for me to move on.

[Philetus]

1. Delivered (twice in same relationship, both times I was cheating and he didn't know it)

2. Woman

3. Two years the first time I dropped the ILYBINILWY, and again two years later

4. He wanted to fight for me, and in fact did the first time, tried and failed the second time

5. No, I was cheating with someone else both times and was more interested in being with the new person

6. The first time we separated because I 'needed space' (he did not know I was cheating on him and I wanted more time to be with the new guy)

7. no unexpected calls or visits, no asking my whereabouts, if I wanted to talk to him I would call, otherwise I discouraged him calling me, etc.

8. We got back together - I was not 100% ready to let go and was unsure about the new guy so I got back together with him. He hit me with some nostalgic stuff and I realized I'd miss him if I left.

9. A couple of months

10. Two years later, I cheated again only this time I was 100% ready to go, and I wanted to be with the new guy more than I would miss the old one.

 

I don't regret walking away. He and I would never have been really happy together. It took him longer to realize that though.

 

Thanks for taking the time to post this.

 

When you went back the first time, did your ex change? Or, did you want him to change?

 

Did you have any impediments to separation? Children? Home? Financial concerns?

 

Thanks.

[Philetus]

1. I was the recipient of the speech.

2. Male

3. We'd been married seven years, and had dated for four years before that.

4. I wanted to fight for the marriage because I was still in love with her.

5. We did try for about two months.

6. We kept living together.

7. N/A

8. Ultimately we split up.

9. About three months from the date I got the speech.

 

Thanks again for the post.

 

Did she ask you to change at all? Did you try to address the issues that she had? For example, if she wanted you to spend more time with her, did you do that and stick to it?

 

Were there major impediment to you splitting up? Kids? House? Financial?

 

Thanks.

[Philetus]

1) Heard it

2) Woman

3) Together 5 years

4) Was devestated - he was very cold about the whole thing

5) We had a number of talks after the initial speech for a few weeks after, agreed to a possible reconcilliation in the future, then to go back to being cold and angry with me - only discover he was infact with someone else and had been for quite some time

6) Yes, have been since, coming up to 3 months now

7) No real ground rules were set, he was extremely ambigious for the most part

8) Split and it's for good

9) Still lived under the same roof for about 6 weeks after

8) N/A

 

Sorry for your situation. It's terrible, isn't it? I wish I wasn't able to say that I know how you feel.

 

Did you live together for six weeks because of financial reasons? Did it eventually become too hard to see him and he had to go?

 

Thanks.

[Philetus]

I heard it.

 

A man.

 

Together 7 1/2 years married less than two.

 

I tried, she didn't. She was done and had moved on with the OM.

 

We were already separated when I heard it. She moved out without warning three months before she finally said it.

 

Rules? Heh...all's fair in love and war.

 

We are divorced.

 

Just over six months. The least amount of time necessary to legally divorce after separation without children in the state of Virginia.

 

On a side note. Lucrezia.. thanks for the frank honesty.

 

Thanks for the post. I'm sorry things didn't work out.

 

I don't know how long ago this happened but if you are over her, how long did it take? When did you date again, or have you started?

 

Thanks.

[HeavenOrHell]

ILYBNILWY is a highly annoying phrase. My ex left me twice 9 years ago as he was no longer in love, it seemed to be cos we were in a rut, but he came back and we got out of the rut we were in. When he came back he said he was still in love with me but had told himself he wasn't as it made it easier for him to walk away. Since then he regretted leaving and said many times he couldn't believe he left , that he couldn't live without me and he'll never leave again, he would say this regularly without prompting from me, I felt more secure with him after he came back, (not that I'd ever felt insecure) until last spring when I got the ILYBNILWY speech again, and he left in July. We were together 18 years. I am 43 he is 39. Reasons given were I was so wrapped up in the work I did that I had no time for him (I was, and I did neglect him, I worked evenings and weekends, no time off). But I think there must be other reasons and he tells me it takes two and not to blame myself.

We are still compatible, still get on so well and have a real connection.

I still love him though and still struggling with all this.

I don't think people fall out of love for no reason, I could be wrong of course.

My ex said last year that he didn't feel he was in love with me still but that we'd gone into something deeper.

Yeah right.

I'm still in love with him.

I feel like a discarded pet that a kid has got bored with.

[thepulse27]

'It's a horrible process where one partner (or both) figure out that the person they've been living with for all these years no longer meets their needs romantically but often is still their best, closest friend.'

 

in all this time have you found out why this happens?

It's not easy for the spouse that is disaffected (no longer in love) or the one who hears it. It's devastating and in most (many) cases there is no obvious problem with the marriage.

then what is the problem?

 

I'd be really interested to hear what theories you have about this, because it baffles me.

Do their needs change? and if so why? Or do they stay the same but start to think that their partner has changed, and isn't meeting them anymore?

 

Thinking of this my first impression is to turn it inwards on the dumper, and think there is clearly some emotional issues they need to sort out - you said it yourself there is no obvious problem with the marriage. But I would like to hear more about this as it seems to be becoming more and more common.

 

I'll still take some convincing that it isn't just a selfish, greedy, and impulsive act of self preservation made from some strange grass is greener fixation/fantasy.

[GrayClouds]

She had destroyed my trust, my self-worth, my confidence, and crushed my spirit.

.

 

And you could say that you still love this woman?

 

 

 

As once said by my grandmother that in a committed relationship you fall in and out of love many times. But you stay committed becouse after the first couple of time of falling out of love, you began to look forward to when you will fall back in. Most have lost patients.

 

 

.

Edited January 19, 2010 by GrayClouds