Nikki Sahagin Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I've decided my ex is too much of a head-f and that i'm never going to recover if we stay in touch. The point is, as we've been in contact, do I just go NC immediately with no excuse, or do I wean off of him slowly? Do I explain it to him? Or is no explanation necessary? I used to want a friendship with him, now i'm not so sure, but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face if in the future we change and are able to be friends etc. I'm the type of person that likes to be liked. I hate bad feeling. I hate people not liking me and I hate to cause any kind of ripple amongst people, so I have this fear to do so with him though part of me (the revengeful/angry side) would love to. Recommendations?
Dorluv Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 Babe i was really hoping for some answers here because Im in the same boat. He is too much drama and I want to cut it off. I ve tried no contact and it didnt work eithr me called back or he called me and we both jumped to the chance to talk again. So now Im taking it slow, and I see he doesnt notice a bit becaz he himself dont respond as fast to my email as he used to. Nikki io be honest I love still do but i want out. this relationship is killing. cant study, cant eat or sleep without thinking about him and its too toxic. I know guys move on quickly by finding someone else even if they have to force themsleves to like another person. maybe thats the anser who knows? Anyone with the same problem like us who dealt with it. Nikki and I are waiting please . lol
ditched Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 i think that the best way is to just do it. No explanations. No excuses. I'm not saying it's easy. Actually, i'm going to just say that its one of the hardest things ive done since my breakup. Even if you're at home crying every night because you want to talk, or because you miss him. If you stick to NC, it creates a mystery. from his point of view anyways. He doesn't know you're crying, he doesn't know you're hurting, he'll be left to fill in the blanks on his own. He might start thinking that you're out with someone else, or just forgetting about him. The thought that maybe you met someone, or that maybe you just don't need him, will make him look into himself and have to sort out his feelings for you on his own. It might bring him back, or it might not. But the absence of him from your life will help you heal. So it's kind of a win-win. If drinking gave me an ulcer, sneaking shots of whiskey aren't going to help. But once i stop for awhile, my stomach slowly heals, and before you know it, i'm not craving it as much anyways. And suddenly, i sort of resent the whiskey for hurting me in the first place. I dont know if thats a good metaphor. i hope it helps. I too have problems with wanting to be liked. ANY sort of conflict or friction with someone bothers me to no end. Even if its with someone who i know i shouldn't let affect me. My counselor says its because i related my self worth directly with what others think of me, which is bad news. i hope it helps. I dont know how qualified i am to be offering advice, as i too am in my own little confusing corner of post-relationship hell. but these forums have helped me so much, i try to give back when i can. good luck!!!!!
breakbeat Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 (edited) I have the same problem. I had a LDR for 10 months and its all gone now , we still are 'friends' on facebook but I just don't want to be friends , part of me says 'stay friends' but its too toxic for me , i also cant eat or sleep any more, its killing me ( it's a long story, don't want to steal this thread here ) ! But i want to thank ditched with his reply , it's just the thing i needed to 'hear' ... "If you stick to NC, it creates a mystery" ... SO very true but at the same time it's very hard if you still miss her/him like crazy ! first post , wonderful forum and people here Edited January 19, 2010 by breakbeat
GrayClouds Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I've decided my ex is too much of a head-f and that i'm never going to recover if we stay in touch. The point is, as we've been in contact, do I just go NC immediately with no excuse, or do I wean off of him slowly? Do I explain it to him? Or is no explanation necessary? I used to want a friendship with him, now i'm not so sure, but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face if in the future we change and are able to be friends etc. I'm the type of person that likes to be liked. I hate bad feeling. I hate people not liking me and I hate to cause any kind of ripple amongst people, so I have this fear to do so with him though part of me (the revengeful/angry side) would love to. Recommendations? Congratulations on having the love and courage to put yourself first. As a person who "likes to be liked", I suspect this is a new experience for you and your going to have to fight the feelings that your doing something wrong. And know, liking yourself most important. You do that by not sacrificing your feelings for others by knowing your own worth. Knowing you deserve better then what you got is a great first step. Keeping NC shows yourself the respect you deserve is the second step. Know this, this is the right thing to do. I would just go NC, but since you have been trying to have a relationship over the months and if it would be better for you, a quick email say that your doing so would be ok. Just state that a friendship is not working for you and so now you will be moving on. You will no have any more contact with him. I would appreciated if he respect your wish of NC. Use this time to focus on yourself and building self love. Again congrats, you can do this, you deserve this.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 19, 2010 Author Posted January 19, 2010 Thanks guys. The support here is always great. Hope it helped you too Dorluv!
sedgwick Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 I'd say just do it, and then if he contacts you and asks why you're not talking to him, tell him it's what you need to do to heal. You don't have to "wean him slowly" or take his feelings into consideration at all. All that matters here are YOUR feelings, and doing what you have to do to take care of yourself. And as for the staying friends on facebook thing -- DON'T DO IT, PEOPLE!!! After all, you're not "friends," you're someone they dumped, and it's not going to make you feel good to see their status updates and pics like it does with your REAL friends. All it does is prolong your pain; all it is is self-punishment. Just say no!!
WantToFixIt Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 If he broke up with you then don't even tell him you are going to cut him off. Ignore him starting today and let him pine for a while. It will help speed up the healing of your heart. You need to let yourself go through the stages of loss; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The only way to be friends in the future is to let him go. Quit bargaining and let yourself feel sadness before you accept the change. Thats when real change occurs; and then the future is wide open - even for for friendship. The sad part is once you go through the last stage you most likely won't want him in your life anymore; not in any way.
ditched Posted January 19, 2010 Posted January 19, 2010 yeah, staying Facebook or Myspace friends with an EX is bad news. I spent countless hours obsessing and analyzing every syllable of every update she posted. Getting angry and sad and upset. I defriended her and haven't gone to her profile in months. Which, admittedly does take ALOT of willpower. But i decided that there is nothing on her page that can make me feel anything but worse! defriend, defriend, defriend.
Dorluv Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 thanks so much , especially to Nikki Sahagin who started this thread, as someone mentioned here, this forum does make you feel better. I want to ask a questiuon because it helps me but wanna know if if this helps anyone else. I have been sending email to myself , about my situation , someyimes i find myself cursing out my own self just to give me a wake up call. an Example" Come on girl u deserve better, get the hell out , ur smart gurl, why u put up with this crap " lol. and i would email it to me. and it helps. Do I sound crazy or what. Nikki how are you feeling today? I stii have to decide on this NC thing you see , we havent broken up, but I can feel him pulling away. it doesnt feel right no more and doesnt feel the same. The emails are lesser and shorter and so are the calls. Nikki have u broken up with ur partner, or are u in the same boat like me thibking about it. The friends on facebook yeah I agree I deleted him . dont want to see who likes him and who he likes. I totally agree.
selena_cat Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) I have the same problem. I had a LDR for 10 months and its all gone now , we still are 'friends' on facebook but I just don't want to be friends , part of me says 'stay friends' but its too toxic for me , i also cant eat or sleep any more, its killing me ( it's a long story, don't want to steal this thread here ) ! But i want to thank ditched with his reply , it's just the thing i needed to 'hear' ... "If you stick to NC, it creates a mystery" ... SO very true but at the same time it's very hard if you still miss her/him like crazy ! first post , wonderful forum and people here Hey Break, sounds like you need to definately do NC for yoru own sanity,i'm in the sort of same situation which needed NC ages ago but i broke it,now i have no choice to be back on sagain,andi ts a beyond dead end LDR. If you need an NC buddy,you can PM me if you'd like, you too Nick. You dont annouce NC just do which seems hard for everyone thats why we're here. Good luck! Edited January 21, 2010 by selena_cat
WantToFixIt Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 . Do I sound crazy or what. Nikki how are you feeling today? I stii have to decide on this NC thing you see , we havent broken up, but I can feel him pulling away. it doesnt feel right no more and doesnt feel the same. "No contact" or "NC" is not for people who are not broken up. Maybe i should read more before responding but .. that is just dumb, immature and abusive. yes you do .
Dorluv Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 "No contact" or "NC" is not for people who are not broken up. Maybe i should read more before responding but .. that is just dumb, immature and abusive. yes you do . Thanks for wake up call, but I feel him pulling away liitle by little. I jsu feel like he wants to be over with and maybe feel bad to tell me .Thats y I said NC maybe will help both me and him. of course its hard because as ssona s he call me i answer. I feel like i am on a schedule and the email getting shorter and lesser. Im not abusive just trying to save my slef from being hurt. I spoke to him about it. and told him i was alittle worried and if he still loved me he said no need to worry but didnt answer the if he still loved me part. im sorry i confused you , but myself Im confused. thses forums help me a lot to cope. thanks
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