annsumm Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Hi, I am 40 yrs old, divorced with children. I have been dating a 45 yr old, divorced man for 4 months now. He is everything I ever really wanted in a man. He adores me, will do anything for me, my kids like him and they all get along great. I really like him and sometimes feel as though I love him. The physical attraction is there without a doubt and we get along brilliantly, can talk about anything and everything with him, but I feel as though I am holding back somehow and I have no idea why! He has sensed this and has also asked me why. For example, we still only see each other 2 or 3 times a week, by my request. He wants to see me more often and has spoke about maybe going on holiday next year. I am a very logical person and do not tend to trust men easily as I have had a few bad encounters since my divorce. I do trust this guy as I have had no reason not to. The only thing I am not happy with is that he can be a bit obsessive sometimes and seems to want to rush things more than I do. Thanks
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Obsessive is not a good thing...I think that would be another one of my red -flags.... You sound like he makes you happy, though. When you say he is obsessive with you, what are we talking about here??? Does he call you 100 times a day and text you multiple times to see where you are and what you are doing??? You need to clarify this first. You trust him...does it seem like he may not trust you??
BentSpine Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 annsumm, I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that there is not one, there are many. Many more or less suitable men. And sadly, they will probably all have some habit that you'll wish they didn't have. The bad news is that you actively picked all the men that you now claim is the reason you don't trust men. I would look into how you select men and if that process could be improved.
paddington bear Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 2-3 times per week seems reasonable to me - but that of course, depends how long you guys have been seeing each other, if it's for a long time now, maybe he's getting frustrated that it hasn't got more serious. I've had similar feelings (ish) regarding my half lover, half boyfriend in terms of I like him, the sex is good, but I don't think I'm in love, but then, sometimes I think I might be falling etc. etc.. What happened was when I did not return his initial enthusiasm (more like that I am holding part of myself back) and was a bit reserved he told me: 'that's it, I'm not going to bother you any more, if you want to see me, you can call me'. That was his reaction to my not being totally enamoured of him, maybe your guy's reaction is to push for more from you, hence you perceive it as obsessive - he is maybe only reacting in the only way he knows how to the signals you are putting out. Other than that, sometimes I think someone can have everything but we just don't fall for them, we like them, enjoy being with them, have things in common with them, but don't fall head over heels. Perhaps you need a length of time away from him. I've always found that this either makes me realise that I don't miss the person at all, or makes me realise how important they are to me. On the other hand, if that's not the case, as the previous poster said, take note of 'obession' it is a red flag
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Other than that, sometimes I think someone can have everything but we just don't fall for them, we like them, enjoy being with them, have things in common with them, but don't fall head over heels. Perhaps you need a length of time away from him. I've always found that this either makes me realise that I don't miss the person at all, or makes me realise how important they are to me." Love it!!! This is so true.... That is what happen with my last boyfriend....We both tried too hard to have feelings. Feelings, that just weren't there. I think you shouldn't have to work so hard for something that should just come natural. I hate when that happens.....(you meet the perfect person but not the perfect person for you!!!~~~
tami-chan Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 ... I think you shouldn't have to work so hard for something that should just come natural. I hate when that happens.....(you meet the perfect person but not the perfect person for you!!!~~~ I so agree with the above. Go at your own pace....your man will probably flame out...people who are in a hurry usually do...easy come, easy go..
Author annsumm Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 He will text me in the morning 'good morning', then maybe at lunchtime 'how is your day going' then we speak on the phone in the evenings when I am not with him - this I don't mind and feels comfortable. Its the times when he can't get hold of me or when I can't reply to his texts that I get uncomfortable as he will keep on sending them saying things like 'why havn't you replied' or 'hello? remember me?' or he will telephone in the evenings continuously until I pick up - this is what I mean by sometimes 'obsessive'. I do miss him when he is not around but anymore than 24 hours with him and I start to feel a bit suffocated. I have been on my own for two years and sometimes wonder if I got too used to that way. I actually enjoy sleeping on my own for a few nights, I like my own company to read and laze around the house in my tracksuit, doing housework or watching TV alone - it really doesn't bother me. I am just really 50/50 about him. I miss him, he comes to me, I enjoy his company, then I want my own space again - then the cycle begins again. Its so confusing.
Simon Attwood Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 How and when will I know for sure if he is the one? When, and only when, one of you dies in the others arms. Then, and only then, will you know that they are the one.
DustySaltus Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 In most cases holding back would not constitute that person being "the one". I agree that there are many out there for us, not just one. However, when you meet the one of many you will not hold back at all. You won't even think about whether or not this person is for you. And I'm not just saying that you look into someone's eyes, fall in love and everything else is just a fairy tale. I'm saying that you will accept a person for who they are and they will accept you for you. If that can't happen then the relationship is doomed.
littlebittle Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Other than that, sometimes I think someone can have everything but we just don't fall for them, we like them, enjoy being with them, have things in common with them, but don't fall head over heels. Perhaps you need a length of time away from him. I've always found that this either makes me realise that I don't miss the person at all, or makes me realise how important they are to me. i agree with this. i don't trust men easily either. i mean, i don't trust other people easily, period. i felt something different with my ex, but my feelings were sort of obscured by my fears and doubts. it wasn't until we broke up that i realized clearly what my true feelings were. i don't suggest that you break up with him, but if this is a serious issue for you, maybe you need to ask for a little bit of space. as far as knowing if he is the one, i think it's lots of different things. one thing that really struck me about my ex is, when he told me he thought i was beautiful, i believed him more than i had ever believed anyone else. the reason for this is because i felt like he was the first person who had ever seen who i really am.
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