girlie908 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 My story with my ex is a very long and convoluted one. My story is VERY long, so please bear with me. Together for 1.5 years, during that time my mom passed away suddenly, and my ex was very helpful and supportive, although he was lacking in other aspects of the relationship such as maturity and communicativeness. We broke up on my birthday during a long distance part of our relationship on my birthday, but kept in contact throughout that summer, being on and off until school resumed in the fall. We "officially" broke up that fall, and had pretty tumultuous fights. However, we continued our on and off relationship until the next summer, hooking up, etc...however during that time he developed feelings for another girl. I got upset since I still loved him, so I went on a date with someone else since I was hurt and too, wanted to see what was out there. Alas, nothing happens w/ either of us, and somehow we end up living in the same house that summer. We continue hooking up, although I'm pretty sure his feelings are gone. We get into a really bad argument one night, and I move out. We precede not to talk until the fall, where once again, we start hooking up, AGAIN (I know...bad habit) because I still care so much about him and am basically willing to do anything for him. I find out that he is basically trying to text the same girl he liked before, and others, while I'm literally in his bed. I regrettably get really upset and yell at him, cuz even tho we still hook up I feel I should know better that we aren't "together" and that he wants to be with others, even though I feel like I'm being treated like dirt. We are on good and bad terms on and off, hooking up, fighting, not talking, and hooking up again. Fast forward to January 2009. His mom is sick, and I didn't know that. She passes away, and he calls me to go home w/ him. I stay w/ his family (I'm really close to them) and support him, hook up with him, etc...for 2 weeks, almost getting fired for skipping work. He holds my hand, and I try not to think anything of it. TOUGH LUCK cuz obvi I'm still in love w/ the kid. We return to school, and he starts basically ignoring me, telling everyone he hates me and doesn't want to hang around me. I get upset and yell at him, especially when I drink ( I kind of regret it now, cuz I know that he was going through a really hard time, but I mean I felt like he was definitely just using me and not caring about my feelings whatsoever!) We are on and off again bad and good until the end of the school year. In may, I regrettably have a one night stand with the guy I went on a date w/ the year before. This is due to my "alcoholic tendencies" and "binge drinking" this year due to trying to recooperate from my ex's unrequited feelings while keeping me on a string cuz he knows I still care. Totally my fault, cuz I would sometimes turn into the sad and crazy ex, and yell at him when drunk. Bad news bears, I know. Butt I don't drink at all anymore, so good times. At the end of May, I move really far away for med school. Right before I leave, my ex stays w/ me for 5 days, and we hook up and act close (I don't really understand but take it as it is.) He emails me once I arrive at my new place, and then stops altogether. I'm confused, but try to move on. 6 months later, I return home for a wedding, which he is also attended because he's close to my family. Alas, we hook up, AGAIN, and he was supposed to go back to work, but stays w/ me again for 5 days, until I leave and drives me to the airport, saying to keep in touch, etc... All that time however, I find out he was dating a new girl. They were going to become official, but when I came home, he ignored her, then after I left, he broke things off w/ her. For a whole month, we email, aim, video chat, text, etc...I'm trying not to fall too deep again, since I kind of moved on, but all the feelings had rehashed. Then, out of the blue, he stops all contact. I hear from a mutual friend he's bad mouthing me, saying he hates me, etc...I send him an email saying I don't want to hear from him anymore. He sends me one back that despite his harsh feelings, that he wants to be friends. We don't talk for a month. I return home in december for winter break. He has moved 15 mins away from my house and is working w/ my brother. Great. I im him, and we hang out. We hook up, again, and basically spend 3 weeks hanging out, him paying for me when we go out, my food, etc...he brings me to his apt. I tell him I know that we're just hooking up, and he doesn't say anything. He spends my last 3 days w/ me 24/hrs/a day. I leave, and return home to an email from him. We correspond happily for a few days, texting, what not. When all of a sudden he starts a fight w/ me out of no where, about stuff that happened a yearr ago!! He calls me a liar and doesn't believe me when I tell him that I was not contiunously hooking up w/ that guy I hooked up with once (he heard a rumor), saying that I had no right to yell at him for the various girls he hooked up w/ (one being one of my former best friends, whom he hooked up w/ multiple times). HE also yelled at me for not being more supportive when his mom passed, saying he was supportive when mine did. I countered saying that 1) i tried to be, but it's hard when someone doesn't WANT your support and 2) we weren't together at the time, and he was actively seeking new flings even tho he knew i still loved him, so it was hard for me as well. he even completely disrespected me saying "are you dumb?! what is wrong w/ u?" I said sorry multiple times, but he continued saying things to hurt me and I had had enough. I ended the conversation saying that as much as I hated to admit it, he had a part of my heart since all we'd been through, and if he really needed me for support about his mom, I'd be there. He told me we were never friends, and that he would never come to me for support. Okay. Just a day before he was happily texting me about his day at work, and sending me really long emails. Now he's really upset about the past and starting fights. Now that I've seen his totally crazzy side, my view of him has changed. Not to mention the utter disrespect and contempt he showed towards me. I'm done. I think this is what I finally needed to get over this douche who has walked over me for 4 years. I'm just wondering, why is he rehashing the past now? There's no need for us to even be part of each other's lives, let alone fighting! No need for the stress. Why would he pretend to be my friend, say he wants to be friends, then just yelll at me all over again? I'm forgetting to know what real love feels like. =(
madisonlayne Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Because it's become a destructive pattern in your on again/off again relationship. It seems like he's treating you as his "good for now" girl instead of someone he truly cares for. It's emotionally abusive and as long as you continue to give in, you're just going to get more hurt as time passes. I don't think he knows what he wants and that's something you really need to keep in mind. Perhaps you're in love with his potential even though deep down you know that he isn't going to give you the love, respect, and happiness you deserve. It's a cycle only you can break. Real love is out there. It will find you if you're open to it.
GrayClouds Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Not to mention the utter disrespect and contempt he showed towards me. I'm done. You are right he has shown you utter disrespect and contempt but, and I say this with the up most of concern, you have not done much better in showing yourself respect. Yes it ti tme to move beyond this unhealthy relationship. I is also time to do some hard work to understand why you would allow your self to be used and diesrected like this in the name of love. we hook up and act close (I don't really understand but take it as it is.) Good relationships are base upon emotional intimacy where partners work to understand. You deserve better than what you go and what your givening yourself. Be kind to yourself, a better life awaits.
Beeotch Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Because it's become a destructive pattern in your on again/off again relationship. It seems like he's treating you as his "good for now" girl instead of someone he truly cares for. It's emotionally abusive and as long as you continue to give in, you're just going to get more hurt as time passes. I don't think he knows what he wants and that's something you really need to keep in mind. Perhaps you're in love with his potential even though deep down you know that he isn't going to give you the love, respect, and happiness you deserve. It's a cycle only you can break. Real love is out there. It will find you if you're open to it. Agreed...reading that story, it was interesting how every time you spoke of you guys hooking up that you kind of made it seem as though you had no idea how it happened. You have to take responsibility for your actions and not only blame your ex. You keep sleeping with him, you're not saying no, so you are giving him permission to use you. You have to be the one to set your standards and stick to them. This relation ship is not about love, it is a destructive addiction to each other and what you need is a COMPLETE break away from this person to get yourself together and for him to do that as well. This whole game of hooking up and having a dysfunctional-semi-relationship every couple of months is leading nowhere! Yes it is convoluted but you can start somewhere to untie yourself from this mess.Once and for all state your feelings about the situation and decide that you both need time apart to do your own thing then stick to it. It might seem harsh to just leave him alone cold turkey, but clearly you cannot handle being friends or speaking to him occasionally without getting tied up or ending up in bed and in some drama with him...so you just have to swallow it up and leave him alone for good and maybe at some point in the future at a different place you guys can be friends.
Author girlie908 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 hey guys! i just wanna say thanks so much for taking the time to reply and respond to my thread. it really means a lot to me =). I've been on LS a very long time (stumbled upon it 4 yrs..due to the same ex but different issues), and you guys have always told me what I needed to hear although my heart wanted to hear otherwise. I will take all that you have to say to heart. Yes it is true, as much as I like to blame my ex, etc.. etc...I did always give in to him. EVERYTIME. I'd like to think of myself as a strong, smart person, but when it came to him, my mind was all cloudy and my sense of determination and will to stay away from him was particularly low. An addiction, perhaps? Everyone wants to think that their situation is somehow the "different" one, but in the end, life works the same way for everyone. I'm doing a lot better. Going complete no contact for the past 5 days, and will continue to do so. It makes me feel better too, not constantly worrying about him or who he's possibly sleeping with now. I'm not gonna lie, my thoughts still occasionally return to him, but every time it does I try to quiet my mind, and focus on what's most important: myself and my studies. I used to also bring him up a lot in conversations with my friends, but I've decided to stop with that too, because every time I talk about him, of course that leads to thinking about him, and I don't want to be "that girl", forever hung up on the ex who didn't treat her well but was not strong enough to let him go. Please take care everyone. We will all get over this mountain and one day find someone who treats us right, and deserves our love and nothing less.
GrayClouds Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 hey guys! i just wanna say thanks so much for taking the time to reply and respond to my thread. it really means a lot to me =). I've been on LS a very long time (stumbled upon it 4 yrs..due to the same ex but different issues), and you guys have always told me what I needed to hear although my heart wanted to hear otherwise. I will take all that you have to say to heart. Yes it is true, as much as I like to blame my ex, etc.. etc...I did always give in to him. EVERYTIME. I'd like to think of myself as a strong, smart person, but when it came to him, my mind was all cloudy and my sense of determination and will to stay away from him was particularly low. An addiction, perhaps? Everyone wants to think that their situation is somehow the "different" one, but in the end, life works the same way for everyone. I'm doing a lot better. Going complete no contact for the past 5 days, and will continue to do so. It makes me feel better too, not constantly worrying about him or who he's possibly sleeping with now. I'm not gonna lie, my thoughts still occasionally return to him, but every time it does I try to quiet my mind, and focus on what's most important: myself and my studies. I used to also bring him up a lot in conversations with my friends, but I've decided to stop with that too, because every time I talk about him, of course that leads to thinking about him, and I don't want to be "that girl", forever hung up on the ex who didn't treat her well but was not strong enough to let him go. Please take care everyone. We will all get over this mountain and one day find someone who treats us right, and deserves our love and nothing less. Now you are behaving like the smart women we all knew you were. Keep up the good work.
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