Aplix Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I'd like to start saying im new to asking for help online, but I guess I feel in need of this. I can't say my issue is general but I've been looking at all the jealousy threads/posts to see if I can find an answer. I met my girlfriend, by simply seeing her one day as I tripped and fell flat on my face. I asked around and we got together as she left someone 3 years older than me, for me which in itself didn't create the most greatest of starting atmospheres and did present problems at first, but we dealt with it in time. After a long peroid I broke up with her, simply because I was greiving at the time and I knew to myself I had became irrational and a pain to be around so I let her believe I wanted something sterotypical like "more time with my friends" in order for her to move on and find someone new. A year or so passed and we got back together, and during that time I had a relationship which, I can't say was right as I only did it to keep anyone away from me so I could be labelled as "Taken" because in acutal fact, I still loved this girl from the start. We got back together, and it was hard for her to accept I had another relationship but I soon found out that she had gone relatively wild. I had my fair share of drug abuse a few years back but the innocent girl I once knew had gone back on her Anti smoking and Drug like tendencies and found herself in many parties and doing all sorts of drugs. Now we are together, even after a few months im still finding it hard no matter how irrational it is to deal with the things she did, as even I who went through alot myself didn't take that path of choice. She had a one night drunken stand, kissed a number of individuals and even a few girls during that peroid of time and now im finding tagged pictures online of her dressing up pretty lewdly on purpose that even she admitted to. I'd really like some help or answers because I feel myself during these long nights getting out raged at myself, or what my sweet angel once became and I can't help but blame myself. I love her with all my heart, and I don't want to do anything wrong to her, but I feel as though my rage is starting to bubble over the surface and I need to find a way to accept and move on for her over experinced past which makes me feel so insignificant in her world. Many thanks for any answers :/ X X
dazzle22 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 The most important thing is what is she like now? Is she doing drugs or overdoing the alcohol now? Is she a faithful partner now? You have to decide whether you can handle her past or not, because that cannot be wished away. Like I said on another post, you can't say "bye gones" on past sexual partners or pictures that are "out there" already. A lot of people here will say, get over it, but that is easier said than done for someone bothered by this. You may never get over some things, so if you decide to stay with her, you need to decide whether you can live with it and still be happy in the relationship. If it is going to make you angry and depressed and obsessive, then best move on to someone with a less colorful past. My husband has a very wild past. Some of what he did really has bothered me, but I love him, so I live with it and try not to think about it. But only you can decide what you can live with.
Space Ritual Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I'd like to start saying im new to asking for help online, but I guess I feel in need of this. I can't say my issue is general but I've been looking at all the jealousy threads/posts to see if I can find an answer. I met my girlfriend, by simply seeing her one day as I tripped and fell flat on my face. I asked around and we got together as she left someone 3 years older than me, for me which in itself didn't create the most greatest of starting atmospheres and did present problems at first, but we dealt with it in time. After a long peroid I broke up with her, simply because I was greiving at the time and I knew to myself I had became irrational and a pain to be around so I let her believe I wanted something sterotypical like "more time with my friends" in order for her to move on and find someone new. A year or so passed and we got back together, and during that time I had a relationship which, I can't say was right as I only did it to keep anyone away from me so I could be labelled as "Taken" because in acutal fact, I still loved this girl from the start. We got back together, and it was hard for her to accept I had another relationship but I soon found out that she had gone relatively wild. I had my fair share of drug abuse a few years back but the innocent girl I once knew had gone back on her Anti smoking and Drug like tendencies and found herself in many parties and doing all sorts of drugs. Now we are together, even after a few months im still finding it hard no matter how irrational it is to deal with the things she did, as even I who went through alot myself didn't take that path of choice. She had a one night drunken stand, kissed a number of individuals and even a few girls during that peroid of time and now im finding tagged pictures online of her dressing up pretty lewdly on purpose that even she admitted to. I'd really like some help or answers because I feel myself during these long nights getting out raged at myself, or what my sweet angel once became and I can't help but blame myself. I love her with all my heart, and I don't want to do anything wrong to her, but I feel as though my rage is starting to bubble over the surface and I need to find a way to accept and move on for her over experinced past which makes me feel so insignificant in her world. Many thanks for any answers :/ X X You were broken up, and what she did during that time you were broken up is her business and hers alone. end of story. I suggest you seek some type of therapy for your self.
OnlyJake Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Sorry bud, you should've thought of those things before you got back together with her.
Skump Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 (edited) You were broken up, and what she did during that time you were broken up is her business and hers alone. end of story. Horsesh*t. Drug use alone often bespeaks fundamental character issues that a person can't just eliminate through a new "lifestyle" choice. If my partner had gone through a phase of colossally stupid behavior of that kind, I'd damned well better be informed about it. This pop-psych crap about the past just being the past is a real laugh riot. Owning up to dumb sh*t is a part of overcoming the very defects that led to the behavior in the first place. With that said... OP, otherwise great people can do some really stupid things. Although no one here can say whether you and this girl ought to be together, it's worth observing that charity isn't an ivory tower virtue. Opening yourself up to forgiveness for a person who has tamed her demons is rational in a world of flawed but malleable people. This isn't just a philosophical point. I believe that a lot of people have forgiveness issues because they think, on some level, that forgiving is a loser "nice guy" move. Not so. People who can't forgive are at a disadvantage in life: they miss out on what would otherwise be valuable relationships. Moreover, as you're now experiencing, it often takes a lot more strength to forgive than walk on. Although it's perfectly fine to consider a person's history in trying to determine whether they'd be a good partner, you shouldn't let the fact of someone's mistakes per se defeat your spirit of charity and motivate you to irrationally estrange her. If you believe this girl is a good person who did a bad thing she has no desire to do again, then you're not being weak by forgiving her - you're being smart. Edited January 18, 2010 by Skump
road Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You where bothered by her previous BF. You dumped her. Set her free. You replaced her, party'd, and f'd anyone you could. What did you expect her to do? Join a convent?
Nos Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Everyone goes through a party phase. It may hit them early in life or late in life. Its the feeling that you want to set the world on fire, you want to live life like you can't die. Also, it is unrealistic to think that someone will be the same year after year. I'm sure she's not the only one who's gone through changes. Just remember, she did not do anything wrong. You broke up with her. It's not like you got to decide what she did afterwards. If you want to be with her, you'll have to accept her for who she is NOW. Holding on to your thoughts of who she was before will only cause pain.
make me believe Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You're putting her on way too high of a pedastool. She isn't an "innocent girl" or a "sweet angel", she's a normal person! You really have no right to hold what she did when you were broken up against her. She isn't perfect, and you can't expect her to live up to this saintly ideal you've created in your mind.
OnlyJake Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You're putting her on way too high of a pedastool. She isn't an "innocent girl" or a "sweet angel", she's a normal person! You really have no right to hold what she did when you were broken up against her. She isn't perfect, and you can't expect her to live up to this saintly ideal you've created in your mind. The sad part is that this is an ego thing. His ego is bruised because some girl he "had" in the past didn't wait around for him to want her again; she got on with her own life.
seibert253 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 What's in the past is done, overwith. None of us can change it. All of us have done dumb stupid things, that looking back with hindsight we would have never done. The big question is how is she acting right now, today. Is she still the crazy party girl she was after you split, or has she realized her mistakes and is back to being the loving girl you first fell in love with. If she's still the party girl, then maybe it's time to move on. She's changed, and not for the better. You're setting yourself up for a major fall. If she's left all that behind her, then give it a shot, but be very careful.
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