atlnay Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Quick recap of this week, Thurs sent my MM a msg saying I was going to basically end the EA with him since it's easier to keep things casual from my end if we keep things purely physical. He didn't much like that & we didn't really have much time to go back & forth. Friday he wanted to come over at the usual time, but I couldn't get away so I told him come that night, a time we never hook up. I didn't hear from him that night, didn't really expect to, just figured he couldn't get away. He calls Saturday saying he texted me all night, where was I. I had changed phones and truly didn't get any texts. We hung up. I call him today to see if we could meet tomorrow, first thing I noticed is, he sounded funny. A bit of banter back and forth and I remembered tomorrow is a holiday his child may be home so I said that and he said you dont have to worry about that anymore, the thing you wanted to happen has happened. I asked what thing? You leaving me alone? He said "no, I'm done". I'm like done with what? He then tells me they got into it and it's over. I'm dazed. Thinking he's joking, still thinking he meant he was done with me & him, I'm a bit slow. I can't give you the exact back & forth, but he said he knows I saw him without his ring on the other night. He's done, I can believe him or not. They got into it the other night. I take a deep breath and say, that's not good and it conerns me. I didn't notice the no ring thing, I don't really look at his hands like that. He said something like am I mad or bothered (can't remember the exact word) I say no, why would I be, I don't want this. This is crazy. No no no you are not done. He's at work so I know we can't talk long, I ended it saying we don't really discuss his home life and I'll just take his word, but that really concerned me, he said he'd call me later. After gathering my thoughts a bit, I sent him an email basically saying despite the fact that we are doing this, I do care about him & his family & it bothers me to know that he's going through problems. I told him I'm hear if he needs someone to talk to and I can actually listen to him & give him advice without judgement or malice because I care about him as a person I want the best for him no matter what. Also that it may not be the best idea to have me in the picture as he deals with this, but I'm not abandoning him either, if he wants to talk & whatnot, that's fine, but I'm giving him space & time to figure out what he needs to do and to fix this. Since the start of the A, he's expressed and/or alluded to some of the following to me: he's got M because he was given an ultimatum & would lose daily life with his child, things aren't always what they seem (when I comment on the happy pics online), early on in the A when i reminded him he said he'd never divorce he countered with, saying he'd never cheat either, he told all his friends he's getting M but he's still going to be "him" & a few other things along those line, I'm starting to draw a blank. The whole thing just makes my heart stop, not as far as we are concerned, just in general.
willowfields Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 i don't have too much to offer, but i can relate. my mm is going through the same things, and honestly i never wanted to see him and his family break apart. it saddens me to watch it. i see him go through so many different emotions, from depression, to over sleeping, to pushing me away, to wanting me to talk to. his emotions are all over the place.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I need to go back and re-read your story... cause i was thinking you WANTED more from your MM than being his OW.... now I am confused...
willowfields Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 i do want more, but i never wanted to see his family break apart and watch him fall apart. i myself numerous have walked away, but never got very far. somehow we always wind up back together.i don't want to marry him, but have a loving comitted, dating relationship. i do love him enough to take my lumps i guess in hopes in the future i will only be his.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 i do want more, but i never wanted to see his family break apart and watch him fall apart. i myself numerous have walked away, but never got very far. somehow we always wind up back together.i don't want to marry him, but have a loving comitted, dating relationship. i do love him enough to take my lumps i guess in hopes in the future i will only be his. The only way for him to be only yours, is for his family to fall apart. It can't be both ways.
fooled once Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Willow, I think FA is referring to the OP and not sure of the OP's past history. Original Poster -- do you want more from him than to just be his mistress?
willowfields Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 fallen i know that, and it breaks my heart to see this happening. things are turning very bitter between them, where as my husband and i are friendly to each other and not vengeful. either way it turns there will be pain involved.
Author atlnay Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I need to go back and re-read your story... cause i was thinking you WANTED more from your MM than being his OW.... now I am confused... FA no I don't want more, can't say I ever really did, being in the A just confused me in general. The day I worked up the nerve to post on LS, after lurking for 6 months, I had reached my emotional limit with him. Probably w/in a day or two later, when I got the emotional aspect was draining me, I decided to just see him as a FWB, for whole other host of reasons. And since that point, mid December to now, we've been fine. What moved me to call him this week to end the EA part was, I've started getting involved in home projects, it's been cold & icy out and I really didn't want to do the extra stuff I do with him, the stuff that should be "boyfriend" stuff. So to sum up a bit, I maxed out emotionally starting in December, decided to control my emotions towards the end of the month and now I was trying to drop everything and keep it strictly PA.
Author atlnay Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Original Poster -- do you want more from him than to just be his mistress? Just his mistress.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 FA no I don't want more, can't say I ever really did, being in the A just confused me in general. The day I worked up the nerve to post on LS, after lurking for 6 months, I had reached my emotional limit with him. Probably w/in a day or two later, when I got the emotional aspect was draining me, I decided to just see him as a FWB, for whole other host of reasons. And since that point, mid December to now, we've been fine. What moved me to call him this week to end the EA part was, I've started getting involved in home projects, it's been cold & icy out and I really didn't want to do the extra stuff I do with him, the stuff that should be "boyfriend" stuff. So to sum up a bit, I maxed out emotionally starting in December, decided to control my emotions towards the end of the month and now I was trying to drop everything and keep it strictly PA. I had this lovely, exremely well written and thought provoking response all typed out, and lost my internet connection, so it is gone forEVER.. stupid wifi!!!! Okay, let me give ya the quick run down... if all you want is to be a mistress, you need to run like hell and never look back. The possibility of your relationship being strictly physical was gone the first time you did things that a girlfriend would do... like the fact that you are willing to be a sounding board for him right now... PUT THE BRAKES ON LONE RANGER, Cause you have TONTO following your behind, needing you to take care of him. And you ARE!! You are meeting an emotional need for him, and once you move from a physical relationship to an emotional one, it is almost impossible to ever go backwards. BOTH people have to want to go backwards... and it doesn't sound like he really wants to move that direction. I think, you may need to find a new MM, or better yet, a single guy who you actually WANT more with.. that would be a nice change.
crazycatlady Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Sounds like they were emotional at first before She wanted to go back to being FWB. Wow what a situation. Most OW I would think would be jumping for joy if their MM were suddenly free. BUT...Atlnay, are you wondering if this is going to be forreal, he's really free and you are afraid to start believing him and being emotionally open to him since it lead you to a world of hurt before because what if he goes back.... You know. I think I would take a breather from him. Tell him to take some time to get his head together. Don't be his sounding board because I'm so affraid it will drag you in emotionally and you will be crushed if he goes back to the wife or the wife takes him back. CCL
willowfields Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 free does not mean free of emotional baggage. it's a long process.
Author atlnay Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Ok. Before I read & reply let me get this out. Something about the suddenness of this news didn't sit well with me considering they made a major purchase recently. After got home, I shot him another email telling him I really thinks he needs to fix his M for a whole host of reasons and that I'm not 'abandoning' him, but if he needs space so be it. Then I took a shower and replayed a few more things when I felt what if this is a hook to pull me back in emotionally, especially when I let that part go. I called one of my best male friends to give him the story, he was quiet and didn't have input. Then he started to laugh & I said what? and he laughed some more and then I remembered what I thought in the shower and asked him if I could run it past him. When I was done, he laughed some more. He told me it really could be a ruse. Because it makes no sense to have been in a R for years, have a young child together, just get M 5 months ago, make a major purchase and less than 2 mos later, walk away. Being together all those years and to walk away and now have alimony & child support makes no sense. AT ALL. So here is the hook: since I'm pulling away, making myself available for S guys, he needs me to feel he may soon be an option. So while I never asked him to leave his W nor did he ever mention getting D as a possibility, in 3 days he's now DONE and the ring is off! lolol I gotta just shake my head and lol OUT LOUD for real
Author atlnay Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I had this lovely, exremely well written and thought provoking response all typed out, and lost my internet connection, so it is gone forEVER.. stupid wifi!!!! Okay, let me give ya the quick run down... if all you want is to be a mistress, you need to run like hell and never look back. The possibility of your relationship being strictly physical was gone the first time you did things that a girlfriend would do... like the fact that you are willing to be a sounding board for him right now... PUT THE BRAKES ON LONE RANGER, Cause you have TONTO following your behind, needing you to take care of him. And you ARE!! You are meeting an emotional need for him, and once you move from a physical relationship to an emotional one, it is almost impossible to ever go backwards. BOTH people have to want to go backwards... and it doesn't sound like he really wants to move that direction. I think, you may need to find a new MM, or better yet, a single guy who you actually WANT more with.. that would be a nice change. LOL FA, yea I caught that I was now "there" for him again, but let me say this, our R aside, I would've jumped the gun and called ANY of my friends had I heard a major life change like that, you know? So as a purely friendship move, I called with concern. After talking to him a bit, I mentally made myself "available" for him tonight, but knew when I woke up tomorrow, I'd be back in my FWB frame of mind. No, he doesn't want us to go backwards emotionally. When I told him he wasn't really losing anything if we kept it physical, he countered by naming all these traits I have that he likes and saying he's not a complete jerk, he actually likes me. Sweet as it sounded, I wasn't swayed by hearing it. And yes, I am open, to meeting a SG to really be with and what was the main catalyst in me shutting down the EA with him was realizing even thought I was putting myself out there to meet people, literally going out and talking to other guys, my heart was tied to him. Now that the string has been severely severed by my hands, I have been engaging in more meaningful attempts to connect with others. A nice change indeed
Author atlnay Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Sounds like they were emotional at first before She wanted to go back to being FWB. Wow what a situation. Most OW I would think would be jumping for joy if their MM were suddenly free. Believe it or not, reading the Infidelity, Married and this forum for the last few months makes me know this "I'm DONE" spat could very well turn out to be nothing big in a few days. They'll make up, come to their senses. Read it here all the time. BUT...Atlnay, are you wondering if this is going to be forreal, he's really free and you are afraid to start believing him and being emotionally open to him since it lead you to a world of hurt before because what if he goes back.... Wondering if it's for real because I truly don't want it to be. Not gonna open myself up emotionally to him as for as a R goes anymore. You know. I think I would take a breather from him. Tell him to take some time to get his head together. Don't be his sounding board because I'm so affraid it will drag you in emotionally and you will be crushed if he goes back to the wife or the wife takes him back. CCL Yeah, I'm not keen to be a sounding board either, would rather not know the details, makes no difference. It will drag me back to him emotionally to an extent, meaning I was already cutting back on calling him & don't want to pick that back up again. But I won't be crushed if he goes back to her, if he even left (doubtful), and am actually encouraging him to fix the situation.
Author atlnay Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 free does not mean free of emotional baggage. it's a long process. Interesting sentence, can you elaborate?
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 (edited) Ok. Before I read & reply let me get this out. Something about the suddenness of this news didn't sit well with me considering they made a major purchase recently. After got home, I shot him another email telling him I really thinks he needs to fix his M for a whole host of reasons and that I'm not 'abandoning' him, but if he needs space so be it. Then I took a shower and replayed a few more things when I felt what if this is a hook to pull me back in emotionally, especially when I let that part go. I called one of my best male friends to give him the story, he was quiet and didn't have input. Then he started to laugh & I said what? and he laughed some more and then I remembered what I thought in the shower and asked him if I could run it past him. When I was done, he laughed some more. He told me it really could be a ruse. Because it makes no sense to have been in a R for years, have a young child together, just get M 5 months ago, make a major purchase and less than 2 mos later, walk away. Being together all those years and to walk away and now have alimony & child support makes no sense. AT ALL. So here is the hook: since I'm pulling away, making myself available for S guys, he needs me to feel he may soon be an option. So while I never asked him to leave his W nor did he ever mention getting D as a possibility, in 3 days he's now DONE and the ring is off! lolol I gotta just shake my head and lol OUT LOUD for real I will say that alimony is probably not an issue in this case, as they have been married so short a time. Child support would have been even if they had never married. and MANY long term relationships fail shortly after they move from relationships to marriages. Often times because now both parties feel "trapped" when before they knew the option to 'walk away with no legal ties that bind' was there if they chose it. Now that they are married they feel obligated, and they are obligated, LEGALLY... breaking up now involves a lot more than a simple, "I don't want this relationship anymore." The pressure is even higher since I am guessing their "major purchase" was a house or other real property, money is one of the things married couples argue about more than any other problem, and major purchases are times of high stress in even the most solid of marriages. My point is, it COULD be true.... do i think it is? HELL NO! I think it is his attempt to do just what you said, a promise of a promise of a promise.... there is better out there for you... now that you see that, it will come knocking on your door faster than you would have ever guessed... Edited January 18, 2010 by Fallen Angel damned typos get me every time!!!
willowfields Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 my mm wife just recently, it has been about 3 weeks now, maybe 4 weeks, moved out of state. he's here and she's else where with his 2 kids. they are seperated. i know for now this to be true, since she has taken him off things they where on together as man and wife. he is free, but carrying all this emotional baggage from not living with his wife and kids. pics of his kids are on his screen saver on his pc, his refrigarator, and i see tears in eyes and feel his pain. sometimes he just sleeps, cuts me off due to depression, wont talk to me. the baggage is crazy, and i have to be patient with him and loving. his swings are off the charts.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 willow it's good that you see your MM cannot and IS NOT capable right now of a relationship. He is so messed up, feeling guilty, feeling torn.. He has absolutely nothing to give, so just give him alot of time and space.
willowfields Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 i wish i could do more for him, but i can't. his pastor who he went to talk to recommended counceling which the church will help pay for. he's in such a funk he can't pull himself out of it. there's the seperation along with being unemployed, and possibly losing his home. he pushes me away because he does not want to drag me down, or have me as his crutch. then days like today i'm his shining star. we talked all day. i seen him friday, we had dinner out, i payed. ya know i don't mind. i didn't want him to be alone because of his state of mind, i finally convinced him to let me come over and stay with him, and we had a good time together. it's difficult because of the emotional pain he's going through, and he wont let me help him. all i can do is offer my love and patience. i will never give up on him. seeing depression up close is difficult to watch.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think you're the reason that his marriage/family is wrecked. Do you know his wife? You need to tell her what's going on, and then, you need to stay away, completely gone from his life. It's only the right thing to do after all the damages you have done. The OW isn't the one who "wrecked" his marriage, HE IS. I seriously doubt that she put a gun to his head and said "f*ck me now or die" .. seriously, get a clue, he f*cked her because he WANTED TO. He is the one to blame for the sorry state of his marriage. UGH..
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Is that what you tell yourself again and again to convince yourself that you, as an OW play no part in wrecking someone's home, just so that you can sleep at night or look yourself in the mirror? I sleep quite well, and very well loved. i look at myself in the mirror with a smile, knowing that i am loved. You can not make me feel bad tonight, but good try... lmao... perhaps you should FOCUS your anger where it belongs, on the person who broke your heart, and take your finger pointing somewhere else. I own my part in the affair I am a part of. my part is that of a woman he persued relentlessly for YEARS, first as a friend, he sought MY friendship, he made contact with me.. then as a lover, where he spent over a year wooing me romanticaly before he ever so much as held my hand, and after his wife found out, rather than let me go and fix his "wrecked" marriage, he still sought me out... in fact, he stepped up his persuit of me.. again, point your anger where it belongs, at whoever betrayed you... do not try to tear me down, because you are down and want someone there with you.. it will not work on me.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You assume that I have been cheated on or betrayed. Do you see how you twist things around to make yourself feel better as a mistress? I don't twist anything hun... it shows in your tone.. and i don't need to 'make myself feel better' i feel just fine.
willowfields Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 sometimes it's from an affair where you find your one true love.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You called yourself a "thief" and if you're still "feel just fine" about that, it says a lot about you as a human being. I know exactly where I stand on how I feel about what i am doing. I do feel just fine... thing is, I have blamed myself for his issues for too long... HE sought me.. I refuse to take the blame for his marriage not being all that it can be.. I will own what I do, but I will be damned if I will own his part of it... he screwed his marriage up all on his own, before I was ever in the picture.. i know who and what I am. I am a warm, loving, giving, caring, comapssionate, tender soul, who has a lot to offer the world. I refuse to hang my head because YOU or someone like you doesn't agree with the way i live my life. I can look myself in the mirror with no regrets today. I love someone, and he loves me, and I could not give two tiny little sh*ts less if you or anyone else likes it or approves of it. I do not need, nor desire your approval... *shrug* Good Night *smile*
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